Stray Goat On A Risky Hill
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Wendigo's Story"part One
15 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
Jim,
This is an excellent chapter in many respects. The reminiscence of his past, which most of the chapter was, was incredibly sweet and moving. You made us really feel Oliver's self doubts and also how much he misses his wife following her tragic death. Your writing style is very clear and easy to read, and this backstory was interesting too.
I do have a few comments about the structure of this chapter. I found the first few paragraphs confusing. You start by saying "As Wendigo walked out into the city, something tingled inside him, intrigued him about Matt and Maury....." with the ellipsis implying that you would be elaborating on what was so intriguing about Matt and Maury, yet nothing further is said about them.
Then there's the confusion when you say "Geiger walked out..." where I think you meant to say Wendigo walked out. It almost seems there is an unnecessary paragraph here and the first 3 paragraphs should be combinedn as follows:
As Wendigo walked out into the city, he once more felt the need to return to that rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina. He followed the same impulse that led him there often. He felt closer to her there.
I also think it can be confusing when you mix first and second person, using italics for both as well as weaving in your first and second person backstory reminiscence of the past with present day action and thoughts. To add to the confusion is the inconsistent use of italicized text. Could I suggest a simpler way to do this which is much more consistent and less confusing:
I would keep present day story in regular text, and put the backstory in italics. Then when you interweave the two, it is clearer what is happening and which thoughts are occurring when. For example, I would write the first part like this:
As Wendigo walked out into the city, he once more felt the need to return to that rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina. He followed the same impulse that led him there often. He felt closer to her here.
He thought to himself: Lord, forgive my tears. I miss her so much! Lord, you know how lonely I am without her.
Too many years had passed since he'd held that hand. The sign had long been torn down, but he could still see its message clearly: "Welcome To Pleasure Beach Amusement Park."
He could hardly view himself as the same individual who stood there, that day, amazed. Muscular, wavy light hair, topped by the ever-present cowboy hat, the lines had not yet appeared on his face then.
I recall the rumor that the park would be closing soon, and I wanted to relive some memories of my boyhood.
Calliope music from the carousel bade me onward. As I neared it, I caught my first sight of her. Petite, blonde flowing hair, glasses three sizes too big, and looking oh, so vulnerable in that instant.
I quickened my steps, but she had run off into the midway area.
She tried to hide to the rear of the shooting gallery, but found I was already there.
"Oliver," she said.
"You, too? You...have a gift?"
"Please don't read too much of my mind. I couldn't stand it!"
"I don't do minds. I get...impressions...and I know you need some comfort right now."
This odd meeting was not as any other first encounter he'd ever had. Right away, he had known they could trust one another.
She offered me her hand.
"How about a cool drink?" I said.
"Are you reading my mind again, Oliver?"
"I told you, I don't do minds."
He thought to himself that if he'd reached out then, her hand would have come into his, and there would have been the thrill of holding her close that first time. It's more than he could bear.
I found myself, saying out loud, "I love you..."
We sat side by side on outdoor stools.
"You know, this isn't fair. You know my name. What's yours?" ...
Novels that do it this way will often indent the italicized portions to make them stand out even more from the straight text portions, but I know that's difficult to do here.
I wasn't that fond of your use of 2nd tense, which just seems weird to me. But I think the above treatment makes it clear which are present day thoughts and action (straight text and 3rd person) and which is the reminiscence of the past (italics and 1st person).
I hope that was clear. - Jim
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Jim,
This is an excellent chapter in many respects. The reminiscence of his past, which most of the chapter was, was incredibly sweet and moving. You made us really feel Oliver's self doubts and also how much he misses his wife following her tragic death. Your writing style is very clear and easy to read, and this backstory was interesting too.
I do have a few comments about the structure of this chapter. I found the first few paragraphs confusing. You start by saying "As Wendigo walked out into the city, something tingled inside him, intrigued him about Matt and Maury....." with the ellipsis implying that you would be elaborating on what was so intriguing about Matt and Maury, yet nothing further is said about them.
