My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 144 "Tommy's Turkey Trot."All of my poems of release.
15 total reviews
Comment from Earl of Oxford
You use a lot of reverse syntax to meet the rhymes, and as it's for kids, I'm not sure that's a good idea, as simple, correct grammar is best. The meter is very jumpy - have you had that meeting with your friend yet?
Tommy the Turkey came to stay,
not too long before Christmas day.
Entering our barn he settled in,
secure in the fact that he was thin. - FUN OPENING
Happy was he to know his fate,
not enough meat to fill a plate.
Marching around with wattle flowing,
If he was a cock, he'd be crowing. GOOD STANZA WITH 'COCK CROWING' IMAGERY
Pecking away at all that grain,
never thinking the weight he'd gain. A BIT AWKWARD
Strutting about, swinging his snood,
Thinking he won't be anyone's food. 'WOULDN'T BE' REDUNDANT LINE AS YOU'VE ALREADY REFERRED TO HIM KNOWING HE WOULDN'T FILL A PLATE
'Til one day nearing Christmas morn,
The farmer said, "my table he'll adorn". REVERSE SYNTAX
Up behind him he did creep, REVERSE SYNTAX
Hoping the turkey was fast asleep.
With one eye opened to Tommy's dread, AWKWARD WORDING, AND NOT SURE KIDS WOULD UNDERSTAND 'DREAD' IN THIS CONTEXT
he knew right then why he'd been fed.
Tommy took off like an arrow propelled,
ducking the cleaver before being felled. 'FELLED' AGAIN MAYBE HARD FOR KIDS - HOW WAS HE 'FELLED' - BY THE CLEAVER?
Sad to say Tommy's turkey trot,
didn't help, for he was soon caught. HE'D ALREADY BEEN FELLED
Wishing now he'd eaten less seed,
for now he'll be a tasty feed. - THIS STANZA IS REDUNDANT AS HE'S ALREADY BEEN 'FELLED', AND I ASSUME SLAUGHTERED, SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK MORE ABOUT IT
A very funny write, Jaq, though I'm never sure how much 'killing', even of animals, to include in kids' poetry. Some imaginative lines with imagery, but I really think you need to sort meter out and maybe look for other rhymes rather than use reverse syntax.
You certainly have a fun imagination which appeals to kids.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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You use a lot of reverse syntax to meet the rhymes, and as it's for kids, I'm not sure that's a good idea, as simple, correct grammar is best. The meter is very jumpy - have you had that meeting with your friend yet?
Tommy the Turkey came to stay,
not too long before Christmas day.
Entering our barn he settled in,
secure in the fact that he was thin. - FUN OPENING
Happy was he to know his fate,
not enough meat to fill a plate.
Marching around with wattle flowing,
If he was a cock, he'd be crowing. GOOD STANZA WITH 'COCK CROWING' IMAGERY
Pecking away at all that grain,
never thinking the weight he'd gain. A BIT AWKWARD
Strutting about, swinging his snood,
Thinking he won't be anyone's food. 'WOULDN'T BE' REDUNDANT LINE AS YOU'VE ALREADY REFERRED TO HIM KNOWING HE WOULDN'T FILL A PLATE
'Til one day nearing Christmas morn,
The farmer said, "my table he'll adorn". REVERSE SYNTAX
Up behind him he did creep, REVERSE SYNTAX
Hoping the turkey was fast asleep.
With one eye opened to Tommy's dread, AWKWARD WORDING, AND NOT SURE KIDS WOULD UNDERSTAND 'DREAD' IN THIS CONTEXT
he knew right then why he'd been fed.
Tommy took off like an arrow propelled,
ducking the cleaver before being felled. 'FELLED' AGAIN MAYBE HARD FOR KIDS - HOW WAS HE 'FELLED' - BY THE CLEAVER?
Sad to say Tommy's turkey trot,
didn't help, for he was soon caught. HE'D ALREADY BEEN FELLED
Wishing now he'd eaten less seed,
for now he'll be a tasty feed. - THIS STANZA IS REDUNDANT AS HE'S ALREADY BEEN 'FELLED', AND I ASSUME SLAUGHTERED, SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK MORE ABOUT IT
A very funny write, Jaq, though I'm never sure how much 'killing', even of animals, to include in kids' poetry. Some imaginative lines with imagery, but I really think you need to sort meter out and maybe look for other rhymes rather than use reverse syntax.
You certainly have a fun imagination which appeals to kids.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for your very detailed review my friend, that helps a lot. :) Jaq xx
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Thanks for your gracious reply, Jaq.
