The War Wreck
A little story in Southeast Asia8 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
I don't know if I agree, but most writers advise us to write what we know, and you certainly seem to know a lot about the setting of your writing. Of course, if you don't, that only makes it all the better. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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I don't know if I agree, but most writers advise us to write what we know, and you certainly seem to know a lot about the setting of your writing. Of course, if you don't, that only makes it all the better. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Thank you! It was a lot of research that poured into my story.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I enjoyed "Spelunked," and decided to check your portfolio to see what other goodies there might be. This story is quite imaginative with lots of descriptive detail, making it easy to envision each scene.
I have one small detail you may want to consider. "we would've never had taken this trip." The contraction 'would've' is short for 'would have.' That means your sentence is just a little awkward as it reads - we would have never had taken the trip.
I enjoyed the story and wish you the best in the contest.
Just a little FanStory note. There are writing clubs you can join on this site. If you click on 'SOCIAL' at the top of the main page, and scroll down to 'CLUBS,' you will see a list of clubs. One club is called 'The Little Workshop of Horrors.' I'm just letting you know a horror writer's club exists.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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I enjoyed "Spelunked," and decided to check your portfolio to see what other goodies there might be. This story is quite imaginative with lots of descriptive detail, making it easy to envision each scene.
I have one small detail you may want to consider. "we would've never had taken this trip." The contraction 'would've' is short for 'would have.' That means your sentence is just a little awkward as it reads - we would have never had taken the trip.
I enjoyed the story and wish you the best in the contest.
Just a little FanStory note. There are writing clubs you can join on this site. If you click on 'SOCIAL' at the top of the main page, and scroll down to 'CLUBS,' you will see a list of clubs. One club is called 'The Little Workshop of Horrors.' I'm just letting you know a horror writer's club exists.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Thank you for pointing that out and I just joined the Little Workshop of Horrors.
Comment from royowen
Just loved this story, one out of the box, that's the thing about imaginative writing the imagery was refreshingly different as this one is, but equally as dangerous for the guides as the ever alert seekers of bombers, beautifully written, an excellent post, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Just loved this story, one out of the box, that's the thing about imaginative writing the imagery was refreshingly different as this one is, but equally as dangerous for the guides as the ever alert seekers of bombers, beautifully written, an excellent post, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Thank you for the kind words and blessings!
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Most welcome
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nice story. well done.
If we always followed your bad feelings we would've never had taken this trip." - Needs opening quotes.
Laotian girls this time instead of men. Wonder why the change.
Best wishes and good luck with publishing.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Very nice story. well done.
If we always followed your bad feelings we would've never had taken this trip." - Needs opening quotes.
Laotian girls this time instead of men. Wonder why the change.
Best wishes and good luck with publishing.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thank you for pointing out the opening quote omission. Its corrected. Thanks again.
Comment from Nomar Chagrin
The writing was smooth and the tension was palpable. And the description was very visual. I could envision this as a movie. And I liked how the story came full circle in the end.
Just needs one more good proof read for typos, e.g.:
They wnt over the marked map of the trail, looking up original stopping points and staging area
persuit
friends were atabar
pointing pointing to spots
Chad didn't appearphased
the video camers
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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The writing was smooth and the tension was palpable. And the description was very visual. I could envision this as a movie. And I liked how the story came full circle in the end.
Just needs one more good proof read for typos, e.g.:
They wnt over the marked map of the trail, looking up original stopping points and staging area
persuit
friends were atabar
pointing pointing to spots
Chad didn't appearphased
the video camers
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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Thank you for pointing them out. Corrections have been made.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Cassandra,
You have chosen an interesting setting for your story; it makes for a change. It is certainly well paced, and the 'creature' is a good twist - the manchette - wielding guides were bad enough...and trumped!
My reservations are really around your editing and these are just a few points you might want to look at -
"They wnt over the marked..." (went)
"Hello!" they greeted. "we couldn't..." (should be a comma)
"their treks and pointing pointing to spots..." (one 'pointing' too many)
"...travelers / travellers..." (you use both spellings)
"...them a quick checkover and..." (I think 'check over' two words, or maybe check-over' hyphenated, and not one word)
"...grew more dense and moreprimeval. (I think 'denser' rather than 'more dense', but your missing a space between 'more' and 'primeval')
"Must be a B-17." Mused Chad. / "Possibly from the French Indochina war." answered Brandon. (look how in the first text you end the spoken part with a full stop and start the description (Mused) with a capital, and in the next section you end the text with a full stop but start the description (answered) with a lower-case letter. I'm not a punctuation expect, so I am not sure which is correct, but at least one of them cannot be).
"and took in the the whole wreck...." (you have an extra 'the')
"Chad didn't appearphased and was" (you need a space between 'appear' and 'phased')
"Oh come on! This..." (comma after 'Oh')
"shoved the video camers into..." (cameras)
"slithering persuit. Brandon struggled..." (pursuit)
"WE'RE THE PIGS??!!" (perhaps only one exclamation mark and no question marks)
"falling to see apit viper..." not sure if you meant 'failing' here, but certainly you need space between 'a' and 'pit')
"friends were atabar going over..." (at a bar)
"nose should've been.." (should end either one period or three (ellipsis))
As you can see, there's some tidying up here, but it can be done. For now, it distracts from your story, which I otherwise enjoyed.
