Close Encounter and More
Travis and Clint witness something strange in the woods.23 total reviews
Comment from Shanbreen
Gunner, I am curious about what happens next. There are some grammar and typo issues that you may need to correct or have it edited.
For example:
"No, and dad didn't say anything about reading about a crash in the morning paper at breakfast."
How about, ""No, and dad didn't say anything about a plane crash when he was reading the morning paper."
Overall, a good first chapter.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Gunner, I am curious about what happens next. There are some grammar and typo issues that you may need to correct or have it edited.
For example:
"No, and dad didn't say anything about reading about a crash in the morning paper at breakfast."
How about, ""No, and dad didn't say anything about a plane crash when he was reading the morning paper."
Overall, a good first chapter.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Thanks.
Comment from nomi338
Now is a time when I truly regret not having a six to award an unfolding story that I pray will be maintained throughout the coming chapters. This is already intriguing. It has my antennae up at full alert status. Bring it!
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Now is a time when I truly regret not having a six to award an unfolding story that I pray will be maintained throughout the coming chapters. This is already intriguing. It has my antennae up at full alert status. Bring it!
Comment Written 23-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2024
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Thank you.
Comment from Tomisin👀
I love this as a start to your book.It is a classic space story, and I would love to learn more about Travis and Clint because I adore science fiction too.Thank you!
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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I love this as a start to your book.It is a classic space story, and I would love to learn more about Travis and Clint because I adore science fiction too.Thank you!
Comment Written 19-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
This story is engaging and captures the adventurous spirit of Travis and Clint well.
You've got a great setup with the mystery of the object and the tension as they sneak closer. I love the kids' dialogue; it feels authentic and helps build their characters.
A couple of tweaks could enhance clarity and flow.
Original: "It could be a new type of car or truck, maybe even a plane."
Revised: "It might be a new car, truck, or possibly even a plane.
in the third paragraph,
"At first glance the object sitting at the tree line of oaks and maples looked to be at home.Using a slow left to right movement over the object and the men working with the spy-glasses"
could be clearer. Consider rephrasing to,
"At first glance, the object looked at home among the tree line of oaks and maples. Travis used the binoculars to scan the object and the men working on it."
Also, in the paragraph where Clint finds the camera,
"He found the camera, stuffed it in his pants and jumped down from the fort landing on the ground before his brother got off the ladder"
could be streamlined to,
"He grabbed the camera, stuffed it in his pants, and jumped down from the fort, landing before his brother had even reached the ground."
Also Travis name is misspelled in fifth paragraph and you need a comma after Travis.
second-to-last paragraph, where it says: "Travis pushed himself up from the sitting posistion (position)
These small changes should help make the narrative flow a bit smoother.
Overall, you've got a strong and intriguing story here!
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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This story is engaging and captures the adventurous spirit of Travis and Clint well.
You've got a great setup with the mystery of the object and the tension as they sneak closer. I love the kids' dialogue; it feels authentic and helps build their characters.
A couple of tweaks could enhance clarity and flow.
Original: "It could be a new type of car or truck, maybe even a plane."
Revised: "It might be a new car, truck, or possibly even a plane.
in the third paragraph,
"At first glance the object sitting at the tree line of oaks and maples looked to be at home.Using a slow left to right movement over the object and the men working with the spy-glasses"
could be clearer. Consider rephrasing to,
"At first glance, the object looked at home among the tree line of oaks and maples. Travis used the binoculars to scan the object and the men working on it."
Also, in the paragraph where Clint finds the camera,
"He found the camera, stuffed it in his pants and jumped down from the fort landing on the ground before his brother got off the ladder"
could be streamlined to,
"He grabbed the camera, stuffed it in his pants, and jumped down from the fort, landing before his brother had even reached the ground."
Also Travis name is misspelled in fifth paragraph and you need a comma after Travis.
second-to-last paragraph, where it says: "Travis pushed himself up from the sitting posistion (position)
These small changes should help make the narrative flow a bit smoother.
Overall, you've got a strong and intriguing story here!
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you !
Comment from lancellot
Interesting. I think you should continue. I will suggest you may not want to be too dialogue heavy.
notes:
"No, and {dad} didn't say anything about reading about a crash in the morning paper at breakfast."
-suggest: Dad
"Let's see if we can get a better look at what's going on over {there." Traves said} ready to
-there," Traves said
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Interesting. I think you should continue. I will suggest you may not want to be too dialogue heavy.
notes:
"No, and {dad} didn't say anything about reading about a crash in the morning paper at breakfast."
-suggest: Dad
"Let's see if we can get a better look at what's going on over {there." Traves said} ready to
-there," Traves said
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Close Encounters and More, covers a youthful encounter with those rascally extraterrestrial visitors. The story's dating provides the plot point of missing film and memory. Well told.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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This story, Close Encounters and More, covers a youthful encounter with those rascally extraterrestrial visitors. The story's dating provides the plot point of missing film and memory. Well told.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Author,
I like your sci fi story. Excellent writing!
