Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "David Meets His Attorney"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
15 total reviews
Comment from lindalcreel
It didn't take long for her to bring a new boyfriend with an attack dog into the picture. This doesn't look good. I guess it's really over. But what about the kids? Won't they ask about their father. The young one didn't want him to leave. Did mom and the boyfriend turn her against her dad too? This is a sad story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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It didn't take long for her to bring a new boyfriend with an attack dog into the picture. This doesn't look good. I guess it's really over. But what about the kids? Won't they ask about their father. The young one didn't want him to leave. Did mom and the boyfriend turn her against her dad too? This is a sad story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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I think I've told you that it's a true story about me. These recent chapters anyway. Most of it's fiction. I am the character David Barnett--------I did practice cardiology in Toledo for 20 yrs--Thanks again, Linda---Doug
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I gathered as much. It's a shame that you lost your family. I hope that one day your children will appreciate that you really did love them.
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Thanks Linda---I'm getting there.
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Glad:)
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting chapter. The dream sequenced worked, and I usually don't like them. I am intrigued to know more of the story.
Barbara
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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This is a very interesting chapter. The dream sequenced worked, and I usually don't like them. I am intrigued to know more of the story.
Barbara
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Thanks again, Barb. Glad the dream "worked"-Doug
Comment from dotandtittle
How could their only be standing room if he was actually lying down? Try - over crowded, but there is definitely more room than standing room.
I [went] to the house, not go. Come on; sounds interesting, I want to hear more??
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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How could their only be standing room if he was actually lying down? Try - over crowded, but there is definitely more room than standing room.
I [went] to the house, not go. Come on; sounds interesting, I want to hear more??
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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thanks---seems like very minor points---you want to rip me you need more ammunition than that--your tone is so arrogant--- there's always editing in the future---he was on the floor--as were many others--only room left was standing--get over it. You don't belong on this web site. I'll read some of your posts and give a very detailed critique.
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Thanks for that, but I was only trying to help. I'm not trying to rip anyone. Any help is good help - but at the end of the day it is YOUR story. Who says I don't belong on this site? I had an invitation - that's a welcome isn't it? If you are referring to when I said 'come on' I am sorry that sounded arrogant; I actually meant it, it was words of impatience eg, I'm lovin this, please give me more. I wish I had more time to read. I WANTED to hear more of your story. Besides, I gave you a 4! What is wrong with that?
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Thanks Dot---You're right. Sorry I was so abrupt, and 4 stars is fine. I'm so glad you've become a fan. Hope you'll read more. Once again--my fault--glad you wrote back.------Doug
Comment from Gungalo
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dang it all. What happened next? LOL it must have been awful to have him end up in jail. He wasn't even drunk yet was he? LOL
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dang it all. What happened next? LOL it must have been awful to have him end up in jail. He wasn't even drunk yet was he? LOL
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thanks G. I just ripped a reviewer--can't talk now--too upset.---------------Doug
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Oh if you did that he was probably not a member. Don't let them upset you.
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G---Funny---you keep referring to "him"---ie. David. It's ME. This is all( last couple chapters---not the whole book) autobiographical-it all happened---that's why I decided to be a writer.
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Well some folks don't like it when you refer to them but I'll switch it up next chapter. Okay? LOL
Comment from witness4HIM
Oh,my, I thought he had stopped his drinking....dumb me...
It is amazing what money can buy
also amazing what it cannot buy...
I would be upset too,
if someone want to strut around in their undies in front of my kids.
At least he had some on to cover his personal areas.
another good suspenseful chapter
with great emotions and details.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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Oh,my, I thought he had stopped his drinking....dumb me...
It is amazing what money can buy
also amazing what it cannot buy...
I would be upset too,
if someone want to strut around in their undies in front of my kids.
At least he had some on to cover his personal areas.
another good suspenseful chapter
with great emotions and details.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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Very inspiring
Comment from Buctar
Cardiodoug:
This was a good read that I enjoyed. He has a real dilemma. It might drive me to drink, too, and I don't drink.
A couple of observations for your consideration.
His mother spoke again. "David, how could you do this?" She turned toward the (Whenever you place a tag line out in front of the dialogue like this, it causes the reader to stumble. It is straight telling. Recommend: "David, how could you do this?" his mother asked as she turned toward the )
His father bellowed. "Yes, you're dying. (Same as above. It seems strange that you have his father bellowing before he says anything. Recommend:"Yes, you're dying," his father bellowed.) Actually, I would prefer something like: His father face was red and the veins stood out in his neck. "Damn right you're dying...
trying to remember what HAD he HAD done. (Remove the first HAD.)
police at Lucas County jail (I think Jail should be capitalized.)
