Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "My Baby's Shell"memiors from my life experiences.
11 total reviews
Comment from sasil
Sounds like an anti-abortion slogan. Luckily, I agree that the unborn need a voice. Good rhyme/rhythm to this. I enjoyed reading this--keep up the good writing!
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
  |
Sounds like an anti-abortion slogan. Luckily, I agree that the unborn need a voice. Good rhyme/rhythm to this. I enjoyed reading this--keep up the good writing!
Comment Written 27-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
-
Thank you for the review and the stars.
Comment from rosah
loved this, especially the parts that say...we are all one, .and.......your life is not more important than mine, great, important poem, and message, thank you for sharing, peace be with you.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2010
|
loved this, especially the parts that say...we are all one, .and.......your life is not more important than mine, great, important poem, and message, thank you for sharing, peace be with you.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2010
-
thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Paulpl52
There is a clear message here and one that plays on the conscience. I like the meaning behind this poem and the thought it evokes. give him the life you rejoice
Not sure if you need a comma after life? Seems an odd line that one. Also I would capitalise 'god' in one of the lines. Paul.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
 |
There is a clear message here and one that plays on the conscience. I like the meaning behind this poem and the thought it evokes. give him the life you rejoice
Not sure if you need a comma after life? Seems an odd line that one. Also I would capitalise 'god' in one of the lines. Paul.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
-
So u gave me four stars because I didn't capitize god? Okay thanks for the review
-
I didn't know whether you meant an earthly god, (money, cars, fame, a statue ect) or the creator God of the universe. The poem wasn't clear on that point. If you meant the latter, and adjust, then I will gladly upgrade. Also I pointed out the line which mentions life. Didn't quite read right to me. In the past I have been slated for leaving out a full stop. Paul ;)
Comment from Triple P
I have taken note! =)
Well-written, and I totally agree.
I'm not sure if these were intentional or not, but I do think I may have found a few typos.
1 - in line 7, you forgot one 'e' in every (evry).
2 - in line 9, you don't need the 's' in 'thats'.
3 - in line 12, you forgot the 'w' in 'whole'.
Just me being nit-picky, but also trying to be helpful.
Great poem.
Blessings,
Patrick.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
I have taken note! =)
Well-written, and I totally agree.
I'm not sure if these were intentional or not, but I do think I may have found a few typos.
1 - in line 7, you forgot one 'e' in every (evry).
2 - in line 9, you don't need the 's' in 'thats'.
3 - in line 12, you forgot the 'w' in 'whole'.
Just me being nit-picky, but also trying to be helpful.
Great poem.
Blessings,
Patrick.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
thank you for the kind review
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
Yes each life is valuable; we each should have choice. Poem needs some work; it's meaning is not clear.
you want god to save your soul [capitalize God]
evry life has a feeling sublime
[every]
but Satan wants to devour you hole [whole means to devour all of you][this hole = cavity, cell, or dip]
give him the life you rejoyce [rejoice]
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
Yes each life is valuable; we each should have choice. Poem needs some work; it's meaning is not clear.
you want god to save your soul [capitalize God]
evry life has a feeling sublime
[every]
but Satan wants to devour you hole [whole means to devour all of you][this hole = cavity, cell, or dip]
give him the life you rejoyce [rejoice]
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
thanks for the crrections
Comment from Bellringer
Well written poem about the choice of whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. I'm sure you're going to get a variety of responses. But, that is what writing is all about---to make people think and or feel something. Three nits:
"you want god [God] to save your soul"
"but Satan wants to devour you [whole] hole"
"give him the life you rejoyce [rejoice]"
Best wishes, Hector
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
Well written poem about the choice of whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. I'm sure you're going to get a variety of responses. But, that is what writing is all about---to make people think and or feel something. Three nits:
"you want god [God] to save your soul"
"but Satan wants to devour you [whole] hole"
"give him the life you rejoyce [rejoice]"
Best wishes, Hector
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
thank you for the corrections
Comment from Valkarie
Very good writing here which flows well is concise and has a good flow of words which are very concise and most powerful to the reader. Third paragraph down please check>>>word..evry..
should be>>>every.
