The Memories
A trip to the zoo8 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
You managed to tell the entire horrific story in just a few words. Fortunately, the baby was saved, but the death of the father is sad. You told the story well. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
  |
You managed to tell the entire horrific story in just a few words. Fortunately, the baby was saved, but the death of the father is sad. You told the story well. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Wow, that was some drama there and very challenging to get it all in within the succinct word prompt. I'm feeling quite tense at the end of this one. But well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
Wow, that was some drama there and very challenging to get it all in within the succinct word prompt. I'm feeling quite tense at the end of this one. But well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much. Yes, it's bitter-sweet.
Comment from jessizero
I am so glad this was fictional, but I am sorry that things like this do happen. I like that you posted that tip about parking prams and strollers. You told the story well, and you ended it perfectly. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
I am so glad this was fictional, but I am sorry that things like this do happen. I like that you posted that tip about parking prams and strollers. You told the story well, and you ended it perfectly. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much Jessi. Even a sudden gust of wind, and this sort of thing happens.
Comment from Bill Schott
This seventy-five-word poem, The Memories, has the proper word count and recounts, in a nonfiction way, a terrible ordeal at the train station. Sad but too often true.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
This seventy-five-word poem, The Memories, has the proper word count and recounts, in a nonfiction way, a terrible ordeal at the train station. Sad but too often true.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you Bill. A stark one, and bitter-sweet.
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
Wow. I was definitely not expecting that as a twist! Hard to believe that this is taken from similar accidents in real life. Good job on forming an intense 75 word flash fiction story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
Wow. I was definitely not expecting that as a twist! Hard to believe that this is taken from similar accidents in real life. Good job on forming an intense 75 word flash fiction story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you. It's too dark for most. But the reality is, this happens, unfortunately.
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
The flash entry vividly portrays a dramatic and tragic moment with emotional impact. The tension is well-expressed, showing the parents' desperation and the father's heroism. For slight improvement, consider refining the language for clarity and emotional depth. For instance, instead of "As their train approached, one toddler skittered away," you might use "As their train approached, one toddler darted away" to enhance immediacy. Additionally, the final sentence could be more integrated into the narrative rather than being separate. Overall, it effectively captures a poignant scene with a powerful ending, though a touch more detail could enhance the emotional resonance.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
The flash entry vividly portrays a dramatic and tragic moment with emotional impact. The tension is well-expressed, showing the parents' desperation and the father's heroism. For slight improvement, consider refining the language for clarity and emotional depth. For instance, instead of "As their train approached, one toddler skittered away," you might use "As their train approached, one toddler darted away" to enhance immediacy. Additionally, the final sentence could be more integrated into the narrative rather than being separate. Overall, it effectively captures a poignant scene with a powerful ending, though a touch more detail could enhance the emotional resonance.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much for your thoughtful words and suggestions. I kept it free of emotion on purpose, left that to the reader to deduce. Plus, I was limited to 75 words.
Comment from Lindsey Russell
This is a sad story, but I hope someone learns from it for sure. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the contest and happy writing! Best wishes to you!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
|
This is a sad story, but I hope someone learns from it for sure. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the contest and happy writing! Best wishes to you!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2024
-
Thank you Lindsey. Yes, if even one parent or grandparent now remembers to keep the pram parallel to the tracks and with the brakes on at all times, that would be great. I appreciate your review of this stark story.
Comment from royowen
There was a tragic accident here in Australia, where a pram with twin toddlers and a dad, who jumped onto the train tracks trying to save his babies, trying to throw the pram onto the platform, there was a surviving twin, with the poor mother watching in horror, your excellent work reminded me how coincidental, beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2024
|
There was a tragic accident here in Australia, where a pram with twin toddlers and a dad, who jumped onto the train tracks trying to save his babies, trying to throw the pram onto the platform, there was a surviving twin, with the poor mother watching in horror, your excellent work reminded me how coincidental, beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 21-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2024
-
Thank you. Yes, I did hear. So I wondered whether to post this. Such tragedies are not as rare as they should be.
-
Well done