Mike Radshaw and the Black Dawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Dark Knights - BD2"The grim reaper casts his pall over London
36 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Mike. Well, I am not one for "supernatural fiction" however, you did pique my interest for this chapter. Your style is very good. the narrative voice well done throughout. Good luck with it. Bob
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Hi, Mike. Well, I am not one for "supernatural fiction" however, you did pique my interest for this chapter. Your style is very good. the narrative voice well done throughout. Good luck with it. Bob
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thanks, Bob - I really appreciate that. I wasn't sure what to call this, as it's fantasy, thriller, comedy, horror! Supernatural seemed the closest though. I'm glad you enjoyed the read :-).
Mike
Comment from James Sarzotti
Well, I did enjoy this. Immensely so, in fact. But I almost wish I hadn't read it as a reviewer. While you're facility with language is terrific, and I mean the best I've read on this site, it seems to me a bit unbalanced--which, for all I know, may be exactly what you're going for. However, the 'freshness' of your metaphors, the admixture of pathos and hilarity, absurdity having to live next to some semblance of reality, pushes my envelope of credulity and takes me out of the story. A signature example of this is your true affection for Amy and your simultaneous desecration of her bodily form. There's true lunacy here, and I'll have to read more chapters to see if that's completely in your best interest.
Notes:
a divine creature with a striking resemblance to Ben Affleck << This is where it started for me. Maybe it's because I have to work with American actors of his ilk, I found this both funny, but also jarring to the scene you're setting. And at this point I'm thinking, Oh, this is going to be cynically funny.
"Radshaw's Investigations - we pee ourselves so you don't have to." << Rare wit!
my gut was playing death metal riffs on my heart strings. << Fresh metaphor indeed! But I'm starting to take a side-trip with Radshaw's riffing.
I felt about as welcome as diarrhoea on the space shuttle. << diarrhea And Radshaw's routine continues.
Wes Craven's best work look like Disney. << Funny, but too topical? (Meaning, I'm being taken out of your world and thrust back into mine, as Wes used to work with my ex-wife.)
Wilberford had a jaw like a monster truck bumper and an expression like Ray Winstone with his bollocks crushed in a vice. << This is fantastic! Perhaps, too much so? Is that possible? But possibly too topical again. (That's what I meant when I said I wish I wasn't reviewing this!)
The Knights I knew were loopier than a slinky on a rollercoaster << Great image.
I scrunched the bar mat in a fist as a sickening hunch did the same to my gut. << We love this melodramatic response because the richness of the language won't let us do anything else. And it's one efficient construction.
If we defy him, he will render this plane a barren darkness ruled over by the eldritch bones of humanity. << 'eldritch' Absolutely the best use of diction I've come across on this site.
In a heartbeat, my lungs turned to ice. A wave of fear crashed against the beaches of my consciousness and I was glad the bar remained solid, or I might have drowned. << Again, we love this (perhaps overly) melodramatic response because the richness of the language won't let us do anything else. I'm sensitive to it because it's what I do. But maybe not so well. Anyway, it bears thinking about.
Time moved like we were all trapped in treacle as my knuckles burst those bastard lips against Wilberford's teeth. Then I felt my bones crunch as they came up against teeth. My skin and his grin gave way simultaneously. I felt his lower jaw crumple and my blood mingle with his in a macabre cocktail and had time to wonder if I'd catch an infection. << Funny, I thought the same thing, about infection that is. Tremendous description.
As I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, I clamped my phone to my ear. << OK. Here it is. This tone is perfectly pitched, at least for me. Action and description living in harmony.
In a daze, I made sure she was balanced to her side and scrambled to my feet, trying to remember where the first aid kit was. I zigzagged round the room like a rubber bullet, bouncing between furniture and walls, my hands scrabbling at drawers and shelves for what I needed. Several breaths later, I stood over Amy's ragged form, an inch-long waterproof plaster gripped between thumb and forefinger, and sobbed listlessly. My brain [arced] from thought to thought so fast I felt like one of those lightning balls with jumping electricity in them. << This is just incredible. Did you mean 'raced'?
