The Darkness of My Life
A World War II veteran describes the darkness he experienced6 total reviews
Comment from Slo_6
War stories are strange to read. I want to read them. It doesn't seem right to say I enjoy reading them. Maybe it's best to say that I appreciate reading them. This is a gritty story that rings true, and that's an accomplishment. The descriptions of hardships were particularly strong and stirring.
Your frequent references to darkness tell me what you're trying to convey. Consider, though, trying to deliver a more complete or a more explanatory message than "darkness lives with you." You might want to add imagery or a more vivid manifestation of the darkness. What does the darkness feel like? How does it affect our narrator?
I hope you give this a few more edits. There a some sections that would hit harder with a little more work and polish. Your narrator is a person who he might not always speak in perfect grammatical sentences, but as a reader, I prefer reading well-spoken narrators. So, I would suggest good complete sentences. If you prefer a narrator whose speech is a little rough, ignore my suggestions, but practice writing in his voice to attain constituency and something interesting for the reader (this is difficult, even for successful, professional writers).
I watched bombers explode, killing an entire crew [or WATCH B-17's burning and headed earthward-->wrong verb tense --> maybe try "or the planes burned, and I prayed to God the entire...".
Praying to God the entire crew would escape.
Sadly, watching as only some of the crew could parachute. -->These two sentence fragments are a little clunky to read.
Try to avoid redundant language and ideas like this:
My road to a lifetime of true darkness BEGAN on September 30, 1944, with my arrival at Rattlesden, Army Air Force base in England. A week later, it all BEGAN. --> It sounds disorienting to the reader that it began twice.
That was the date which would be the darkest day of my life. A day that darkness would come and stay with me my whole life. --> I can see that these are two separate ideas, but they sound so similar that it took a second pass for me to sort it out. Consider editing out some extraneous words to better express the ideas. One complex sentence might read better than two separate sentences.
If you were going to die, God's forgiveness meant a lot to them. --> You changed the subject noun from second person (you) to third person (them).
there was a hole blown through our right wing and a second one blow the tail section off -->a second hole blown through the tail section?
I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Thank you for sharing this story.
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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War stories are strange to read. I want to read them. It doesn't seem right to say I enjoy reading them. Maybe it's best to say that I appreciate reading them. This is a gritty story that rings true, and that's an accomplishment. The descriptions of hardships were particularly strong and stirring.
Your frequent references to darkness tell me what you're trying to convey. Consider, though, trying to deliver a more complete or a more explanatory message than "darkness lives with you." You might want to add imagery or a more vivid manifestation of the darkness. What does the darkness feel like? How does it affect our narrator?
I hope you give this a few more edits. There a some sections that would hit harder with a little more work and polish. Your narrator is a person who he might not always speak in perfect grammatical sentences, but as a reader, I prefer reading well-spoken narrators. So, I would suggest good complete sentences. If you prefer a narrator whose speech is a little rough, ignore my suggestions, but practice writing in his voice to attain constituency and something interesting for the reader (this is difficult, even for successful, professional writers).
I watched bombers explode, killing an entire crew [or WATCH B-17's burning and headed earthward-->wrong verb tense --> maybe try "or the planes burned, and I prayed to God the entire...".
Praying to God the entire crew would escape.
Sadly, watching as only some of the crew could parachute. -->These two sentence fragments are a little clunky to read.
Try to avoid redundant language and ideas like this:
My road to a lifetime of true darkness BEGAN on September 30, 1944, with my arrival at Rattlesden, Army Air Force base in England. A week later, it all BEGAN. --> It sounds disorienting to the reader that it began twice.
That was the date which would be the darkest day of my life. A day that darkness would come and stay with me my whole life. --> I can see that these are two separate ideas, but they sound so similar that it took a second pass for me to sort it out. Consider editing out some extraneous words to better express the ideas. One complex sentence might read better than two separate sentences.
If you were going to die, God's forgiveness meant a lot to them. --> You changed the subject noun from second person (you) to third person (them).
there was a hole blown through our right wing and a second one blow the tail section off -->a second hole blown through the tail section?
I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Thank you for sharing this story.
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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Thank you for the nice comments. I appreciate your suggestions and corrections. I will follow those suggestions.
I always appreciate a reviewer that makes suggestions and corrections.
Thank you!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
What a story! And how well you carried this theme of darkness throughout your traumatic narrative. Your memories are crystal clear as though it all happened yesterday and it is such a shame that you couldn't have had some intervention for what was/is, inevitably PTSD. My father also experienced that 1000 mile march, in his case, from Poland and also suffered dysentery. He too rarely spoke about it. Thank you so much, not only for sharing your story, but for your very commendable participation in this dreadful War and for helping the world to be a safer place. Maybe writing about it will be therapeutic? Good luck! Debbie
a second one bl(e)w the tail section off
Coming (to) I stood up...
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What a story! And how well you carried this theme of darkness throughout your traumatic narrative. Your memories are crystal clear as though it all happened yesterday and it is such a shame that you couldn't have had some intervention for what was/is, inevitably PTSD. My father also experienced that 1000 mile march, in his case, from Poland and also suffered dysentery. He too rarely spoke about it. Thank you so much, not only for sharing your story, but for your very commendable participation in this dreadful War and for helping the world to be a safer place. Maybe writing about it will be therapeutic? Good luck! Debbie
a second one bl(e)w the tail section off
Coming (to) I stood up...
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
Comment from zanya
Fiction yes but it could certainly be true - it has a ring of truth with events not dissimilar to those in WW11. Especially striking is the reference to 'kept their memories hidden,' which is a form of darkness in keeping with the theme.
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Fiction yes but it could certainly be true - it has a ring of truth with events not dissimilar to those in WW11. Especially striking is the reference to 'kept their memories hidden,' which is a form of darkness in keeping with the theme.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2024
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really felt the the emotion in your story. Your descriptions of those moments - from the terror of battle to the brutal captivity - really stuck me. The way you described the lasting darkness really hit home. It's raw and real, and your strength shines through in your storytelling. Thank you for sharing such a intense journey. Felt so real, I had to check to see if it was non-fiction!
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I really felt the the emotion in your story. Your descriptions of those moments - from the terror of battle to the brutal captivity - really stuck me. The way you described the lasting darkness really hit home. It's raw and real, and your strength shines through in your storytelling. Thank you for sharing such a intense journey. Felt so real, I had to check to see if it was non-fiction!
Comment Written 06-Dec-2024
Comment from Lana Marie
Wow! This felt so true reading it. I was feeling really bad for you if you were the one that experienced it. Yes so many people have gone through horrible war experiences. Is definitely is an amazing writing for this prompt. Good luck.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Wow! This felt so true reading it. I was feeling really bad for you if you were the one that experienced it. Yes so many people have gone through horrible war experiences. Is definitely is an amazing writing for this prompt. Good luck.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Lana, I consider a story a success if the reader enjoys it. This is a fictional story that is based on conversations I had over the years with World War II veterans.
Thank you for the kind words.
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You're welcome ☺️
Comment from Gayla putnam
My gosh your story is worse than any horror tale by Stephan King. Thank you for sharing. Your story is moving and well-written. I sat on the edge of my chair as I read it. Your emotions are real and raw. gayla
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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My gosh your story is worse than any horror tale by Stephan King. Thank you for sharing. Your story is moving and well-written. I sat on the edge of my chair as I read it. Your emotions are real and raw. gayla
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Gayla, I consider any story I write to be a success if it grabs the readers attention. I am honored to be thought of in the same level as Stephan King. I would be honored if you followed me and read some of my other storys.