The Best Way To Wake Up
A short story erotica about a werewolf and a vampire.5 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
HI there,
Your picture hasn't uploaded properly and doesn't show on screen, it just makes the text push across for no reason at present.
Some good stuff in here, taking the reader along for the ride (pun intended)
I made some notes as I read through-
Watch out for your adverb usage. They should be used sparingly. They are essentially telling words when you probably want to strike a better show / tell balance in the write. they can also signal lazy writing.
You also have a tendency to use the same ones - gently / slowly / softly for example.
"Fuck babe...you're still not...getting any...," - you don't need to use the comma when you've used the ellipses (...). They signify a trailing off so it's a natural pause.
"This behavior is not 'good'. I have a long shift at work today you know," I pouted at him. - be careful not to mix one person's actions with another's dialogue. The speech here should be closed off with a period rather than comma as at present it attributes the dialogue to the wrong person.
All the best
GMG
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HI there,
Your picture hasn't uploaded properly and doesn't show on screen, it just makes the text push across for no reason at present.
Some good stuff in here, taking the reader along for the ride (pun intended)
I made some notes as I read through-
Watch out for your adverb usage. They should be used sparingly. They are essentially telling words when you probably want to strike a better show / tell balance in the write. they can also signal lazy writing.
You also have a tendency to use the same ones - gently / slowly / softly for example.
"Fuck babe...you're still not...getting any...," - you don't need to use the comma when you've used the ellipses (...). They signify a trailing off so it's a natural pause.
"This behavior is not 'good'. I have a long shift at work today you know," I pouted at him. - be careful not to mix one person's actions with another's dialogue. The speech here should be closed off with a period rather than comma as at present it attributes the dialogue to the wrong person.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Feb-2025
Comment from Mrs Anna Howard
Haha, who could stay asleep for that, and what a passionate and extremely love making session indeed! I like how you described emotions such as "chuckled softly " etc. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2025
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Haha, who could stay asleep for that, and what a passionate and extremely love making session indeed! I like how you described emotions such as "chuckled softly " etc. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2025
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Haha thanks so much!
Comment from JMJenca
This was a great read! The dialog between the characters was excellent. I could vividly see your story as if i was watching a sex scene between lovers! The discription of the scenario was superb and i feel was completely engaging. My dick definitely got a lil hard while i was reading this so i you got an approval from both my heads haha. Fantastic job, i havnt read any erotic material ever but i think this is incredible. Hope to read some more of your work! Keep writing!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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This was a great read! The dialog between the characters was excellent. I could vividly see your story as if i was watching a sex scene between lovers! The discription of the scenario was superb and i feel was completely engaging. My dick definitely got a lil hard while i was reading this so i you got an approval from both my heads haha. Fantastic job, i havnt read any erotic material ever but i think this is incredible. Hope to read some more of your work! Keep writing!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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Haha that’s great to hear! Thank you so much for the kind words! I appreciate you taking the time!
Comment from lancellot
It is a very erotic scene, and you do a good job at painting it for the readers. I would advise some minor additional editing.
notes:
I remained affixed to his cock, gently suckling his soft and swollen head
-I simply reattached myself to his cock, gently suckling his soft and swollen head
(Because, to speak, she had to take it out of her mouth.)
I pulled back, looking him in the eye.
-or-
I pulled back, looking into his eyes.
"I've been good," I whined. He shook his head, staring at me.
-It is good practice not to mix different speakers or character actions in the same line or paragraph.
"I'll give you everything you've been asking for; if, you let me feed on you," he angled his head up to look down at me.
-"I'll give you everything you've been asking for; if, you let me feed on you." He angled his head up to look down at me.
"You're so pretty," the hand my collar tightened,
- "You're so pretty." The hand on my collar tightened,
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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It is a very erotic scene, and you do a good job at painting it for the readers. I would advise some minor additional editing.
notes:
I remained affixed to his cock, gently suckling his soft and swollen head
-I simply reattached myself to his cock, gently suckling his soft and swollen head
(Because, to speak, she had to take it out of her mouth.)
I pulled back, looking him in the eye.
-or-
I pulled back, looking into his eyes.
"I've been good," I whined. He shook his head, staring at me.
-It is good practice not to mix different speakers or character actions in the same line or paragraph.
"I'll give you everything you've been asking for; if, you let me feed on you," he angled his head up to look down at me.
-"I'll give you everything you've been asking for; if, you let me feed on you." He angled his head up to look down at me.
"You're so pretty," the hand my collar tightened,
- "You're so pretty." The hand on my collar tightened,
Comment Written 13-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it!
Comment from Tim Margetts
Well written Elizabeth-Ann
Very intense and certainly graphic. This whole werewolf/vampire schtick seems to be a big thing these days
All I can do is wish you good luck in the contest and ask you... What do you prefer to be called...
LOL
Tim
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2025
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Well written Elizabeth-Ann
Very intense and certainly graphic. This whole werewolf/vampire schtick seems to be a big thing these days
All I can do is wish you good luck in the contest and ask you... What do you prefer to be called...
LOL
Tim
Comment Written 13-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2025
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Haha excactly why I pieced this little beauty together. Thank you! And feel free to call me Liz!