I didn't want to be too picky, but you said you wanted detail. I sure don't wish to deter you, as I reckon you have DEFINATE talent, and I think kids stuff may be your forte as you're a fun and visual writer. I love writing for them too.
Ray xx
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Ray I needed these things pointed out, that's why I asked you my friend. Thank you so very much. I won't learn unless people like yourself help me. :) Jaq xx
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I knew you had broad shoulders and wish to improve, Jaq - that's why I was so honest. Mind you, don't take everything I say as expertise, as I'm sure I'm often wrong.
xx
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:) no one is perfect my friend, now that would be boring xx
Comment from Spike the second
I never got a message to say this was released Jaq
But this is brilliant. I cannot beieve it didn't win. But then again I have entered funny poems I thought would do well and have ended up with 2 or 3 votes and the winner getting 6. I just wonder if it is a little scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. I think the only chance we stand sometimes is if FS themselves have the only vote.
I really like this and I am so sorry I did not see it before I di read all my messages and just did not get informed of it's realease.
Blessings
Spike
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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I never got a message to say this was released Jaq
But this is brilliant. I cannot beieve it didn't win. But then again I have entered funny poems I thought would do well and have ended up with 2 or 3 votes and the winner getting 6. I just wonder if it is a little scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. I think the only chance we stand sometimes is if FS themselves have the only vote.
I really like this and I am so sorry I did not see it before I di read all my messages and just did not get informed of it's realease.
Blessings
Spike
Comment Written 10-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Thanks Spike, my first real attempt at a children's one. :)
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It was really good Jaq
Blessings
Spike
Comment from mommerry
You had a moral in your poem,whether you meant to have it there or not. Beward the giver of free food - his motive could be less than good.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2012
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You had a moral in your poem,whether you meant to have it there or not. Beward the giver of free food - his motive could be less than good.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2012
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Thanks so much for your kind review mommerry.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Simple rhyme scheme - very readable. You build up the story well. Love the word pictures. Poor Tommy! Lovely poem. You seem to have experience writing for children.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Simple rhyme scheme - very readable. You build up the story well. Love the word pictures. Poor Tommy! Lovely poem. You seem to have experience writing for children.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Nope first time but I thank you so much for your very kind review.
Comment from doris1022
That is very cute and witty. well written and flows like fine wine. you are creative and entertaining. my simple mind loves this kind of work. the judging is hard. I am tied bewtween two.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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That is very cute and witty. well written and flows like fine wine. you are creative and entertaining. my simple mind loves this kind of work. the judging is hard. I am tied bewtween two.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
solid rhyming couplets
good flow to your lines, enhanced by good use of enjambment
good assonance of long A sounds in weight he'd gain
good alliteration in strutting/swinging/snood
love the simile of the turkey taking off like an arrow
what a lesson Tommy learned a bit too late LOL
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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solid rhyming couplets
good flow to your lines, enhanced by good use of enjambment
good assonance of long A sounds in weight he'd gain
good alliteration in strutting/swinging/snood
love the simile of the turkey taking off like an arrow
what a lesson Tommy learned a bit too late LOL
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for your very kind review Brooke.
Comment from elliejean
I love the poem. Boy, Tommy wouldn't have eaten so much if he had known his fate. This story goes back to the time when families killed their own meat. Sadly, most children have never seen a turkey alive. Great work.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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I love the poem. Boy, Tommy wouldn't have eaten so much if he had known his fate. This story goes back to the time when families killed their own meat. Sadly, most children have never seen a turkey alive. Great work.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much Elliejean for your kind review.
Comment from megg_2020
Nice poem and a good story behind it. It wasn't very hard to see a skinny turkey strutting about, I smiled through the middle stanzas, very clever.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Nice poem and a good story behind it. It wasn't very hard to see a skinny turkey strutting about, I smiled through the middle stanzas, very clever.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Thank you very much Megg.
Comment from koolaid228
Such a bitter sweet tale,sad for Tommys fate, but he did give someone hungry a decent plate. I enjoyed thislittle holiday story, thank you for sharing. koolaid
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Such a bitter sweet tale,sad for Tommys fate, but he did give someone hungry a decent plate. I enjoyed thislittle holiday story, thank you for sharing. koolaid
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Thanks for your great review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a nice story that will surely delight children, captured in a few verses of well written poetry.
Poor stupid turkey. cheers
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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This is a nice story that will surely delight children, captured in a few verses of well written poetry.
Poor stupid turkey. cheers
Comment Written 08-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Many thanks for your kind review.
