Come As You Are
A loving friend. Under 1300 words18 total reviews
Comment from blubobsmom
This was a lovely piece. The dialogue was believable, and I could picture this situation happening. You've presented something that is controversial, yet the characters behaved maturely. I know this doesn't always happen in today's world, but I liked what I saw here.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2008
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This was a lovely piece. The dialogue was believable, and I could picture this situation happening. You've presented something that is controversial, yet the characters behaved maturely. I know this doesn't always happen in today's world, but I liked what I saw here.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2008
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thank you for the encouraging words, the warm review and the generous stars
Comment from ThyLordDracula
a very well written story - acceptance was, is and always will be God's way - it is human's who have a problem with it - a great job teaching about God's way without preaching - he hates the sin but loves the sinner is exactly right - respectfully ^v^
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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a very well written story - acceptance was, is and always will be God's way - it is human's who have a problem with it - a great job teaching about God's way without preaching - he hates the sin but loves the sinner is exactly right - respectfully ^v^
Comment Written 09-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, darlin'. Glad you enjoyed.
Comment from Valuecreative
Very well written and enjoyable story. The characters were believable and I valued your effort to present this as supportive to gays. As a story it gets a 5 with no reservations.
The place I balk, and this is from a straight person, is the sense that you, assuming it is you, in the story are happy with being accepted, but still being referred to as a sinner. And that there is the assumption that you would change when you feel Gods love sort of thing, but that even if you don't you will be accepted, sinner though you may be. I don't think being gay automatically makes you a sinner, and I don't think most gays could change because they think it would be right to do so. There are those who are gay for some reason related to upbring and therefore changeable and there are those who are gay cause that is how they were wired coming in. Assuming we are made by out creator, those people were made that way by no fault of decision of their own, any more than that they have blue eyes, or blond hair or no hair. If the character understood that the church and friend were still not really being fully accepting, but accepting something they really didn't approve of but were open to acceptance, it would feel more true and would understand feeling supported but still being not right in their eyes really.
You do know how to write a story though...for sure.
Valuecreative
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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Very well written and enjoyable story. The characters were believable and I valued your effort to present this as supportive to gays. As a story it gets a 5 with no reservations.
The place I balk, and this is from a straight person, is the sense that you, assuming it is you, in the story are happy with being accepted, but still being referred to as a sinner. And that there is the assumption that you would change when you feel Gods love sort of thing, but that even if you don't you will be accepted, sinner though you may be. I don't think being gay automatically makes you a sinner, and I don't think most gays could change because they think it would be right to do so. There are those who are gay for some reason related to upbring and therefore changeable and there are those who are gay cause that is how they were wired coming in. Assuming we are made by out creator, those people were made that way by no fault of decision of their own, any more than that they have blue eyes, or blond hair or no hair. If the character understood that the church and friend were still not really being fully accepting, but accepting something they really didn't approve of but were open to acceptance, it would feel more true and would understand feeling supported but still being not right in their eyes really.
You do know how to write a story though...for sure.
Valuecreative
Comment Written 09-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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Thank you for your honesty and for your kind words. I'm glad my piece gave you food for thought. God loves the sinner--and we are all sinners, no matter what we do--and hates the sin. When His love comes in, it naturally triggers a desire to please him and change comes about. I think my position regarding homosexuality is clear in the story.
Comment from LyndaLu
This is the most wonderful "fiction" I have read in quite a long time, and I was impressed with the simplicity yet eloquence of the words in your "message". Just like Ian, I, too, had my life changed forever by simply attending a church with an acquaintance. I found not only God's warmth, love, and compassion inside the walls of that church, I found myself.
Please write more...it's quite obvious God has blessed you with a gift of the ability to reach others through your written word.
Great job, and keep up the good work. I pray for those suffering to search out a church just like yours! AND MINE!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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This is the most wonderful "fiction" I have read in quite a long time, and I was impressed with the simplicity yet eloquence of the words in your "message". Just like Ian, I, too, had my life changed forever by simply attending a church with an acquaintance. I found not only God's warmth, love, and compassion inside the walls of that church, I found myself.
Please write more...it's quite obvious God has blessed you with a gift of the ability to reach others through your written word.
Great job, and keep up the good work. I pray for those suffering to search out a church just like yours! AND MINE!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2008
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Thank you for your kind words, lynda. I'm so glad you have a church like mine.