So even if superglue was the stupidest idea since someone decided The Matrix needed two sequels, it couldn't make things any worse. I squeezed some glue roughly along the broken edge of skin and pressed the gaping hole closed. << Seriously twisted and funny.
I squeezed some glue roughly along the broken edge of skin and pressed the gaping hole closed.... Then I glued her shut. She made noises as I worked and I sniffed back tears, hoping with all my soul I wasn't torturing my only true friend unnecessarily. Within a few minutes, she looked, if not better, at least more human.... As I pulled away, the side of Amy's face came with me. My hand, glued to the skin of her neck, peeled away her cheek, exposing gums and teeth. << This stitch-up scene is truly hilarious. And of course it strains all credulity. I'm transported out of your story and into a Mel Brooks-meets-Monty Python movie.
she looked like an open doner kebab with way too much chilli sauce << And bingo! This is truly unsupportable, even in my most non kosher indulgence. It's a bacon-wrapped matzo and again I'm left out in Space Balls. And if that is what you're going for, you gotta go for it in such a way it doesn't implode the situation.
While I sort of feel like 'who am I to say,' I still hope you can use at least some of this criticism. Again, it's extremely rich writing and I really enjoyed it. And Sasha's picture seems very appropriate. Best, JS
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Well, I did enjoy this. Immensely so, in fact. But I almost wish I hadn't read it as a reviewer. While you're facility with language is terrific, and I mean the best I've read on this site, it seems to me a bit unbalanced--which, for all I know, may be exactly what you're going for. However, the 'freshness' of your metaphors, the admixture of pathos and hilarity, absurdity having to live next to some semblance of reality, pushes my envelope of credulity and takes me out of the story. A signature example of this is your true affection for Amy and your simultaneous desecration of her bodily form. There's true lunacy here, and I'll have to read more chapters to see if that's completely in your best interest.
Notes:
a divine creature with a striking resemblance to Ben Affleck << This is where it started for me. Maybe it's because I have to work with American actors of his ilk, I found this both funny, but also jarring to the scene you're setting. And at this point I'm thinking, Oh, this is going to be cynically funny.
"Radshaw's Investigations - we pee ourselves so you don't have to." << Rare wit!
my gut was playing death metal riffs on my heart strings. << Fresh metaphor indeed! But I'm starting to take a side-trip with Radshaw's riffing.
I felt about as welcome as diarrhoea on the space shuttle. << diarrhea And Radshaw's routine continues.
Wes Craven's best work look like Disney. << Funny, but too topical? (Meaning, I'm being taken out of your world and thrust back into mine, as Wes used to work with my ex-wife.)
Wilberford had a jaw like a monster truck bumper and an expression like Ray Winstone with his bollocks crushed in a vice. << This is fantastic! Perhaps, too much so? Is that possible? But possibly too topical again. (That's what I meant when I said I wish I wasn't reviewing this!)
The Knights I knew were loopier than a slinky on a rollercoaster << Great image.
I scrunched the bar mat in a fist as a sickening hunch did the same to my gut. << We love this melodramatic response because the richness of the language won't let us do anything else. And it's one efficient construction.
If we defy him, he will render this plane a barren darkness ruled over by the eldritch bones of humanity. << 'eldritch' Absolutely the best use of diction I've come across on this site.
In a heartbeat, my lungs turned to ice. A wave of fear crashed against the beaches of my consciousness and I was glad the bar remained solid, or I might have drowned. << Again, we love this (perhaps overly) melodramatic response because the richness of the language won't let us do anything else. I'm sensitive to it because it's what I do. But maybe not so well. Anyway, it bears thinking about.
Time moved like we were all trapped in treacle as my knuckles burst those bastard lips against Wilberford's teeth. Then I felt my bones crunch as they came up against teeth. My skin and his grin gave way simultaneously. I felt his lower jaw crumple and my blood mingle with his in a macabre cocktail and had time to wonder if I'd catch an infection. << Funny, I thought the same thing, about infection that is. Tremendous description.
