Ghost Town USA
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Sandstorm"A sandy trip in the desert
14 total reviews
Comment from ChrisMcLaughlin
You introduce an intriguing character & put her in a very perilous position. I enjoyed your backstory & description. You set up the story well & push the reader to turn to the next chapter.
I feel that the writing had some punctuation issues & could use a little tightening. Here are my observations:
Her dark hair (,) pulled up into a bun, - needs comma
She had just lost her a few months ago. - drop 'had just'
It was now completely out of gas. - consider removing 'now completely'
She saw no sign of life or even any cars. - consider dropping 'or even any cars' no sign of life is sufficient
It was so strong that she had to brace her feet to keep from being carried away by it. - consider dropping 'by it' - in context the reader understands that it's the wind
they dimly showed a mountain of sand in front of her car. - consider dropping 'car'
She opened the glove box and took out the flashlight that she had put there. - consider dropping 'she had put there' - it's her car, the reader assumes she put it there.
Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more chapters. You've set up what looks to be a great story.
Good luck.
Chris
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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You introduce an intriguing character & put her in a very perilous position. I enjoyed your backstory & description. You set up the story well & push the reader to turn to the next chapter.
I feel that the writing had some punctuation issues & could use a little tightening. Here are my observations:
Her dark hair (,) pulled up into a bun, - needs comma
She had just lost her a few months ago. - drop 'had just'
It was now completely out of gas. - consider removing 'now completely'
She saw no sign of life or even any cars. - consider dropping 'or even any cars' no sign of life is sufficient
It was so strong that she had to brace her feet to keep from being carried away by it. - consider dropping 'by it' - in context the reader understands that it's the wind
they dimly showed a mountain of sand in front of her car. - consider dropping 'car'
She opened the glove box and took out the flashlight that she had put there. - consider dropping 'she had put there' - it's her car, the reader assumes she put it there.
Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more chapters. You've set up what looks to be a great story.
Good luck.
Chris
Comment Written 24-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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thank you somuch for help, I rewrote this with a editors help, but, I am going to review again and change a bit more, thank you
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, here I am again, WierdGrace. I don't know what I read of yours before. I just know I did.
In spite of the few suggestions I make below, I love this chapter! You've built her up psychologically. She has just lost her mother and she is alone in the middle of a desert and she is almost out of gas. (Personally, I think I would ratchet up the suspense element a notch by having her glance apprehensively at the gas gauge by the third paragraph - but that's just me ... I'm not trying to interfere.)
I've indicated below some things you'll want to address:
had come loose hanging in strands down the sides of her face. [You need a comma after "loose".
She opened her door; the heat from the boiling sun reflecting off the desert [At this point, since we have been introduced to how hot it was in the earlier paragraphs, to mention the "boiling sun" is being redundant (In my estimation). Try the sentence without it and see if it isn't just as impactful.
Without thinking she tried to start the car,[Why "without thinking"? Why not "She tried to start the car."?
Again, this is a very good beginning of a novel. You left the reader off at the end of the chapter with enough worries and concerns to take him/her clawing and scratching to get into the second chapter.
Blessings,
Jay
PS, if you want me to re-read after your adjustments just let me know.
js
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Well, here I am again, WierdGrace. I don't know what I read of yours before. I just know I did.
In spite of the few suggestions I make below, I love this chapter! You've built her up psychologically. She has just lost her mother and she is alone in the middle of a desert and she is almost out of gas. (Personally, I think I would ratchet up the suspense element a notch by having her glance apprehensively at the gas gauge by the third paragraph - but that's just me ... I'm not trying to interfere.)
I've indicated below some things you'll want to address:
had come loose hanging in strands down the sides of her face. [You need a comma after "loose".
She opened her door; the heat from the boiling sun reflecting off the desert [At this point, since we have been introduced to how hot it was in the earlier paragraphs, to mention the "boiling sun" is being redundant (In my estimation). Try the sentence without it and see if it isn't just as impactful.
Without thinking she tried to start the car,[Why "without thinking"? Why not "She tried to start the car."?
Again, this is a very good beginning of a novel. You left the reader off at the end of the chapter with enough worries and concerns to take him/her clawing and scratching to get into the second chapter.
Blessings,
Jay
PS, if you want me to re-read after your adjustments just let me know.
js
Comment Written 24-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Its funny, I edited this chapter only, from the advise from a editor, and I have two reviews showing, I need to change some back, well done, thank you I am going back and fix.
