The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "The Flash of Fangs"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Lindsey Russell
I like the glossary of characters and places at the end of this piece. It is well written and needs no revisions. Thanks for sharing it and good luck with your writing endeavors!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
  |
I like the glossary of characters and places at the end of this piece. It is well written and needs no revisions. Thanks for sharing it and good luck with your writing endeavors!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate your time and the thought you gave it. I hope you have a wonderful week.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Nicely done! The interactions between Zidanta and Ilati are well written. I could feel looming threats that kept the atmosphere charged. Particularly with Sarhad and Yaeeta's presence! Your writing builds atmosphere and character through excellent descriptions and dialogue. I felt like you captured courtly life quite well too! The pacing is excellent. You are doing a great job of setting the stage for further developments and confrontations. I was drawn deeper into the world of Ilati and her quest! And I enjoyed it!
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
|
Nicely done! The interactions between Zidanta and Ilati are well written. I could feel looming threats that kept the atmosphere charged. Particularly with Sarhad and Yaeeta's presence! Your writing builds atmosphere and character through excellent descriptions and dialogue. I felt like you captured courtly life quite well too! The pacing is excellent. You are doing a great job of setting the stage for further developments and confrontations. I was drawn deeper into the world of Ilati and her quest! And I enjoyed it!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! The feedback really helps and is sincerely appreciated, especially on the pacing. I'm most nervous for it of all the things that could go wrong. I'm glad it came out well. Thank you for your time and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week!
Comment from Faith Williams
An excellent chapter, K. The descriptions are vivid and beautifully written especially the image of the king. I can easily depict them in my head. And I am enjoying the interlude between Ilati and Zidanta.
Suggestions to consider:
'She felt her stomach knot as she obediently washed... ' In this sentence, the word 'felt' is a filtering word. Ilati is already established as the protagonist, so 'she felt' is unnecessary. You could say, 'Her stomach knotted as she obediently washed... '
'Seated in a throne of cedar... ' Maybe 'on' a throne of cedar?
'Ilati felt a hint of heat creep up into her cheeks.' Another case of filtering--maybe, 'A hint of heat crept up into her cheeks.'
'Ilati knew she had touched a nerve. She touched the inside... ' The word 'touched' is repeated closely. Maybe, 'Ilati had 'struck' a nerve.'
'for a moment' This phrase is repeated several times throughout this chapter. I suggest reviewing each one to see if it's necessary.
'Sarhad grinned fearsomely as he 'looked around at' all the guests gathered at the celebration,' Maybe switch out this phrase for 'surveyed'?
I was just thinking to myself I hadn't read one of your chapters lately when a notification popped up in my messages. It was definitely worth the wait, and I eagerly anticipate the next one!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2024
 |
An excellent chapter, K. The descriptions are vivid and beautifully written especially the image of the king. I can easily depict them in my head. And I am enjoying the interlude between Ilati and Zidanta.
Suggestions to consider:
'She felt her stomach knot as she obediently washed... ' In this sentence, the word 'felt' is a filtering word. Ilati is already established as the protagonist, so 'she felt' is unnecessary. You could say, 'Her stomach knotted as she obediently washed... '
'Seated in a throne of cedar... ' Maybe 'on' a throne of cedar?
'Ilati felt a hint of heat creep up into her cheeks.' Another case of filtering--maybe, 'A hint of heat crept up into her cheeks.'
'Ilati knew she had touched a nerve. She touched the inside... ' The word 'touched' is repeated closely. Maybe, 'Ilati had 'struck' a nerve.'
'for a moment' This phrase is repeated several times throughout this chapter. I suggest reviewing each one to see if it's necessary.
'Sarhad grinned fearsomely as he 'looked around at' all the guests gathered at the celebration,' Maybe switch out this phrase for 'surveyed'?
I was just thinking to myself I hadn't read one of your chapters lately when a notification popped up in my messages. It was definitely worth the wait, and I eagerly anticipate the next one!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2024
-
Thank you so much for reading and leaving all of those suggestions. I'll add them to my editing notes. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your reviews. It helps immensely. I'm sorry I've been so busy I haven't had time to get proper chapters up.
