Lipstick Murder
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Shadows of the Past"After a lifetime of suffering, Tess’s world shatte
7 total reviews
Comment from Mia Twysted
Your conversations are very lifelike. I was enthralled the entire time, especially while she was having the nightmare about the boy who used to beat her up.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2025
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Your conversations are very lifelike. I was enthralled the entire time, especially while she was having the nightmare about the boy who used to beat her up.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. The next chapter will tell you what happened to him.
Thank you again for your great review and marvelous stars, take care.
Comment from Karen Cherry
You can sure spin a yarn. I had to go back and read the rest now I am all caught up. I had not come across you before. I don't go to the list to read often. I have a full mailbox every day. But, I am posting a new story tomorrow so I am reviewing my hienie off to get points to promote. Good work here. Karen
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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You can sure spin a yarn. I had to go back and read the rest now I am all caught up. I had not come across you before. I don't go to the list to read often. I have a full mailbox every day. But, I am posting a new story tomorrow so I am reviewing my hienie off to get points to promote. Good work here. Karen
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much for such a kind review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Tess is one determined woman, trying to right a wrong done so many years ago.
Thank you again for reading my story and your marvelous stars. Good luck with your story, I'll be sure to look for it, take care.
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I hope she doesn't run out of people anytime soon! Karen
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A clever story and I don't think I would be capable of committing a crime these days as I would more than likely leave my DNA all over the place! It is increasingly more difficult for murderers to get away without being traced these days. Another fine chapter, lover Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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A clever story and I don't think I would be capable of committing a crime these days as I would more than likely leave my DNA all over the place! It is increasingly more difficult for murderers to get away without being traced these days. Another fine chapter, lover Dolly x x x
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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True, forensics makes it impossible for long, but see she's presumed dead, so that's going to make solving the case a little more difficult.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and marvelous stars, take care.
Comment from Faith Williams
Oooo, the plot thickens. With some context as to why Tess is targeting certain people. It will be interesting to see how the detectives pull all the information together. Especially since they think Tess is dead.
Suggestions to consider:
You've got some tense hopping happening throughout this chapter. It's most noticeable in this paragraph since you're talking about the past, which is how you start the paragraph, but in that second sentence you switch to present tense. This whole paragraph should be in the past tense
"Just as Tess was about to board her flight, an overwhelming wave of illness struck her. She (rushes) to the bathroom. Returning, she witnessed her departing plane explode in a fiery ball. She (feels) relief at narrowly avoiding tragedy but soon comes to grips with the challenges of being assumed deceased. With no fingerprints or DNA on file and an outdated ID photo that bore little resemblance to her, thanks to some weight gain and her now-blonde hair, proving her identity became an impossible task. Frustrated, she confided in a friend, who suggested adopting an alias."
Seeing her friend at the edge of the park, Tess (approached) her. "Did you get it?" In the story, you are once again the present tense, but it's written in the past, so I suggest switching it.
Betty's eyes (lit) up when she (smiled). Should be present tense.
After a restless night, Tess (decided) to lie down while her client (napped). Her dreams (were) pleasant at first, taking her back to special moments spent with her mom, carefree outings and serene picnics in the park. But without warning, they abruptly (shifted) to a horrific childhood memory. Here again, the action is occurring in the present tense.
A bustling police station (buzzed) with activity, brimming with a sense of urgency and purpose as officers (darted) to and fro. Should be present tense.
With a hint of a smile, she (added), "Kid." Their back-and-forth banter (was) how they kept the stress of the job at bay. Should be in present tense.
I suggest reviewing the dream sequence. While the dream is occurring in the present, Tess is reliving a memory, something that has already happened, so it should be written in the past tense.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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Oooo, the plot thickens. With some context as to why Tess is targeting certain people. It will be interesting to see how the detectives pull all the information together. Especially since they think Tess is dead.
