Beneath the Crystal Ball
Psychic Adventures Part 123 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Writingfundimension
Very good you started your true story win a great introduction to draw my interest.
As I read your story it got more intriguing
I like the closure which leaves a reader in suspense, of what is going to happen next.
Gert
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Hello Writingfundimension
Very good you started your true story win a great introduction to draw my interest.
As I read your story it got more intriguing
I like the closure which leaves a reader in suspense, of what is going to happen next.
Gert
Comment Written 28-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much Gert. I appreciate your taking time to read the story and send along your excellent thoughts. Much appreciated...Bev
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You are welcome Bev
Gert
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Gert, I've gottten a couple of remarks about my opening paragraphs, so I've gone back in and tightened up a bit. If you get a chance, let me know what you think. I value your opinion. Thanks..Bev
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I will soon as I can Bev
I will do it tomorrow
Okay
Gert
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Oh, no rush at all Gert. I don't have the right to expect you do anything, so whatever you offer is really kindness on your part. Best wishes...Bev
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Okay But I will read it soon as I can
Gert
Comment from aernby
I like this piece. It sets the scene and the conflict very effectively. The writing is spare,although it could be tightened up for the most part. On the other hand there are a couple of spots, especially first, Paragraph that needs eo be more detail and descriptive.
The first paragraph is a single 26 word sentence that gets all the information on the table, in kind of a breathless rush, which sets the wrong mood for your story. I would conflate the first two paragraphs making the first sentence of the second opening the paragraph sentence the story. the man calling her name should stand alone as a piece of dialogue.
That's a little confusing but I think it will work better, IMHO.
this is a good write. I want to know what happens next?
john +
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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I like this piece. It sets the scene and the conflict very effectively. The writing is spare,although it could be tightened up for the most part. On the other hand there are a couple of spots, especially first, Paragraph that needs eo be more detail and descriptive.
The first paragraph is a single 26 word sentence that gets all the information on the table, in kind of a breathless rush, which sets the wrong mood for your story. I would conflate the first two paragraphs making the first sentence of the second opening the paragraph sentence the story. the man calling her name should stand alone as a piece of dialogue.
That's a little confusing but I think it will work better, IMHO.
this is a good write. I want to know what happens next?
john +
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Thanks for your review and suggestions.
Comment from Michelle S
I found this a very enjoyable read and I'll be looking for part 2.
I only have two suggestions.
The first one it that I found the beginning of the story very rushed. She ran all over town from the mall to the soap shop to the office and then home and I was tired just keeping up with her.LOL
The second one is a suggestion for a word change
I fold my body into a luxurious bubble bath - it sounds like she is being forced in to the tub.
what do you think of saying
I slide my body into a luxurious bubble bath - I think that sounds more relaxing.
Great job!
Michelle
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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I found this a very enjoyable read and I'll be looking for part 2.
I only have two suggestions.
The first one it that I found the beginning of the story very rushed. She ran all over town from the mall to the soap shop to the office and then home and I was tired just keeping up with her.LOL
The second one is a suggestion for a word change
I fold my body into a luxurious bubble bath - it sounds like she is being forced in to the tub.
what do you think of saying
I slide my body into a luxurious bubble bath - I think that sounds more relaxing.
Great job!
Michelle
Comment Written 28-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Hi Michelle. I really appreciate you taking so much time to review and read the story. I can see your point about the early sections. I've just taken a writing class in which we discussed milieu and may have gotten a bit carried away with setting that up! I see no problem with changing to slide as you kindly point out. Glad you liked the piece. I can promise in parts one and two I'll be staying put a bit more! Thanks again...Bev
Comment from syndactl
I found this story very enjoyable to read. It flowed very nicely without being wordy, and the conversation was very well-done. All-in-all, this was written very well. It easily sparks the readers interest at the beginning and holds it throughout, leaving the reader expectant for the next installment.
I noticed a couple nits:
"Lobbing my keys [unto] the kitchen countertop" <- should be "onto" not "unto"
"pubescent girls laughing and sharing delicious, gossipy secrets among themselves." <- this one sentence is very long and wordy. At the last description, I suggest cutting out either "delicious" or "gossipy".
Other than that, I found nothing to complain about.
Very well done.
-Syndactl
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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I found this story very enjoyable to read. It flowed very nicely without being wordy, and the conversation was very well-done. All-in-all, this was written very well. It easily sparks the readers interest at the beginning and holds it throughout, leaving the reader expectant for the next installment.
I noticed a couple nits:
"Lobbing my keys [unto] the kitchen countertop" <- should be "onto" not "unto"
"pubescent girls laughing and sharing delicious, gossipy secrets among themselves." <- this one sentence is very long and wordy. At the last description, I suggest cutting out either "delicious" or "gossipy".
Other than that, I found nothing to complain about.
Very well done.
