I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Love and Laughter"A collection of crowns of sonnets
56 total reviews
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
This is a very remarkable endeavor. You have created a very professional and polished piece. My favorite verse is:
It draws the eye with flair as bold as gold,
The hottest living flame I've ever seen,
As if a fire burned in winter?s cold,
A homely hearth that warms where you have been.
A lovely work....good luck in the contest. Hugs and smiles, Susanne
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2009
  |
This is a very remarkable endeavor. You have created a very professional and polished piece. My favorite verse is:
It draws the eye with flair as bold as gold,
The hottest living flame I've ever seen,
As if a fire burned in winter?s cold,
A homely hearth that warms where you have been.
A lovely work....good luck in the contest. Hugs and smiles, Susanne
Comment Written 27-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2009
-
Thankyou Susanne. This took soooooooo long to complete, but it was a project well worth seeing through, and though I seem to have been trounced in the contest, I don't regret the experience for a moment :-)
Mike
Comment from wolfie55
In general, you have hit all of the important skeletal needs for the project: to wit, the numbers of lines per poem, etc.
in the first crown I would like to take you through it poem by poem to discuss areas for possible improvement.
Poem 1: 'insight'has an accent on the first syllable, and therefore cannot stand in a line of poetry where it has been located; 'pure perspicacity': the entire line needs to be reworked -- I'm not sure that 'pure'goes with 'perspicacity', since that particular word already incorporates the idea of purity of perception 'each every...' you might have tried 'each several...' the collocation of each with every is not particularly good; 'sect';
Poem 2: 'reddy' -- unnecessary to create a new word when you have both 'ruddy' & 'reddish'
Poem 3: 'most beautiful... begun' does not scan -- you might try 'the sound most beautiful since time's begun', where the ['s] stands for 'was'; 'distain' for 'disdain'; 'hyps' -- meaning?; 'giggles' is perhaps not fitting with most of your other word choices; '
Poeem 4: hummingbirds don't have anything to do with hives; maybe do something with bees instead; "fear and shy" really don't go together, because you have paralleled a noun with an adjective: try 'my fear and shyness all are put to bed.' Insight' accent is on the first syllable not the second, and therefore does not fit in the line properly.
Poem 5: 'caress erotic... core' -- I don't quite understand this line; 'the trysting covers... storm' even though it scans, it really doesn't work;
Poem 6: 'vibrations' the accent is on [bra] syllable, and therefore this line does not scan properly; 'duet' has the accent on the second syllable, and therefore this line does not scan properly -- might work as 'Duet of our heart beats and of our minds'
Poem 7: your best individual poem by far; the quatrain that begins 'your love...' easily primarily because of diction/word choice, of in particular 'weakens';
once again, I believe that you have a basic conceptual sense of organization that stands you in good stead. To become more fluent with the with the scansion, I strongly suggest that you read Shakespeare's sonnets, Edna St. Vincent Millay's Sonnets -- in short, has much iambic pentameter, trimeter etc. that you can manage -- read it out loud -- if there seem to be too many syllables in a line, look out for elisions. Also, look up the word enjambment and see what you can do about using this device in your writing. One of the reasons that the seventh is so good is that you utilize the device here.
Keep writing
wolfie55
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2009
|
In general, you have hit all of the important skeletal needs for the project: to wit, the numbers of lines per poem, etc.
in the first crown I would like to take you through it poem by poem to discuss areas for possible improvement.
Poem 1: 'insight'has an accent on the first syllable, and therefore cannot stand in a line of poetry where it has been located; 'pure perspicacity': the entire line needs to be reworked -- I'm not sure that 'pure'goes with 'perspicacity', since that particular word already incorporates the idea of purity of perception 'each every...' you might have tried 'each several...' the collocation of each with every is not particularly good; 'sect';
Poem 2: 'reddy' -- unnecessary to create a new word when you have both 'ruddy' & 'reddish'
Poem 3: 'most beautiful... begun' does not scan -- you might try 'the sound most beautiful since time's begun', where the ['s] stands for 'was'; 'distain' for 'disdain'; 'hyps' -- meaning?; 'giggles' is perhaps not fitting with most of your other word choices; '
Poeem 4: hummingbirds don't have anything to do with hives; maybe do something with bees instead; "fear and shy" really don't go together, because you have paralleled a noun with an adjective: try 'my fear and shyness all are put to bed.' Insight' accent is on the first syllable not the second, and therefore does not fit in the line properly.
