Final Moments
A woman's message to her man during her last days15 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hey Kahlani!
It has been a while since I talked to you! I remember bookcasing this poem a bit ago, but it takes me forever sometimes to get to them. I hope you forgive me for taking so long!
What strikes me the most about this free verse is the detailed descriptions you use and also how well you cater to all reader senses. The circumstance of the poem as you explain is compelling and sad: a dying woman (I assume dying, but you never exactly say) pays tribute to the man she has loved and loved her.
SOME THOUGHTS:
---You do a great job of using contrast in your description of the narrator's "wild man." Lines like: "A gruff man with the gentlest touch," and "his heart is tame, though bold and adventurous," show an almost opposite comparison, giving him a complex shading.
---And lastly, the statement that while he has "green thumbs" and rescues plants he cannot save the narrator is piercing sad, a touch of melancholy irony.
I really enjoyed this poem. Details like "dust particles," "vintage film clip," and "smooth keys of the grand piano" pinpoint the setting of your story, and it's all very well done. Loved it!
Patrick
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Hey Kahlani!
It has been a while since I talked to you! I remember bookcasing this poem a bit ago, but it takes me forever sometimes to get to them. I hope you forgive me for taking so long!
What strikes me the most about this free verse is the detailed descriptions you use and also how well you cater to all reader senses. The circumstance of the poem as you explain is compelling and sad: a dying woman (I assume dying, but you never exactly say) pays tribute to the man she has loved and loved her.
SOME THOUGHTS:
---You do a great job of using contrast in your description of the narrator's "wild man." Lines like: "A gruff man with the gentlest touch," and "his heart is tame, though bold and adventurous," show an almost opposite comparison, giving him a complex shading.
---And lastly, the statement that while he has "green thumbs" and rescues plants he cannot save the narrator is piercing sad, a touch of melancholy irony.
I really enjoyed this poem. Details like "dust particles," "vintage film clip," and "smooth keys of the grand piano" pinpoint the setting of your story, and it's all very well done. Loved it!
Patrick
Comment Written 11-Jan-2025
Comment from Begin Again
Your poem is quite moving and stirs the senses in the reader. It's beautiful how her senses become so clear as she sees the simple things around her become in "sharp focus" - the loud ticking on the clock, the dust particles dancing, the smooth keys of the piano... awesome. And then, her final thought settles on the love of her life and how special he is to her as she bids her last goodbye.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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Your poem is quite moving and stirs the senses in the reader. It's beautiful how her senses become so clear as she sees the simple things around her become in "sharp focus" - the loud ticking on the clock, the dust particles dancing, the smooth keys of the piano... awesome. And then, her final thought settles on the love of her life and how special he is to her as she bids her last goodbye.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Carol
Comment Written 09-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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Thank you, Carol. As always, your words are very uplifting and encouraging. I appreciate your lovely feedback.
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Smiles and hugs to you, dear!