-Syndactl
Comment Written 28-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Thanks syndactl. I appreciate you taking so much time to read and send along your wonderful review. I think your changes definitely have merit; and will make them! Much appreciate your assistance. Best wishes...Bev
Comment from BethShelby
I hope you not going to stop here. I want to know what happens next. I am always curious about these things and what you have written has held my interest and left me wanting more.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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I hope you not going to stop here. I want to know what happens next. I am always curious about these things and what you have written has held my interest and left me wanting more.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2011
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Hi Beth. Thanks so much for your wonderful and encouraging review. Parts 2 and 3 are coming very soon. I'm very gratified by your interst. Best wishes...Bev
Comment from marcii
It must have some down sides knowing things that others don't and people that as you say here think you work for the devil.
On the other hand it also must be satisfying to be able to not only help people here but others in the after life or ghosts as you say here.
Marcii
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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It must have some down sides knowing things that others don't and people that as you say here think you work for the devil.
On the other hand it also must be satisfying to be able to not only help people here but others in the after life or ghosts as you say here.
Marcii
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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The work can be very draining, for sure. But, as the story progresses I hope to convey how rewarding it is also. Thanks for stopping by to read and send along your excellent review Marcii. Appreciate it.
Comment from bowls
I can't wait to find out just what it is about the store that's so unusual. You've started your story well, establishing a good reader-writer relationship by taking the reader into your confidence from the outset. You've gone out of your way to show that you're a "normal" person with exceptional abilities so the reader is prepared to accept what you have to say later. I'll be watching for your net post with eager anticipation.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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I can't wait to find out just what it is about the store that's so unusual. You've started your story well, establishing a good reader-writer relationship by taking the reader into your confidence from the outset. You've gone out of your way to show that you're a "normal" person with exceptional abilities so the reader is prepared to accept what you have to say later. I'll be watching for your net post with eager anticipation.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Hi bowls. Thanks so much for your really wonderful words of encouragement. I'll be posting part 2 very soon. I think your review is very helpful on several levels and shows a genuine interest in the piece and the fact you read it through it thoughtfully. I really appreciate that very much. Blessings.
Comment from Twomoon
Ok,writing fun!! Now I am addicted to you! lol, I read your bio, because I was looking at some of your titles of your previous work, all of which I have a shared interest! Now this has my attention! I loved this and have many experiences of my own, I have been told to do this for a living, but my husband and I own our own business and trying to make that work. I am working on a physic book of my own. This is a topic that facinates and touches me! I look forward to reading more of your work. I will friend you because I must! hugs twomoon
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Ok,writing fun!! Now I am addicted to you! lol, I read your bio, because I was looking at some of your titles of your previous work, all of which I have a shared interest! Now this has my attention! I loved this and have many experiences of my own, I have been told to do this for a living, but my husband and I own our own business and trying to make that work. I am working on a physic book of my own. This is a topic that facinates and touches me! I look forward to reading more of your work. I will friend you because I must! hugs twomoon
Comment Written 26-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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I love that you share the gift! A couple of other writers on the site have mentioned they share our psychic talents as well. I look forward to reading excerpts from your book, for sure. I'm fortunate to have a husband to financially support us while allowing me time to do psychic work as well as the writing, though I did work fulltime in the job mentioned in the story for 25 years. I am so glad that we've 'met'. Wahoo! Hugs, Bev
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ditto!!!
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Wfd,
A well-written and interesting story. I like how you use your thoughts to carry the piece. Your descriptions of the mall scenes in the mall and while at the Bath and Body Works is very detailed. Your hesitancy to take the phone message creates suspense. The fact that the story is based on truth also is appealing. All in all, a very good read.
Ray
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hello Wfd,
A well-written and interesting story. I like how you use your thoughts to carry the piece. Your descriptions of the mall scenes in the mall and while at the Bath and Body Works is very detailed. Your hesitancy to take the phone message creates suspense. The fact that the story is based on truth also is appealing. All in all, a very good read.
Ray
Comment Written 26-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much Ray for taking time out to read my story and send along your wonderful review. Parts 2 and 3, I hope, will be even more interesting. I've enjoyed the great feedback from reviewers like yourself. Blessings...Bev
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Writingfundimension,
I read this story yesterday and thought I had written a review but obviously not! I find this an intriguing write and one that left me guessing about the meeting between Beth and the stranger. I smiled when I read abut the doctor not dictating his notes on time and losing hospital privileges. Many years ago I worked for a doctor that did the same...use to drive me crazy. You have good writing skills and I enjoyed reading this story. Well done. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hi Writingfundimension,
I read this story yesterday and thought I had written a review but obviously not! I find this an intriguing write and one that left me guessing about the meeting between Beth and the stranger. I smiled when I read abut the doctor not dictating his notes on time and losing hospital privileges. Many years ago I worked for a doctor that did the same...use to drive me crazy. You have good writing skills and I enjoyed reading this story. Well done. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 26-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hey, thanks so much for taking time to read and send along your wonderful review. I really appreciate it; and the fact that you can relate to the transcription part. Things are so different now, that I don't even know if doctor's offices have transcriptionists on staff anymore. Thanks so much again for your encouragement. Blessings...Bev
