This Feeling All Over Again
How do you feel when your hearts been broke before6 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
There's good insight to this poem. However, in the part of the review that involves copy editing, there are far too many commas that break up the flow of the poem. The fifth line is a good case in point. Read it aloud, if you would be so kind. Do you hear a break where the comma is? The same is the case with the seventh line. This jarring quality is the reason for the three stars. I could simply not read the poem as an integrated whole. I felt I was reading bits and pieces, rather than a whole work. You do a good job of working in seven of the eight words (you omit "hate" or I can't find it.) If you decide to smooth out the flow, I would be happy to take another look.
Second Review:
Although I think the second line needs a comma at the end, the poem has been revised enough to raise the rating.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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There's good insight to this poem. However, in the part of the review that involves copy editing, there are far too many commas that break up the flow of the poem. The fifth line is a good case in point. Read it aloud, if you would be so kind. Do you hear a break where the comma is? The same is the case with the seventh line. This jarring quality is the reason for the three stars. I could simply not read the poem as an integrated whole. I felt I was reading bits and pieces, rather than a whole work. You do a good job of working in seven of the eight words (you omit "hate" or I can't find it.) If you decide to smooth out the flow, I would be happy to take another look.
Second Review:
Although I think the second line needs a comma at the end, the poem has been revised enough to raise the rating.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Thank you for your review, I did go back and re-work the poem taking out some of the commas. If you care to re-read it you can.
As far as the word "hate" goes it is the second word in the poem. Take care
Larry
Comment from PUPA
Hi Larry,
I know that feeling very well, especially asking if that is the Lord's will or if we try to fool ourselves believing so, because we want it so! Your words come very smooth, no force to use the words, they are well disguised.
I enjoyed reading this poem very much. I would only make spaces after commas, only a suggestion.
Good luck.
Love
Pupa
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Hi Larry,
I know that feeling very well, especially asking if that is the Lord's will or if we try to fool ourselves believing so, because we want it so! Your words come very smooth, no force to use the words, they are well disguised.
I enjoyed reading this poem very much. I would only make spaces after commas, only a suggestion.
Good luck.
Love
Pupa
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate that very much. Take care and have a great day.
Larry
Comment from pilarblue
Hi there again, Larry. This is yet another outstanding piece authored by you that I have read and enjoyed very much. Great work. :)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Hi there again, Larry. This is yet another outstanding piece authored by you that I have read and enjoyed very much. Great work. :)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Thank you so very much, again for your kind words, I am glad you like my work, take care and have a great day.
Larry
Comment from rama devi
Simple. Sincere and nicely rhymed. Flow is good overall.
Punctuation, again, needs some tweaking
I hate the way you look at me (COMMA)
feelings so sure of love (DASH)
I don't want to believe again
that they come from the Lord above (PERIOD)
My heart's been broke(BROKEN), too many times;
do I sell myself once more. (NO PERIOD)
To (to)a feeling that, you are the one
that stands upon my floor. (Question mark)
It may be wrong, even worse, a trap
to give in to this love (SEMICOLON)
but I must confess, within my dreams
it's you that I dream of.
Sing no more, or shout it high?
(For)for now we will see
if the words that I write tonight
hold truth to this sanity.
The flow is good until the last stanza, which seems a bit choppy to me.
Suggestion
Sing no more, or shout it high?
For now we will see
if these words I write
hold truth to this sanity.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Simple. Sincere and nicely rhymed. Flow is good overall.
Punctuation, again, needs some tweaking
I hate the way you look at me (COMMA)
feelings so sure of love (DASH)
I don't want to believe again
that they come from the Lord above (PERIOD)
My heart's been broke(BROKEN), too many times;
do I sell myself once more. (NO PERIOD)
To (to)a feeling that, you are the one
that stands upon my floor. (Question mark)
It may be wrong, even worse, a trap
to give in to this love (SEMICOLON)
but I must confess, within my dreams
it's you that I dream of.
Sing no more, or shout it high?
(For)for now we will see
if the words that I write tonight
hold truth to this sanity.
The flow is good until the last stanza, which seems a bit choppy to me.
Suggestion
Sing no more, or shout it high?
For now we will see
if these words I write
hold truth to this sanity.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Well good morning, I assume it is since the last time I head from you was just before you went to sleep, I hope you rested well.
I may have to hire you as my proof reader :-) won't be long you will see one of my titles and say to yourself, "Well wonder what punctuation I will have to correct this time."
Of course maybe one of these days I will surprise you and get it right, then I might get 5 stars out of you. LOL.
As mentioned before my week spot is my punctuation, I really need to improve on that.
I may write you soon on what we talked about last night, thanks again for all the help.
Larry
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Incidentally, I do have clients as a free lance editor. If seriously interested in that, then you can message me! Will write soon...have to run for work...
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Well I am afraid if I keep this up I may need one, that is pretty bad to say I guess.
I guess I just need to know what your rates are. If we do work something out, for now it will be the little stuff like the poetry. and if I delve into some short story work.
Might be a chance if I can afford it, I might let you take al ook at the novel I mentioned just so we can get it all proof read for puncuation and grammer. Anyway we can talk more later, thanks for everything, take care and have a great day.
Comment from becky7777
you are so right with your words. it is hard to trust again after being hurt. great poem. good luck in the contest.
Becky
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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you are so right with your words. it is hard to trust again after being hurt. great poem. good luck in the contest.
Becky
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your words. I think it is a poem that some can relate to. Maybe after the contest I will work on another one, where I am not restrictive tohaving to use certain words. Take care.
Larry
Comment from Nightwind1
You touched upon the fear that so many have experienced after having been hurt before. It was a good poem.
My heart's been broke, to(too) many times
its (it's)you that I dream of.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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You touched upon the fear that so many have experienced after having been hurt before. It was a good poem.
My heart's been broke, to(too) many times
its (it's)you that I dream of.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2009
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Thank you for the minor corrections, I already made them after I read your review. Take care and have a great day.
Larry