What You Don't Know
A surprise during a meeting in a moonlit park.37 total reviews
Comment from nora arjuna
hi there, redridder. i enjoyed your vampire story and thought it suited the contest requirement of a vampire love story. you have an interesting well-written plot. I wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2008
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hi there, redridder. i enjoyed your vampire story and thought it suited the contest requirement of a vampire love story. you have an interesting well-written plot. I wish you all the best.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2008
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thank you, arjuna--sadly, it isn't doing well in the voting booth
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can't cast my vote, not till I review all. that's the disadvantage of this type of ruling. not sure whether I'll have enough time to do it, working at the same time now. but I agree the votes don't always correspond with the reviews you've received.
Comment from Janilou
I like your story a lot. I have been busy reviewing them all, which has taken some time. This is a good ending, much better than the blood-sucking endings some of the stories have!
Well done. No errors noted. I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Jan
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2008
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I like your story a lot. I have been busy reviewing them all, which has taken some time. This is a good ending, much better than the blood-sucking endings some of the stories have!
Well done. No errors noted. I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Jan
Comment Written 30-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2008
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Thank you, Jan. I'm not doing so well in the voting booth, but that's ok. This has turned into an idea for a full blown novel, so the contest is really beside the point now.
Comment from knowledge
Very good! I can think of no improvements here. You need to submit it to a magazine next year. I spotted no SPAG. Hey, maybe we can all start a writers' magazine!
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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Very good! I can think of no improvements here. You need to submit it to a magazine next year. I spotted no SPAG. Hey, maybe we can all start a writers' magazine!
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 28-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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thank you very much, knowledge
Comment from Wilder
Like I said before- HOLY COW! Bovine exclamation even LOL. So now I have to look up what the other "ine" is, that's how interesting this story is. You are already in this genre just query it out because you'll get picked up. I do hope desperately you are writing more to this story.
Does he get to get turned to be with her? I absolutely love this story- the descriptions again were amazing- but for being a "fantasy" or paranormal romance, it's incredibly realistic.
I fear you will be published by a traditional house long before I will be! ;) Excellent work, simple excellent! No suggestions! Except write more! :)
Wilder
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Like I said before- HOLY COW! Bovine exclamation even LOL. So now I have to look up what the other "ine" is, that's how interesting this story is. You are already in this genre just query it out because you'll get picked up. I do hope desperately you are writing more to this story.
Does he get to get turned to be with her? I absolutely love this story- the descriptions again were amazing- but for being a "fantasy" or paranormal romance, it's incredibly realistic.
I fear you will be published by a traditional house long before I will be! ;) Excellent work, simple excellent! No suggestions! Except write more! :)
Wilder
Comment Written 26-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Thank you again, my friend. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it.
Comment from G.B. Smith
This is an excellent story and it rates a five and I think it will do very well in the contest. You have a unique style of stringing words together
Bear
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2008
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This is an excellent story and it rates a five and I think it will do very well in the contest. You have a unique style of stringing words together
Bear
Comment Written 24-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2008
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thank you very much, I appreciate the kind words and generous rating
Comment from TerraDawn
I really liked the story! Your descriptions were great and I love how you decided to write the romance in it's simplest forms. No sex or anything needed. Just a simple (or complicated, in their case) start to a relationship. You also made Nicolette seem more human and passionate than most vampires. The only reason I knocked a star off is because, in areas, your dialogue does seem a little static. The conversation in the graveyard where Brandon asks "Is it true you have to bit me three times...". That just doesn't sound smooth.
Other than that, I really liked the story and your characters. Well done! Good luck in the contest!!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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I really liked the story! Your descriptions were great and I love how you decided to write the romance in it's simplest forms. No sex or anything needed. Just a simple (or complicated, in their case) start to a relationship. You also made Nicolette seem more human and passionate than most vampires. The only reason I knocked a star off is because, in areas, your dialogue does seem a little static. The conversation in the graveyard where Brandon asks "Is it true you have to bit me three times...". That just doesn't sound smooth.
Other than that, I really liked the story and your characters. Well done! Good luck in the contest!!
Comment Written 23-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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Your critique didn't really give me enough to tell me what you mean by 'static'. I'm curious, did you review my piece before or after you read my review of your piece?
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I actually hadn't associated your piece at all with the review you gave me. I was just making my way down all of the entries and reviewing them one at a time. I just re-read the review you gave my piece and I thought it was really nice and well written! Thanks again!
I really do like your writing! I thought the plot was well laid out, and I never lost interest in anything that was happening. Your characters kept me interested as well as your descriptions. As for my dialogue comment, I just think your story would be even better (it is already great) with a smoother dialogue.
The first real dialogue exchange is a pretty good example. If you read it out loud, it just doesn't strike me as sounding like a conversation naturally would.
"Brandon?"
"What is it?"
"I need to tell you something, but I'm not sure how."
"You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
It's really not terrible dialogue! I just think it could go smoother. Perhaps if more was told with actions than the dialogue? Think about how you would say it and what you would be doing if you were in the situation. Perhaps (this is totally a suggestion!! please don't get frustrated with me!!):
"Brandon?"
"Hm?"
"I," she paused, not sure what to say. "I need to tell you something."
He moved his eyes to hers, immediately sensing the panic in their gaze.
"What is it? You can tell me."
I dunno...something like that. Again, I really really enjoyed your writing! You are definitely one of my tops in the contest so far (I haven't finished my way down the list...lol). I hope that clears up kinda what I was saying in my first critique. Let me know if you are still throwing you hands up in the air at my craziness (it happens often...you're not alone. lol)
Comment from Terror2s
Mmm. A vampire that doesn't suck human blood. This is different. I bet she convinces him too... I wish I had her willpower for dieting! I didn't see any nitpicks and thought you covered some nice conflicts that would be central to their situation. Terror
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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Mmm. A vampire that doesn't suck human blood. This is different. I bet she convinces him too... I wish I had her willpower for dieting! I didn't see any nitpicks and thought you covered some nice conflicts that would be central to their situation. Terror
Comment Written 23-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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Thank you, terror
Comment from Twomoon
redrider, hello, and this was quite the bite...lol..I mean read. I enjoyed your characters and the flow, haha..of this write! Ah, but the end..a little too sweet, hehe..not to die for! lol..seriously, I am horrid. This was written very well I enjoyed, good luck, much love twomoon
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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redrider, hello, and this was quite the bite...lol..I mean read. I enjoyed your characters and the flow, haha..of this write! Ah, but the end..a little too sweet, hehe..not to die for! lol..seriously, I am horrid. This was written very well I enjoyed, good luck, much love twomoon
Comment Written 23-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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Thank you, lol, I'm glad you liked it
Comment from L Stout
I liked this. It explored well the conflict caused by one patner being always young and the other having to age, and i liked also the suggestion that through not granting him eternal youth she was actually being unselfish. Best of luck in contest, xx
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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I liked this. It explored well the conflict caused by one patner being always young and the other having to age, and i liked also the suggestion that through not granting him eternal youth she was actually being unselfish. Best of luck in contest, xx
Comment Written 23-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2008
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Thank you, I'm glad you liked it
Comment from wierdgrace
This is a excellent story and could be put in a book, what great vampires story, and I wish you luckin the contest, I found no errors, as I was interested in the characters and what was going to happen next. Great story.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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This is a excellent story and could be put in a book, what great vampires story, and I wish you luckin the contest, I found no errors, as I was interested in the characters and what was going to happen next. Great story.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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thank you very much, grace, I am working on expanding this story into a novel
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cool great idea