I wish you well with your continued writing
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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Hello Cassandra,
You have chosen an interesting setting for your story; it makes for a change. It is certainly well paced, and the 'creature' is a good twist - the manchette - wielding guides were bad enough...and trumped!
My reservations are really around your editing and these are just a few points you might want to look at -
"They wnt over the marked..." (went)
"Hello!" they greeted. "we couldn't..." (should be a comma)
"their treks and pointing pointing to spots..." (one 'pointing' too many)
"...travelers / travellers..." (you use both spellings)
"...them a quick checkover and..." (I think 'check over' two words, or maybe check-over' hyphenated, and not one word)
"...grew more dense and moreprimeval. (I think 'denser' rather than 'more dense', but your missing a space between 'more' and 'primeval')
"Must be a B-17." Mused Chad. / "Possibly from the French Indochina war." answered Brandon. (look how in the first text you end the spoken part with a full stop and start the description (Mused) with a capital, and in the next section you end the text with a full stop but start the description (answered) with a lower-case letter. I'm not a punctuation expect, so I am not sure which is correct, but at least one of them cannot be).
"and took in the the whole wreck...." (you have an extra 'the')
"Chad didn't appearphased and was" (you need a space between 'appear' and 'phased')
"Oh come on! This..." (comma after 'Oh')
"shoved the video camers into..." (cameras)
"slithering persuit. Brandon struggled..." (pursuit)
"WE'RE THE PIGS??!!" (perhaps only one exclamation mark and no question marks)
"falling to see apit viper..." not sure if you meant 'failing' here, but certainly you need space between 'a' and 'pit')
"friends were atabar going over..." (at a bar)
"nose should've been.." (should end either one period or three (ellipsis))
As you can see, there's some tidying up here, but it can be done. For now, it distracts from your story, which I otherwise enjoyed.
I wish you well with your continued writing
cheers
phill
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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Thank you for sharing! Will go over the story again.
Comment from DonandVicki
I found a typo in paragraph two; They wnt,(went). Otherwise I found your story engaging. I especially enjoyed this line: "The two picked up the pace, finally arriving at their wreck-an ancient, overgrown two engine bomber."
I found a wrecked plane on Diego Garcia many years ago.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2024
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I found a typo in paragraph two; They wnt,(went). Otherwise I found your story engaging. I especially enjoyed this line: "The two picked up the pace, finally arriving at their wreck-an ancient, overgrown two engine bomber."
I found a wrecked plane on Diego Garcia many years ago.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2024
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Cool! Thank you for sharing!
Comment from lancellot
You have a good story for the contest. The main issues are twofold.
1) additional editing is needed.
2) The story is heavy on the telling, and light on the showing.
notes:
They {wnt} over the marked map of the trail,
-went
"we couldn't help but hear that you are travelling the Ho Chi Minh Trail." said the
-"We couldn't help but hear that you are travelling the Ho Chi Minh Trail," said the
"For a small fee we could take you." offered Mr. Nouhak.
-"For a small fee we could take you," offered Mr. Nouhak.
Mr. Nouhak grew serious and grabbing his friend to carry him out quickly excused themselves.
-rewrite this line
"Drunk. He's just drunk." answered Chad.
-"Drunk. He's just drunk," answered Chad.
"Must be a B-17." Mused Chad.
-"Must be a B-17," mused Chad.
"Possibly from the French Indochina war." answered Brandon.
-"Possibly from the French Indochina war," answered Brandon.
"Oh come on! This is what we came for and you wanna go back?! What's wrong with you?!["]
-add
["]If we always followed your bad feelings, we would've never had taken this trip."
-add
and falling to see {apit} viper slithering toward him.
- a pit
A month later, a small group of friends were {atabar} going over their plans
-at a bar
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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You have a good story for the contest. The main issues are twofold.
1) additional editing is needed.
2) The story is heavy on the telling, and light on the showing.
notes:
They {wnt} over the marked map of the trail,
-went
"we couldn't help but hear that you are travelling the Ho Chi Minh Trail." said the
-"We couldn't help but hear that you are travelling the Ho Chi Minh Trail," said the
"For a small fee we could take you." offered Mr. Nouhak.
-"For a small fee we could take you," offered Mr. Nouhak.
Mr. Nouhak grew serious and grabbing his friend to carry him out quickly excused themselves.
-rewrite this line
"Drunk. He's just drunk." answered Chad.
-"Drunk. He's just drunk," answered Chad.
"Must be a B-17." Mused Chad.
-"Must be a B-17," mused Chad.
"Possibly from the French Indochina war." answered Brandon.
-"Possibly from the French Indochina war," answered Brandon.
"Oh come on! This is what we came for and you wanna go back?! What's wrong with you?!["]
-add
["]If we always followed your bad feelings, we would've never had taken this trip."
-add
and falling to see {apit} viper slithering toward him.
- a pit
A month later, a small group of friends were {atabar} going over their plans
-at a bar
Comment Written 10-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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Thank you for catching those.I was using the library's computer and was pressed for time.