The Ice Princess
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Mother's Fear"Love, Hate, Conflicts and Fear
37 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
As usual, I'm doing everything backwards. I don't know how I missed this, but I did. I am a fan, but somehow things got messed up. This is wonderful and I love the way you brought in the second chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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As usual, I'm doing everything backwards. I don't know how I missed this, but I did. I am a fan, but somehow things got messed up. This is wonderful and I love the way you brought in the second chapter.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Barbara
Thanks for finding me and deciding to read. I appreciate it.
Carol
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Carol...this is going to be a very intriguing story but I will have to catch up to it when I get back from my trip. In this first chapter you developed your characters well and they seemed life-like to me....well done...blessings....chey
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Hi Carol...this is going to be a very intriguing story but I will have to catch up to it when I get back from my trip. In this first chapter you developed your characters well and they seemed life-like to me....well done...blessings....chey
Comment Written 11-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Chey
Have a safe trip chey. Thanks for reading what you could. I appreciate it. Carol
Comment from BJean
Just checking in to see how your story is coming. Seems like it is going to be interesting. Written very well and I saw no mistakes. Jean
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Just checking in to see how your story is coming. Seems like it is going to be interesting. Written very well and I saw no mistakes. Jean
Comment Written 11-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Jean
Welcome..glad yu stopped by. I have all chapters except the very last one posted. I am pleased that you are reading. Crol
Comment from Somer
Aw i really love it, i think this is the starting of an amazing book, and a lot of people would be interested! Great job, I'll read more :)
Thanks,
Somer
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Aw i really love it, i think this is the starting of an amazing book, and a lot of people would be interested! Great job, I'll read more :)
Thanks,
Somer
Comment Written 11-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2009
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Somer
Because you are not familiar with any of my previous writings, your input is very valuable. You don't know what to expect from my writing and I will learn if the characters and situations come alive for you. Thanks so much for continuing to read. Carol
Comment from allinmyhead
You've done a good job establishing the relationship between Hanna and Reilly, and in setting the tone for this busy, professional, single Mom. Nice balance between her being wedded to her career and in love with her daughter.
The last paragraph was well done and is a great lead-in to a next chapter.
I am uncomfortable offering any criticism since this piece has already received an All Time Best, so I may be completely off-the-mark here, but...
Love the inclusion of Spanish, but have never heard a Spanish speaker used the words ain't or frettin. This dialect just sounds more southern WASP than Hispanic. The dialogue used in the initial introduction of Hanna works, but after that she comes across more old-time southern or 'cowboy southwestern' than someone of Spanish/Mexican heritage.
The only other odd spot for me was the line, "...until he is apprehended." Would the police make the assumption that the perpetrator was male?
Other than these minor points, you have a very interesting story started here.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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You've done a good job establishing the relationship between Hanna and Reilly, and in setting the tone for this busy, professional, single Mom. Nice balance between her being wedded to her career and in love with her daughter.
The last paragraph was well done and is a great lead-in to a next chapter.
I am uncomfortable offering any criticism since this piece has already received an All Time Best, so I may be completely off-the-mark here, but...
Love the inclusion of Spanish, but have never heard a Spanish speaker used the words ain't or frettin. This dialect just sounds more southern WASP than Hispanic. The dialogue used in the initial introduction of Hanna works, but after that she comes across more old-time southern or 'cowboy southwestern' than someone of Spanish/Mexican heritage.
The only other odd spot for me was the line, "...until he is apprehended." Would the police make the assumption that the perpetrator was male?
Other than these minor points, you have a very interesting story started here.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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Allinmyhead
I greatly appreciate your incite concerning my story. I definitely will take the suggestions into consideration and see what I can possibly correct. Please do not stop from offering your suggestions regardless of how many people have read the story. Fresh eyes on a story is always helpful. I have posted through chapter 6 and hope that you will continue to read. Thank you.
Carol
Comment from redglasses
Okay. I'm impressed. The way you set up for the next chapter is very good. I'm not looking for grammar or spelling, although I didn't notice any. Just the fact that I'm interested in continuing is positive. It sounds professional to me. The circumstances are believable, and I like the fact that you've introduced us to Reilly, Macy & Hanna in the first chapter and you've set us up for Max.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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Okay. I'm impressed. The way you set up for the next chapter is very good. I'm not looking for grammar or spelling, although I didn't notice any. Just the fact that I'm interested in continuing is positive. It sounds professional to me. The circumstances are believable, and I like the fact that you've introduced us to Reilly, Macy & Hanna in the first chapter and you've set us up for Max.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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Redglasses
I'm not necessarily looking for grammar ...I like the way you write so I'm trying to get your viewpoint on the storyline.
I appreciate your help. I have posted through 6 and must stay within 10,000 words which is killing me.
Thanks for your help.
Carol
Comment from anabellapongasi
I enjoyed reading this story. It really held my attention and I can't wait to read more. Since this is the first chapter I'm still getting to know the characters which you have pictured quite effectively. The dialogue is good, the story flows smoothly. Off to a very good start.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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I enjoyed reading this story. It really held my attention and I can't wait to read more. Since this is the first chapter I'm still getting to know the characters which you have pictured quite effectively. The dialogue is good, the story flows smoothly. Off to a very good start.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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Anabella
Thank you for starting to read my story. I look forward to your comments. You will find chapters 2-3-4-5-6 posted for your enjoyment I hope. Thanks again CArol
Comment from Queenise
Great story with good pace and flow. Clear and easily to be understood. Love the characters and the true to life feel of this. Story makes you want to read more and is very entertaining. Would recommend to others. Blessings. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Queenise
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Great story with good pace and flow. Clear and easily to be understood. Love the characters and the true to life feel of this. Story makes you want to read more and is very entertaining. Would recommend to others. Blessings. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Queenise
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Queenise
Thanks so much for reading my story. I appreciate you taking the time. I have posted 5 chapters so far. Thanks for the review. Carol
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You're welcome friend. Will read some more. Blessings. Queenise
Comment from Jnetgame
This is a great chapter with an interesting storyline. I didn't notice any SPAG (and I looked for it :). Nothing to change. Keep up the great work.
Jenny
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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This is a great chapter with an interesting storyline. I didn't notice any SPAG (and I looked for it :). Nothing to change. Keep up the great work.
Jenny
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Jenny
Thanks so much for the kind review. I hope you continue to read because I can use all the encouragement I can get. I have posted 2-3-4-and 5. Appreciate the help!
Carol
Comment from DrCarter2001
I love the characters you created in this story. Reilly being short and female, standing up to tall men in the courtroom, and making her more cutthroat as a result--very ingenius. I really don't see any errors with this chapter and I'm intrigued. If anything, though, I think you provide a little too much backstory here, especially in the last paragraph. It's a bit of information overload, and it would be more artful if you weaved this information into the story, through dialogue or, if needed, flashback, rather than straight narrative. That would be the one thing that would turn this great story into a fantastic story.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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I love the characters you created in this story. Reilly being short and female, standing up to tall men in the courtroom, and making her more cutthroat as a result--very ingenius. I really don't see any errors with this chapter and I'm intrigued. If anything, though, I think you provide a little too much backstory here, especially in the last paragraph. It's a bit of information overload, and it would be more artful if you weaved this information into the story, through dialogue or, if needed, flashback, rather than straight narrative. That would be the one thing that would turn this great story into a fantastic story.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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DrCarter
My only problem is that I am limited to 10,000 words to put the whole story in so it is very difficult to space out information through out the book. It has to be compact and fast moving. Thanks for the generous review. I hope you continue reading. I have 5 chapters posted...
Thanks again. Carol