I'm still a little paranoid about being sucked up by an alien space ship, so I really liked your story.
I've seen people on tv, appearing to be fully lucid, telling of being abducted temporarily by aliens. I keep an open mind about it, and I avoid open fields. lol.
Congratulations on an excellent milestone post!
Best wishes,
Cindy
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Author,
I like your sci fi story. Excellent writing!
I'm still a little paranoid about being sucked up by an alien space ship, so I really liked your story.
I've seen people on tv, appearing to be fully lucid, telling of being abducted temporarily by aliens. I keep an open mind about it, and I avoid open fields. lol.
Congratulations on an excellent milestone post!
Best wishes,
Cindy
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from F. William Lester
Well, you got my attention. You have the beginning of a good story - curious kids and aliens. There is a lot you can do with that. I have a few comments. Be careful of extraneous verbiage and repetition. For example, "Twelve-year-old Travis Carney asked his younger brother Clint, who was looking through a pair of 7 x 35 power binoculars to get a better look at what was taking place across the field of ragweed and shumac. High in their tree fort, they have a bird's eye view of the vast field in front of them." The power of the binoculars is unimportant as is what's growing in the field. You could delete everything after binoculars, because the following sentence says the same thing but more concisely. Another example, "Traves said ready to make his way down from the tree fort stepping on the first rung of the made shift ladder made with three foot 2 x 4's nailed to the trunk of the large oak tree." Travis is misspelled and there needs to be a comma after said, but more important delete the phrase after "said" up to "on" and insert "standing", then "made shift" should be "makeshift" and delete everything between "ladder" and "nailed" because the reader understands that it's made from scrap wood (i.e. makeshift) and probably nailed to the tree. Don't give everything to the reader. Let them imagine some of this. It'll streamline your story and tend to up the tension. Another example, "The boys laid on their bellies as they watched the men work but not knowing what they were really doing." You can delete everything after "work" because in earlier paragraphs you wrote that they were sneaking across the field to get a closer look because they didn't know what they were looking at or what the men were doing. Again, it'll tighten your writing and increase the pacing. One last item, "...sitting posistion and said...", position is misspelled. Don't hinder your chances to get published with simple errors. You've worked too hard. I like the story and will try to read each chapter. I hope my comments have helped. Good luck and good writing. Stay well.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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Well, you got my attention. You have the beginning of a good story - curious kids and aliens. There is a lot you can do with that. I have a few comments. Be careful of extraneous verbiage and repetition. For example, "Twelve-year-old Travis Carney asked his younger brother Clint, who was looking through a pair of 7 x 35 power binoculars to get a better look at what was taking place across the field of ragweed and shumac. High in their tree fort, they have a bird's eye view of the vast field in front of them." The power of the binoculars is unimportant as is what's growing in the field. You could delete everything after binoculars, because the following sentence says the same thing but more concisely. Another example, "Traves said ready to make his way down from the tree fort stepping on the first rung of the made shift ladder made with three foot 2 x 4's nailed to the trunk of the large oak tree." Travis is misspelled and there needs to be a comma after said, but more important delete the phrase after "said" up to "on" and insert "standing", then "made shift" should be "makeshift" and delete everything between "ladder" and "nailed" because the reader understands that it's made from scrap wood (i.e. makeshift) and probably nailed to the tree. Don't give everything to the reader. Let them imagine some of this. It'll streamline your story and tend to up the tension. Another example, "The boys laid on their bellies as they watched the men work but not knowing what they were really doing." You can delete everything after "work" because in earlier paragraphs you wrote that they were sneaking across the field to get a closer look because they didn't know what they were looking at or what the men were doing. Again, it'll tighten your writing and increase the pacing. One last item, "...sitting posistion and said...", position is misspelled. Don't hinder your chances to get published with simple errors. You've worked too hard. I like the story and will try to read each chapter. I hope my comments have helped. Good luck and good writing. Stay well.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2024
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Thank you for taking the time for giving a great critique.
This is what Fan Story should be like.
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You're very welcome. I'm glad to help. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment from royowen
I remember watching a film called men in black, and they had a device that caused their encountered people to lose the memory of what those folk had seen, beautifully written, I loved the mystery of this, I was an avid sci fi reader once, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : large oval green (circles)? 2: I (most) have gotten bit. Must?
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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I remember watching a film called men in black, and they had a device that caused their encountered people to lose the memory of what those folk had seen, beautifully written, I loved the mystery of this, I was an avid sci fi reader once, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : large oval green (circles)? 2: I (most) have gotten bit. Must?
Comment Written 07-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
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Welcome
Comment from Mia Twysted
Interesting and engaging. The reader is, like the two boys left to wonder what really happened. A nice Cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Interesting and engaging. The reader is, like the two boys left to wonder what really happened. A nice Cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Thank you!