As I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, I clamped my phone to my ear. << OK. Here it is. This tone is perfectly pitched, at least for me. Action and description living in harmony.
In a daze, I made sure she was balanced to her side and scrambled to my feet, trying to remember where the first aid kit was. I zigzagged round the room like a rubber bullet, bouncing between furniture and walls, my hands scrabbling at drawers and shelves for what I needed. Several breaths later, I stood over Amy's ragged form, an inch-long waterproof plaster gripped between thumb and forefinger, and sobbed listlessly. My brain [arced] from thought to thought so fast I felt like one of those lightning balls with jumping electricity in them. << This is just incredible. Did you mean 'raced'?
So even if superglue was the stupidest idea since someone decided The Matrix needed two sequels, it couldn't make things any worse. I squeezed some glue roughly along the broken edge of skin and pressed the gaping hole closed. << Seriously twisted and funny.
I squeezed some glue roughly along the broken edge of skin and pressed the gaping hole closed.... Then I glued her shut. She made noises as I worked and I sniffed back tears, hoping with all my soul I wasn't torturing my only true friend unnecessarily. Within a few minutes, she looked, if not better, at least more human.... As I pulled away, the side of Amy's face came with me. My hand, glued to the skin of her neck, peeled away her cheek, exposing gums and teeth. << This stitch-up scene is truly hilarious. And of course it strains all credulity. I'm transported out of your story and into a Mel Brooks-meets-Monty Python movie.
she looked like an open doner kebab with way too much chilli sauce << And bingo! This is truly unsupportable, even in my most non kosher indulgence. It's a bacon-wrapped matzo and again I'm left out in Space Balls. And if that is what you're going for, you gotta go for it in such a way it doesn't implode the situation.
While I sort of feel like 'who am I to say,' I still hope you can use at least some of this criticism. Again, it's extremely rich writing and I really enjoyed it. And Sasha's picture seems very appropriate. Best, JS
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thank you, James. You've paid me so awesome.compliments here and provided exactly the kind of criticism I need. I know I can get the words right, so theme, taste, and style choices are where I most seek guidance.
Certainly, I use the Mike Radshaw character to push two boundaries in particular; the balance of comedy and darkness, and the presence of the lead character in the narrative.
I do believe that, in comedy, the humour rules all, and I am happy to break rules to raise a laugh. However, in this case I am aiming to have my cake and eat it - I want both fun and emotional investment. As such, your comments are very helpful because they suggest I back off a little from the familiarity of the descriptions.
I shall certainly have a think on it, and I'm hugely grateful for your time and thoughts.
Mike
Comment from Jen Gentry
Your grammar and dialogue are awesome making this write very smooth and enjoyable to read of course I am a little biased as this is the kind of stuff I LOVE to read keep it coming and I will be reading you.
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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Your grammar and dialogue are awesome making this write very smooth and enjoyable to read of course I am a little biased as this is the kind of stuff I LOVE to read keep it coming and I will be reading you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thank you, Christa :-). I'm so glad you enjoyed this piece (it's too long for most on here, I fear). I thinl there is one, possibly two, chapters to go.
Mike
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
I was hooked by your use of prose from the outset.
Mike has a wonderfully strong voice, the character leaps from the page and kicks you in the teeth.
I fear sometimes he talks a little too much, but I enjoyed everything he said in any case.
I have two small technical suggestions, which you can tell me to 'shove' if you prefer, [joking!]; [her expression nervy but resolute. "Watch it, boss. I don't trust them." ], think 'nervously resolute' would flow better here?
[I am Sir Wilberford. I'm the new Deacon around here, and I asked you a question."]..leave out, 'around here' to add more authority.
And there you have it, would pick out the best bits..but just cut and paste the whole lot and you get my drift!! But if pressed..
the Knights were about as rational as psychos in hockey masks at summer camp. And they ran a machete shop.
Time moved like we were all trapped in treacle as my knuckles burst...
My skin and his grin gave way simultaneously.
There was a sound like a scream dunked in yoghurt
Love your style.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
 |
I was hooked by your use of prose from the outset.