Jacobs interjected. "I've been there myself. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
Barnett continued his story. "I've been going to the house (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking and if he is talking the story is obviously continuing.)
looked back( ),as if to make (Move the comma one space to the left.)
Take a breath and relax. " (Move the quotation marks one space to the left.)
The attorney spoke. "I'm confused. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
Allen added, "Yeah, I know the breed. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
A good read.
Buctar
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Cardiodoug:
This was a good read that I enjoyed. He has a real dilemma. It might drive me to drink, too, and I don't drink.
A couple of observations for your consideration.
His mother spoke again. "David, how could you do this?" She turned toward the (Whenever you place a tag line out in front of the dialogue like this, it causes the reader to stumble. It is straight telling. Recommend: "David, how could you do this?" his mother asked as she turned toward the )
His father bellowed. "Yes, you're dying. (Same as above. It seems strange that you have his father bellowing before he says anything. Recommend:"Yes, you're dying," his father bellowed.) Actually, I would prefer something like: His father face was red and the veins stood out in his neck. "Damn right you're dying...
trying to remember what HAD he HAD done. (Remove the first HAD.)
police at Lucas County jail (I think Jail should be capitalized.)
Jacobs interjected. "I've been there myself. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
Barnett continued his story. "I've been going to the house (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking and if he is talking the story is obviously continuing.)
looked back( ),as if to make (Move the comma one space to the left.)
Take a breath and relax. " (Move the quotation marks one space to the left.)
The attorney spoke. "I'm confused. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
Allen added, "Yeah, I know the breed. (This tag line is not needed at all. The reader knows who is speaking.)
A good read.
Buctar
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Hi Buctar--nice to hear from you again. Appreciate the comments. I' ve wondered how many times I should use an intro tag---thought reader may get lost in all the dialogue----I'll take a look at it --make some changes--thanks again---Doug
Comment from babylonia
wow~ i can't wait to see what happened next. easy to read and follow. i only see one spag and it is probably a typo. "I'll do my best (quotation mark)
imagery is excellent. definitely a good piece. keep up the good work~
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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wow~ i can't wait to see what happened next. easy to read and follow. i only see one spag and it is probably a typo. "I'll do my best (quotation mark)
imagery is excellent. definitely a good piece. keep up the good work~
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Thanks B----I'll try to make the next chapter worth the wait----Doug
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doug,
i am sure it will be worth it as our boy seems to have been very busy. LOL
you are welcome~
barbara
Comment from davidray
-but you wouldn't listen"hot-shot doctor (space after 'listen)
-Barnett looked up and saw his mother standing at the foot of the bed.(Barnett glanced up at his mother standing ... tighten up your sentences.)
-He was confused, not sure of where he was (ALWAYS try to stay away from repeating words in a sentence. Especially the 'was' word. Nothing destroys a sentence like 'was'. If you haven't heard enough already aboiut telling vs showing, I will share a bit with you.
What you want to accomplish with your writing is to place the reader in the scene you have created. Don't tell us about it, show us ... make us feel as if we're right there. That's what showing is. Take your sentence above, for example: He was confused, not sure of where he was. As a medical doctor, you know the symtoms he would show if he was nervous or anxious, so SHOW us those classic signs: sweating; eyes twitching, scanning the unfamiliar surroundings; gasping for air, perhaps; swallowed, hard; licked his lips, nervously; the beat of his heart quickened; his brows furrowed; scratched his head (if confused) .... whatever. These are the things you can SHOW us. Not just tell us that he's confused. Understand?
-Barnett was dumbfounded. (define dumbfounded. Now SHOW us, please. Again, all you're doing with the above sentence is telling us he's dumbfounded. BORING!)
-What the hell's goin' on? (place all internal dialogue in italics.)
Anyways, I did read your entire section.I have to tell you, doug, you'd get a lot more reviewers if you cut the length of your postings down. This was a bit long for 52 cents.Most will just pass it by. Read the average posting and you'll see what I mean. Continued success with your writing. you've got an interesting story happening here. Do some editing and you'll be amazed with the difference.
If you need any help, don't hesitate to ask. :)
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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-but you wouldn't listen"hot-shot doctor (space after 'listen)
-Barnett looked up and saw his mother standing at the foot of the bed.(Barnett glanced up at his mother standing ... tighten up your sentences.)
