Bottom of the Loch
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Bonnie confides with Grandfather"Parents die, so she moves in with unknown family
9 total reviews
Comment from rmdelta
grace,
excellent chapter, my dear friend. Great descriptives throughout work well in providing us great imagery. Dialogue is strong.
Reggie
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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grace,
excellent chapter, my dear friend. Great descriptives throughout work well in providing us great imagery. Dialogue is strong.
Reggie
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you so much
Comment from Tellis
I guess Gramps just needed something to get his focus off of the past and bring him into the present. The baby coming is a great thing for them.
Tellis
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2010
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I guess Gramps just needed something to get his focus off of the past and bring him into the present. The baby coming is a great thing for them.
Tellis
Comment Written 12-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2010
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tjos os sp true, thank you
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am struggling that after all this time Gramps suddenly understands. I am interesting in this baby.
She was scared to death (who's she? You don't tell us for four paragraphs)
"Yes, I know, "He answered. (lower case 'h' on he. The sentence before it needs a comma not a period after know.)
Then he stopped in front of her, "Bonnie, you have to be examined, has Hank seen you?" she asked. (period after her & he asked not she)
Gramps then ask her, "when is the baby due?" (you don't need her, who else would he be speaking with and 'When' should be capitalized.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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I am struggling that after all this time Gramps suddenly understands. I am interesting in this baby.
She was scared to death (who's she? You don't tell us for four paragraphs)
"Yes, I know, "He answered. (lower case 'h' on he. The sentence before it needs a comma not a period after know.)
Then he stopped in front of her, "Bonnie, you have to be examined, has Hank seen you?" she asked. (period after her & he asked not she)
Gramps then ask her, "when is the baby due?" (you don't need her, who else would he be speaking with and 'When' should be capitalized.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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I am now starting to reread and fix so many errors, thank you for your help
Comment from krprice
Run through a grammar checker.
This has more action. We need to see Grampa's reaction more, not to mention Bonnie's. Should she be concerned about being PG so young, and now Nick's disappeared.
Karlene
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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Run through a grammar checker.
This has more action. We need to see Grampa's reaction more, not to mention Bonnie's. Should she be concerned about being PG so young, and now Nick's disappeared.
Karlene
Comment Written 11-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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I will thank you
Comment from Deejharrington
Smart gramps! He knew all along. She couldn't fool him. Gramps took it well and was very practical. I liked how you had the conversation between them. Very good dialog. The story is still holding the interest.
deb
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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Smart gramps! He knew all along. She couldn't fool him. Gramps took it well and was very practical. I liked how you had the conversation between them. Very good dialog. The story is still holding the interest.
deb
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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thank you thats a nice compliment
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you're welcome
deb
Comment from Readywriter52
Bonnie has told Gramps about her pregnancy. He seems understanding. He seems concerned that there is enough money for the child. It's good that Bonnie has support.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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Bonnie has told Gramps about her pregnancy. He seems understanding. He seems concerned that there is enough money for the child. It's good that Bonnie has support.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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its hard to see what he understands, but true,
Comment from tspencer
Ok, I admit it, you've made me a fan. Good and interesting story! I knew you would not disappoint with this new chapter. Thank for the writing such a great story.
tspencer
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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Ok, I admit it, you've made me a fan. Good and interesting story! I knew you would not disappoint with this new chapter. Thank for the writing such a great story.
tspencer
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2010
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thank you,more to come
Comment from DrJane
Your story is very interesting but needs some work with punctuation and sentence structure. There are some spots where the sentence is worded in such a way that the reader cannot tell to which character the writer is referring. I'm sure this can be tightened up quickly.
Best Wishes,
Jane Westerfield
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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Your story is very interesting but needs some work with punctuation and sentence structure. There are some spots where the sentence is worded in such a way that the reader cannot tell to which character the writer is referring. I'm sure this can be tightened up quickly.
Best Wishes,
Jane Westerfield
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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Yes it does, I need it more andmore, that is why I must start second draft, later. hope you enjoy next chapter
Comment from FredCollingwood
This is pretty rough, Grace. I stopped noting them. There are more. I don't know why you post a first draft. I love your writing and I hate mark it down, but it really needs a lot of work.
(She wished she had a picture of Nick and she tried to draw his image from her mind's eye, but it never came out right,) (some way the body did not look right,) (there would be lines where they should not be.) > big run-on sentence. It looks like you have three in here.
She tore up all the drawings she had sketched while on the beach, she waited as long as she could without telling the Grandfather, then one bright sunny morning Gramps was at his best. > three more running together.
He looked up() and now his face got serious > add comma
"Yes, I know,( )"(H)e answered. > remove space >> lower case
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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This is pretty rough, Grace. I stopped noting them. There are more. I don't know why you post a first draft. I love your writing and I hate mark it down, but it really needs a lot of work.
(She wished she had a picture of Nick and she tried to draw his image from her mind's eye, but it never came out right,) (some way the body did not look right,) (there would be lines where they should not be.) > big run-on sentence. It looks like you have three in here.
She tore up all the drawings she had sketched while on the beach, she waited as long as she could without telling the Grandfather, then one bright sunny morning Gramps was at his best. > three more running together.
He looked up() and now his face got serious > add comma
"Yes, I know,( )"(H)e answered. > remove space >> lower case
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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I am so sorry, I know I should not have written that day, I will reread, thank you
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Let me know if you get it fixed up and I'll be more than happy to re-review and re-rate. I love your stories.
