Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Mounir"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
12 total reviews
Comment from lindalcreel
Thank you for the break down. I heard that many Muslims had immigrated to the Detroit area, but never knew the history surrounding their arrival. This was entertaining and you have set the stage with the foundation of this story. I'll be catching up on the other chapters. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the break down. I heard that many Muslims had immigrated to the Detroit area, but never knew the history surrounding their arrival. This was entertaining and you have set the stage with the foundation of this story. I'll be catching up on the other chapters. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Linda---Thanks again---semms that you intend to read the entire novel. I like that---Doug
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Welcome:)
Comment from James Chaima Phiri
The author gives a detailed description of Dearborn and its residents. It is interesting to note the exactly time Zaynab conceived. This promises to be a very nice story. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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The author gives a detailed description of Dearborn and its residents. It is interesting to note the exactly time Zaynab conceived. This promises to be a very nice story. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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JCP----Thank ---hope you'll read more--and perhaps read prior chapters. There are 45 chapters in all.--Thanks again----------Doug
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting chapter. I like hearing about the background of the different characters. I hope they come together soon.
Barbara
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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This is an interesting chapter. I like hearing about the background of the different characters. I hope they come together soon.
Barbara
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Hi Barb---thanks again--hope you'll keep reading--they'll all come together--may not be soon---novel has 45 chapters---Thanks again-Doug
Comment from Gungalo
So Mounir was destined to become a genius eh? I find it very interesting this whole bit about kids and DNA. There are two more to check on right?
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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So Mounir was destined to become a genius eh? I find it very interesting this whole bit about kids and DNA. There are two more to check on right?
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Total will be Casandra, Michael, David and Mounir. Now we get get to mix em' all together.-------------Thanks G----Doug
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Oh boy.
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love your humor---OH BOY!
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Smiling at you guy. LOL
Comment from witness4HIM
I, myself, am extremely curious. Were you per chance a OB/GYN
physician?
You have a lot of conceptions in your chapter, absolutely nothing wrong with it, especially the way you write the events, but in another field it would be most unusual to witness (on paper) so many beginnings of life.
You know it is a wise thing that these couples are thinking in order for there babies to have a better life by waiting until funds are more.
Some of our own people, want to lay down, get pregnant and let us pay for their existence.
Thanks for this encouragement in your writing.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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I, myself, am extremely curious. Were you per chance a OB/GYN
physician?
You have a lot of conceptions in your chapter, absolutely nothing wrong with it, especially the way you write the events, but in another field it would be most unusual to witness (on paper) so many beginnings of life.
You know it is a wise thing that these couples are thinking in order for there babies to have a better life by waiting until funds are more.
Some of our own people, want to lay down, get pregnant and let us pay for their existence.
Thanks for this encouragement in your writing.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Hi Witness---im a cardiologist. That will become evident in future chapters. Thanks for nice review.----Doug
Comment from babylonia
these guys in these chapters are pretty fertile ... lol easy to read and follow. good information on the arab community in michigan. made me think of maxwell klinger from mash. =)
no spag. keep up the good work~
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2008
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these guys in these chapters are pretty fertile ... lol easy to read and follow. good information on the arab community in michigan. made me think of maxwell klinger from mash. =)
no spag. keep up the good work~
Comment Written 09-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2008
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Hi babylonia-----I lived in Toledo for 20+ years---Klinger( jamie farr) is famous around there----made Toledo Mudhens and Tony Packo's household words. Toledo has a huge number of Lebonese and Syrian residents. Danny Thomas---Lebonese --was from Toledo----Thanks for support----
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hey doug, somehow i lost track. LOL i got a new computer for my birthday. it was a mess getting it attached to dsl with a new router. there were several days when i didn't get on as much as usual. i got way behind on your story. LOL but i am back. i will be playing catch up. i had heard of the lebanese population in that area before. makes sense. babylonia
Comment from Dayadog