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A beautiful and heartfelt offering here, my lady... absolutely hits on some wonderful emotional points for the female reader and, perhaps, even for the male who may have found himself being someone's wild man.... well done! ;) I would only suggest inserting a few line spaces throughout as it initially appears daunting to read with the curves in the letters and the closeness of all the lines... Perhaps when the image changes from one major thought to another...? It's very easy to read the love (and regret) both in and between the lines!! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck in the contest, my lady! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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A beautiful and heartfelt offering here, my lady... absolutely hits on some wonderful emotional points for the female reader and, perhaps, even for the male who may have found himself being someone's wild man.... well done! ;) I would only suggest inserting a few line spaces throughout as it initially appears daunting to read with the curves in the letters and the closeness of all the lines... Perhaps when the image changes from one major thought to another...? It's very easy to read the love (and regret) both in and between the lines!! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck in the contest, my lady! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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I will change the font. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Comment from poetwatch
Kahlani, I read and reread your poem and with the picture showing a young lady sadly looking at her "wild man" I came to a conclusion. I sense a tragic moment in life where this woman loss a child and is leaving her man. I know that we are all writers and can make the sun glow blue, but if you need someone to talk too... well I got my hearing-aids on? Take care of yourself woman and God bless you. This is a good entry for the Free Form Poetry Contest. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Kahlani, I read and reread your poem and with the picture showing a young lady sadly looking at her "wild man" I came to a conclusion. I sense a tragic moment in life where this woman loss a child and is leaving her man. I know that we are all writers and can make the sun glow blue, but if you need someone to talk too... well I got my hearing-aids on? Take care of yourself woman and God bless you. This is a good entry for the Free Form Poetry Contest. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you kindly for your heartfelt review 🙏
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Thank you, Kahlani, for such a stylish and evocatively poignant portrayal of this woman in her last days. You paint an excellent picture of her surroundings leading up to the reveal of the wild man in her life. The only shame about this is that I would love to have been able to read more about him rather than it being concentrated into the last 6 lines of your verse. But that is testament to how engaging your story is. Part 2 please:) Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you, Kahlani, for such a stylish and evocatively poignant portrayal of this woman in her last days. You paint an excellent picture of her surroundings leading up to the reveal of the wild man in her life. The only shame about this is that I would love to have been able to read more about him rather than it being concentrated into the last 6 lines of your verse. But that is testament to how engaging your story is. Part 2 please:) Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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That's very kind of you to say. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback 🙏
Comment from Tim Margetts
Wow
OK
I need to take a moment to process this.
I am not sure if this is a suicide note, or a final word from one at the end of their life, either through age or illness.
Whatever the focus.
Damn
Well done Kahlani
This is a powerful work that will be with me for a long time.
Tim
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Wow
OK
I need to take a moment to process this.
I am not sure if this is a suicide note, or a final word from one at the end of their life, either through age or illness.
Whatever the focus.
Damn
Well done Kahlani
This is a powerful work that will be with me for a long time.
Tim
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you, Tim. I'm so pleased that you enjoyed my poem 😊
Comment from Trina Layne
I like the ruefulness and the irony at the end of this poem. That was my favourite part. However, I think some lines were too cliche - change my world for the better, back from the dead, senses come to life. Perhaps you could find some other ways to express those ideas more poetically. All the best with your writing!
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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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I like the ruefulness and the irony at the end of this poem. That was my favourite part. However, I think some lines were too cliche - change my world for the better, back from the dead, senses come to life. Perhaps you could find some other ways to express those ideas more poetically. All the best with your writing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you for your honest feedback. I appreciate your advice. 😀
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Most welcome.
Comment from patcelaw
A very well written free verse form for the poetry contest and I very much enjoyed listening to it. May you have a wonderful day and may God bless you with a very merry Christmas. Patricia.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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A very well written free verse form for the poetry contest and I very much enjoyed listening to it. May you have a wonderful day and may God bless you with a very merry Christmas. Patricia.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Patricia. Merry Christmas to you, too. 😀
Comment from Nicki.B
This a very powerful poem of emotions which you have written beautifully. Loss being the most incredibly difficult time in ones life, you are capturing the last moments of goodbye its gorgeous but also deeply sad, many of which will certainly connect with.
Well done and good luck with the contest
Best Wishes
Nicki
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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This a very powerful poem of emotions which you have written beautifully. Loss being the most incredibly difficult time in ones life, you are capturing the last moments of goodbye its gorgeous but also deeply sad, many of which will certainly connect with.
Well done and good luck with the contest
Best Wishes
Nicki
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you, Nicki, for your lovely comments 😊
Comment from royowen
A very unusual theme indeed, I don't really know what to say, the wild man, but a very sad poem, and very well written, possibly a note or two would have been good, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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A very unusual theme indeed, I don't really know what to say, the wild man, but a very sad poem, and very well written, possibly a note or two would have been good, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Blessings to you too, Roy.😀
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Well done
