Bottom of the Loch
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Bonnie can't sit on Beach anymore"Parents die, so she moves in with unknown family
11 total reviews
Comment from krprice
I wish Nick would return. She stared wistfully over the water.
As she sat. . .just used 'wistfully out over the water.'
Hank shook. . .Well, don't worry. I'll keep. . .
She came. . . "Is that you, Bonnie? Is it time?"
Good fast moving chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
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I wish Nick would return. She stared wistfully over the water.
As she sat. . .just used 'wistfully out over the water.'
Hank shook. . .Well, don't worry. I'll keep. . .
She came. . . "Is that you, Bonnie? Is it time?"
Good fast moving chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
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keep reading, thank you so so much
Comment from Readywriter52
Bonnie is getting bigger and bigger. The pregnancy sounds painful. The baby has finally come so she will get relief soon from the pregnancy.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Bonnie is getting bigger and bigger. The pregnancy sounds painful. The baby has finally come so she will get relief soon from the pregnancy.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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it must have been, thank you
Comment from Tellis
This story is really getting interestng. I wonder if nick will ever come back? What i the baby is too big and needs to come out C section? Excellently done.
Tellis
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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This story is really getting interestng. I wonder if nick will ever come back? What i the baby is too big and needs to come out C section? Excellently done.
Tellis
Comment Written 22-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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so so glad
Comment from misscookie
As always the story had my attention from the being to the the last word
This story is filled with emotion, suspense and love.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
This is a good write.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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As always the story had my attention from the being to the the last word
This story is filled with emotion, suspense and love.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
This is a good write.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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thank you I am so glad you see this
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I don't know what your talking about You gladI see this?
but your welcome for for your good write.
Comment from sopranodebs
Hi Grace, Don't hate me OK? But I found this chapter just didn't flow. There were many sentences where basic verbs[as,if,the,to etc] were missing, which is what would have given you that flow. Mistake I found are listed in sync with your chapter
**little nightgowns out and draw[drew] a pattern**
**She was in[a tee shirt] and [the]shorts she had let out at the waist**
**she stared wistfully out over the water[double up]**
**had been close[r] she**
**beach this thing of the deep {stayed out there[remained where it belonged]gives a scarier feel}**
**"Sara told her, "It won't be long now, and made a special trip to the neighbor Hank["It won't be long now,Sara said, [then she]made a special trip to the neighbor Hank**
**A large piece of red flannel that was more pink than red[, delete] now[comma] from being out [in "all manner of" weather conditions" ["there" [delete]]laid at the bottom of the pole**
**How is Gramps?" Hank[s "delete"] asked**
**Oh, he is back in his garden and ["into the"[slipped into his] past again**
**flag and come [either add "to" or delete "come"]let you know**
**It was about 3 a.m. when the [labor]pains racked through Bonnie's body, Sara ["had" [past tense]delete] told her 'don't be scared as there will be many"more" pains before your little["one"[delete "stranger"]]((many women feel they are already intimate with their unborn's-I would address this)) ["are" delete] arrives, but["so Bonnie" get ? to help you put that flag up as soon as the first pain is over**
**Bonnie waited; [it "delete"][and the intensity of her pain] gradually grew less[,] ["and" Delete] then [it] stopped**
**Is that you Bonnie[comma]is it time["]?";"Bonnie went with him[,]["and [delete]["then together"] ["between them[delete], they raised the red cloth to the top "of the totem pole".