Comment from knowledge
This is a nice start of your novel. About halfway through there is a nit in your spacing. I'm enjoying this and will read on.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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This is a nice start of your novel. About halfway through there is a nit in your spacing. I'm enjoying this and will read on.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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I will recheck it and fix. thank you
Comment from Border Reiver
Hi Grace,
I'm very intrigued. I think I'm going to enjoy following this story.
There are a couple of typos here that I've spotted whilst reading:
...mother and her Aunt Clara, who was also alone, have lost her husband years ago, wanted her to... [Could you have meant "having lost her husband years ago"?]
...but unbeknown-st to her...[UNBEKNOWNST- all one words-no hyphen.]
S
he thought [She is split over 2 lines.]
Although the story is great I think it could be refined a little for example you say: Then the car made a couple of noises and stopped, she had run out of gas. Then towards the end you say: Wilma started the car and then it died. No gas at all in the tank, This appears like a fault in the plot as the car has run out of gas twice. Or that Wilma is a bit forgetful. Still, this is a great opening.
Katrina
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Hi Grace,
I'm very intrigued. I think I'm going to enjoy following this story.
There are a couple of typos here that I've spotted whilst reading:
...mother and her Aunt Clara, who was also alone, have lost her husband years ago, wanted her to... [Could you have meant "having lost her husband years ago"?]
...but unbeknown-st to her...[UNBEKNOWNST- all one words-no hyphen.]
S
he thought [She is split over 2 lines.]
Although the story is great I think it could be refined a little for example you say: Then the car made a couple of noises and stopped, she had run out of gas. Then towards the end you say: Wilma started the car and then it died. No gas at all in the tank, This appears like a fault in the plot as the car has run out of gas twice. Or that Wilma is a bit forgetful. Still, this is a great opening.
Katrina
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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I am fixing this story now, hope you keep enjoying this, this chapter I rewrote with help
Comment from Kasey Carroll
Good start on your story. I enjoyed reading it. A few suggestions though.
1) The sentence..."They had corresponded steadily.....have lost her husband...." Change have to had.
2)Spelling error..." unbeknown-st" spelled without the hyphen.
3)the line.. S he thought...take out the space after the S in she doesn't need to be on two separate lines.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Good start on your story. I enjoyed reading it. A few suggestions though.
1) The sentence..."They had corresponded steadily.....have lost her husband...." Change have to had.
2)Spelling error..." unbeknown-st" spelled without the hyphen.
3)the line.. S he thought...take out the space after the S in she doesn't need to be on two separate lines.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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boy I got six's on this and now a four, I better fix all of this, thank you
Comment from rmdelta
Grace,
great start to a new story, my friend. Nothing like a sudden sandstorm to set things in motion, huh? Nice work and I look forward to the next chapter.
Reggie
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Grace,
great start to a new story, my friend. Nothing like a sudden sandstorm to set things in motion, huh? Nice work and I look forward to the next chapter.
Reggie
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank tyou so much
Comment from FredCollingwood
I didn't know which of these to read first. I guess chapter one. I love the beginning of your latest book. Great descriptions and introductions to characters.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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I didn't know which of these to read first. I guess chapter one. I love the beginning of your latest book. Great descriptions and introductions to characters.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you so so much
Comment from adewpearl
That has to be one terrifying thing, to be out in the middle of nowhere, out of gas, caught in a sandstorm - you certainly have set the scene and created a mood that makes a reader eager to see how she is going to get out of this mess. Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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That has to be one terrifying thing, to be out in the middle of nowhere, out of gas, caught in a sandstorm - you certainly have set the scene and created a mood that makes a reader eager to see how she is going to get out of this mess. Brooke
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you so much for the kind words
Comment from Readywriter52
Wilma Thurman decided to visit her Aunt Clara who lived in Nevada. She ends up lost and out of gas. Soon she is forced to walk. Where is her cell phone or is she so far out there is no cell signals.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Wilma Thurman decided to visit her Aunt Clara who lived in Nevada. She ends up lost and out of gas. Soon she is forced to walk. Where is her cell phone or is she so far out there is no cell signals.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you so so much
Comment from Tellis
It sounds like you have the beginnings of another great story here. I can relate to her getting lost like that. LoL
Tellis
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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It sounds like you have the beginnings of another great story here. I can relate to her getting lost like that. LoL
Tellis
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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thank you so so much