Then there's the confusion when you say "Geiger walked out..." where I think you meant to say Wendigo walked out. It almost seems there is an unnecessary paragraph here and the first 3 paragraphs should be combinedn as follows:
As Wendigo walked out into the city, he once more felt the need to return to that rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina. He followed the same impulse that led him there often. He felt closer to her there.
I also think it can be confusing when you mix first and second person, using italics for both as well as weaving in your first and second person backstory reminiscence of the past with present day action and thoughts. To add to the confusion is the inconsistent use of italicized text. Could I suggest a simpler way to do this which is much more consistent and less confusing:
I would keep present day story in regular text, and put the backstory in italics. Then when you interweave the two, it is clearer what is happening and which thoughts are occurring when. For example, I would write the first part like this:
As Wendigo walked out into the city, he once more felt the need to return to that rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina. He followed the same impulse that led him there often. He felt closer to her here.
He thought to himself: Lord, forgive my tears. I miss her so much! Lord, you know how lonely I am without her.
Too many years had passed since he'd held that hand. The sign had long been torn down, but he could still see its message clearly: "Welcome To Pleasure Beach Amusement Park."
He could hardly view himself as the same individual who stood there, that day, amazed. Muscular, wavy light hair, topped by the ever-present cowboy hat, the lines had not yet appeared on his face then.
I recall the rumor that the park would be closing soon, and I wanted to relive some memories of my boyhood.
Calliope music from the carousel bade me onward. As I neared it, I caught my first sight of her. Petite, blonde flowing hair, glasses three sizes too big, and looking oh, so vulnerable in that instant.
I quickened my steps, but she had run off into the midway area.
She tried to hide to the rear of the shooting gallery, but found I was already there.
"Oliver," she said.
"You, too? You...have a gift?"
"Please don't read too much of my mind. I couldn't stand it!"
"I don't do minds. I get...impressions...and I know you need some comfort right now."
This odd meeting was not as any other first encounter he'd ever had. Right away, he had known they could trust one another.
She offered me her hand.
"How about a cool drink?" I said.
"Are you reading my mind again, Oliver?"
"I told you, I don't do minds."
He thought to himself that if he'd reached out then, her hand would have come into his, and there would have been the thrill of holding her close that first time. It's more than he could bear.
I found myself, saying out loud, "I love you..."
We sat side by side on outdoor stools.
"You know, this isn't fair. You know my name. What's yours?" ...
Novels that do it this way will often indent the italicized portions to make them stand out even more from the straight text portions, but I know that's difficult to do here.
I wasn't that fond of your use of 2nd tense, which just seems weird to me. But I think the above treatment makes it clear which are present day thoughts and action (straight text and 3rd person) and which is the reminiscence of the past (italics and 1st person).
I hope that was clear. - Jim
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
Comment from Ric Myworld
Gone for three weeks and about to leave again, I'm glad I got to stop in a read a few posts. It's always a pleasure. Thanks for sharing and I'll be looking forward to coming home to catch up.
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Gone for three weeks and about to leave again, I'm glad I got to stop in a read a few posts. It's always a pleasure. Thanks for sharing and I'll be looking forward to coming home to catch up.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2024
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jim, for some reason, I haven't read anything prior to this so I'm falling right into the story. It's a great fantasy story. It's very well written. All the best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Hi Jim, for some reason, I haven't read anything prior to this so I'm falling right into the story. It's a great fantasy story. It's very well written. All the best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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I appreciate your words. For some reason, awhile back, my first chapter disappeared but I replaced it and there are now five chapters but it is a slow task.
Comment from Sharon Elwell
I'm coming in at the middle on this one, so my questions may have been already answered. For example, you say that Wendigo is called "Cowboy," but the narrator calls him Wendigo and Jean calls him Oliver. I was waiting for someone to call in Cowboy.
A sentence confused me: "Geiger walked out into the gloaming where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger." You see the problem.
The "labmen" don't talk like someone coming from a laboratory. Hmmm... I'm really curious to see how this plays out! Is there a baby still alive?