Comment from lawriemac
This is a wonderful story which I thoroughly enjoyed reading.
It leaves a message of understanding.
I can actually visualize the look on Ian's face when Pastor Mark retorted he was a recovering alcoholic. I thought that was a bit of genius on your part.
A lovely story with a lovely message
God Bless you and Best wishes
Lawrie
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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This is a wonderful story which I thoroughly enjoyed reading.
It leaves a message of understanding.
I can actually visualize the look on Ian's face when Pastor Mark retorted he was a recovering alcoholic. I thought that was a bit of genius on your part.
A lovely story with a lovely message
God Bless you and Best wishes
Lawrie
Comment Written 08-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, lawrie. Your review gave me a thrill.
Comment from wirenut
redrider6612,
well done story of human acceptance, i find it interesting that, like many others, when faced with pure acceptance their first question is "what's the catch?" after many disappointments, people are not quick to trust. Pity!
either no spag or i got so involved i didnt see it... you decide...
rick
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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redrider6612,
well done story of human acceptance, i find it interesting that, like many others, when faced with pure acceptance their first question is "what's the catch?" after many disappointments, people are not quick to trust. Pity!
either no spag or i got so involved i didnt see it... you decide...
rick
Comment Written 08-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thanks so much, rick. I'm glad you enjoyed.
Comment from BarnCat
Hey red -- this is another well constructed story. Your ease with dialog and character development is a pleasure to read. I know you write narrative well, and here you have wisely chosen to let the characters tell their story. Interesting storyline, timely and told without bias. Well done. D
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Hey red -- this is another well constructed story. Your ease with dialog and character development is a pleasure to read. I know you write narrative well, and here you have wisely chosen to let the characters tell their story. Interesting storyline, timely and told without bias. Well done. D
Comment Written 08-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thank you, barncat, I appreciate the wonderful review.
Comment from Buctar
Red:
I enjoyed the read. It is well written and has a great message.
I have a couple of comments/recommendations. See if it works for you.
The first thing I noticed was that you start out with Kristy's point of view (POV) and then switch into Ian's POV. Later you switch back to hers agai and then to his againn. You should try to stay with a single POV. [There is an unwritten rule that point of view should never shift, or if you are changing from one character ?s perception of events to another?s that it must be done carefully, or you will confuse the reader.? Page 60 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman)
Suddenly overwhelmed with uncertainty (Suddenly is one of those words to be avoided. It add nothing to the sentence. My editor threatened to break my fingers if I used it with anything except something like lightning. (?There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text.? Page 228 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided]
?I do?that?s why I?m here. (Ellipses internal to a sentence should have a space before and after them. [?The ellipsis, which consists of three periods with a space before and after each is used in the middle of a sentence of dialogue to indicate halting speech, as if the character were unsure of himself or striving to say precisely the right thing or at the end of dialogue to indicate a voice trailing off.? Page 73 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
played the opening stanza of ?East to West?. (East to West should be in italics--not quotation marks. [Titles of separate publications?such as books, bulletins, magazines, newspapers, musical works?are italicized when mentioned in writing. Harbrace College Handbook])
?Redeemer?. (Same. If you elect to use the quotation marks, the period always goes inside quotation marks.)
?That was really great,? Ian said SINCERELY. (Adverbs throw a sentence into "telling.' They should be avoided unless they are necessary. The main thing to remember about adverbs and adjectives is that if they aren?t important to the scene or story, don?t include them. Page 93 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough)
Ian accepted the handshake, suddenly unaccountably nervous. (Suddenly--same as above.)
Ian searched his memory. He had met so many people?(.) (Ellipses ending a sentence should also include the closing punctuation. In this case, you need another dot. [When you use an ellipse at the end of a sentence of dialogue to indicate a voice trailing off, follow it with the appropriate end punctuation, usually a period or question mark {four periods instead of three} Page 74 Page 73 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
?Wrong. We welcome everyone THAT comes to our church (Recommend WHO instead of THAT)
I hope this helps. I enjoyed the read.
Bill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Red:
I enjoyed the read. It is well written and has a great message.
I have a couple of comments/recommendations. See if it works for you.