Apart from this your poem is well written and presented
Valkarie...
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
Very good writing here which flows well is concise and has a good flow of words which are very concise and most powerful to the reader. Third paragraph down please check>>>word..evry..
should be>>>every.
Apart from this your poem is well written and presented
Valkarie...
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
thank you for the corrections
Comment from JeJo
This is a good piece, stating the effects of disunity, but also how unity should be. These lines are powerful for that connection:
"we are all equal under the sun
you murder one, we all come undone"
The reason for the 'four' is there are some misspelled words and some SPAG, such as:
please don't brake my baby's shell - 'brake' should be 'break'
evry life has a feeling sublime - 'evry' should be 'every' (or ev'ry if you wanted it abbreviated)
I'm here to tell you thats it's true - typo - 'thats' should be 'that'
you want god to save your soul - isn't 'god' supposed to be capitalized?
but Satan wants to devour you hole - 'hole' should be 'whole'
give him the life you rejoyce - unless you normally spell 'rejoyce' that way because of the area you live, it should be 'rejoice'
it's your own soul you will loose - 'loose' should be 'lose'
I like the alternating couplets and tercet verses with the rhymes, and the message correlates, spiritually, with the title. All the best, Jen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
This is a good piece, stating the effects of disunity, but also how unity should be. These lines are powerful for that connection:
"we are all equal under the sun
you murder one, we all come undone"
The reason for the 'four' is there are some misspelled words and some SPAG, such as:
please don't brake my baby's shell - 'brake' should be 'break'
evry life has a feeling sublime - 'evry' should be 'every' (or ev'ry if you wanted it abbreviated)
I'm here to tell you thats it's true - typo - 'thats' should be 'that'
you want god to save your soul - isn't 'god' supposed to be capitalized?
but Satan wants to devour you hole - 'hole' should be 'whole'
give him the life you rejoyce - unless you normally spell 'rejoyce' that way because of the area you live, it should be 'rejoice'
it's your own soul you will loose - 'loose' should be 'lose'
I like the alternating couplets and tercet verses with the rhymes, and the message correlates, spiritually, with the title. All the best, Jen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
thank you corrections made
Comment from adewpearl
brake my shell - break
more important then mine - than
evry life has a feeling - every
thats it's true - that it's
you want god to save your soul - God
give him the life you rejoyce - rejoice
soul you will loose - lose
You express your beliefs strongly, with passion and conviction - and in solid rhyme.
The 4 is for the technical errors, not the poem itself - if you make the edits, just let me know and I'll gladly raise your score to a 5. Brooke
rating made for edits :-)
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
brake my shell - break
more important then mine - than
evry life has a feeling - every
thats it's true - that it's
you want god to save your soul - God
give him the life you rejoyce - rejoice
soul you will loose - lose
You express your beliefs strongly, with passion and conviction - and in solid rhyme.
The 4 is for the technical errors, not the poem itself - if you make the edits, just let me know and I'll gladly raise your score to a 5. Brooke
rating made for edits :-)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
guess I shouldn't drink and write. corrections made thanks.
-
I've raised the rating :-)
Comment from mojo78
A strong message you have in this one and I love the wording and flow. Yes there is a lot of truth and importance in the poem you have wrote. The last two lines have a great importance is it OK if I share this one especially the last two lines as there are a lot of friends I know who I would love to get a message across to them and these words have some strength though I have struggled to get the message across to them. : )
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
|
A strong message you have in this one and I love the wording and flow. Yes there is a lot of truth and importance in the poem you have wrote. The last two lines have a great importance is it OK if I share this one especially the last two lines as there are a lot of friends I know who I would love to get a message across to them and these words have some strength though I have struggled to get the message across to them. : )
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
-
Yes It's okay thanks for the great review
-
np : )