The Bird Lover
A romance involving seniors6 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a wonderful love story. People who didn't seem to think they would even be looking for love found each other, and they felt like they couldn't give up on a perfect relationship.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2024
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This is a wonderful love story. People who didn't seem to think they would even be looking for love found each other, and they felt like they couldn't give up on a perfect relationship.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2024
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I am thrilled you like my story so much, Carol. Thank you very much for your kind praise and all those glittering stars.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I especially liked that this unexpected romance was between two older people. When seniors find themselves alone, it takes time to adjust to a new single lifestyle. A chance for a senior romance is always uncertain, surprising, and unexpected, as your story so gently described. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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I especially liked that this unexpected romance was between two older people. When seniors find themselves alone, it takes time to adjust to a new single lifestyle. A chance for a senior romance is always uncertain, surprising, and unexpected, as your story so gently described. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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I enjoyed writing this romance about an older couple because I am old, many thanks for sharing.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
This is a lovely story. Your descriptive words pull the reader into the story as if they are sitting and watching this love story unfold. The picture compliments the story nicely.
Great job and good luck in your contest.
Cecilia
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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This is a lovely story. Your descriptive words pull the reader into the story as if they are sitting and watching this love story unfold. The picture compliments the story nicely.
Great job and good luck in your contest.
Cecilia
Comment Written 16-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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Cecilia, I am delighted my story pulled you in. Many thanks for sharing.
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Your welcome
Cecilia
Comment from Sarah Probe S.
many thanks for such an inspiring romantic story in prose including dialogues
I hope you win the « unexpected romance « contest
Take care !
Sarah
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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many thanks for such an inspiring romantic story in prose including dialogues
I hope you win the « unexpected romance « contest
Take care !
Sarah
Comment Written 16-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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Sarah, I am thrilled you found my romance inspiring. And thank you so much for the endorsement and all those glittering stars.
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cheers ✨💎
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked this piece, there's a good tone to it.
I think you could go through it again and tighten a few little things up, mainly technical / structural. I made some notes as I read through-
She lifted the lid of a small garbage can and filled a metal scoop with seed. - minor this but maybe not refer to it as a garbage can as it's not one.
Just watch out for your adverb usage. It's not excessive but they sometimes come grouped close together which makes them stand out more. The adverb usage can skew toward telling over showing as they are essentially telling words.
He was roughly her age, a bit taller and ramrod straight, not round-shouldered like her - the age thing doesn't really tell the reader anything, as we've no idea what age she is - at this stage.
"Wow!" The man said, holding a cup between his hands. - following speech tags should be lower case.
The man shook his head like a wet dog come in from a storm.- this struck me as odd. Why would he vigorously shake his head like that?
where deceased nuns silently abided.- silently is redundant here.
"Do you know there is a small Jesuit monastery adjacent to the Villa?"
Duncan said. - the speech tag should run along the same line as the dialogue rather than a separate paragraph.
failed to dispel her funk.
# - centring the character is more usual.
A feeling long unfamiliar stirred within Elvira. She shuddered, then
spoke.
"You seem pleased with your work."- you don't need a separate line for the dialogue here, it could follow straight on from the preceding tag.
I get conveying a lot through the eyes, but I think there is a slight over-reliance upon it.
"No, there's not much to tell.
I'm a widow, a retired teacher, and a grandma. I read, I walk, and I--" - all this dialogue should be in the same paragraph.
Duncan gave her a neon smile. - neon feels awkward here.
"I--I'm a terrible hostess," Elvira said.. - delete one of the periods following the tag.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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Hi there,
I liked this piece, there's a good tone to it.
I think you could go through it again and tighten a few little things up, mainly technical / structural. I made some notes as I read through-
She lifted the lid of a small garbage can and filled a metal scoop with seed. - minor this but maybe not refer to it as a garbage can as it's not one.
Just watch out for your adverb usage. It's not excessive but they sometimes come grouped close together which makes them stand out more. The adverb usage can skew toward telling over showing as they are essentially telling words.
He was roughly her age, a bit taller and ramrod straight, not round-shouldered like her - the age thing doesn't really tell the reader anything, as we've no idea what age she is - at this stage.
"Wow!" The man said, holding a cup between his hands. - following speech tags should be lower case.
The man shook his head like a wet dog come in from a storm.- this struck me as odd. Why would he vigorously shake his head like that?
where deceased nuns silently abided.- silently is redundant here.
"Do you know there is a small Jesuit monastery adjacent to the Villa?"
Duncan said. - the speech tag should run along the same line as the dialogue rather than a separate paragraph.
failed to dispel her funk.
# - centring the character is more usual.
A feeling long unfamiliar stirred within Elvira. She shuddered, then
spoke.
"You seem pleased with your work."- you don't need a separate line for the dialogue here, it could follow straight on from the preceding tag.
I get conveying a lot through the eyes, but I think there is a slight over-reliance upon it.
"No, there's not much to tell.
I'm a widow, a retired teacher, and a grandma. I read, I walk, and I--" - all this dialogue should be in the same paragraph.
Duncan gave her a neon smile. - neon feels awkward here.
"I--I'm a terrible hostess," Elvira said.. - delete one of the periods following the tag.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 16-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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GMG, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my story and go through it with a fine-toothed comb. I have reread and edited it, following your advice.
Comment from nor84
I am pledged to use the Site Guidelines found in Q&A under COMMUNITY at the top of your screen. My purpose is to help people who seek to improve their writing.
Very sweet, and perfectly done. I give it a six stars, which it deserves, a rarity for me. However I do see a couple of places where you might want to change things. Very minor.
Where it says "she shuddered then spoke, "spoke" should be right next to "then". Afterword add in the dialogue. It should all be one paragraph
where it says, his eyes rose, met hers," you need to delete "rose" because "His eyes met hers" is much more romantic.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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I am pledged to use the Site Guidelines found in Q&A under COMMUNITY at the top of your screen. My purpose is to help people who seek to improve their writing.
Very sweet, and perfectly done. I give it a six stars, which it deserves, a rarity for me. However I do see a couple of places where you might want to change things. Very minor.
Where it says "she shuddered then spoke, "spoke" should be right next to "then". Afterword add in the dialogue. It should all be one paragraph
where it says, his eyes rose, met hers," you need to delete "rose" because "His eyes met hers" is much more romantic.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2024
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I appreciate your following your pledge, and am honored to receive a 6-star rating for my story. Many thanks, too, for specifying my errors. I did fix them.