A Brighter Tomorrow
Giving the Unexpected...23 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a really good story, definitely one to catch the eyes of the contest voters. Henry certainly did go the extra mile to provide Susan with a new baby when the old one was worn out from loving. It is also very publishable. I am loading you with my comments because I have been gone on vacation and it really is easier to critique chapters when they are read one after the other.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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This is a really good story, definitely one to catch the eyes of the contest voters. Henry certainly did go the extra mile to provide Susan with a new baby when the old one was worn out from loving. It is also very publishable. I am loading you with my comments because I have been gone on vacation and it really is easier to critique chapters when they are read one after the other.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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Hope you had a great vacation because you came back roaring into the chapters. I feel so blessed for all your time and the reviews. Thank you so much.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from lyenochka
It seems that Henry did go the extra mile! I am glad that such a future doctor would be so compassionate. It's hard to keep that level of compassion as one becomes used to working the long hours day after day. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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It seems that Henry did go the extra mile! I am glad that such a future doctor would be so compassionate. It's hard to keep that level of compassion as one becomes used to working the long hours day after day. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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Luckily, for me, I can imagine a world where things are how we wish they would be.... compassion and kindness for all.
Thank you so much, Helen. I appreciat the review.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hi Carol!
I can't BELIEVE how prolific you are with your posts, Carol! You turn out refined and quality stories almost every day! This one is no exception. You did a great job with the prompt. I can see how you applied it, showing how Henry "went the extra mile" by getting Susan a new baby instead of using the old one. You paint a great scene for this story, showing this "charade" the sanitarium is putting on to ease Susan's way through her psychological malady.
Some Random Thoughts:
---"In the distance, the sanitarium stood like a forgotten sentinel" --What an incredible simile you use here! It really show that the sanitarium has been there a long time, but also implies that it watched over something as a "sentinel," probably the patients.
---"Susan whimpered, begging, "Take me, too! I want to go, too." --This was hard on the heart! Poor Susan!
Here are a couple things you can look into:
---"Untouched [but] the final resting place of old memories." --I wasn't sure if you meant "but" here or "by." If it is in fact "but," there should be a comma after "Untouched." If it's "by," then no comma is needed.
---"a flash of his sister's best friend, hysterical with grief when her baby was stillborn, struck a chord, but his face remained a mask of calm." --I wanted to talk to about em dashes. I don't think I have ever seen any in your writing. Like commas and parentheses, em dashes set off extra information, such as examples, explanatory or descriptive phrases, or supplemental facts. They are not necessary, but they can be used as an alternative to commas and semicolons. Let me show you what I mean, and you can decide if you like it:
"a flash of his sister's best friend--hysterical with grief when her baby was stillborn--struck a chord, but his face remained a mask of calm."
You can use the em dashes here in place of the comma. It helps to get rid of some of the commas, because too many can be a little annoying visually to the reader.
Excellent job, Carol, as I've come to expect! Good luck in the contest!
Patrick
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Hi Carol!
I can't BELIEVE how prolific you are with your posts, Carol! You turn out refined and quality stories almost every day! This one is no exception. You did a great job with the prompt. I can see how you applied it, showing how Henry "went the extra mile" by getting Susan a new baby instead of using the old one. You paint a great scene for this story, showing this "charade" the sanitarium is putting on to ease Susan's way through her psychological malady.
Some Random Thoughts:
---"In the distance, the sanitarium stood like a forgotten sentinel" --What an incredible simile you use here! It really show that the sanitarium has been there a long time, but also implies that it watched over something as a "sentinel," probably the patients.
---"Susan whimpered, begging, "Take me, too! I want to go, too." --This was hard on the heart! Poor Susan!
Here are a couple things you can look into:
---"Untouched [but] the final resting place of old memories." --I wasn't sure if you meant "but" here or "by." If it is in fact "but," there should be a comma after "Untouched." If it's "by," then no comma is needed.
---"a flash of his sister's best friend, hysterical with grief when her baby was stillborn, struck a chord, but his face remained a mask of calm." --I wanted to talk to about em dashes. I don't think I have ever seen any in your writing. Like commas and parentheses, em dashes set off extra information, such as examples, explanatory or descriptive phrases, or supplemental facts. They are not necessary, but they can be used as an alternative to commas and semicolons. Let me show you what I mean, and you can decide if you like it:
"a flash of his sister's best friend--hysterical with grief when her baby was stillborn--struck a chord, but his face remained a mask of calm."
You can use the em dashes here in place of the comma. It helps to get rid of some of the commas, because too many can be a little annoying visually to the reader.
Excellent job, Carol, as I've come to expect! Good luck in the contest!
Patrick
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Sorry I am so far behind, Patrick. I do appreciate all your time and thoughts. I somehow have 56 reviews to answer...not that I am complaining, but it takes so much time.... You are awesome and so on point with your suggetions...must be the teacher in you!
Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome, Carol!
