Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Tamayo--Part Two"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
11 total reviews
Comment from Gungalo
Yikes, why wouldn't she push for an autopsy. That no good doctor got away with murder in the OR or Cath Lab either one. Golly he was such a young guy too to have to die.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2013
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Yikes, why wouldn't she push for an autopsy. That no good doctor got away with murder in the OR or Cath Lab either one. Golly he was such a young guy too to have to die.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2013
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Golly Gee , i love your comments.----Doug
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LOL Doug.
Comment from Pierre Francis
I haven't read the earlier chapters, so my comments are limited to the above. The story has a good flow, and you've kept the tension going from start to end. However, I have a few suggestions, which you might want to consider, which would significantly enhance the writing:
a) try to avoid "ing" words as much as possible in order to make the writing more direct and effective. For example, your sentence "a stream of air shot from the catheter tip, coalescing into three large bubbles" would read better like this: "a stream of air shot from the catheter tip and coalesced into three large bubbles, which..." and "Mary quickly repositioned the table and placed the fluoroscope over her patient's head".
b) avoid wordiness as much as possible. The sentence "Tamayo turned and glared directly into Mary's eyes" would be better as "Tamayo turned and glared at Mary".
c) Avoid technical medical explanations as these slow down the pace. Areas like "The carotid arteries, one on either side of the neck, supply blood to the majority of the brain. After entering the skull, they divide into numerous branches, one of which goes directly to the retina of each eye" could be simplified, or avoided altogether. You could simply continue with "Tamayo knew what had happened..."
d) she bent down to hear what her patient was saying (check for other slips).
e) Make dialogue crisper and self-explanatory. In other words, do not explain tone of dialogue with tags. Rather, let dialogue project the tone you seek. For example...
Linda realised her patient was in trouble, but she had to know what had happened.
"Dr. Tamayo, what's going on?"
Tamayo turned and shot her an angry look. "This man is dying from an air embolization thanks to this bitch!"
I hope these help. They are general pointers that you might consider as you go through the work again.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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I haven't read the earlier chapters, so my comments are limited to the above. The story has a good flow, and you've kept the tension going from start to end. However, I have a few suggestions, which you might want to consider, which would significantly enhance the writing:
a) try to avoid "ing" words as much as possible in order to make the writing more direct and effective. For example, your sentence "a stream of air shot from the catheter tip, coalescing into three large bubbles" would read better like this: "a stream of air shot from the catheter tip and coalesced into three large bubbles, which..." and "Mary quickly repositioned the table and placed the fluoroscope over her patient's head".
b) avoid wordiness as much as possible. The sentence "Tamayo turned and glared directly into Mary's eyes" would be better as "Tamayo turned and glared at Mary".
c) Avoid technical medical explanations as these slow down the pace. Areas like "The carotid arteries, one on either side of the neck, supply blood to the majority of the brain. After entering the skull, they divide into numerous branches, one of which goes directly to the retina of each eye" could be simplified, or avoided altogether. You could simply continue with "Tamayo knew what had happened..."
d) she bent down to hear what her patient was saying (check for other slips).
e) Make dialogue crisper and self-explanatory. In other words, do not explain tone of dialogue with tags. Rather, let dialogue project the tone you seek. For example...
Linda realised her patient was in trouble, but she had to know what had happened.
"Dr. Tamayo, what's going on?"
Tamayo turned and shot her an angry look. "This man is dying from an air embolization thanks to this bitch!"
I hope these help. They are general pointers that you might consider as you go through the work again.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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Pierre----Thank you for advice---I agree. I'll make some changes. Hope you'll read more.-Doug
Comment from Nosha17
My second opportunity to read your story and I enjoyed once again the clinical detail. You have succeeded in creating a story which shows human failing even amongst the medical profession who are sworn to preserve life. The dialogue in the operating room was at fever pitch and the reader was drawn into the situation. Commendable piece of writing.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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My second opportunity to read your story and I enjoyed once again the clinical detail. You have succeeded in creating a story which shows human failing even amongst the medical profession who are sworn to preserve life. The dialogue in the operating room was at fever pitch and the reader was drawn into the situation. Commendable piece of writing.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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Nosha----Thank you so much. I'm inspired.--Hope you get chance to read more.-Doug
Comment from pensee
I was with Tom and every bubble of air and exploding nuclei. Intense.