You provide a ton of useful information to help the reader understand the plight of the ghetto for arabs (ghettos the all nationalities have lived through once immigrating to America). The only suggestion I have is to nit have two chapters with no dialogue. It's tough but try and mayne have one of the characters reference some of these facts to a friend or family member vs all narrative. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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You provide a ton of useful information to help the reader understand the plight of the ghetto for arabs (ghettos the all nationalities have lived through once immigrating to America). The only suggestion I have is to nit have two chapters with no dialogue. It's tough but try and mayne have one of the characters reference some of these facts to a friend or family member vs all narrative. Keep it up.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2008
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Hi day------Thanks----I agreee----noticed that problem myself when i recently read chapter 6----I likely revise---both 5 and 6---hope you get chance to read more---next chapters--7,8,9 are loaded with dialogue---thanks----Doug
Comment from RaymondJohn
I've recently been to Dearborn, and visited the Ford museum. The Arabic businesses were very rundwown, and many were closed. Really interesting article. It should have been listed in the non-fiction area. Very interesting and very well-written. Ray
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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I've recently been to Dearborn, and visited the Ford museum. The Arabic businesses were very rundwown, and many were closed. Really interesting article. It should have been listed in the non-fiction area. Very interesting and very well-written. Ray
Comment Written 03-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Ray---hanks for nice comments--hope you'll read more---Doug
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
OK, you're really getting even more of my attention with this chapter. Now the previous chapter makes sense. I may be wrong, but this may well turn out to be much more than your typical medical drama, although the title says different ...
This is extremely well written. The narrative is descriptive and flowing. Every thing about your writing is totally engaging. you have a natural talent as a writer.
John
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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OK, you're really getting even more of my attention with this chapter. Now the previous chapter makes sense. I may be wrong, but this may well turn out to be much more than your typical medical drama, although the title says different ...
This is extremely well written. The narrative is descriptive and flowing. Every thing about your writing is totally engaging. you have a natural talent as a writer.
John
Comment Written 03-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Hi John-----Keep up the good work! LOL----thanks---chap 7 part one just posted----Doug
Comment from rhymer1
You flow needs to be punched up. You take too much time to get your story moving. My comments while reading are appended. Slainte, rhymer1
and (emigrated) [immigrated] to the United States - we emigrated from and immigrate to.
who (had) found work in
daughter, Basima, would [moved into the small apartment rented by Asad and his wife.] (live in a small, two bedroom apartment with his brother, and sister-in-law). - eliminates wishy-washy conditional verb tense and gives action, always preferred to intent to give pace to your presentation.
(would) [moved into Asad and his wife's small apartment] (his brother?s small apartment where they live in a small, two bedroom apartment with his brother, and sister-in-law).
100,000 (residents by) [in] the early 1960?s.
It was to this grossly inadequate environment that Fareed and Zaynab - by now I feel I have been clobbered by too much repeating of bad living conditions and a profusion of Arabs. Consider editing most of it out and covering it with one or two short paragraphs. Your audience does not need so much repeating. They will become bored and abandon the read.
Except for the [two young children] we knew this, and nothing of any interest has occurred since we learned it. get your story in gear and punch up the pace.
were repeatedly foiled by the growing discrimination - this conflicts wit your earlier claim that the ford Co. was pleased with the influx.
of Southern-Bible-Belt emigrants(, had) made work -This is a modifier, ad dashes
The prejudice against Arabs, especially Muslims, was extreme. - yo are overworking this to the extreme.
brother(, Asad). - redundant
retired (to bed) early.
At 1:35 a.m., January 1st, 1960, Zaynab Arafa conceived. - entirely redundant except to display your knowledge of time taken from cotack to official conception.
his destiny (could be) [was] greatness
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reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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You flow needs to be punched up. You take too much time to get your story moving. My comments while reading are appended. Slainte, rhymer1
and (emigrated) [immigrated] to the United States - we emigrated from and immigrate to.
who (had) found work in
daughter, Basima, would [moved into the small apartment rented by Asad and his wife.] (live in a small, two bedroom apartment with his brother, and sister-in-law). - eliminates wishy-washy conditional verb tense and gives action, always preferred to intent to give pace to your presentation.
(would) [moved into Asad and his wife's small apartment] (his brother?s small apartment where they live in a small, two bedroom apartment with his brother, and sister-in-law).
