The Marathon
Contest entry for 100 word dash.17 total reviews
Comment from BlueJamme
Hi Eliz,
Now this is a story that hints at a much bigger build up prior to where the action begins - more so than most of the others for this contest that I've read. Was it originally any longer?
If not, it should've been! The racy pace and tight writing suited the format perfectly. Good job.
BlueJamme
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Hi Eliz,
Now this is a story that hints at a much bigger build up prior to where the action begins - more so than most of the others for this contest that I've read. Was it originally any longer?
If not, it should've been! The racy pace and tight writing suited the format perfectly. Good job.
BlueJamme
Comment Written 30-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. No, this was written just for the 100 word dash. Thanks for the stars.
Comment from Marathonwriter
Hi,
You do a good job of capturing the moment here. So, do you run marathons? I ask because I do. Training for my 14th which is in May. An experience I have yet to try to put into words ... someday I will.
The only techinal error I saw was your use of single quotation marks. Single quotation marks are used when there's a quotation inside a quotation. Is your character speaking out loud or are these thoughts? If she's speaking out loud, use double quotation marks. If this is internal dialogue, use italics.
This is just my thought, but I think rewriting this in present tense and maybe first person too would strengthen your story. You want to put the reader in the moment so they feel what your character's feeling, and the only way to experience finishing a marathon is experiencing it first hand. If you write it in first person, it will just be your character's thoughts, no need for dialogue tags.
I'd like to feel more emotion and I know 100 words is quite the challenge, but the trick is only leaving what's absolutely neccessary. I usually cry at the end of the race. Sometimes I'm just happy to be done. My best races, I cry because I know that I gave it everything I had.
I like this sentence: She was moving in slow motion, with a painful stitch in her side. Her right calf was cramped ( (I know this feeling all too well LOL) and she was running on her toes. But I'd rewrite it this way: I move in slow motion, a stitch in my side. My right calf cramps so I run on my toes. And I cut 5 words.
Visual details will help. I'd replace finish line with balloon arch.
I hope you don't mind me rambling on. I couldn't help myself. You combined my two loves. Good luck in the contest. I wish this wasn't blind. I'd love to read this again if you choose to revise. So much potential here. I might just have to write one of my own.
:0)Chris
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Hi,
You do a good job of capturing the moment here. So, do you run marathons? I ask because I do. Training for my 14th which is in May. An experience I have yet to try to put into words ... someday I will.
The only techinal error I saw was your use of single quotation marks. Single quotation marks are used when there's a quotation inside a quotation. Is your character speaking out loud or are these thoughts? If she's speaking out loud, use double quotation marks. If this is internal dialogue, use italics.
This is just my thought, but I think rewriting this in present tense and maybe first person too would strengthen your story. You want to put the reader in the moment so they feel what your character's feeling, and the only way to experience finishing a marathon is experiencing it first hand. If you write it in first person, it will just be your character's thoughts, no need for dialogue tags.
I'd like to feel more emotion and I know 100 words is quite the challenge, but the trick is only leaving what's absolutely neccessary. I usually cry at the end of the race. Sometimes I'm just happy to be done. My best races, I cry because I know that I gave it everything I had.
I like this sentence: She was moving in slow motion, with a painful stitch in her side. Her right calf was cramped ( (I know this feeling all too well LOL) and she was running on her toes. But I'd rewrite it this way: I move in slow motion, a stitch in my side. My right calf cramps so I run on my toes. And I cut 5 words.
Visual details will help. I'd replace finish line with balloon arch.
I hope you don't mind me rambling on. I couldn't help myself. You combined my two loves. Good luck in the contest. I wish this wasn't blind. I'd love to read this again if you choose to revise. So much potential here. I might just have to write one of my own.
:0)Chris
Comment Written 30-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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First, thank you so much for the feedback. I do not run marathons. I thought about first person, but I do not run marathons so I could not pull it off. I know people who do. That is how I could do third person and why the emotion is not quite there. Thanks so much for reviewing and the stars.
Comment from words
Well done.
Loved your ending:
Kate did the last three feet of the race by falling across the finish line.
With her face in the dirt, she pumped her fist. "I made it."
How many times have we all "fallen" across the finish line.
But, we did finish.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Well done.
Loved your ending:
Kate did the last three feet of the race by falling across the finish line.
With her face in the dirt, she pumped her fist. "I made it."
How many times have we all "fallen" across the finish line.
But, we did finish.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thanks for reading and the review. The many stars are welcome.
Comment from BethShelby
The last bit of race takes all you can give and more but sheer determination and the ability to ignore the pain paid off and in the end she won. This story carries the message the presistance pays off.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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The last bit of race takes all you can give and more but sheer determination and the ability to ignore the pain paid off and in the end she won. This story carries the message the presistance pays off.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and the many stars.
Comment from Begin Again
Hurrah!
I couldn't imagine training and running a marathon...My poor knees would give out for sure...not to mention my heart. WEll done!
Carol
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Hurrah!
I couldn't imagine training and running a marathon...My poor knees would give out for sure...not to mention my heart. WEll done!
Carol
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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thanks for reading and the review. i really appreciate the many stars.
Comment from bkrighter
I like your subject--one of my brothers has run more marathons than I have fingers and toes to count them. Not that running a marathon is devoid of challenges, but I might have taken one sentence dealing with what Katie is feeling and instead introduced an element of conflict; perhaps something like this:"Not even Katie's boyfriend had believed she could do it."
Just a thought. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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I like your subject--one of my brothers has run more marathons than I have fingers and toes to count them. Not that running a marathon is devoid of challenges, but I might have taken one sentence dealing with what Katie is feeling and instead introduced an element of conflict; perhaps something like this:"Not even Katie's boyfriend had believed she could do it."
Just a thought. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thanks for the feedback and the review. I also appreciate the many stars.
Comment from MizKat
I think your story is very interesting. It's a great contribution for the hundred word dast contest. I wish you the best in it.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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I think your story is very interesting. It's a great contribution for the hundred word dast contest. I wish you the best in it.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and of course for the many stars.
Comment from FanDan
There were several very interesting contestants here. Yours is an excellent entry, and it almost got my vote. In the end, it was edged by "A Light Switch" but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you for a great 100-word dash.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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There were several very interesting contestants here. Yours is an excellent entry, and it almost got my vote. In the end, it was edged by "A Light Switch" but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you for a great 100-word dash.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. The "A Light Switch" got my vote also.
Comment from wierdgrace
Okay I loved this, it sounded like me running hard just to make it across, your character kate was so real I could see her running, well written, great story for the shor of the contest, good luck, no errors.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Okay I loved this, it sounded like me running hard just to make it across, your character kate was so real I could see her running, well written, great story for the shor of the contest, good luck, no errors.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and for the many stars.
Comment from littlehaven
Good for Kate. a race to the finish. What they always say, no pain, no gain. Hope she had the energy to get home and crawl into a hot bath and soak all the soreness out. I liked it. Thanks
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Good for Kate. a race to the finish. What they always say, no pain, no gain. Hope she had the energy to get home and crawl into a hot bath and soak all the soreness out. I liked it. Thanks
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2010
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
