His Silence
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "His Silence - Chapter Three"Why did a 14 year old boy murder his parents?
10 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is very well written and sucked me in as a reader quite easily. This is about a huge secret, and I want to know the answer. I presume Danielle is a girl by the spelling of her name. There is one sentence that is rather awkward to understand--I'm not bothered for cake just yet. Why not, I'm not hungry for cake just yet or something like that.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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This is very well written and sucked me in as a reader quite easily. This is about a huge secret, and I want to know the answer. I presume Danielle is a girl by the spelling of her name. There is one sentence that is rather awkward to understand--I'm not bothered for cake just yet. Why not, I'm not hungry for cake just yet or something like that.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you Carol, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This brings up a mystery for the reader: "They're only eight and mischievous as hell, but sometimes I envy the life they've got, it's something I'll never be able to have. At least when they go to school, they won't have everyone staring at them and whispering about them behind their back. They've got a normal life ahead of them." more mystery: "Callum frowns at me. 'Danielle, do you seriously think he knows something about what happened to your family?' Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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This brings up a mystery for the reader: "They're only eight and mischievous as hell, but sometimes I envy the life they've got, it's something I'll never be able to have. At least when they go to school, they won't have everyone staring at them and whispering about them behind their back. They've got a normal life ahead of them." more mystery: "Callum frowns at me. 'Danielle, do you seriously think he knows something about what happened to your family?' Well done.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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Thank you Liz, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
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I do enjoy your writing
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This chapter builds a new layer of curiosity within the reader, as to what could have motivated her brother, Harvey, to kill them years before. You are adding more layers of characterization and motivation as we go in this long story/novel.
Someone else already gave quite a few little fixes, and here is one:
holding onto a half empty bottle of Peroni.
I would go ahead and put a hyphen between half and empty.
Being a non-drinker, I had to look up what Peroni was.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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This chapter builds a new layer of curiosity within the reader, as to what could have motivated her brother, Harvey, to kill them years before. You are adding more layers of characterization and motivation as we go in this long story/novel.
Someone else already gave quite a few little fixes, and here is one:
holding onto a half empty bottle of Peroni.
I would go ahead and put a hyphen between half and empty.
Being a non-drinker, I had to look up what Peroni was.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Begin Again
Danielle is torn between learning to live in the present and wanting to know about the past. It's a difficult decision, wondering if you open the sealed box what ghosts might end up terrorizing your life. Somethings are better left unanswered, but is that true for Danielle? Great job!
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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Danielle is torn between learning to live in the present and wanting to know about the past. It's a difficult decision, wondering if you open the sealed box what ghosts might end up terrorizing your life. Somethings are better left unanswered, but is that true for Danielle? Great job!
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 09-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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Thank you Carol, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
It's so difficult for Danielle. She's moved on with a new family but has to know the truth of what happened to her parents, what must seem like a lifetime ago. Your excellent, imaginative story is advancing well, Jacob, with plenty of curiosity and anticipation about what will transpire from the meeting with Harvey. Small edit - indoors (2 words joined). Thanks for sharing. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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It's so difficult for Danielle. She's moved on with a new family but has to know the truth of what happened to her parents, what must seem like a lifetime ago. Your excellent, imaginative story is advancing well, Jacob, with plenty of curiosity and anticipation about what will transpire from the meeting with Harvey. Small edit - indoors (2 words joined). Thanks for sharing. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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Thank you Debbie, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Neonewman
This is an excellent addition to the last chapter, Jacob. I am intrigued and will continue to read this story, my friend. It's progressing nicely. I need to know what the reporter or whoever he is knows. This is a compelling chapter.
If you don't mind, I would like to make a suggestion. I'm no editor by any means. You won't hurt my feelings if you are not interested-
I spot Callum pulling funny faces at me(,) and I have to force myself not (to) laugh.
I blow the candles, counting all twenty-six of them before I do; there's a chorus of claps and cheers, ( no comma necessary here)
I glance over my shoulder (on the way out), but- I don't think you need the on the way out, your readers already know they're heading to the harder.
The Great British Bake Off years ago, - the comma is not necessary here.
I grit my teeth as my aunt's kids, Milo and Niall head out after us, but they're too preoccupied with their sticks they're using as swords, to worry about we're up to.
I would re-write the above as follows-
I grit my teeth as my aunt's kids, Milo and Niall, head out after us, but they're too preoccupied with the sticks they're using as swords to worry about what we're up to. Jacob, please remember these are only suggestions.
They're only eight(,) comma not needed) and mischievous as hell,
At least when they go to school(comma after school) they won't have everyone staring at them(,) no comma here) and whispering about them behind their
'You better not be making me miss out on cake, you know chocolate fudge is my favor(u)rite,' Callum says -should be favorite.
but every time he brings up the subject( add comma after subject" Mum tells him no, and says
'Oh(, comma) Mum will save us some(comma) I'm sure, well(comma) she'll definitely save me some, but you can have it(, no comma needed) if you want.'
then the rest of them are gonna come knocking(comma) and they won't leave you alone.
I'm sure, or perhaps she's just happy they're keeping themselves occupied and not causing any problems in doors. -indoors, one word.
I'm sitting on Harvey's lap on his bed; we used to share a room, from what I can remember, when we were very young.-Maybe rewrite this way--I'm sitting on Harvey's lap on his bed; from what I can remember, we used to share a room when we were very young.
thinking of Harvey(no comma needed) and what he did.