-He was confused, not sure of where he was (ALWAYS try to stay away from repeating words in a sentence. Especially the 'was' word. Nothing destroys a sentence like 'was'. If you haven't heard enough already aboiut telling vs showing, I will share a bit with you.
What you want to accomplish with your writing is to place the reader in the scene you have created. Don't tell us about it, show us ... make us feel as if we're right there. That's what showing is. Take your sentence above, for example: He was confused, not sure of where he was. As a medical doctor, you know the symtoms he would show if he was nervous or anxious, so SHOW us those classic signs: sweating; eyes twitching, scanning the unfamiliar surroundings; gasping for air, perhaps; swallowed, hard; licked his lips, nervously; the beat of his heart quickened; his brows furrowed; scratched his head (if confused) .... whatever. These are the things you can SHOW us. Not just tell us that he's confused. Understand?
-Barnett was dumbfounded. (define dumbfounded. Now SHOW us, please. Again, all you're doing with the above sentence is telling us he's dumbfounded. BORING!)
-What the hell's goin' on? (place all internal dialogue in italics.)
Anyways, I did read your entire section.I have to tell you, doug, you'd get a lot more reviewers if you cut the length of your postings down. This was a bit long for 52 cents.Most will just pass it by. Read the average posting and you'll see what I mean. Continued success with your writing. you've got an interesting story happening here. Do some editing and you'll be amazed with the difference.
If you need any help, don't hesitate to ask. :)
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Thanks David--I hate this chapter---I wrote it years ago--pulled it out of filing recently and did some editing----i totally agree with your assessment. The whole chapter's boring . I was pressed for time and wanted to post it to keep things going ---I intend to trash it and start from scratch. Thanks again---Doug
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Hi Doug,
Best wishes. Sorry if I came across a bit crusty. When I read it just now, I sounded crusty to me. :(
If you ever have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Okay?
We're all here to learn.
David
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Hi david---you're fine---maybe a tiny bit crusty---but that chapter deserved it. As I said--i wrote it years ago---my style's improved greatly since then---I think. I should have known better than to post it, but I was tired and couldn't stand the thought of rewriting the whole chapter---appreciate your time reviewing such a long piece--Doug
Comment from Puggle3
An interesting chapter, although rather long! The dialogue was believable. The characters were realistic. I felt the flow was stymied somewhat by the dialogue. It was difficult sometimes to tell what was actually happening. There was a point when David was talking to his attorney that it bogged down before he explained why he had been arrested. The following suggestions are for your consideration: "She's right, son. I warned you about the booze. I told you a thousand times, but you wouldn't listen"hot-shot doctor,["] too smart for the rest of us, right? Now look at you: no wife, no family, no job. All you have is your alcohol. I hope you enjoy the rest of your decadent life, you scum!" (quotes needed); The doctor says you're[your] liver's destroyed.; of food through an opening in steal bars. (steel); missing"confiscated["] by the night supervisors. (missing quotes); three-piece suite was (suit); "No. I've never done that. It's always in the evening, usually late. I'm alone. I can't sleep. I'm not doing well, Mr. Jacobs.["](missing quotes); "I've been going to the house. Every night I drive by. Sometimes I stop and look in the windows. A week ago, the police warned me to stay away. They know my car and have seen me"driving through the neighborhood. They told me I'd be arrested if I didn't stop. The restraining order, as you know."
(quotes before driving not needed); for me to accept." We've been (extra quotes); "I feel you're pain, David.(your); "David looked at Jacobs with a half-hearted smile--blinking twice to dry his teary eyes. I hope (no quotes); "Allen interjected. Let's move (quotes); He glanced at his watch.["] It's ten forty-five. Sorry to rush you, but I have a luncheon appointment with another client at noon." (quotes needed); but were not on call (we're); I left the Village Inn and drove back to the house. The lights were on. Sue's car must have been in the garage. Keller's truck was parked in the driveway. I could see the Doberman's head sticking up over the seat. Allen, I was enraged. I gave no thought to the restraining order. I drove up the drive, went to the door and started pounding. Seconds later the door opened wide.(This is still dialogue as well as several other paragraphs. Put it in quotes); I've been told the foods the worst part. (food's). Basically, there are multiple punctuation and spelling mistakes that, if corrected, would make this a much better story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
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An interesting chapter, although rather long! The dialogue was believable. The characters were realistic. I felt the flow was stymied somewhat by the dialogue. It was difficult sometimes to tell what was actually happening. There was a point when David was talking to his attorney that it bogged down before he explained why he had been arrested. The following suggestions are for your consideration: "She's right, son. I warned you about the booze. I told you a thousand times, but you wouldn't listen"hot-shot doctor,["] too smart for the rest of us, right? Now look at you: no wife, no family, no job. All you have is your alcohol. I hope you enjoy the rest of your decadent life, you scum!" (quotes needed); The doctor says you're[your] liver's destroyed.; of food through an opening in steal bars. (steel); missing"confiscated["] by the night supervisors. (missing quotes); three-piece suite was (suit); "No. I've never done that. It's always in the evening, usually late. I'm alone. I can't sleep. I'm not doing well, Mr. Jacobs.["](missing quotes); "I've been going to the house. Every night I drive by. Sometimes I stop and look in the windows. A week ago, the police warned me to stay away. They know my car and have seen me"driving through the neighborhood. They told me I'd be arrested if I didn't stop. The restraining order, as you know."
