Wizard War
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Serpent And The Staff"Book Five Thirteen Kings
5 total reviews
Comment from Julie Helms
That was tense and action packed. The young wizard sure has an arsenal of tricks up her sleeve! I look forward to learning more about who she is.
My suggestions :
leaned tight against the wall, couching motionless.
(crouching)
There was a thirty-foot boa constrictor guarding the treasure horde.
(Passive construction. 'There were/was' is always a warning for that and should be avoided if possible. The sentence becomes stronger and more engaging when put into active construction: A 30-foot boa constrictor guarded the treasure horde.)
An enjoyable start to your new story!
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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That was tense and action packed. The young wizard sure has an arsenal of tricks up her sleeve! I look forward to learning more about who she is.
My suggestions :
leaned tight against the wall, couching motionless.
(crouching)
There was a thirty-foot boa constrictor guarding the treasure horde.
(Passive construction. 'There were/was' is always a warning for that and should be avoided if possible. The sentence becomes stronger and more engaging when put into active construction: A 30-foot boa constrictor guarded the treasure horde.)
An enjoyable start to your new story!
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 07-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Thank you! This one went badly. Changing horses mid-stream giddyup!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Adeleigh. Girl or boy? I recall the name from a previous read. I can see where you and I have degrees of brilliance (genius) and idiocy by the style of writing we transpose. Your brother's artwork is very good.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Adeleigh. Girl or boy? I recall the name from a previous read. I can see where you and I have degrees of brilliance (genius) and idiocy by the style of writing we transpose. Your brother's artwork is very good.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Girl!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A fantasy tale here brimming with colour and imagination in this interplay between the yellow witch and the snake. Love her ability to turn into a tiger and the description of her transformation. Also the acrobatics as they engage in this magical dance, one intent on her goal the other on preventing her from achieving it. This is a fun chapter, so far suggesting that the serpent has the edge on the witch. Nothing too gory yet! Thanks for sharing, Doug. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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A fantasy tale here brimming with colour and imagination in this interplay between the yellow witch and the snake. Love her ability to turn into a tiger and the description of her transformation. Also the acrobatics as they engage in this magical dance, one intent on her goal the other on preventing her from achieving it. This is a fun chapter, so far suggesting that the serpent has the edge on the witch. Nothing too gory yet! Thanks for sharing, Doug. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Hi Debbie. Appreciate you!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I see you are back to fantasy. Okay, I go along with it. I am guessing this young female wizard was not successful in getting the Staff of Permanency and will need to go up against this snake again. It seems a very worthy opponent. I enjoyed reading. Can't wait for round two.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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I see you are back to fantasy. Okay, I go along with it. I am guessing this young female wizard was not successful in getting the Staff of Permanency and will need to go up against this snake again. It seems a very worthy opponent. I enjoyed reading. Can't wait for round two.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Thank you! Sorry I am so far behind!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow! This was such an enjoyable read! The world you're building here feels so magical but also treacherous. You totally captured the tension of the wizard's daring attempt. The young wizard's courage was so enjoyable to read. And that ending! Amazing work!
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Wow! This was such an enjoyable read! The world you're building here feels so magical but also treacherous. You totally captured the tension of the wizard's daring attempt. The young wizard's courage was so enjoyable to read. And that ending! Amazing work!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Thank you? Kind Sir!