Poem 5: 'caress erotic... core' -- I don't quite understand this line; 'the trysting covers... storm' even though it scans, it really doesn't work;
Poem 6: 'vibrations' the accent is on [bra] syllable, and therefore this line does not scan properly; 'duet' has the accent on the second syllable, and therefore this line does not scan properly -- might work as 'Duet of our heart beats and of our minds'
Poem 7: your best individual poem by far; the quatrain that begins 'your love...' easily primarily because of diction/word choice, of in particular 'weakens';
once again, I believe that you have a basic conceptual sense of organization that stands you in good stead. To become more fluent with the with the scansion, I strongly suggest that you read Shakespeare's sonnets, Edna St. Vincent Millay's Sonnets -- in short, has much iambic pentameter, trimeter etc. that you can manage -- read it out loud -- if there seem to be too many syllables in a line, look out for elisions. Also, look up the word enjambment and see what you can do about using this device in your writing. One of the reasons that the seventh is so good is that you utilize the device here.
Keep writing
wolfie55
Comment Written 25-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2009
-
Wow, thankyou Wolfie for taking the time and interest to go through my effort so thoroughly. It took a good few days of my life up, that's for sure! I will certainly look back over it with your comments and thoughts in mind, although as a rule if my words and the form don't fit, and I like the words, then the form loses out :-). Of course, for contest entries, I like to get everything right, so I'll be doing some more editing I think.
Once again, thankyou kindly for the detailed review.
Mike
-
You are more than welcome.
wolfie55
Comment from Karen B.
Mike, I am totally in awe at your accomplishment here. It's so beautifully written and must have been very difficult to do. Amazing. Good luck in the contest! Karen
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2009
|
Mike, I am totally in awe at your accomplishment here. It's so beautifully written and must have been very difficult to do. Amazing. Good luck in the contest! Karen
Comment Written 19-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2009
-
Thankyou Karen. It took me an age, and I questioned my sanity more than once, but I don't regret doing it for a second! Whether I place highly or not, this is the most rewarding thing I've done since I started on the site.
Mike
Comment from babylonia
mike,
i think you did it. LOL like i would know. seriously, i remember the other draft. this reads quite smoothly now. this is not just a simple five minute poem. i commend you on it. easy to read grammatically. no spaggies do i see. stanzas are well written. smooth rhyme and flow. definitely a great entry. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
|
mike,
i think you did it. LOL like i would know. seriously, i remember the other draft. this reads quite smoothly now. this is not just a simple five minute poem. i commend you on it. easy to read grammatically. no spaggies do i see. stanzas are well written. smooth rhyme and flow. definitely a great entry. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 13-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou Barbara :-) These went through an awful lot of change, correction, and fiddling before I felt ready to release them, but I'm pretty much happy with how they've turned out. I am a little disappointed that my sins-based one never came together, but I haven;t totally given up on it yet.
Generally, it's just great that people are reading and enjoying my work; that's the best compliment I can hope for :-)
Mike
-
mike,
i know exactly what you mean. i used to think i couldn't let people read my work unless it was published. now i am glad people are reading, published or not. i no longer have that fear that if i died no one would know i could write. pretty great feeling.
these sonnets or epic poems do take a lot of work. my hat goes off to you and all the others who do them so well.
love,
barbara
Comment from Jendowoz
Wow such a lot of work has gone into this. I am most impressed Mike. Both acts are interesting and so well written. The words bounce like music in the way you've rhymed them. I always read poems aloud and these words flow well. Very well done.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
 |
Wow such a lot of work has gone into this. I am most impressed Mike. Both acts are interesting and so well written. The words bounce like music in the way you've rhymed them. I always read poems aloud and these words flow well. Very well done.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou so much for the encouraging review and fantastic rating Jendowoz! It's great how many people have enjoyed reading this, and it makes all the fiddling and head-shaking that went into it worthwhile :-)
Mike
Comment from WonderingWanderr
I would have to say I think I'm in "love" with the focus of the first poem. You do a great job of inspiring with your words, including inspiring me to use my dictionary. I am thankful for your thought-provoking prose. these two acts are nearly a chapbook in and of themselves. You are able to communicate your passion very clearly.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
|
I would have to say I think I'm in "love" with the focus of the first poem. You do a great job of inspiring with your words, including inspiring me to use my dictionary. I am thankful for your thought-provoking prose. these two acts are nearly a chapbook in and of themselves. You are able to communicate your passion very clearly.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou WW :-). I do have a bit of a thing for trying to use rare and unusual words, as long as I think they fit anyway! I'm so glad you enjoyed taking the journey with me :-)
Mike
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written with a good rhyming scheme that makes for a very smooth read. It has excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
|
Very well written with a good rhyming scheme that makes for a very smooth read. It has excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou so much for the positive review :-). It's great how many people have read and enjoyed this one.
