All Awash
Sometimes experience trumps youth.28 total reviews
Comment from Esther Brown
Enjoyed that Grandpa. My hubby Gary has lots of Grandpa stories about our sweet Munchkin we lost at age 7...I am putting them on the site one by one as I get inspired. You inspired me...smiling Esther
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Enjoyed that Grandpa. My hubby Gary has lots of Grandpa stories about our sweet Munchkin we lost at age 7...I am putting them on the site one by one as I get inspired. You inspired me...smiling Esther
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Esther,
Thanks for the review. Glad you enjoyed the read and that it inspired you. I am flattered. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
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After I read your post I wrote "Grandpa are we There YET?
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Lol. Yes the universal call from young grandchildren. Have a great day.
Comment from Harambe Unchained
[rating revised up after edits made by author]
This is a good entry in the contest, in need of some editing.
Picture alignment: I suggest going to the advanced settings at the bottom of the editor and setting the image to small. Rather than making the image small, this will wrap your text starting under the picture, instead of awkwardly to the right of it.
Light went to night. <= "went" is a weak verb. I suggest "turned".
and a deluge began. <= to introduce variety in this sentence, consider "followed by a deluge"
My grandson looked up to me. <= to avoid the connotation that he admired you, rather than was literally looking at you, I suggest "looked up AT me"
Gobsmacked is one word.
Use double line breaks instead of single line breaks. It will make it much easier to read, and make it seem like you packed more content into your 82 words.
"What just happened grandpa?" <= add a comma after HAPPENED, and capitalize Grandpa, since you aren't any grandpa, but HIS Grandpa, which makes it a proper noun (just like a name).
"Seems as though we are trapped." his voice uncertain. <= HIS needs to be capitalized if you have a period. But I suggest this instead:
"Seems as though we are trapped," he said uncertainly.
I have docked one star for all the edits suggested, and if you implement them and message me back, I'll bump this up to a five. This is a good, dry humor grandfather story and a worthy entry in the contest. Thanks for the read!
🦍
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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[rating revised up after edits made by author]
This is a good entry in the contest, in need of some editing.
Picture alignment: I suggest going to the advanced settings at the bottom of the editor and setting the image to small. Rather than making the image small, this will wrap your text starting under the picture, instead of awkwardly to the right of it.
Light went to night. <= "went" is a weak verb. I suggest "turned".
and a deluge began. <= to introduce variety in this sentence, consider "followed by a deluge"
My grandson looked up to me. <= to avoid the connotation that he admired you, rather than was literally looking at you, I suggest "looked up AT me"
Gobsmacked is one word.
Use double line breaks instead of single line breaks. It will make it much easier to read, and make it seem like you packed more content into your 82 words.
"What just happened grandpa?" <= add a comma after HAPPENED, and capitalize Grandpa, since you aren't any grandpa, but HIS Grandpa, which makes it a proper noun (just like a name).
"Seems as though we are trapped." his voice uncertain. <= HIS needs to be capitalized if you have a period. But I suggest this instead:
"Seems as though we are trapped," he said uncertainly.
I have docked one star for all the edits suggested, and if you implement them and message me back, I'll bump this up to a five. This is a good, dry humor grandfather story and a worthy entry in the contest. Thanks for the read!
🦍
Comment Written 31-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much for your review. Also, for your suggestions as to improvement. I will consider them all. Glad you enjoyed the read.
Take care and a wonderful day. I will get back to you should I make the amendments as suggested. Thanks again.
