Ghost Town USA
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Ghost Town in sight"A sandy trip in the desert
13 total reviews
Comment from Border Reiver
Hi Grace,
Sorry I've been hacking away at your story here. I do mean well by it though so don't take to heart, so far I find your plot quite interesting and I want to carry on reading.
There are quite a lot of SPAG errors in the story and a typo which I've pointed out below. I've also offered a few suggestions where you could make some alterations to improve the flow.
So, she got out, GAVE her car a backward look,
Every once in a while she would stop and shine the light on both sides to see if any buildings or something or anything showed up, but nothing but cactus and desert. [Something and anything have the same meaning, but differ in that something is used in positive statements and anything is used in negative statements and questions. Also the last part of the sentence is missing something. Here's a suggestion for an edit: Every once in a while she would stop and shine the light on both sides to see if any buildings or anything showed up [you could even cut out 'any buildings' as buildings are still something and that would avoid using any twice so close to each other],
but she saw nothing but cactus and desert.
Then the moon came up and it was gorgeous, sending a weird glow over the land. [Perhaps you could find a better word that 'weird' everyone has a different idea as to what is weird, so using a stronger word which describes exactly what you want the reader to envisage]
Now her legs and body were hurting in every muscle from the exercise she was not use to. [How about swapping the word order in this sentence, it might flow better: Now every muscle in her legs and body was hurting from the exercise she was not use to.]
The moon was getting lower and lower in the sky and in the east, she could see light of day advancing, another hour and the sun would come up. [This sentence might benefit from being split into two. As I read it appeared as though the moon was getting lower in the sky and in the east. So the meaning might be a little clearer if the sentence were cut here i.e. The moon was getting lower and lower in the sky. In the east, she could see light of day...]
Suddenly, South of her she saw a light. [You don't need the capital letter on south.]
and as its glare hit the light, she was following. [I'm no expert of comma placement myself. However, I'm sure this one isn't right. 'The light she was following' is all one clause and shouldn't been separated by a comma.]
Now Wilma could see it was a sign, a wooden sign that was across the road, [The pace of the story would pick up if you remover the first sign i.e. Wilma could see it was a wooden sign that [lay] across the road.]
She removed her sandals she was wearing. [Would you really phrase that this way? Perhaps you could try something like: She removed THE sandals she was wearing./ She removed her sandals.]
She ran a ways and then again put on her sandals. [Is a ways standard US English? I've never heard it before it sounds strange to me. Anyway moving on- 'again put on her sandals.' How many times has she put on her sandals? She already had them on when we started the story so this is the first time she has put them on within the story and therefore you don't need to say AGAIN.]
The noise of the desert around her was coming to life in the dawn of the day. [Was the noise coming to life or the desert itself? 'The desert around her came to life in the dawn of the day' suggests that it's getting noisier anyway.
It was terror, like [the] one she had never known before. [Ditch the 'the' it serves no purpose. In fact get rid of the 'one' too. Don't you think it flows better? '"It was terror like she had never known before" I also don't think you need a comma in this sentence.]
Now to the side she saw a clump of sand. [To the side of what? I assume it's Wilma so this would be clearer if it were written: Now to her side she saw a clump of sand.]
It was high and looked as though it was covering something. Wilma went over and brushed some of the sand away to see what it was covering. [You've said 'covering' twice within a short period, try changing the second 'covering' for something else like hiding. I've thought about: to see what was hidden underneath.]
She dug further and suddenly a million knats swarmed out and around her. [A million seems a very exact description and unlikely, as an alternative you could consider something like a cloud or a swarm or even thousands.]
She backed up and headed for the sign. Now she called out at the top of her lungs, "Is anyone there?" No Answer. [This needs sped up quite a bit, make her do everything at once She backed up and headed for the sign, calling out at the top of her lungs, "Is anyone there?"
There was no answer.]
These are all suggestions. If you do make any changes do send me a message I'm happy to have another look and re-rate if necessary.
Katrina
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Hi Grace,
Sorry I've been hacking away at your story here. I do mean well by it though so don't take to heart, so far I find your plot quite interesting and I want to carry on reading.
There are quite a lot of SPAG errors in the story and a typo which I've pointed out below. I've also offered a few suggestions where you could make some alterations to improve the flow.
So, she got out, GAVE her car a backward look,
Every once in a while she would stop and shine the light on both sides to see if any buildings or something or anything showed up, but nothing but cactus and desert. [Something and anything have the same meaning, but differ in that something is used in positive statements and anything is used in negative statements and questions. Also the last part of the sentence is missing something. Here's a suggestion for an edit: Every once in a while she would stop and shine the light on both sides to see if any buildings or anything showed up [you could even cut out 'any buildings' as buildings are still something and that would avoid using any twice so close to each other],
but she saw nothing but cactus and desert.
Then the moon came up and it was gorgeous, sending a weird glow over the land. [Perhaps you could find a better word that 'weird' everyone has a different idea as to what is weird, so using a stronger word which describes exactly what you want the reader to envisage]
Now her legs and body were hurting in every muscle from the exercise she was not use to. [How about swapping the word order in this sentence, it might flow better: Now every muscle in her legs and body was hurting from the exercise she was not use to.]