Mike
-
You're welcome, Mike. Merry Christmas.
Comment from Susan E. Pennycuff
whew... I am so thankful for the authors notes as I was beginning to think I was dense or something... lmbo
I can see how you were torn between the two when it came to which to enter into the contest, they are both contenders in their own right. I can't see how anyone would not get to the authors notes once they began to read for this was one exceptional read from top to bottom.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
|
whew... I am so thankful for the authors notes as I was beginning to think I was dense or something... lmbo
I can see how you were torn between the two when it came to which to enter into the contest, they are both contenders in their own right. I can't see how anyone would not get to the authors notes once they began to read for this was one exceptional read from top to bottom.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou Susan :-). I'm never sure about posting author's notes as I like to let the words speak for themselves, but in this case I felt there were some things that needed explaining! I'm so glad you enjoyed taking the journey with me :-)
Mike
Comment from Oatmeal
Fleedleflump,
This poem made for a nice read. All things are moving effectively, nice and full of flashy impressions, well expressed.
I did spot some SPAG. Send me a private message when the corrections have been made and I will be back to restore your stars.
Each night **away in dreams** your vision flies.
**a comma goes in both spots
Each **(every) time across the room, eyes met,
**I feel that you should either delete the word every or
**add the word "and here
The sentence as is makes no sense at all
Directed by a genius (out of sight).
**out-of-sight
I?m showered **in the sun** by your insight,
**a comma goes in each spot
So giving as my fingers find your (warm),
**warmth
Soft as(,) legs twined, our bodies do demand
**delete this comma
Everything else looked wonderful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
|
Fleedleflump,
This poem made for a nice read. All things are moving effectively, nice and full of flashy impressions, well expressed.
I did spot some SPAG. Send me a private message when the corrections have been made and I will be back to restore your stars.
Each night **away in dreams** your vision flies.
**a comma goes in both spots
Each **(every) time across the room, eyes met,
**I feel that you should either delete the word every or
**add the word "and here
The sentence as is makes no sense at all
Directed by a genius (out of sight).
**out-of-sight
I?m showered **in the sun** by your insight,
**a comma goes in each spot
So giving as my fingers find your (warm),
**warmth
Soft as(,) legs twined, our bodies do demand
**delete this comma
Everything else looked wonderful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
Comment from okboyz
This was indeed a long, but enjoyable read. The first romantic section pulled me in to the authors mind and made me see and feel this part of his life. It certainly made me feel that he is a true romantic at heart. The second part, I enjoyed because it showed life's twists of fate do not have to be succumbed to if you are prepared to do something about the circumstances you are given by fate. It is a romantic fantasy adventure that enlightens the reader to the fact that life has its ups and downs, its love and adventure and it can all turn into a happy humorous outcome. Most enjoyable.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
|
This was indeed a long, but enjoyable read. The first romantic section pulled me in to the authors mind and made me see and feel this part of his life. It certainly made me feel that he is a true romantic at heart. The second part, I enjoyed because it showed life's twists of fate do not have to be succumbed to if you are prepared to do something about the circumstances you are given by fate. It is a romantic fantasy adventure that enlightens the reader to the fact that life has its ups and downs, its love and adventure and it can all turn into a happy humorous outcome. Most enjoyable.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2008
-
Thankyou so much for such a positive review okboyz :-). It's heartening that somebody has taken the time not only to read all the way through, but also to read into my poem, and see some of the thoughts and meanings behind it.
Most of all, I am glad you enjoyed reading it, as that is why I write!
Mike