(quotes before driving not needed); for me to accept." We've been (extra quotes); "I feel you're pain, David.(your); "David looked at Jacobs with a half-hearted smile--blinking twice to dry his teary eyes. I hope (no quotes); "Allen interjected. Let's move (quotes); He glanced at his watch.["] It's ten forty-five. Sorry to rush you, but I have a luncheon appointment with another client at noon." (quotes needed); but were not on call (we're); I left the Village Inn and drove back to the house. The lights were on. Sue's car must have been in the garage. Keller's truck was parked in the driveway. I could see the Doberman's head sticking up over the seat. Allen, I was enraged. I gave no thought to the restraining order. I drove up the drive, went to the door and started pounding. Seconds later the door opened wide.(This is still dialogue as well as several other paragraphs. Put it in quotes); I've been told the foods the worst part. (food's). Basically, there are multiple punctuation and spelling mistakes that, if corrected, would make this a much better story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
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Hi Puggle---great, in depth review. I hate this chapter. Too long, too much dialogue, not enough action. In my opinion it's the worst of all 20 posted. I'm amazed at the amount of spag you found--though i'm not surprised---i had to edit like crazy after having chapter typed from dictation. My typist wasn't as good as I'd hoped. Thanks for comments. I intend to revise entire chapter---make it more of a summary--transition to next chapter---thanks again---Doug
Comment from Peggy Nuckles
This is the first chater I've read of your book, but it soon caught my interest. Your characters are well developed and believeable. Already I'm worried about David's wife and kids with that freak living with them.
I noticed quite a few small nits:
His mother broke in.(,) "You're a looser (loser), David! You're a drunk and you've ruined your life."
The doctor says you're (your) liver's destroyed.
His shoes, tie, belt, wallet, and wrist watch were missing" (no quotes)confiscated by the night supervisors.
David sighed, taking some deep breaths to clear his head--trying to remember what had (delete this 'had') he had done.
As his hung(-)over brain cleared, his memory came back.
Time passed slowly, excruciating(ly) slowly.
You'll be ok (okay)."
They know my car and have seen me"(no quotes) driving through the neighborhood.
After seeing the truck(,) my heartbreak turned to anger.
For God's sake, Maddie's only six-years-old (no hyphens. If you had said six-year-old Maddie, you would have needed hyphens because that would have been a compound adjective.)
I've been told the food(')s the worst part
Good story,
Peggy
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
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This is the first chater I've read of your book, but it soon caught my interest. Your characters are well developed and believeable. Already I'm worried about David's wife and kids with that freak living with them.
I noticed quite a few small nits:
His mother broke in.(,) "You're a looser (loser), David! You're a drunk and you've ruined your life."
The doctor says you're (your) liver's destroyed.
His shoes, tie, belt, wallet, and wrist watch were missing" (no quotes)confiscated by the night supervisors.
David sighed, taking some deep breaths to clear his head--trying to remember what had (delete this 'had') he had done.
As his hung(-)over brain cleared, his memory came back.
Time passed slowly, excruciating(ly) slowly.
You'll be ok (okay)."
They know my car and have seen me"(no quotes) driving through the neighborhood.
After seeing the truck(,) my heartbreak turned to anger.
For God's sake, Maddie's only six-years-old (no hyphens. If you had said six-year-old Maddie, you would have needed hyphens because that would have been a compound adjective.)
I've been told the food(')s the worst part
Good story,
Peggy
Comment Written 24-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
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Thanks Peggy---you're too generous with stars. i hate this chapter----intend to rewrite the whole thing----thanks again---doug