I haven't read the other chapters but Dr. Tamayo is perfectly despicable. You do such a great job showing the reader what a narcissist Tamayo is that you could probably leave some of the telling out (like the sentence "Defense mechanisms came into play as Tamayo thought of a scheme to shield himself from blame." You've already made his defensiveness and shielding scheme blatant). Also, Your narrator is omnipotent but I had a hard time imagining that Dr. Tamayo is as self aware as he's given credit. In the sentence, "He reconciled his decision as being what Mr. Krider would want, knowing deep inside it was self-preservation, a reality he tried to force from his mind." Given Tamayo's actions and rationalizations, I have a hard time believing that he knew deep inside that it was self-preservation. I'm more inclined to think that he believes the delusion that he's doing what's best for Krider
I like the technical aspects and all the medical speak along with the explanations. But be careful with incorporating too much back story detail. (ex. "Electrical cardioversion works by passing a brief burst of direct current through the chest and heart. This shock eliminates, or overpowers, any abnormal electrical activity present in the heart muscle. If successful, the cardioversion allows the heart's own natural pacemaker to resume beating.") this part kind of sounds like a footnote and interrupts intensity of the story.
Minor grammar:
...aware of that(,)and (needs a space after the comma)
"Clear"(,) yelled(,) Tamayo.
The character of the nurses really came through. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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I was with Tom and every bubble of air and exploding nuclei. Intense.
I haven't read the other chapters but Dr. Tamayo is perfectly despicable. You do such a great job showing the reader what a narcissist Tamayo is that you could probably leave some of the telling out (like the sentence "Defense mechanisms came into play as Tamayo thought of a scheme to shield himself from blame." You've already made his defensiveness and shielding scheme blatant). Also, Your narrator is omnipotent but I had a hard time imagining that Dr. Tamayo is as self aware as he's given credit. In the sentence, "He reconciled his decision as being what Mr. Krider would want, knowing deep inside it was self-preservation, a reality he tried to force from his mind." Given Tamayo's actions and rationalizations, I have a hard time believing that he knew deep inside that it was self-preservation. I'm more inclined to think that he believes the delusion that he's doing what's best for Krider
I like the technical aspects and all the medical speak along with the explanations. But be careful with incorporating too much back story detail. (ex. "Electrical cardioversion works by passing a brief burst of direct current through the chest and heart. This shock eliminates, or overpowers, any abnormal electrical activity present in the heart muscle. If successful, the cardioversion allows the heart's own natural pacemaker to resume beating.") this part kind of sounds like a footnote and interrupts intensity of the story.
Minor grammar:
...aware of that(,)and (needs a space after the comma)
"Clear"(,) yelled(,) Tamayo.
The character of the nurses really came through. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
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Hi Pensee---what a great review. I agree with redundancy noted. ---Hope you'll get chance to read more.----Thanks again-----Doug
Comment from lindalcreel
The sad thing is that this happens more often than people realize. I actually stopped taking verbal orders from some doctors because they weren't always honest. but I played by a different set of rules, because I didn't need the money. I would call them on it every single time and after a while the docs knew that they couldn't get over on me. I liked to think that I was a patient advocate and more often than not, we were placed in some very compromising positions. I just always remembered what my Dad told me; always do the right thing; and I did. I earned the respect of many a good doctor and helped to weed out the doctor T's in the world. I have on more than one occasion asked a doctor,do you need to make your mortgage payment. I was not aggressive, but I was determined.; no body was going to die on my shift and I learned to question everything. no offense to the great doctors that exist, but there are more Dr. T's than I care to remember. Thanks so much for sharing. Your chapters bring back many memories for me. I can honestly say that in almost twenty five years, I never lost a patient due to carelessness. I learned to keep my eyes and ears open. sometimes we were nothing more than police officers, but it didn't matter as long as the patient survived. God Bless!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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The sad thing is that this happens more often than people realize. I actually stopped taking verbal orders from some doctors because they weren't always honest. but I played by a different set of rules, because I didn't need the money. I would call them on it every single time and after a while the docs knew that they couldn't get over on me. I liked to think that I was a patient advocate and more often than not, we were placed in some very compromising positions. I just always remembered what my Dad told me; always do the right thing; and I did. I earned the respect of many a good doctor and helped to weed out the doctor T's in the world. I have on more than one occasion asked a doctor,do you need to make your mortgage payment. I was not aggressive, but I was determined.; no body was going to die on my shift and I learned to question everything. no offense to the great doctors that exist, but there are more Dr. T's than I care to remember. Thanks so much for sharing. Your chapters bring back many memories for me. I can honestly say that in almost twenty five years, I never lost a patient due to carelessness. I learned to keep my eyes and ears open. sometimes we were nothing more than police officers, but it didn't matter as long as the patient survived. God Bless!
Comment Written 12-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Hi Linda---Thanks for such a long review. I assume you're an RN. I appreciate your suspicionon of doctors motives. I've met so many crooks in this business. It makes me sad and irate.---Hope to hear from you again. The next chapter will solidify your experience.--Doug
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Yep- I new exactly where that was headed.
Comment from witness4HIM
You know in all your very medically written chapters, you are thorough in details and this really makes your novel great.