Suggestions to consider:
You've got some tense hopping happening throughout this chapter. It's most noticeable in this paragraph since you're talking about the past, which is how you start the paragraph, but in that second sentence you switch to present tense. This whole paragraph should be in the past tense
"Just as Tess was about to board her flight, an overwhelming wave of illness struck her. She (rushes) to the bathroom. Returning, she witnessed her departing plane explode in a fiery ball. She (feels) relief at narrowly avoiding tragedy but soon comes to grips with the challenges of being assumed deceased. With no fingerprints or DNA on file and an outdated ID photo that bore little resemblance to her, thanks to some weight gain and her now-blonde hair, proving her identity became an impossible task. Frustrated, she confided in a friend, who suggested adopting an alias."
Seeing her friend at the edge of the park, Tess (approached) her. "Did you get it?" In the story, you are once again the present tense, but it's written in the past, so I suggest switching it.
Betty's eyes (lit) up when she (smiled). Should be present tense.
After a restless night, Tess (decided) to lie down while her client (napped). Her dreams (were) pleasant at first, taking her back to special moments spent with her mom, carefree outings and serene picnics in the park. But without warning, they abruptly (shifted) to a horrific childhood memory. Here again, the action is occurring in the present tense.
A bustling police station (buzzed) with activity, brimming with a sense of urgency and purpose as officers (darted) to and fro. Should be present tense.
With a hint of a smile, she (added), "Kid." Their back-and-forth banter (was) how they kept the stress of the job at bay. Should be in present tense.
I suggest reviewing the dream sequence. While the dream is occurring in the present, Tess is reliving a memory, something that has already happened, so it should be written in the past tense.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter and for all your helpful suggestions. I do believe I have corrected them all. I'll try to be more careful next time, proofread better.
Thank you again for all your great advice and wonderful stars, take care.
Comment from Yolanda King
I think you may have another look at the usage of your tenses. It should read here: she rushed to the bathroom. "Just as Tess was about to board her flight, an overwhelming wave of illness struck her. She rushes to the bathroom. Returning, she witnessed her departing plane explode in a fiery ball. She feels relief at narrowly avoiding tragedy but soon comes to grips with the challenges of being assumed deceased."
Here you're also switching back and forth between the tenses: ""I have everything you need, Grace Morgan." Betty hands her a manila envelope.
"Is that my new name?"
Her friend nods. "What do you think?"
"I love it."
Betty's eyes lit up when she smiled. "I knew you would."
I's write:handed and nodded as it both seems to be in the past.
"A bustling police station buzzed with activity" buzzes here as the whole paragraph is written in the present tense.
"I already know what you're about to say, so zip it." With a hint of a smile, she added, "Kid." Their back-and-forth banter was how they kept the stress of the job at bay. = she adds, is, keep
"She glanced at the papers" = glances
"She tries to sidestep around them; Ryan shoves her back." = tried, shoved
"Ryan asks, pushing her again." = asked
"The hateful children laugh as the murky water soaks through her threadbare clothes." = laughed, soaked
"Her knees are bloody, her pants torn. Layers of mud cover her clothes, hands, and face." = were, covered
"Ryan taunts, pushing her again."= taunted After this, the following 3 paragraphs are all written in the present tense, although it's still in the past.
"After a long, relaxing meal, she felt a thousand times better." = feels
"Everyone said they've never heard them quarrel once in all the years they've worked for them. they`d never, they`d worked
"so I'm sure she wants to make sure things" = repetition. Maybe: I'm certain...
"Hold that thought," Toni said, answering her cell phone = Toni says
I like how you describe the hubbub at the precinct, it's very relatable, and I also like the conversation between the 2 police officers in the car. The flashbacks are good but a bit hard to read because of the swapping between the present and past tense. All in all, it flows. Let's see when the police officers will figure it out.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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I think you may have another look at the usage of your tenses. It should read here: she rushed to the bathroom. "Just as Tess was about to board her flight, an overwhelming wave of illness struck her. She rushes to the bathroom. Returning, she witnessed her departing plane explode in a fiery ball. She feels relief at narrowly avoiding tragedy but soon comes to grips with the challenges of being assumed deceased."
