Life's Lesson
but they are just words, right?23 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Wow, Carol!
I have to admit that your protagonist didn't strike me as totally righteous in his actions. I'm not sure if you were going for reader sympathy for the narrator, but if so, I didn't feel very much. Let me put it this way: if you had shown more examples of his dad beating him or mistreating him in some way, then I would understand his coldness when his father died. As it is, I sense the narrator as a bit of an anti-hero (much like many of mine *laughs*). Not that there is anything at all wrong with that. I just wasn't sure if it was your intention to make us sympathetic to him.
Random Thoughts:
---:around the oak tree -- at least, that's what I saw when I closed my eyes." --Em dashes! Yay! I see a few in this story! Had you ever used them before I suggested them? I love them. I use them all the time in my writing.
---"He tripped -- or maybe I pushed him. I've never been sure." --This is good writing. This is an authentic description of what our minds do during traumatic events like this.
One thing:
---"It's for the best" wasn't just something I heard when big things happened.
In fourth grade, I spent all night making a poster for class president, but Mrs. Hawk suggested Tommy, a straight-A student, would be a better fit. Dad agreed and said, "It's probably for the best." --I pulled out this entire paragraph for formatting reasons. On my screen, there is a double space between each of these lines. It may be occurring because of the way italicized phrases seem to increase in size. I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but just in case, what I do is if my text is size 20, I make my italicized bits size 18. It makes everything look right.
Thank you for entering the contest! This certainly did take quite a dark turn at the end. I liked it a lot, just wasn't sure what you were going for. If it was to paint the narrator as a bit selfish, then you succeeded in that. He actually acted quite a bit like a blossoming psychopath! You should consider writing a sequel to his story at some point, if the proper prompt presents itself. Don't forget him! He has potential!
Patrick
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2024
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Wow, Carol!
I have to admit that your protagonist didn't strike me as totally righteous in his actions. I'm not sure if you were going for reader sympathy for the narrator, but if so, I didn't feel very much. Let me put it this way: if you had shown more examples of his dad beating him or mistreating him in some way, then I would understand his coldness when his father died. As it is, I sense the narrator as a bit of an anti-hero (much like many of mine *laughs*). Not that there is anything at all wrong with that. I just wasn't sure if it was your intention to make us sympathetic to him.
Random Thoughts:
---:around the oak tree -- at least, that's what I saw when I closed my eyes." --Em dashes! Yay! I see a few in this story! Had you ever used them before I suggested them? I love them. I use them all the time in my writing.
---"He tripped -- or maybe I pushed him. I've never been sure." --This is good writing. This is an authentic description of what our minds do during traumatic events like this.
One thing:
---"It's for the best" wasn't just something I heard when big things happened.
In fourth grade, I spent all night making a poster for class president, but Mrs. Hawk suggested Tommy, a straight-A student, would be a better fit. Dad agreed and said, "It's probably for the best." --I pulled out this entire paragraph for formatting reasons. On my screen, there is a double space between each of these lines. It may be occurring because of the way italicized phrases seem to increase in size. I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but just in case, what I do is if my text is size 20, I make my italicized bits size 18. It makes everything look right.
Thank you for entering the contest! This certainly did take quite a dark turn at the end. I liked it a lot, just wasn't sure what you were going for. If it was to paint the narrator as a bit selfish, then you succeeded in that. He actually acted quite a bit like a blossoming psychopath! You should consider writing a sequel to his story at some point, if the proper prompt presents itself. Don't forget him! He has potential!
Patrick
Comment Written 25-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2024
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Good day, Patrick!
Your first sentence - I have to admit that your protagonist didn't strike me as totally righteous in his actions. My reaction - is anyone totally righteous?
The basis of the story came from hearing my father say.."There's no such word as can't" regardless of what was happening in my life. I shivered every time I heard it...now I didn't end up killing him, though there were times evil thoughts slipped acrossed my lips. When my father passed, they were transferring him from one bed to the other and he stared at me and said "something is not right"...like I was suppose to fix it. I couldn't and he passed.... That moment haunts me because of his saying about Can't! Anyhow that's how the story evolved in my mind. Maybe I'm a little crazy too!
thanks for the comments and support. Appreciate as always.
Smiles, Carol
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I think my thoughts concerning my lack of sympathy has something to do with the fact that your narrator actually caused his father's death. And also his reaction afterwards. He seemed callous and devoid of any remorse or love that we typically have for our parents, even if his dad was hard on him. You situation you described with your own father is not the same. You were helpless and felt remorse up to this day. I hope you understand what I mean. 😊
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well done and a great entry for this unusual contest! Thanx so much for sharing with all of us (and keeping the reader on the edge) -- keep up the ideas! :)
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2024
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Well done and a great entry for this unusual contest! Thanx so much for sharing with all of us (and keeping the reader on the edge) -- keep up the ideas! :)
Comment Written 25-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2024
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I greatly appreciate it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Julie Helms
This IS a chilling account of such carelessness towards a child, which the child then learns. It's heartbreaking.