The moon was getting lower and lower in the sky and in the east, she could see light of day advancing, another hour and the sun would come up. [This sentence might benefit from being split into two. As I read it appeared as though the moon was getting lower in the sky and in the east. So the meaning might be a little clearer if the sentence were cut here i.e. The moon was getting lower and lower in the sky. In the east, she could see light of day...]
Suddenly, South of her she saw a light. [You don't need the capital letter on south.]
and as its glare hit the light, she was following. [I'm no expert of comma placement myself. However, I'm sure this one isn't right. 'The light she was following' is all one clause and shouldn't been separated by a comma.]
Now Wilma could see it was a sign, a wooden sign that was across the road, [The pace of the story would pick up if you remover the first sign i.e. Wilma could see it was a wooden sign that [lay] across the road.]
She removed her sandals she was wearing. [Would you really phrase that this way? Perhaps you could try something like: She removed THE sandals she was wearing./ She removed her sandals.]
She ran a ways and then again put on her sandals. [Is a ways standard US English? I've never heard it before it sounds strange to me. Anyway moving on- 'again put on her sandals.' How many times has she put on her sandals? She already had them on when we started the story so this is the first time she has put them on within the story and therefore you don't need to say AGAIN.]
The noise of the desert around her was coming to life in the dawn of the day. [Was the noise coming to life or the desert itself? 'The desert around her came to life in the dawn of the day' suggests that it's getting noisier anyway.
It was terror, like [the] one she had never known before. [Ditch the 'the' it serves no purpose. In fact get rid of the 'one' too. Don't you think it flows better? '"It was terror like she had never known before" I also don't think you need a comma in this sentence.]
Now to the side she saw a clump of sand. [To the side of what? I assume it's Wilma so this would be clearer if it were written: Now to her side she saw a clump of sand.]
It was high and looked as though it was covering something. Wilma went over and brushed some of the sand away to see what it was covering. [You've said 'covering' twice within a short period, try changing the second 'covering' for something else like hiding. I've thought about: to see what was hidden underneath.]
She dug further and suddenly a million knats swarmed out and around her. [A million seems a very exact description and unlikely, as an alternative you could consider something like a cloud or a swarm or even thousands.]
She backed up and headed for the sign. Now she called out at the top of her lungs, "Is anyone there?" No Answer. [This needs sped up quite a bit, make her do everything at once She backed up and headed for the sign, calling out at the top of her lungs, "Is anyone there?"
There was no answer.]
These are all suggestions. If you do make any changes do send me a message I'm happy to have another look and re-rate if necessary.
Katrina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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It is find, I have done my best to keep working on the drafts, thank you for your suggestions
Comment from knowledge
This needs a bit of polishing. Read it out loud to yourself and you will see what I mean. If you want I could rewrite it and send it back to you.
Your story is moving along well.
Thank You My Friend,
knowledge
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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This needs a bit of polishing. Read it out loud to yourself and you will see what I mean. If you want I could rewrite it and send it back to you.
Your story is moving along well.
Thank You My Friend,
knowledge
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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I will today, I am writing a short to post while working on spag, plus, I need to read so I can post with points, I want my readers to have points, and still enjoy, you have been so helpful
Comment from Kasey Carroll
The story is good needs some adjustments to the flow.
Some of the sentences don't make sense in the context of the story. The sentence... So, she got out, giver her car a backward look....giver should be gave
This sentence is missing something... if any buildings or something or anything showed up, but nothing but cactus and desert. ...
South doesn't need capitalized...Suddenly, South of her she saw a light...
knats??? are you saying gnats? the small flies?
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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The story is good needs some adjustments to the flow.
Some of the sentences don't make sense in the context of the story. The sentence... So, she got out, giver her car a backward look....giver should be gave
This sentence is missing something... if any buildings or something or anything showed up, but nothing but cactus and desert. ...
South doesn't need capitalized...Suddenly, South of her she saw a light...
knats??? are you saying gnats? the small flies?
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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I changed that but must have done it in the original, I will get back to this and fix thank you
Comment from ulster3
Hi wierd grace.
I never heard that sucking on a small rock could help. Is that for real? I'm so fearful of snaks, poisoness or not, that would do me in! This is an enjoyable and excellent read as always. Rebecca
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hi wierd grace.
I never heard that sucking on a small rock could help. Is that for real? I'm so fearful of snaks, poisoness or not, that would do me in! This is an enjoyable and excellent read as always. Rebecca
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Yes, moisture I think, but it does help a bit
Comment from FredCollingwood
A grea continuation of your story. minor coomments:
Her mouth was so dry() and she knew she needed water. > add comma before a coordinating conjunction joining independent clauses.
Suddenly, (S)outh of her she saw a light. > not a proper noun. Use lower case.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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A grea continuation of your story. minor coomments:
Her mouth was so dry() and she knew she needed water. > add comma before a coordinating conjunction joining independent clauses.