The first thing I noticed was that you start out with Kristy's point of view (POV) and then switch into Ian's POV. Later you switch back to hers agai and then to his againn. You should try to stay with a single POV. [There is an unwritten rule that point of view should never shift, or if you are changing from one character ?s perception of events to another?s that it must be done carefully, or you will confuse the reader.? Page 60 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman)
Suddenly overwhelmed with uncertainty (Suddenly is one of those words to be avoided. It add nothing to the sentence. My editor threatened to break my fingers if I used it with anything except something like lightning. (?There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text.? Page 228 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided]
?I do?that?s why I?m here. (Ellipses internal to a sentence should have a space before and after them. [?The ellipsis, which consists of three periods with a space before and after each is used in the middle of a sentence of dialogue to indicate halting speech, as if the character were unsure of himself or striving to say precisely the right thing or at the end of dialogue to indicate a voice trailing off.? Page 73 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
played the opening stanza of ?East to West?. (East to West should be in italics--not quotation marks. [Titles of separate publications?such as books, bulletins, magazines, newspapers, musical works?are italicized when mentioned in writing. Harbrace College Handbook])
?Redeemer?. (Same. If you elect to use the quotation marks, the period always goes inside quotation marks.)
?That was really great,? Ian said SINCERELY. (Adverbs throw a sentence into "telling.' They should be avoided unless they are necessary. The main thing to remember about adverbs and adjectives is that if they aren?t important to the scene or story, don?t include them. Page 93 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough)
Ian accepted the handshake, suddenly unaccountably nervous. (Suddenly--same as above.)
Ian searched his memory. He had met so many people?(.) (Ellipses ending a sentence should also include the closing punctuation. In this case, you need another dot. [When you use an ellipse at the end of a sentence of dialogue to indicate a voice trailing off, follow it with the appropriate end punctuation, usually a period or question mark {four periods instead of three} Page 74 Page 73 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
?Wrong. We welcome everyone THAT comes to our church (Recommend WHO instead of THAT)
I hope this helps. I enjoyed the read.
Bill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much for the comprehensive, helpful review. I have printed it and will go over the piece this evening. It's reviewers like you that make being a member here a great learning experieence.
Comment from ledford
My church is very similar. It follows the Willow Creek philosophy of "Come As You Are" and "No Perfect People Allowed". I love it:-)
You did a great job with this story:-)
"brought up short at the sight of her neighbor, Ian, standing there with his hand raised to knock." ... this didn't flow well off the first part of the sentance, IMO. I recommend putting it in another sentance
[fairly] humming with excitement ... I recommend omitting [ ]
?If we started barring sinners from our church, we wouldn?t have anybody but hypocrites, now would we?? ... great line!!!
Kristy turned the radio [on low] to a contemporary Christian station. ... I recommend omitting [ ]. It makes it a little awkward
Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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My church is very similar. It follows the Willow Creek philosophy of "Come As You Are" and "No Perfect People Allowed". I love it:-)
You did a great job with this story:-)
"brought up short at the sight of her neighbor, Ian, standing there with his hand raised to knock." ... this didn't flow well off the first part of the sentance, IMO. I recommend putting it in another sentance
[fairly] humming with excitement ... I recommend omitting [ ]
?If we started barring sinners from our church, we wouldn?t have anybody but hypocrites, now would we?? ... great line!!!
Kristy turned the radio [on low] to a contemporary Christian station. ... I recommend omitting [ ]. It makes it a little awkward
Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thanks so much, ledford, I'm glad you liked it. I will take a look at those nits when I have time later.
Comment from Rajasir
?I do care about you. You are always in my prayers. I hope you will come to church with me again, but I?m not going to pressure you. Just know that you?re always welcome to join me on Sundays.?
These are the most convincing lines to me, my friend. Yes, you are right that the people who harbor doubts in their minds are ignorant because they believe that if a thing is unseen, it does not exist at all.
Faith can change the course of the rivers , my friend. There are many historical examples which show that how man had conquered even the worst of the obstacles through faith only.
I admire your creativity, as to the writing of this fictionalization.
Bless you
Rajasir
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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?I do care about you. You are always in my prayers. I hope you will come to church with me again, but I?m not going to pressure you. Just know that you?re always welcome to join me on Sundays.?
These are the most convincing lines to me, my friend. Yes, you are right that the people who harbor doubts in their minds are ignorant because they believe that if a thing is unseen, it does not exist at all.
Faith can change the course of the rivers , my friend. There are many historical examples which show that how man had conquered even the worst of the obstacles through faith only.
I admire your creativity, as to the writing of this fictionalization.
Bless you
Rajasir
Comment Written 07-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Thanks so much, rajasir. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