You have a computer gremlin near the end:
I don't know how long I stayed frozen, but in the silence, those words the ones that had haunted me
(I had to remove it or it wouldn't let me post the reply)
A well-written, excellent entry for the prompt!
Julie
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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This IS a chilling account of such carelessness towards a child, which the child then learns. It's heartbreaking.
You have a computer gremlin near the end:
I don't know how long I stayed frozen, but in the silence, those words the ones that had haunted me
(I had to remove it or it wouldn't let me post the reply)
A well-written, excellent entry for the prompt!
Julie
Comment Written 22-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Thanks for enjoying and for the comments...And the gremlin (I kicked it out).
Have a great day!
Comment from CD Richards
I'm not 100% sure I've picked up on "the secret". Is it that he is now thinking, but not speaking, the words taught to him by his hard-hearted father, and so, in a sense has become him?
In any case, I think it's a fine tale, and the twist which develops is quite pleasing. I found the varying sentence sizes, the word choices and the general tone of the piece most enjoyable. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2024
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I'm not 100% sure I've picked up on "the secret". Is it that he is now thinking, but not speaking, the words taught to him by his hard-hearted father, and so, in a sense has become him?
In any case, I think it's a fine tale, and the twist which develops is quite pleasing. I found the varying sentence sizes, the word choices and the general tone of the piece most enjoyable. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2024
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Part of the secret was Patches and Grandpa...nobody ever investigated when Dad said "it's for the best." So when the father was dying on the floor...all he knew was to say, "It's for the best." Strange what small simple things can change our entire life and we don't know it. Have a great day!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is quite a story about domestic abuse and sweet revenge. We reap what we sow in life and being kind costs nothing and yet people would rather be aggressive and hurtful and then wonder why life isn't treating them well. Your story is inventive well written and your repeated few words resonated throughout as the tables eventually turned. A winner for the contest. Love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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This is quite a story about domestic abuse and sweet revenge. We reap what we sow in life and being kind costs nothing and yet people would rather be aggressive and hurtful and then wonder why life isn't treating them well. Your story is inventive well written and your repeated few words resonated throughout as the tables eventually turned. A winner for the contest. Love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 22-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Wow! Thanks,Dolly. I certainly appreciate your kindness and your understanding of where this story was coming from. Thank you so much. Your review and comments are greatly appreciated. Have a great day!
Comment from cupa tea
This is really a good well written story. Makes me think that it's a true story. I see nothing to correct. Very emotional. Makes me feel so very sorry for the dog.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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This is really a good well written story. Makes me think that it's a true story. I see nothing to correct. Very emotional. Makes me feel so very sorry for the dog.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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That was very intuitive of you! The story isn't mine, but the emotions behind it are. Thank you for understanding and for feeling the anxiety and tension. I certainly appreciate your review and the stars. Have a great day!
Comment from Brenda Strauser
This was an excellent story. It was very imaginative and creative. I'm assuming it was not true. I liked the way it ended. The examples you gave with :it is for the best were very good. Well written.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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This was an excellent story. It was very imaginative and creative. I'm assuming it was not true. I liked the way it ended. The examples you gave with :it is for the best were very good. Well written.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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The emotions and tension came from a long ago reality but the story was not true. I appreciate yur kindness and comments, Brenda. Have a great day!
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
You had me from the beginning and kept me in suspense until the very end. I liked the way you used bold font to bring home the point you were making and the way he used the term in his final life lesson to his dad. I loved it and I have a 6 left this week. Well done!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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You had me from the beginning and kept me in suspense until the very end. I liked the way you used bold font to bring home the point you were making and the way he used the term in his final life lesson to his dad. I loved it and I have a 6 left this week. Well done!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Alright, Marilyn! Your kind words and glittery stars have put a smile on my face. How awesome of you! Glad you enjoyed the story.
Oops...almost signed it!
Comment from mermaids
This is a well written story that held my interest which is rare for prose. I feel for this young man and his abusive father. The ending surprised me and I felt that the young man could now have a happy life. Your chilling secret was perfect and fit the story.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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This is a well written story that held my interest which is rare for prose. I feel for this young man and his abusive father. The ending surprised me and I felt that the young man could now have a happy life. Your chilling secret was perfect and fit the story.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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The story draws much of its emotions and tension from real life, even though the storyline is fiction. I am grateful that you enjoyed the story and could see how he hoped to have a new beginning in life.
Have a great day!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. It's a strong entry. I could feel the emotion and hear those words, "It's for the best." echoing. This is a very good write.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. It's a strong entry. I could feel the emotion and hear those words, "It's for the best." echoing. This is a very good write.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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I can hear those words echoing too! The emotions and tension come from past memories, but the storyline had a life of it's own. Thank you for reading and enjoying. Have a great day!