To Think It Started With Omelets
A futuristic retelling of Cinderella, set in the year 3025.4 total reviews
Comment from Todd Bourgeois
Beautiful rendition of an amazing story. I have always had a soft spot for the rags to riches stories mixed with finding true love. I have found that too many writers pervert the story and focus more on the financial gains instead of the breaking away from an imposed prison of sorts to a true freedom and an ultimate love with another. You're not one of those. You did an amazing job of giving this android (even though it's class A and pretty much human) a very human and relatable character. Your sentence tags and your scene building are amazing and your descriptions are poetic. Sometimes too poetic (I know it's hard not to lol). There were a few places where you "told" me what Cinders was feeling. It would have been better to have been "shown". That will pull your readers in and they will have no choice but to keep reading. You are a master with words and weave them together magically. The story structure itself is simple and easy to follow and flows nicely from beginning to end. Your characters are real and relatable. Your sentence tags give them another layer. You threw in some world building too when our character is walking to the store. You really showed some creativity here. Overall great story and a great spin on an old classic. It was a joy to read. Just tighten up a couple of little things and you have a great piece here. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2024
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Beautiful rendition of an amazing story. I have always had a soft spot for the rags to riches stories mixed with finding true love. I have found that too many writers pervert the story and focus more on the financial gains instead of the breaking away from an imposed prison of sorts to a true freedom and an ultimate love with another. You're not one of those. You did an amazing job of giving this android (even though it's class A and pretty much human) a very human and relatable character. Your sentence tags and your scene building are amazing and your descriptions are poetic. Sometimes too poetic (I know it's hard not to lol). There were a few places where you "told" me what Cinders was feeling. It would have been better to have been "shown". That will pull your readers in and they will have no choice but to keep reading. You are a master with words and weave them together magically. The story structure itself is simple and easy to follow and flows nicely from beginning to end. Your characters are real and relatable. Your sentence tags give them another layer. You threw in some world building too when our character is walking to the store. You really showed some creativity here. Overall great story and a great spin on an old classic. It was a joy to read. Just tighten up a couple of little things and you have a great piece here. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2024
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Todd,
Oh. My. Gosh! You just made my day! I don't think I've ever been called "a master of words" before! Thank you so much for that, and your other kind words. I'm so happy to hear you enjoy my work, and that you're enjoying reading it. As much as I love writing, I love hearing that my readers enjoy my writing even more. There's truly something magical about impacting a reader.
Thank you for the constructive feedback as well! I'm always happy to get constructive feedback, as my ultimate goal is to make writing my career someday (I'm only 22, although I'll be turning 23 at the end of the month), and I know feedback is very important to growing as a writer. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to think on what could make the story better, and for sharing those thoughts with me.
Thank you again, and I can't wait to share more of my writing with you.
Have a wonderful day,
Keely
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Congratulations on your first milestone post and a contest entry. You're very brave attempting one straight from day one. I enjoyed reading and want to wish you luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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Congratulations on your first milestone post and a contest entry. You're very brave attempting one straight from day one. I enjoyed reading and want to wish you luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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Thank you so much!!!
Comment from Neonewman
It's a futuristic take on an old fairytale a thousand years in the making. I like the idea of this. I love the talking magical dog and a robot named Cinder. Clever! You have a great story here. I'm not sure why you're using ampersands instead of and. Is this a futuristic style? If so, make the reader aware it was a little distracting.
Congratulations on this milestone post, and welcome to Fanstory. If you don't mind the offers, there are many folks here willing to help with editing. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more. Also, this site offers lots of contest's if you're interested.
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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It's a futuristic take on an old fairytale a thousand years in the making. I like the idea of this. I love the talking magical dog and a robot named Cinder. Clever! You have a great story here. I'm not sure why you're using ampersands instead of and. Is this a futuristic style? If so, make the reader aware it was a little distracting.
Congratulations on this milestone post, and welcome to Fanstory. If you don't mind the offers, there are many folks here willing to help with editing. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more. Also, this site offers lots of contest's if you're interested.
