My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 194 "Skating along."All of my poems of release.
4 total reviews
Comment from RJ
This is a nice poem that follows Haiku style. The descriptive words give a good visual for skating on the ice. Good luck in the contest. RJ
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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This is a nice poem that follows Haiku style. The descriptive words give a good visual for skating on the ice. Good luck in the contest. RJ
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much RJ.
Comment from AlvinTEthington
Although I write much less abstract haiku now, this still is in good haiku form. (I would probably change the last line.) The first two lines show good concrete imagery. The third line is too emotional, but it can be viewed as observatory, so I think it can stand as is. Although you followed the contest directives, the poem is far too long. (English syllabic count is based on a misunderstanding of the Japanese language.) I am teaching a course in haiku writing called "Shorter Poetic Forms" next month, if you are interested. A book is also coming out about October 15 called "Pieces of Her Mind" which will explain a lot about the Japanese short forms. Good work.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Although I write much less abstract haiku now, this still is in good haiku form. (I would probably change the last line.) The first two lines show good concrete imagery. The third line is too emotional, but it can be viewed as observatory, so I think it can stand as is. Although you followed the contest directives, the poem is far too long. (English syllabic count is based on a misunderstanding of the Japanese language.) I am teaching a course in haiku writing called "Shorter Poetic Forms" next month, if you are interested. A book is also coming out about October 15 called "Pieces of Her Mind" which will explain a lot about the Japanese short forms. Good work.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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I will definitely look into your course. Thanks for your critique, every little helps me improve.
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I hope to see you there. Starts the week of Oct 7. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written you have described something you love very well and it is enhanced by your chosen art work well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Yes this is well written you have described something you love very well and it is enhanced by your chosen art work well done regards Jill
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thank you, as always my friend.
Comment from rama devi
Tis is sweet, but not a formal haiku - the contest criteria states it must be UNRHYMED. Also, usually in haiku there are two lines joined grammatically and one distinct. This poem has three disjointed lines. Another aspect of haiku 9though not mentioned in contest criteria) is it does not use caps.
Anyway, you can easily join the first two liens by avoiding the gerund (which are frowned upon in haiku) and using a linking word:
Example:
Sun glints on iced floor
as people glide to and fro
WHile the rhyme is nice, it breaks contest rules, so I suggest changing that line.
Good luck! Nice mood and tone and fine display as well with chosen artwork.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Tis is sweet, but not a formal haiku - the contest criteria states it must be UNRHYMED. Also, usually in haiku there are two lines joined grammatically and one distinct. This poem has three disjointed lines. Another aspect of haiku 9though not mentioned in contest criteria) is it does not use caps.
Anyway, you can easily join the first two liens by avoiding the gerund (which are frowned upon in haiku) and using a linking word:
Example:
Sun glints on iced floor
as people glide to and fro
WHile the rhyme is nice, it breaks contest rules, so I suggest changing that line.
Good luck! Nice mood and tone and fine display as well with chosen artwork.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much Rami. Much appreciated critique.
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Most welcome...happy to re-review after changes if you make them. Best wishes, rd
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I take on board any viable criticism Rami I have a lot to learn.
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I would appreciate you taking a look at any of my work Rami, thank you so much.
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Sure--happy to. just let me know who you are when contest is over...
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Contest is finished now. It's Jaq Cee, Rami :) Jaq x
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Thanks for following up, Jaq Cee! Nice to meet you!
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Same to you rama :)
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Rama I know there is a lot of work to do for me. Any way that you can point me in the right direction will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance :) Jaq x
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HI Jaq, Sure...happy to. I
ll not be very active this week, as I am traveling. I will fan you though, and review on occasion. I also work as a freelance editor and writing coach if you're interested in one-on-one ongoing help, let me know:
ramadevinina@yahoo.com
Warmly, rd