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You have made enough of the edits (just one technical error remains: starting a sentence without a capital letter) that I have bumped it up a star. 🦍
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oh Thanks. Have a good day.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This story started with a serious note as your words drew us into a tragedy only to find out it was a simple task of washing the car, I loved the drama in this post, well written and clever Barry, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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This story started with a serious note as your words drew us into a tragedy only to find out it was a simple task of washing the car, I loved the drama in this post, well written and clever Barry, love Dolly x
Comment Written 31-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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Dolly,
Thanks so much for your review. I am glad you enjoyed the read and the twist at the end. Keep well and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Haha! I bet your grandson was glued to his phone as you entered the car wash! But you certainly kept your reader guessing, believing it to be a thunderstorm or tornado (as your cunning visual suggested:)) Great twist at the end and a well structured little story in such an economic word count. Well done and good luck, Barry! Debbie
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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Haha! I bet your grandson was glued to his phone as you entered the car wash! But you certainly kept your reader guessing, believing it to be a thunderstorm or tornado (as your cunning visual suggested:)) Great twist at the end and a well structured little story in such an economic word count. Well done and good luck, Barry! Debbie
Comment Written 30-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much Debbie for your review. Glad you enjoyed it and got a laugh from the twist at the end. Thanks for noting my cunning use of the image. you are only the second person to mention it.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh my gosh, Barry, that's excellent flash fiction!! I love the way the grandpa seems to wise and comforting, which is important, by the way, and it all being about a car wash. Some people may not feel a kid could be that terrified, but my granddaughter is!! She's absolutely terrified of car washed and she's three. Maybe you should be the one in the car with her, lol.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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Oh my gosh, Barry, that's excellent flash fiction!! I love the way the grandpa seems to wise and comforting, which is important, by the way, and it all being about a car wash. Some people may not feel a kid could be that terrified, but my granddaughter is!! She's absolutely terrified of car washed and she's three. Maybe you should be the one in the car with her, lol.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 29-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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Rhonda,
Thanks so much for your great review. Yes, a Car Wash can be pretty frightening for some children and animals. Perhaps I could hire myself out as a Car Wash Calmer lol. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry
Comment from LJbutterfly
I just finished watching an update on TV of the Israel-Hamas war. With that in the back of my mind, I looked at your artwork and began reading your story. "a deluge began," led me to believe you might be describing grandpa and his grandson in a war zone. Haha! Wrong! It was just an ordinary old car wash. Great story with a twist at the end. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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I just finished watching an update on TV of the Israel-Hamas war. With that in the back of my mind, I looked at your artwork and began reading your story. "a deluge began," led me to believe you might be describing grandpa and his grandson in a war zone. Haha! Wrong! It was just an ordinary old car wash. Great story with a twist at the end. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much for your review. So glad that you enjoyed the read. At least you got a smile out of it. We all need more of those. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Harry Craft
Cool! A really good poem. And I thought it was going to be a thunderstorm but it was a car wash! That was very cool how you were able to make that happen that way. Great poem! Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2024
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Cool! A really good poem. And I thought it was going to be a thunderstorm but it was a car wash! That was very cool how you were able to make that happen that way. Great poem! Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2024
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Harry,
Thanks so much for your review. I am glad you enjoyed the read. Yes, a car wash can produce a lot of fun. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
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LOL! Yes, Barry it can.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I love the word bemused: "Bemused" oh this is so funny, Barry... You had the reader going really well here I thought maybe it was a tornado and that's what you probably wanted us to think it was a great job. I like how you had the perspective of the child too.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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I love the word bemused: "Bemused" oh this is so funny, Barry... You had the reader going really well here I thought maybe it was a tornado and that's what you probably wanted us to think it was a great job. I like how you had the perspective of the child too.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Linda,
Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Yes, I did want you to think it was a storm or tornado. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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Good job
Comment from RodG
A delightful tale involving the generation gap. I like how you set the scene with light going off and a deluge beginning. Good use of dialog to characterize Grandpa (who knows all) and grandson. And a wonderful surprise ending. Rod
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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A delightful tale involving the generation gap. I like how you set the scene with light going off and a deluge beginning. Good use of dialog to characterize Grandpa (who knows all) and grandson. And a wonderful surprise ending. Rod
Comment Written 24-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Rod,
Thanks for your review. I am glad you enjoyed the story. Yes, Grandpa does know all -well sometimes. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from jenintorre
I really enjoyed reading your 80 word flash fiction. It had a good surprise ending. I didn't suspect that.
I think this a really good entry for the competition.
Good luck and best wishes. Jen.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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I really enjoyed reading your 80 word flash fiction. It had a good surprise ending. I didn't suspect that.
I think this a really good entry for the competition.
Good luck and best wishes. Jen.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Jen,
Thanks for your kind review. Glad you enjoyed the read and got a surprise at the end. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