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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I'm coming in at the middle on this one, so my questions may have been already answered. For example, you say that Wendigo is called "Cowboy," but the narrator calls him Wendigo and Jean calls him Oliver. I was waiting for someone to call in Cowboy.
A sentence confused me: "Geiger walked out into the gloaming where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger." You see the problem.
The "labmen" don't talk like someone coming from a laboratory. Hmmm... I'm really curious to see how this plays out! Is there a baby still alive?
Comment Written 01-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Sadly, the baby is gone. I hd a number of reasons for the name. A wife or lover would naturally call her man by his first name. There already is a movie called "Oliver's Story". It is the sequel to "Love Story". I thought if I used the name 'Oliver' enough, it would enhance the music, as it is sung by Oliver.
Comment from Michele Harber
Wow! This is quite the roller coaster ride, going back and forth between joy and sorry. You handle backstory well, and I caught on immediately, through your use of different-sized typeface, to what was happening in the present and what in the past. Just one paragraph threw me:
"Geiger walked out into the gloaming and once more felt the need to return to thar rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina."
Had you intended to say "Oliver walked out into the gloaming ..."? Also, one typo in the same sentence: "thar" should be "that." I thought, for a second, since the character is called "Cowboy," that you might be going for dialect but, as I realize that nothing else was written that way, I assumed it was just a typographical error.
I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Wow! This is quite the roller coaster ride, going back and forth between joy and sorry. You handle backstory well, and I caught on immediately, through your use of different-sized typeface, to what was happening in the present and what in the past. Just one paragraph threw me:
"Geiger walked out into the gloaming and once more felt the need to return to thar rickety old bridge where he had recently searched for clues with Geiger and Karenina."
Had you intended to say "Oliver walked out into the gloaming ..."? Also, one typo in the same sentence: "thar" should be "that." I thought, for a second, since the character is called "Cowboy," that you might be going for dialect but, as I realize that nothing else was written that way, I assumed it was just a typographical error.
I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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I am so thankful! I will fix that typo immediately.
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I'm glad I was able to help.
Comment from Daylily
This is an extraordinary posting...so full of deep emotion and the love shared between Jean and Wendigo. Also, what a horrific loss for him. I am truly eager to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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This is an extraordinary posting...so full of deep emotion and the love shared between Jean and Wendigo. Also, what a horrific loss for him. I am truly eager to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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You honor and humble me greatly.
Comment from Steve Foreman
Well, this is a great piece of writing. It flows well and the dialogue is amazing. There is a good choice of words in this very descriptive chapter. Good job!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Well, this is a great piece of writing. It flows well and the dialogue is amazing. There is a good choice of words in this very descriptive chapter. Good job!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind words!
Comment from lyenochka
That's quite the background story! No wonder Wendigo has such a mysterious past that he's hurting from. Now we know what it is. It was unusual to have this done in the second person with him talking to himself to tell us the past.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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That's quite the background story! No wonder Wendigo has such a mysterious past that he's hurting from. Now we know what it is. It was unusual to have this done in the second person with him talking to himself to tell us the past.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Yes, it's been awhile since a chapter and I struggled how to write this and thought the format would have the most emotional impact.
Comment from royowen
As a crime fighter it would be a terrific gift to be able to read the past in someone's life, but not being able to see the future, like every else on the planet which seems to be the case here, an excellent story, and an ideal couple Jim, but circumstance, he should have been, there, but we can't always, well done, great write, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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As a crime fighter it would be a terrific gift to be able to read the past in someone's life, but not being able to see the future, like every else on the planet which seems to be the case here, an excellent story, and an ideal couple Jim, but circumstance, he should have been, there, but we can't always, well done, great write, blessings Roy
Comment Written 30-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Many thanks for your very kind words!
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Most welcome
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very well written chapter in the book and it was a pleasure to listen to it also is very real paragraph very well second structure very good presentation. I wish you the very best with your book. Patricia
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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This is a very well written chapter in the book and it was a pleasure to listen to it also is very real paragraph very well second structure very good presentation. I wish you the very best with your book. Patricia
Comment Written 30-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much for your humbling words!