Comment from prettybluebirds
You had me until the end. When you mentioned a pet cemetery, I thought perhaps he was burying a cat or dog of Susan's that had died. Beautiful writing. I wish you the best in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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You had me until the end. When you mentioned a pet cemetery, I thought perhaps he was burying a cat or dog of Susan's that had died. Beautiful writing. I wish you the best in the contest.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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Wow! Hello, April! Thanks for the glittery stars and for enjoying this story. I used a pet cemetery because I doubted a nursing home would let people be buried on the property....and it shifted the reader's mind for a moment. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I broke my iron clad rule. I gave you a second six for this week.
amazing, awesome, articulate, beautiful, delicate, wafting, a hard hit to the heart, engaging, glorius, marvelous, consuming, a warm blanket for the soul. I could keep going all day. I am in love with your sheer talent. You have become my absolute favorite. I bow to my queen. I am not big on adjectives in my stories, but you are worth every good thing I can think of. However, The bathroom is calling my name rather loudly. Love you, Karen
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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I broke my iron clad rule. I gave you a second six for this week.
amazing, awesome, articulate, beautiful, delicate, wafting, a hard hit to the heart, engaging, glorius, marvelous, consuming, a warm blanket for the soul. I could keep going all day. I am in love with your sheer talent. You have become my absolute favorite. I bow to my queen. I am not big on adjectives in my stories, but you are worth every good thing I can think of. However, The bathroom is calling my name rather loudly. Love you, Karen
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2024
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What can I say, my sweet friend! I have never ever had someone say so many awesome things about me in my lifetime. I'm stunned! And tears are rolling down my face...thank you seems so little for so much. I am blessed!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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You are welcome. Everett placed third in Contest you can read it now. One more in contest, And just released non contest "serial Daters" Karen
Comment from Ulla
Hi Carol, this is such a bittersweet story. She has all but lost her mind but he is so sweet towards her, letting her stay with her beliefs. All the best in the contest. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Hi Carol, this is such a bittersweet story. She has all but lost her mind but he is so sweet towards her, letting her stay with her beliefs. All the best in the contest. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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You should write something for this one, Ulla. I know you would be good at it. Thank you for your kindness with my entry. I needed some warm fuzzies after scaring myself to death with the other one. LOL
Smiles, Carol
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I'm actually working on it at the moment. See if I can pull it off. Lol xx
Comment from BethShelby
This is really touching story. Carol. It is so sad when people lose their memory but when caring people go the extra mile to make life bearable for them, they are the real heroes.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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This is really touching story. Carol. It is so sad when people lose their memory but when caring people go the extra mile to make life bearable for them, they are the real heroes.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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You should write a story, Beth and join the contest. I know you can do a good job and it's not blind so you will be able to let people know you wrote something. Thanks for reading this one.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sadly, there isn't always a "brighter tomorrow," but we must do all we can to to brighten up someone's experiences today, if we can. A simple smile is often all it takes, and even if we aren't in person, they can find it in our words or feel it through a phone. Just keep smiling! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Sadly, there isn't always a "brighter tomorrow," but we must do all we can to to brighten up someone's experiences today, if we can. A simple smile is often all it takes, and even if we aren't in person, they can find it in our words or feel it through a phone. Just keep smiling! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Yes, everyone knows that someday...the light's going to go dim and then burn out. But for now, I can be hopeful that we all have plenty of brighter tomorrows yet to come. I hope I make your day a little bit better like you make mine. Thank you as always.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Carol,
This is a sweet, sad, and endearing poem with a happy ending. When I was hospitalized almost thirty years ago, I had to leave my toy poodle with my mom and dad. I spent time there missing my dog, Mindy, obsessing over her, until I walked the grounds, and people from neighboring towns walked their dogs every day there. I found comfort in those other dogs --of various sizes and colors -- because their owners were willing to let me pet their canines, in Mindy's stead.
Your story reminded me of that time.
Your excellent story shows that some people really do care for others, allaying pain.
Best wishes and hugs, Carol,
Cindy
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Carol,
This is a sweet, sad, and endearing poem with a happy ending. When I was hospitalized almost thirty years ago, I had to leave my toy poodle with my mom and dad. I spent time there missing my dog, Mindy, obsessing over her, until I walked the grounds, and people from neighboring towns walked their dogs every day there. I found comfort in those other dogs --of various sizes and colors -- because their owners were willing to let me pet their canines, in Mindy's stead.
Your story reminded me of that time.
Your excellent story shows that some people really do care for others, allaying pain.
Best wishes and hugs, Carol,
Cindy
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thanks, Cindy! That's why I wanted to post this contest...I think we need more "warm fuzzy feelings" and moments to care about others instead of ourselves all th time. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Also, it was nice that you could share other's pups while you were away from Mindy.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Jacob1395
I could really feel the emotion in this piece, Carol, and Henry certainly seems like a nice genuine person. The character's came through really strongly. Good luck in the writing prompt.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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I could really feel the emotion in this piece, Carol, and Henry certainly seems like a nice genuine person. The character's came through really strongly. Good luck in the writing prompt.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Jacob! My whole intent was to draw the reader in, open their heart, and leave them feeling good at the end. I appreciate your thoughts and the review.
Smiles, Carol