Puzzles
Young man visits a mental hospital8 total reviews
Comment from Gunner Lil
Oustanding. If anyone read the first paragraph and did not continue to read they are idiots.
An easy read that had this reader wanting more. Great sensory descriptions throughout.
A good flow and pace.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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Oustanding. If anyone read the first paragraph and did not continue to read they are idiots.
An easy read that had this reader wanting more. Great sensory descriptions throughout.
A good flow and pace.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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One of the best reviews I have ever received, Gunner. No joke, screenshotted it to keep me going through doubtful days. Thank you so much.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Great job! You do a wonderful job with the internal conflict which also showing us what is going on. A good example is with the bee and the surroundings, beautifully sets the scene and mirrors the character's inner state. The interactions with Lily are heart-wrenchingly real. And this was so emotional. The strong emotions I felt reading your writing is so impressive.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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Great job! You do a wonderful job with the internal conflict which also showing us what is going on. A good example is with the bee and the surroundings, beautifully sets the scene and mirrors the character's inner state. The interactions with Lily are heart-wrenchingly real. And this was so emotional. The strong emotions I felt reading your writing is so impressive.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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Thank you very much, MIchael!
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This was a great way for the reader to know how seriously conflicted you were: " A bee flew in my direction and stopped right in front of my face. I was allergic, yet I hoped that it would sting me in the eyeball. A scenario flashed before my eyes - me passing out onto the stone pavement, grasping for air with my swollen crimson lips, blood coming out of my eyes. I die, but at least I do not cross the doors." i love your communication with the bee That's my kind of story too. Now we get to see what is waiting ahead. I worked at a psych hospital for 11 years this is very realistic you've done a fine job.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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This was a great way for the reader to know how seriously conflicted you were: " A bee flew in my direction and stopped right in front of my face. I was allergic, yet I hoped that it would sting me in the eyeball. A scenario flashed before my eyes - me passing out onto the stone pavement, grasping for air with my swollen crimson lips, blood coming out of my eyes. I die, but at least I do not cross the doors." i love your communication with the bee That's my kind of story too. Now we get to see what is waiting ahead. I worked at a psych hospital for 11 years this is very realistic you've done a fine job.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you very much, Liz. To hear I did an okay job writing about this environment coming from the person who spent so much time working in one is the highest of possible praises. Sending my love.
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Well done...smile
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This post is heart wrenching. I would love to read the rest of the novel surrounding this post. I know it's very good. It just has to be with such a a wonderful chapter as this.
"Hi," I said and sat down. ('down' is understood and can be deleted)
"Lily, honey, would you like some tea?" The nurse asked. ('the' or better yet, 'asked the nurse.')
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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This post is heart wrenching. I would love to read the rest of the novel surrounding this post. I know it's very good. It just has to be with such a a wonderful chapter as this.
"Hi," I said and sat down. ('down' is understood and can be deleted)
"Lily, honey, would you like some tea?" The nurse asked. ('the' or better yet, 'asked the nurse.')
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much for the review, Barbara. Notes taken.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
It's brilliant, Bruce! You tell us so much but then leave the rest to our imagination:) And the tension you build up with the bee in the beginning is superb. I could virtually see and hear that harbinger of death! Anyone who has ever visited a mental hospital will know all about that feeling of dread and foreboding, the way the often stark and daunting building stands in marked contrast to the shrunken, hunched patient inside. Clearly lost in her own world, she gives only the slightest acknowledgement he's there. The question-mark remains over the exact nature of the trauma that's left her in this condition. We know she has a scar across her cheek which doesn't usually happen by accident and that the event (rape?) resulted in the birth of the narrator many years ago. Was this a first (and last) reunion between the two, I wonder, after a search to locate his mother?