I know this seems an awful lot, I am sorry. I hope you take this review the way it is intended. I suggest you copy your chapter, make the changes and read both to get a feel for the difference. Best of luck- Debbie
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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Hi Grace, Don't hate me OK? But I found this chapter just didn't flow. There were many sentences where basic verbs[as,if,the,to etc] were missing, which is what would have given you that flow. Mistake I found are listed in sync with your chapter
**little nightgowns out and draw[drew] a pattern**
**She was in[a tee shirt] and [the]shorts she had let out at the waist**
**she stared wistfully out over the water[double up]**
**had been close[r] she**
**beach this thing of the deep {stayed out there[remained where it belonged]gives a scarier feel}**
**"Sara told her, "It won't be long now, and made a special trip to the neighbor Hank["It won't be long now,Sara said, [then she]made a special trip to the neighbor Hank**
**A large piece of red flannel that was more pink than red[, delete] now[comma] from being out [in "all manner of" weather conditions" ["there" [delete]]laid at the bottom of the pole**
**How is Gramps?" Hank[s "delete"] asked**
**Oh, he is back in his garden and ["into the"[slipped into his] past again**
**flag and come [either add "to" or delete "come"]let you know**
**It was about 3 a.m. when the [labor]pains racked through Bonnie's body, Sara ["had" [past tense]delete] told her 'don't be scared as there will be many"more" pains before your little["one"[delete "stranger"]]((many women feel they are already intimate with their unborn's-I would address this)) ["are" delete] arrives, but["so Bonnie" get ? to help you put that flag up as soon as the first pain is over**
**Bonnie waited; [it "delete"][and the intensity of her pain] gradually grew less[,] ["and" Delete] then [it] stopped**
**Is that you Bonnie[comma]is it time["]?";"Bonnie went with him[,]["and [delete]["then together"] ["between them[delete], they raised the red cloth to the top "of the totem pole".
I know this seems an awful lot, I am sorry. I hope you take this review the way it is intended. I suggest you copy your chapter, make the changes and read both to get a feel for the difference. Best of luck- Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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My grammar check told me to take out the verbs, haha, I usually do not run it on the first draft, thank you for the help, I will work on second draft.
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Oh, I am so pleased you took my review with such grace and the way it was intended. I look forward to the second. I know grammar check can be limiting at times.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
"Is that you Bonnie is it time? ("Is that you, Bonnie. Is it time?)
In the next sentence, the she should be lower case.
I anxious to see how she gives birth to an octupus.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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"Is that you Bonnie is it time? ("Is that you, Bonnie. Is it time?)
In the next sentence, the she should be lower case.
I anxious to see how she gives birth to an octupus.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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thank you my friend for your help
Comment from ulster3
Hello wierdgrace.
This is a worrisome situation indeed. I sure hope Bonnie will be okay. I just love Gramps. You must know that this is one of my favorite stories.
Fondly, rebecca
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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Hello wierdgrace.
This is a worrisome situation indeed. I sure hope Bonnie will be okay. I just love Gramps. You must know that this is one of my favorite stories.
Fondly, rebecca
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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we will see, thank you
Comment from michaelcindy
great writing . your building of suspences is exceelent. I hope to read the next chapter. you helped bring the charaters to life
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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great writing . your building of suspences is exceelent. I hope to read the next chapter. you helped bring the charaters to life
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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thank you so much
Comment from whizpurr ^-^
This is an interesting chapter that is easy to relate to.
You have a marvelous story on the go. Below are a few suggested changes that might help.
>and 'drew' now 'draw' a pattern
>she cut and pinned the pattern pieces (not 'them')
> As she sat there and sewed, staring wistfully out at the water,
> Sara said, "It won't be long now."
> Then they made a special trip to see their neighbour, Hank.
Cheers, W ^-^
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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This is an interesting chapter that is easy to relate to.
You have a marvelous story on the go. Below are a few suggested changes that might help.
>and 'drew' now 'draw' a pattern
>she cut and pinned the pattern pieces (not 'them')
> As she sat there and sewed, staring wistfully out at the water,
> Sara said, "It won't be long now."
> Then they made a special trip to see their neighbour, Hank.
Cheers, W ^-^
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your hlep
Comment from light
Grace,
I missed a couple of chapters, but I caught up with this one. It looks like the baby is due any minute. It's good grandpa came around. I'll try not to miss the next chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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Grace,
I missed a couple of chapters, but I caught up with this one. It looks like the baby is due any minute. It's good grandpa came around. I'll try not to miss the next chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 21-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2010
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hope you get time to go back and read, but thank you so so much