Mike has a wonderfully strong voice, the character leaps from the page and kicks you in the teeth.
I fear sometimes he talks a little too much, but I enjoyed everything he said in any case.
I have two small technical suggestions, which you can tell me to 'shove' if you prefer, [joking!]; [her expression nervy but resolute. "Watch it, boss. I don't trust them." ], think 'nervously resolute' would flow better here?
[I am Sir Wilberford. I'm the new Deacon around here, and I asked you a question."]..leave out, 'around here' to add more authority.
And there you have it, would pick out the best bits..but just cut and paste the whole lot and you get my drift!! But if pressed..
the Knights were about as rational as psychos in hockey masks at summer camp. And they ran a machete shop.
Time moved like we were all trapped in treacle as my knuckles burst...
My skin and his grin gave way simultaneously.
There was a sound like a scream dunked in yoghurt
Love your style.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much, Karen :-). I love writing with this character, and I know I get a bit carried away at times with his dialogue and monologue, but it's so much fun! I never mind suggestions, and yours both maie good sense. I have a few others to make so I'll be doing some tweaking this lunch time.
Mike
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I knew I hadn't missed hardly any of your posts and I was right.
You have really set the plot with this post. You have done a good job and left a good hook.
She was shaking - subtly, (She shook, watch your words ending in 'ing')
I was closer, so I grabbed the receiver and said, (You can leave off 'and said'. If he grabbed the receiver, he's probably going to say something.)
"I'msosorry sosorry Amy. (I understand why you did this, but I am pretty sure the words still need a space. It will be interesting what the rest of the reviewers say.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
|
I knew I hadn't missed hardly any of your posts and I was right.
You have really set the plot with this post. You have done a good job and left a good hook.
She was shaking - subtly, (She shook, watch your words ending in 'ing')
I was closer, so I grabbed the receiver and said, (You can leave off 'and said'. If he grabbed the receiver, he's probably going to say something.)
"I'msosorry sosorry Amy. (I understand why you did this, but I am pretty sure the words still need a space. It will be interesting what the rest of the reviewers say.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thank you, Barbara :-). I have to watch my passive writing - thanks for that catch. I enjoy seeing what I can get away with, ajd thus far nobody's complained about the merged words. Of course, it's early days yet!
Mike
Comment from rama devi
HI Mike--
Outstanding chapter...the plot of the story and POV, pacing, dialog, etc.are all great. Descriptive detail and use of simile is top notch and brings the scene to life. Interesting characters and intense situation.
RIVETING.
This is a bit long for an FS post and you might consider posting in two part, as more people would review. However, it is fully engaging and held my attention from start to finish.
I enjoy your witty style.
This is funny-
I frowned, unsure if I even believed in angels, but when you've seen zombies, demons, and sub-dimensions, a divine creature with a striking resemblance to Ben Affleck just seems like par for the course.
This too- My office was crummier than a bread graveyard and so typical you couldn't walk from one side to the other without tripping over the clich©s. T
This is clever and original-"If our shadows stood in front of us instead of behind, if the sun became a black void in the sky and the air was packed with death and malice, and all the shit we saw in our nightmares became dreams of relief ... Would we survive?"
*this is also unique and clever but a bit over the top as a simile-
"I feel like an arsehole, Amy. I've handled this case with all the sensitivity of a concrete dildo.
***HERE there is a bit of passive voicing. note how the verb WAS comes in three times in a row-
She was shaking - subtly, but I was looking close. I didn't know if she was telling me everything about her encounter with Death, but I knew I'd give my right arm to keep her from going through it again.
***here again, passive voicing.
We were matching stares in mutual acknowledgement
We matched stares--active voicing.
** Whilst it was possible they simply believed WHILE sounds better than whilst, at least in "American"
So many clever and witty similes intermittently placed throughout--makes for a humorous, nuanced read. This is clever-
As I entered the Knights' safe house, I felt about as welcome as diarrhoea on the space shuttle.
and-the Knights were about as rational as psychos in hockey masks at summer camp.