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 03-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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Hi! Thank you so much! Honestly, I just got into the habit of using ampersands to make writing look shorter, and forgot to switch it to "and". Thank you for catching that! Thank you for taking the time to leave a review!
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My pleasure, Keely.
Comment from SimianSavant
Hey there, this is an interesting sci-fi take with a daring premise to jump 1000 years into the future.
Some general writing tips:
Avoid use of "&". (If that character does not render here: "&") Reserve ampersands for certain types of business writing, such as brand names like Johnson & Johnson. Use "and" instead. Just do a massive search and replace.
Limit use of parentheses
Will wonders never cease. <= not sure what this means
splashes frigid water onto my joy <= same
Storytelling tips:
I think it might be more emotionally compelling if you write in third person present tense instead of first person present tense. I walk => he walks (assuming your android has male personality attributes)
Some parts of the gender reversal might be a lot for the typical reader to swallow, unless it is done as a parody, and your piece does not feel like a parody. Eg a male android taking a coachman's hand. If you are writing specifically not for a hetero audience, you can ignore this.
3025 seems like a long way off for androids. Seems like this could be the year 2125. A thousand years from now would be completely unrecognizable. We'll have completely rewired what it is to be a human by then.
Programming weather, nice
This starts to get more interesting at about the halfway point. It might help to tighten up the whole bit with the talking dog and magical dressing up.
Shorten the falling action as much as possible, to prevent your story going too maudlin. Try to inject more humor or wit if you can. Sometimes you can do this just by shortening your sentences. For example:
But I don't care one bit about them. I'm too busy writing my own story, a fairytale, & they have no place in it. => I don't care. I'm busy thinking about robot poontang. [end]
If this were me writing it, I might throw in some other sci-fi references or jokes. Like have one of your villains be named Hal 9000, references to robocop or transformers or Star Trek, give people evil American politician names like Hillary. And I would add at least one significant plot twist from the original storyline.
Hope any of this is helpful. Welcome to the site. There are a ton of contests here that you might enjoy entering.
Best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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Hey there, this is an interesting sci-fi take with a daring premise to jump 1000 years into the future.
Some general writing tips:
Avoid use of "&". (If that character does not render here: "&") Reserve ampersands for certain types of business writing, such as brand names like Johnson & Johnson. Use "and" instead. Just do a massive search and replace.
Limit use of parentheses
Will wonders never cease. <= not sure what this means
splashes frigid water onto my joy <= same
Storytelling tips:
I think it might be more emotionally compelling if you write in third person present tense instead of first person present tense. I walk => he walks (assuming your android has male personality attributes)
Some parts of the gender reversal might be a lot for the typical reader to swallow, unless it is done as a parody, and your piece does not feel like a parody. Eg a male android taking a coachman's hand. If you are writing specifically not for a hetero audience, you can ignore this.
3025 seems like a long way off for androids. Seems like this could be the year 2125. A thousand years from now would be completely unrecognizable. We'll have completely rewired what it is to be a human by then.
Programming weather, nice
This starts to get more interesting at about the halfway point. It might help to tighten up the whole bit with the talking dog and magical dressing up.
Shorten the falling action as much as possible, to prevent your story going too maudlin. Try to inject more humor or wit if you can. Sometimes you can do this just by shortening your sentences. For example:
But I don't care one bit about them. I'm too busy writing my own story, a fairytale, & they have no place in it. => I don't care. I'm busy thinking about robot poontang. [end]
If this were me writing it, I might throw in some other sci-fi references or jokes. Like have one of your villains be named Hal 9000, references to robocop or transformers or Star Trek, give people evil American politician names like Hillary. And I would add at least one significant plot twist from the original storyline.
Hope any of this is helpful. Welcome to the site. There are a ton of contests here that you might enjoy entering.
Best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 01-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2024
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Hi! Thank you for your review!! This is all very helpful. You've given me a lot to think about, in a good way! I appreciate your support!