Here you're also switching back and forth between the tenses: ""I have everything you need, Grace Morgan." Betty hands her a manila envelope.
"Is that my new name?"
Her friend nods. "What do you think?"
"I love it."
Betty's eyes lit up when she smiled. "I knew you would."
I's write:handed and nodded as it both seems to be in the past.
"A bustling police station buzzed with activity" buzzes here as the whole paragraph is written in the present tense.
"I already know what you're about to say, so zip it." With a hint of a smile, she added, "Kid." Their back-and-forth banter was how they kept the stress of the job at bay. = she adds, is, keep
"She glanced at the papers" = glances
"She tries to sidestep around them; Ryan shoves her back." = tried, shoved
"Ryan asks, pushing her again." = asked
"The hateful children laugh as the murky water soaks through her threadbare clothes." = laughed, soaked
"Her knees are bloody, her pants torn. Layers of mud cover her clothes, hands, and face." = were, covered
"Ryan taunts, pushing her again."= taunted After this, the following 3 paragraphs are all written in the present tense, although it's still in the past.
"After a long, relaxing meal, she felt a thousand times better." = feels
"Everyone said they've never heard them quarrel once in all the years they've worked for them. they`d never, they`d worked
"so I'm sure she wants to make sure things" = repetition. Maybe: I'm certain...
"Hold that thought," Toni said, answering her cell phone = Toni says
I like how you describe the hubbub at the precinct, it's very relatable, and I also like the conversation between the 2 police officers in the car. The flashbacks are good but a bit hard to read because of the swapping between the present and past tense. All in all, it flows. Let's see when the police officers will figure it out.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2025
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Can you say major screw up, that was this chapter for sure. I think I fixed all my mistakes, at least I hope I did. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me make this better, and for all your wonderful stars, take care.
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Glad I could be of help. In between I was actually wondering whether you'd done the tense switches intentionally and I was just not getting it (-; Have fun developing the story further!
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The part about Tess's dream was intentional, wanted to take the readers back to see it for themself as it unfolds, guess I should've set it up better so everyone would know. Live and learn, right? Thank you again for all your help.
Comment from royowen
I can certainly see how Tess became a serial killer, although it doesn't necessarily follow that that would be the case, what a great cover to lose one's identity by misadventure, an excellent post, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : spent with her mom(,)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I can certainly see how Tess became a serial killer, although it doesn't necessarily follow that that would be the case, what a great cover to lose one's identity by misadventure, an excellent post, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : spent with her mom(,)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter, and catching my mistake. I swear comma's are going to be the death of me lol.
Thank you again for your kind review and wonderful star's take care.
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Most welcome
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Thank you for reading my chapter, and catching my mistake. I swear comma's are going to be the death of me lol.
Thank you again for your kind review and wonderful star's take care.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed the way you kept the pace moving in your story. I also enjoyed the playful back and forth between the characters. The scene where Tess recalls her childhood bullying is powerful. I felt for her as she was caught in such a tough situation. Your characters feel real! I can't wait to see where this story goes next! Keep it up!
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I really enjoyed the way you kept the pace moving in your story. I also enjoyed the playful back and forth between the characters. The scene where Tess recalls her childhood bullying is powerful. I felt for her as she was caught in such a tough situation. Your characters feel real! I can't wait to see where this story goes next! Keep it up!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter and for all your support. It means a lot to me. I'm so glad my characters seem relatable to you. Tess did have a rough beginning probably why she fell for that monster Steve as hard as she did.
Thank you again for your sweet review and wonderful stars, take care.
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Thank you for reading my chapter and for all your support. It means a lot to me. I'm so glad my characters seem relatable to you. Tess did have a rough beginning probably why she fell for that monster Steve as hard as she did.
Thank you again for your sweet review and wonderful stars, take care.