Perhaps knowing the truth might be worse,(I would add a period here and capitalize It) it might make you angrier.
I'm sure if he's desperate to tell me something(need comma here) then
a (half empty) bottle of Peron- half-empty
'Of course I will(comma here) Callum, you're my best friend.
Part of me thought(, comma not needed) when I contacted Harvey earlier this year, and he refused me yet
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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This is an excellent addition to the last chapter, Jacob. I am intrigued and will continue to read this story, my friend. It's progressing nicely. I need to know what the reporter or whoever he is knows. This is a compelling chapter.
If you don't mind, I would like to make a suggestion. I'm no editor by any means. You won't hurt my feelings if you are not interested-
I spot Callum pulling funny faces at me(,) and I have to force myself not (to) laugh.
I blow the candles, counting all twenty-six of them before I do; there's a chorus of claps and cheers, ( no comma necessary here)
I glance over my shoulder (on the way out), but- I don't think you need the on the way out, your readers already know they're heading to the harder.
The Great British Bake Off years ago, - the comma is not necessary here.
I grit my teeth as my aunt's kids, Milo and Niall head out after us, but they're too preoccupied with their sticks they're using as swords, to worry about we're up to.
I would re-write the above as follows-
I grit my teeth as my aunt's kids, Milo and Niall, head out after us, but they're too preoccupied with the sticks they're using as swords to worry about what we're up to. Jacob, please remember these are only suggestions.
They're only eight(,) comma not needed) and mischievous as hell,
At least when they go to school(comma after school) they won't have everyone staring at them(,) no comma here) and whispering about them behind their
'You better not be making me miss out on cake, you know chocolate fudge is my favor(u)rite,' Callum says -should be favorite.
but every time he brings up the subject( add comma after subject" Mum tells him no, and says
'Oh(, comma) Mum will save us some(comma) I'm sure, well(comma) she'll definitely save me some, but you can have it(, no comma needed) if you want.'
then the rest of them are gonna come knocking(comma) and they won't leave you alone.
I'm sure, or perhaps she's just happy they're keeping themselves occupied and not causing any problems in doors. -indoors, one word.
I'm sitting on Harvey's lap on his bed; we used to share a room, from what I can remember, when we were very young.-Maybe rewrite this way--I'm sitting on Harvey's lap on his bed; from what I can remember, we used to share a room when we were very young.
thinking of Harvey(no comma needed) and what he did.
Perhaps knowing the truth might be worse,(I would add a period here and capitalize It) it might make you angrier.
I'm sure if he's desperate to tell me something(need comma here) then
a (half empty) bottle of Peron- half-empty
'Of course I will(comma here) Callum, you're my best friend.
Part of me thought(, comma not needed) when I contacted Harvey earlier this year, and he refused me yet
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I really appreciate you making all the suggestions. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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My pleasure, Jacob. You have an incredible story going strong.
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I just thought I would let you know as well in the UK we have different spellings to the US so favourite is correct for UK, we also spell Colour with a u. Thanks.
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Oh, that is good to know. I never realized this. Thank you, my friend. Knowledge such as this improves one's reading experience as well.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from Gunner Lil
A very good chapter full great information for this reader to catch up.
An easy read that has excellent sensory descriptions through out the chapter. Very good dialogue that moves the story along having this reader wanting more.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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A very good chapter full great information for this reader to catch up.
An easy read that has excellent sensory descriptions through out the chapter. Very good dialogue that moves the story along having this reader wanting more.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am very curious what Danielle will discover about her parents' death. You are doing a great job with this story.
You have no idea what it's like the not knowing. (what it's like not knowing, omit 'the')
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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I am very curious what Danielle will discover about her parents' death. You are doing a great job with this story.
You have no idea what it's like the not knowing. (what it's like not knowing, omit 'the')
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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Thank you Barbara, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
You've shared a deeply emotional scene here. The tension between Danielle's desire to uncover the truth about her family and the concern from her friend Callum is right there on the surface. The weight of unresolved trauma and the longing for answers are shown so well through her internal thoughts. What I liked most is how real this felt. You show the difficulty of dealing with past trauma while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. How relatable is that!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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You've shared a deeply emotional scene here. The tension between Danielle's desire to uncover the truth about her family and the concern from her friend Callum is right there on the surface. The weight of unresolved trauma and the longing for answers are shown so well through her internal thoughts. What I liked most is how real this felt. You show the difficulty of dealing with past trauma while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. How relatable is that!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
What a miserable birthday party Danielle is having. It's awful to be forced into such festivities if you hate them. You portray that very well by Danielle and Callum absenting themselves from the throng to discuss totally unrelated things. kay
SPAGs
about we're up to. > about what we're up to.
Milo thrashes Niall with a stick who cries out, clutching his arm (reads as though its the stick that cries out and clutches Niall's arm)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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What a miserable birthday party Danielle is having. It's awful to be forced into such festivities if you hate them. You portray that very well by Danielle and Callum absenting themselves from the throng to discuss totally unrelated things. kay
SPAGs
about we're up to. > about what we're up to.
Milo thrashes Niall with a stick who cries out, clutching his arm (reads as though its the stick that cries out and clutches Niall's arm)
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.