An absorbing, fascinating and poignant read, Bruce. Small edit: Para starting: I swiped through my gallery...I realized I need(ed) to go
Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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It's brilliant, Bruce! You tell us so much but then leave the rest to our imagination:) And the tension you build up with the bee in the beginning is superb. I could virtually see and hear that harbinger of death! Anyone who has ever visited a mental hospital will know all about that feeling of dread and foreboding, the way the often stark and daunting building stands in marked contrast to the shrunken, hunched patient inside. Clearly lost in her own world, she gives only the slightest acknowledgement he's there. The question-mark remains over the exact nature of the trauma that's left her in this condition. We know she has a scar across her cheek which doesn't usually happen by accident and that the event (rape?) resulted in the birth of the narrator many years ago. Was this a first (and last) reunion between the two, I wonder, after a search to locate his mother?
An absorbing, fascinating and poignant read, Bruce. Small edit: Para starting: I swiped through my gallery...I realized I need(ed) to go
Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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You're the best, Debbie, thank you so much for such a comprehensive review. Always good to read your thoughts. Sending my love.
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A pleasure! I was just pleased I had a 6 left.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
In the first paragraph, you pain a picture of a beautiful entrance we'd like to enter, then you tell us you'd rather die than enter it!
I assumed the woman was his mother, but she's obviously uncomfortable around him, and what's with the scar across her face? That's what I want to know.
So, this is a first chapter?
I totally appreciate the connection through photography. Someone once said to me-in speaking about getting along with people you don't believe you care for-find the thing that connects you. There's always something.
I think this is a very good start, and I like the title, as your story will be filled with them, I'm sure.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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In the first paragraph, you pain a picture of a beautiful entrance we'd like to enter, then you tell us you'd rather die than enter it!
I assumed the woman was his mother, but she's obviously uncomfortable around him, and what's with the scar across her face? That's what I want to know.
So, this is a first chapter?
I totally appreciate the connection through photography. Someone once said to me-in speaking about getting along with people you don't believe you care for-find the thing that connects you. There's always something.
I think this is a very good start, and I like the title, as your story will be filled with them, I'm sure.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much, Pam. As always, appreciate your kind words.This isn't the first chapter. I am still contemplating where to put it to be honest - the manuscript is chaotic so far (I decided to work on something else rather then the Chef story, haha). Would love to share it with you once it resembles anything being close to ready.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Wow, this was a powerful chapter. I could feel his pain throughout. The line where he says, would it kill her to look at me. Very poignant. His pain and sadness was palpable. I did enjoy this. Enough information where the story stayed together and yet open ended enough where we, the readers could go on with it. Great job. Always enjoy your work. Gretchen
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Wow, this was a powerful chapter. I could feel his pain throughout. The line where he says, would it kill her to look at me. Very poignant. His pain and sadness was palpable. I did enjoy this. Enough information where the story stayed together and yet open ended enough where we, the readers could go on with it. Great job. Always enjoy your work. Gretchen
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much, Gretchen!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh my! The vibe is heavy, yet it still maintains a cool, mercurial way about it, leaving me wanting more. So many unanswered questions! Perfect and exactly how a good writer (you) draws in his reader and keeps her coming back for more revelations.
I especially like the way you set the scene, using a bee and a possible emergency room visit/death as preference to going through the psychiatric ward door. That was excellent. And the way he and bee communed, and the bee capitulated to the narrator's choice. Very VERY excellent.
You definitely have a knack. I'd love to read more of this manuscript.
xoxo
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Oh my! The vibe is heavy, yet it still maintains a cool, mercurial way about it, leaving me wanting more. So many unanswered questions! Perfect and exactly how a good writer (you) draws in his reader and keeps her coming back for more revelations.
I especially like the way you set the scene, using a bee and a possible emergency room visit/death as preference to going through the psychiatric ward door. That was excellent. And the way he and bee communed, and the bee capitulated to the narrator's choice. Very VERY excellent.
You definitely have a knack. I'd love to read more of this manuscript.
xoxo
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much, Rachelle. Very much appreciate your kind words, means the world.
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My pleasure!