100,000 (residents by) [in] the early 1960?s.
It was to this grossly inadequate environment that Fareed and Zaynab - by now I feel I have been clobbered by too much repeating of bad living conditions and a profusion of Arabs. Consider editing most of it out and covering it with one or two short paragraphs. Your audience does not need so much repeating. They will become bored and abandon the read.
Except for the [two young children] we knew this, and nothing of any interest has occurred since we learned it. get your story in gear and punch up the pace.
were repeatedly foiled by the growing discrimination - this conflicts wit your earlier claim that the ford Co. was pleased with the influx.
of Southern-Bible-Belt emigrants(, had) made work -This is a modifier, ad dashes
The prejudice against Arabs, especially Muslims, was extreme. - yo are overworking this to the extreme.
brother(, Asad). - redundant
retired (to bed) early.
At 1:35 a.m., January 1st, 1960, Zaynab Arafa conceived. - entirely redundant except to display your knowledge of time taken from cotack to official conception.
his destiny (could be) [was] greatness
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Hi Rhymer---wow-----my only defense--not that I need one--is that I wrote this chapter years ago and should have edited closely for redundancy---I do know emigrate vs immigrate---more poor editing----I didctate on a Dragon program---causes lots of typos with homophones------I appreciate the detail of your review and will definitely revise some of this----hope you'll read next chapter---Thanks---Doug
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Thanks for graciously accepting the criticism as offered: constructive. As for reading more, if you continue to post from a recoring, and it requires so much editing, I will ot read much further. it takes a long time to offer good criticism, and you are now aware of how I think about prose. I offer a canned critique which I keep taped to the organizer above my computor to remind me of my deficiencies. You may benefit from reading it.
I repeat these comments so often in time-consuming constructive criticism on this site, that I wrote this canned introduction.
Principally I assess postings only on writing talent.
In what follows, I present my edit as if it were my draft.
(***) means I suggest deleting.
[***] means I suggest adding.
Too many subordinate-clause sentence-starters, or too many ings (Gerund openings), indicates the volume of same in your prose will annoy and distract your readers.
I will regularly:
change passive verb tense to simple declarative
delete conditional verb tense wherever logical
delete boring modifiers: very, almost, nearly, about, really, some, etc.
delete: in fact, moreover, by and large, as to that.
change every ~ All of a sudden ~ to Suddenly.
delete modifiers if there are two or three for one word. One modifier is often one too many.
delete every excessive word I find
massacre sentences that are too wordy
change wishy-washy sentences to be assertive
Hope it works for you. If you are put off, tell me and I will refrain from future reviews
When in doubt, edit it out.
Think LACONIC when editing your work.
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Rhymer----Hope I didn't sound defensive.I should have known better than to post any chapters I haven't thoroughly reviewed. Your right, it's inappropriate to use reviewers as an editing device. Hope you'll read my next chapter---part one posted already---chapter 8. The original is long, so I've posted in two parts. I love your canned editing idea. I must admit that you lost me on modifiers, etc. That's my problem---I'm an MD, haven't studied enough English grammar----but I intend to. Hope I don't loose you as a reviewer. I need a kick in the butt to improve my work----Thanks-----Doug
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My humble congratulation! An MD who does not walk on water. I will pm you a tongue-in-cheek essay I wrote on he Water Walking Syndrome. A brilliant friend who was an anesthesiologist (as well as a chemist, poet , word afficionado and limerick lover (I wrote a book of 601 limericks) suggested I submit it to the New England Journal of Medicine. I was surprised, years later, to find he had been serious.
And, of course I will review future chapters when they pop up on my screen. Possibly you will return the favor and review my new postings of the first two chapters of Purgatory, my latest novel. Also, my, The Geezers, is still at a point where new readers can easily catch up by reading the review of previous chapters. Chapters 10 & 11 still pay a buck and change a piece. I do not ask that you follow them, only that you sample them and decide if they interest you enough for you to track. Novels are tough to attract readers because most of them stick to the poetry where they pick up quick $fs with little effort.
I would become a fan of yours but decided a year ago that the full pm box announcing postings was too time consuming.
Slainte, rhymer1