So what if only medical people read it and bone up on some of their departments? Mostly wrestling fans and those in the field, read the books and magazines relating to it.
Greatly written are your chapters and makes a person want to read on.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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You know in all your very medically written chapters, you are thorough in details and this really makes your novel great.
So what if only medical people read it and bone up on some of their departments? Mostly wrestling fans and those in the field, read the books and magazines relating to it.
Greatly written are your chapters and makes a person want to read on.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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THANK YOU again . Your reviews encourage me to carry on-----Doug
Comment from babylonia
so many things come to mind. i made notes as i read.
call a code... somebody
respiratory therapists talk too. LOL
little slow with the atropine and isuprel
man, he wasn't thinking. it is obvious the man is in stroke mode but it does show how the lies start.
wouldn't this be the doc you would hope would lean in a little too close ... LOL
zap~
We're going to quit (change Were to We're)
home free unless an autopsy is done. what about the site of the femoral artery puncture? hmmm ... so many questions in my brain. LOL
he's dead ... LOL he won't feel a thing after dr. mengele got through punching holes in his femoral artery. sorry, couldn't resist. =)
this is going great. the technical jargon was easy for the laymen reader. i know this is a book of fiction but i have to ask ... if this had been real life wouldn't an autopsy been automatic? just curious. in 1981 in texas it was. i was a lpn/lvn from 1982 to 1994.
keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2008
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so many things come to mind. i made notes as i read.
call a code... somebody
respiratory therapists talk too. LOL
little slow with the atropine and isuprel
man, he wasn't thinking. it is obvious the man is in stroke mode but it does show how the lies start.
wouldn't this be the doc you would hope would lean in a little too close ... LOL
zap~
We're going to quit (change Were to We're)
home free unless an autopsy is done. what about the site of the femoral artery puncture? hmmm ... so many questions in my brain. LOL
he's dead ... LOL he won't feel a thing after dr. mengele got through punching holes in his femoral artery. sorry, couldn't resist. =)
this is going great. the technical jargon was easy for the laymen reader. i know this is a book of fiction but i have to ask ... if this had been real life wouldn't an autopsy been automatic? just curious. in 1981 in texas it was. i was a lpn/lvn from 1982 to 1994.
keep up the good work.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2008
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Hi B---Great review---autopsies are much less often done now----it's a concern of researchers---med community always needs the data--despite that---autopsies have become rare. Autopsy would only be mandatory if there was some concern about foul play---or if a law suit were instigated immediately. Thanks again--I'll correct typos---Doug
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true, i just don't know how senor know it all will keep the girls and the respiratory therapist completely mum. i never met a respiratory therapist who didn't like to gossip. LOL heard lots of stuff from them when i did respiratory therapy rotation. i will keep all of this in mind as i read more.
you are welcome
babylonia
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When I read your reply I thought you were calling me Senor Know It All----LOL----it wouldn't be the first time---thanks---Doug
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LOL ... no the doc. doc ray. LOL i have been known to get that name occasionally as well. =)
you are welcome
babylonia
Comment from Jiggerella
this is a really great story i enjoyed it from start to finish and you do a really great job with imagery just painting a good picture in my head with a few words....good job and love to see more work
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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this is a really great story i enjoyed it from start to finish and you do a really great job with imagery just painting a good picture in my head with a few words....good job and love to see more work
Comment Written 05-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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Hi Jigger---THANK YOU-------hope you'll get a chance to read more---chap 9 posted today----Doug
Comment from Janilou
Wow! This is a really exciting chapter, and even the death of the patient is easier to take because of your wonderful description of the after-death experience he was having while the medical staff worked on him.
Very good. I didn't see any errors or nits! Your writing just keeps improving. I will have to go back and read the earlier chapters! Great story.
Jan
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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Wow! This is a really exciting chapter, and even the death of the patient is easier to take because of your wonderful description of the after-death experience he was having while the medical staff worked on him.
Very good. I didn't see any errors or nits! Your writing just keeps improving. I will have to go back and read the earlier chapters! Great story.
Jan
Comment Written 04-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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Jan----WOW-again---thank you---appreciate your reviews---chap 9 posted today---hope you have time to read more----Doug
Comment from KMBowman
This is an interesting chapter. I don't understand all the medical language, facts, and figures, and I found it hard to believe someone's shirt could actually become soaked with tears, but this is a good story, and it read with ease. Other than the numbers and technical jargon, the rest of the story seems believable, and I liked it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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This is an interesting chapter. I don't understand all the medical language, facts, and figures, and I found it hard to believe someone's shirt could actually become soaked with tears, but this is a good story, and it read with ease. Other than the numbers and technical jargon, the rest of the story seems believable, and I liked it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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Hi KB---thank you---I appreciate it---hope you have time to read more---chapter 9 posted today-----Doug