AWesome-
Then the clock ticked and time returned with a crash of smashing bottles and folding shelves.
It looked like an expressionist painter had been flinging their brush around--Brilliant~
Also, road runner in the stomach--perfect description.
OKAY--it will take forever to quote all my favorite parts so I'm just going to read and will let you know if I find spag.
**As I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, I clamped my phone to my ear.
Suggestion--(not correction)--just for flow:
I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, clamping my phone to my ear.
*Word missing at the end of this sentence, i think...maybe you meant FIND?
There was a faint shuffle from behind my desk and I ran to investigate, torn between desperation to help and terror at what I might.
What i might find.
Wow--this is such an intense scene. your description of Amy is grisly and highly detailed...hard to read but quite impressive.
This is so close to a six with only a couple of tiny nits, so i give one in advance (if I still have one).
Such creative simile~
Kudos.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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HI Mike--
Outstanding chapter...the plot of the story and POV, pacing, dialog, etc.are all great. Descriptive detail and use of simile is top notch and brings the scene to life. Interesting characters and intense situation.
RIVETING.
This is a bit long for an FS post and you might consider posting in two part, as more people would review. However, it is fully engaging and held my attention from start to finish.
I enjoy your witty style.
This is funny-
I frowned, unsure if I even believed in angels, but when you've seen zombies, demons, and sub-dimensions, a divine creature with a striking resemblance to Ben Affleck just seems like par for the course.
This too- My office was crummier than a bread graveyard and so typical you couldn't walk from one side to the other without tripping over the clich©s. T
This is clever and original-"If our shadows stood in front of us instead of behind, if the sun became a black void in the sky and the air was packed with death and malice, and all the shit we saw in our nightmares became dreams of relief ... Would we survive?"
*this is also unique and clever but a bit over the top as a simile-
"I feel like an arsehole, Amy. I've handled this case with all the sensitivity of a concrete dildo.
***HERE there is a bit of passive voicing. note how the verb WAS comes in three times in a row-
She was shaking - subtly, but I was looking close. I didn't know if she was telling me everything about her encounter with Death, but I knew I'd give my right arm to keep her from going through it again.
***here again, passive voicing.
We were matching stares in mutual acknowledgement
We matched stares--active voicing.
** Whilst it was possible they simply believed WHILE sounds better than whilst, at least in "American"
So many clever and witty similes intermittently placed throughout--makes for a humorous, nuanced read. This is clever-
As I entered the Knights' safe house, I felt about as welcome as diarrhoea on the space shuttle.
and-the Knights were about as rational as psychos in hockey masks at summer camp.
AWesome-
Then the clock ticked and time returned with a crash of smashing bottles and folding shelves.
It looked like an expressionist painter had been flinging their brush around--Brilliant~
Also, road runner in the stomach--perfect description.
OKAY--it will take forever to quote all my favorite parts so I'm just going to read and will let you know if I find spag.
**As I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, I clamped my phone to my ear.
Suggestion--(not correction)--just for flow:
I pushed my way through the door into the night, uncaring if I was being chased, clamping my phone to my ear.
*Word missing at the end of this sentence, i think...maybe you meant FIND?
There was a faint shuffle from behind my desk and I ran to investigate, torn between desperation to help and terror at what I might.
What i might find.
Wow--this is such an intense scene. your description of Amy is grisly and highly detailed...hard to read but quite impressive.
This is so close to a six with only a couple of tiny nits, so i give one in advance (if I still have one).
Such creative simile~
Kudos.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 31-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2011
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Thank you, RD :-). Corrections duly made. I did worry a bit about the length, but it didn't feel right to chop it before the final scene. My intent with this was to build tension and humour through the first two scenes, then lay on the horror with a trowel in the final scene to shock Mike out of his confident persona. To stop after the scene with the knights felt like it would rob the final scene of some of its panic and confusion.
You're right about number of reviews, of course, but I was expecting that.
I'm so happy you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
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That is true--it would not reach the right climax cut in half. i totally understand why you chose to keep the thing intact. :) smiles, rd