Suddenly, (S)outh of her she saw a light. > not a proper noun. Use lower case.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you for help I will get to it, and fix it all
Comment from adewpearl
she got out, giver her car a backward glance - gave her car
exercise she was not use to - used to
She removed her sandals she was wearing - you don't really need to say she was wearing them.
knats swarmed her - gnats
gnats and spiders and rattlesnakes - not a happy position to be in
Ghost Town U.S.A. - that is intriguing - can't wait to see what she'll encounter :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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she got out, giver her car a backward glance - gave her car
exercise she was not use to - used to
She removed her sandals she was wearing - you don't really need to say she was wearing them.
knats swarmed her - gnats
gnats and spiders and rattlesnakes - not a happy position to be in
Ghost Town U.S.A. - that is intriguing - can't wait to see what she'll encounter :-) Brooke
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you for your help, I will fix soon
Comment from misscookie
Well its day light and read this part of your story it wasn't bad at all infact I enjoyed it very much sorry I couldn't say the same foe your charcther. you really gor her going through some stugg this is a good wrire.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Well its day light and read this part of your story it wasn't bad at all infact I enjoyed it very much sorry I couldn't say the same foe your charcther. you really gor her going through some stugg this is a good wrire.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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You are the best my friend
Comment from Tellis
I thought it would be her own car she's dug out and that would be kind of scary. LoL Keep up the excellent work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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I thought it would be her own car she's dug out and that would be kind of scary. LoL Keep up the excellent work.
Tellis
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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so glad you read this
Comment from Readywriter52
Wilma had to abandon her car because it ran out of gas. She has walked for miles without any sign of civilization. If she doesn't reach a town soon she might die. She has found a town, which says "Ghost Town, U.S.A." I hope that's only its name not a description of the town.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Wilma had to abandon her car because it ran out of gas. She has walked for miles without any sign of civilization. If she doesn't reach a town soon she might die. She has found a town, which says "Ghost Town, U.S.A." I hope that's only its name not a description of the town.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you, do I ever surprise you
Comment from samandlancelot
Her mouth was so dry (add comma - independent clauses) and she knew she needed water.
So, she got out, (delete comma) (add 'and') giver (gave) her car a backward look,
directed ahead of her (add comma) and she was covering ground
blouse and blue cotton Capri's (capris) (add comma) and they were soaked
see light of day advancing, (change comma to semicolon) another hour and the
She fell and lay there a second (add comma) then sat up and looked all
Suddenly, South (south - a geographic region is capitalized, but a general direction is not capitalized) of her she saw a light.
She reached down, got a tiny rock, and put it in her mouth to suck on, as she was panting badly in the heat. (I have to assume the rock would give her some moisture, but I don't know. Perhaps instead of why she sucked on the rock, what did she gain by sucking on the rock?)
There was lettering on it but it was too far for her to read. She now had to stop and rest. (She finally has hope that she could be near something that might save her. "She now had to stop and rest." seems out of place. Everything in her should want to make it to that sign. I would expect an intense struggle to take another step. If she must stop here, it seems she should be almost to the point of passing out.)
Then the next paragraph shows her continuing on, without any indication that she rested.
The noise of the desert around her was coming to life in the dawn of the day. (nice descriptive)
It was terror, like the one (unlike anything) she had never (ever) known before.
Wilma went over and brushed some of the sand away to see what it was covering.
It was an old car all rusted and looked as though it had been there for years. (As Wilma brushed the sand away, she uncovered an old rusted car)
Patricia
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Her mouth was so dry (add comma - independent clauses) and she knew she needed water.
So, she got out, (delete comma) (add 'and') giver (gave) her car a backward look,
directed ahead of her (add comma) and she was covering ground
blouse and blue cotton Capri's (capris) (add comma) and they were soaked
see light of day advancing, (change comma to semicolon) another hour and the
She fell and lay there a second (add comma) then sat up and looked all
Suddenly, South (south - a geographic region is capitalized, but a general direction is not capitalized) of her she saw a light.
She reached down, got a tiny rock, and put it in her mouth to suck on, as she was panting badly in the heat. (I have to assume the rock would give her some moisture, but I don't know. Perhaps instead of why she sucked on the rock, what did she gain by sucking on the rock?)
There was lettering on it but it was too far for her to read. She now had to stop and rest. (She finally has hope that she could be near something that might save her. "She now had to stop and rest." seems out of place. Everything in her should want to make it to that sign. I would expect an intense struggle to take another step. If she must stop here, it seems she should be almost to the point of passing out.)
Then the next paragraph shows her continuing on, without any indication that she rested.
The noise of the desert around her was coming to life in the dawn of the day. (nice descriptive)
It was terror, like the one (unlike anything) she had never (ever) known before.
Wilma went over and brushed some of the sand away to see what it was covering.
It was an old car all rusted and looked as though it had been there for years. (As Wilma brushed the sand away, she uncovered an old rusted car)
Patricia
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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bummer, I fixed a lot of these, but not in the first draft, I will get to this soon
