Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Your grace."memiors from my life experiences.
12 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This has a lovely tone and shows potential but still needs tweaking and refining, in my honest opinion. the main thing is a choppy flow. There are also numerous spag issues.
For example, it is fine to use no caps in a poem but not really okay to use no cap in first line yet employ caps later. Stay in one style choice and stick to it is my advice.
It is unclear where sentences begin and end. For example, the first two lines feel like two separate phrases but there is no punctuation or stanza break to indicate this.
embers that burn into ash
the fire dosen't stop as long as it's fed
This could be remedied by using a dash after line one.
Another thing impinging on flow is the use of too many filler words. Like here, using THE twice in one line and THAT, which is not really required.
The love that lit the fire
that burns deep within me
THIS IS A GREAT PHRASE! Very memorable-
I am not louder then
the music that surrounds me
Another nit to note is not just choppiness in phrasing but in thoughts. You jump from one image or idea to another with no sense of continuity or cohesiveness.
For example, these lines come after the ones noted above---and what do blue eyes and music have to do with each other?
eyes blue as the deepest sea
dare not look for eternity
Reverse syntax and phrasing makes these lines sound forced-
a soul as sweet as the ripest fruit
my fingers I pick and strum the lute
Though those lines show exquisite potential. The alliteration and consonance in line one is delicious. The rhyme pair of fruit and lute is brilliant and original!
These two lines seem random and not really linked-
it is madness to look into the abyss
your sweet lips do tremble and kiss
GREAT LINES! (note one spag nit)--
it's not you that I love
it's my love,(NO COMMA) that I give to you
Insightful--beneath anger is usually hurt.
anger that turns into sadness
for what surrounds us is madness
The gerunds (ING words) seem grammatically awkward here. May be just me-
waiting for my fire to go out
passing it along as I go
This poem has great potential but has room for fine tuning.
Best wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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This has a lovely tone and shows potential but still needs tweaking and refining, in my honest opinion. the main thing is a choppy flow. There are also numerous spag issues.
For example, it is fine to use no caps in a poem but not really okay to use no cap in first line yet employ caps later. Stay in one style choice and stick to it is my advice.
It is unclear where sentences begin and end. For example, the first two lines feel like two separate phrases but there is no punctuation or stanza break to indicate this.
embers that burn into ash
the fire dosen't stop as long as it's fed
This could be remedied by using a dash after line one.
Another thing impinging on flow is the use of too many filler words. Like here, using THE twice in one line and THAT, which is not really required.
The love that lit the fire
that burns deep within me
THIS IS A GREAT PHRASE! Very memorable-
I am not louder then
the music that surrounds me
Another nit to note is not just choppiness in phrasing but in thoughts. You jump from one image or idea to another with no sense of continuity or cohesiveness.
For example, these lines come after the ones noted above---and what do blue eyes and music have to do with each other?
eyes blue as the deepest sea
dare not look for eternity
Reverse syntax and phrasing makes these lines sound forced-
a soul as sweet as the ripest fruit
my fingers I pick and strum the lute
Though those lines show exquisite potential. The alliteration and consonance in line one is delicious. The rhyme pair of fruit and lute is brilliant and original!
These two lines seem random and not really linked-
it is madness to look into the abyss
your sweet lips do tremble and kiss
GREAT LINES! (note one spag nit)--
it's not you that I love
it's my love,(NO COMMA) that I give to you
Insightful--beneath anger is usually hurt.
anger that turns into sadness
for what surrounds us is madness
The gerunds (ING words) seem grammatically awkward here. May be just me-
waiting for my fire to go out
passing it along as I go
This poem has great potential but has room for fine tuning.
Best wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you
Comment from Bellringer
Your poem is well composed and thought provoking. There is a sense of our mortality as love's fires are maintained. "Little Billy" appears to be the source of the various emotions and thoughts expressed here. Blessings, Hector
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2011
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Your poem is well composed and thought provoking. There is a sense of our mortality as love's fires are maintained. "Little Billy" appears to be the source of the various emotions and thoughts expressed here. Blessings, Hector
Comment Written 15-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2011
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thanks for the review and the stars.
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You're welcome. Best wishes, Hector
Comment from egmosley
Kei--
I believe that I get the gist of your poem--it's a fire--it's madness--it's deep--it needs to be fed---I follow all of these, but then you put in these lines:
anger that turns into sadness-----with such burning love
why are you angry--Did I miss something.
I am just wondering.
for what surrounds us is madness--this line I get.
I still like it though.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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Kei--
I believe that I get the gist of your poem--it's a fire--it's madness--it's deep--it needs to be fed---I follow all of these, but then you put in these lines:
anger that turns into sadness-----with such burning love
why are you angry--Did I miss something.
I am just wondering.
for what surrounds us is madness--this line I get.
I still like it though.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thanks. anger to sadness is the stages of grief in psychology
Comment from Jen Gentry
YOur poetry reminds me of mine you write what you feel and that to me is what poetry is all about my friend, I can see you and feel what you feel in very line just beautiful
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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YOur poetry reminds me of mine you write what you feel and that to me is what poetry is all about my friend, I can see you and feel what you feel in very line just beautiful
Comment Written 14-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thank you for your kind review
Comment from Espresso momma
the fire dosent stop as long as it's fed...suggest..
the fire doesn't stop as ....
This is a poem that shows emotion, some strong rhyme in places and a feeling the writer the fire stays lit. Thanks for the poem.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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the fire dosent stop as long as it's fed...suggest..
the fire doesn't stop as ....
This is a poem that shows emotion, some strong rhyme in places and a feeling the writer the fire stays lit. Thanks for the poem.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thank you
Comment from DionysusDeVille
beautiful, aboslutely beautiful. Your way with words defintiely paint a picture for the reader and i'm placing that picture right at the center of my sight
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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beautiful, aboslutely beautiful. Your way with words defintiely paint a picture for the reader and i'm placing that picture right at the center of my sight
Comment Written 14-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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Thank you glad you liked it.
Comment from MizKat
keimosobie - Your Little Billy poem is very nice. I enjoyed the read and found it to be most interesting. Keep up the good work. Kat
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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keimosobie - Your Little Billy poem is very nice. I enjoyed the read and found it to be most interesting. Keep up the good work. Kat
Comment Written 14-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from ernesto escarro
Your grace
The poet is after the gentle and non
futile response from a lover.
"Your grace," that he/she wants.
Because of madness hate was there
for his/her sadness.
As expounded from all illustrated showing
he she/had expressed of everything about the
importance of their presence.
So this sincere asking against chaos
that happen.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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Your grace
The poet is after the gentle and non
futile response from a lover.
"Your grace," that he/she wants.
Because of madness hate was there
for his/her sadness.
As expounded from all illustrated showing
he she/had expressed of everything about the
importance of their presence.
So this sincere asking against chaos
that happen.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thank you for the insightful review
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WElcome. God bless.
Comment from rchitwood
Very nice poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Good creative words but I believe you need to work on your lines just a little.This is only a suggestion and I believe it would make the lines flow better. It has good emotion and good description.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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Very nice poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Good creative words but I believe you need to work on your lines just a little.This is only a suggestion and I believe it would make the lines flow better. It has good emotion and good description.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 12-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thank you
Comment from The Stranger
a poem very strong in emotion as the author displays agreat skill in his use of vocabulary by picking carefully chosen words in order to create maximum impact
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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a poem very strong in emotion as the author displays agreat skill in his use of vocabulary by picking carefully chosen words in order to create maximum impact
Comment Written 12-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2011
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thank you