All The Years
Poem about love gone bad after many years6 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Brenda,
So, after reading your very kind review, I popped over to see a bit of your portfolio. I was surprised to see you've been a member since 2019 - but you've only posted pieces beginning in December. Hmmm... makes me wonder if you were awfully busy, or just reading others here, or if you were missing some self-confidence.
Regardless, I'm glad you ARE posting now. Before I share my thoughts on this piece, I wanted to mention a couple other things -
1.) I did run into your mama bird in the gutter piece - did not know it was yours. Maybe yesterday? I did not review it because, to be frank, I did not understand it completely. The image did not make it clear to me what was happening -- your words seemed to describe it, but in the pic, I couldn't see any water. It looked like, to date, you only had 4 reviews. Made me wonder if others had the same thoughts/questions I did...
2.) I looked at your 5/7/5 about the owl screaming, too. I am a big crazy person about haiku and senryu. Have spent a lot of time in the classes FS offers here from time to time on the topics (and two of the books I mentioned are dedicated to these subjects). It's almost impossible for me to read one of these without going into all the small minutiae that goes along with the beast. *smile* It looks like you are soooo very close to an appropriate haiku - one of the accepted ideas is juxtaposing two images. (BTW, you do not have to write true Western haiku in the form of 5/7/5 - though I know you must follow it in this contest.) Gypsy Blue Rose has a club here and though I don't agree with EVERYthing she teaches, she knows a great deal and shares it beautifully. If you are not a member, you might want to consider joining? There's no cost and the clubs are great fun.
2a.) I almost forgot I also looked at an 80-wd flash fiction piece you had about dandelions. I thought that piece was nicely written and showed some creativity. Please don't only stick to poetry - do share more prose??
3.) Now, to this piece. You are probably going to hate me but I want you to remember that the following comments are the thoughts of one person. In the grand scheme of things, they mean NOTHING. As I understand it, it's my job to read and offer comments. It's your job to read those comments and then do whatever you like. *smile* Choose any bits you like (if any), or toss it all. This piece is yours and only you know what your goal is. Right? Right.
That said, here are some notes...
All The Years
Do all the years mean nothing(? Were they) just meaningless( and) our marriage a big lie?
One betrayal, then another, an(d)[]another, how many are there?[]Or do I really want to know so I can hurt again(?)
How can you hide this much betrayal?[] Do I even know you(?) (*Who) are you? (*maybe italics for emphasis?)
You are a stranger to me. Did you ever love me?
You continue to lie to my face.[] I don't ask you anymore(;) you won't tell the truth(.)
How does anyone deal with this pain? I feel emptiness and confusion(.)
I feel numb(;) I feel nothing. I ache like a knife was put through me.
Do you have any sense of guilt, or do you think[] the[] gifts you give me make up for what you do?
I have this deep pain within[] me(;) it hurts to my very being.
I gave you the best years of my life. I just want to run away, any place away from you.
You just play the[] game like everything is okay. It's always[] about you.
I hope they make you happy(. Y)ou will have to face God someday.
3a.) Above you'll find my first simple edit. Notice the following:
--when you see [] I'm suggesting you remove a space. Some are between sentences - the 'new' rule says to use just one space between sentences; a rule you've mostly followed. Just a couple more of those to 'clean up'. Plus a few INSIDE some sentences.
--the notes within parentheses are items for you to consider - punctuation, mostly, but also a few additions for clarity. (With which you are welcome to disagree.)
4.) I understand you've poured a lot of emotion onto the page -I am not discounting a second of that. Be sure to understand that. But I'd encourage you to consider editing this to about one-half or even one-third the word count. (ACK! I know! I know! OUCH - don't throw things!!)
--This piece probably falls closest to the category of free verse, BUT FV is more than pouring heartfelt words onto a page. Even when the words drip with blood so clearly. (And I'm still trying to decide if this poem is fiction or real-life, since your profile says you've been married for so long and it kinda seems to indicate a 'happily' in there.)
Sean Glatch shares some amazing tips for writing FV at Writers (d] ot (c] com. (Don't know if that will slip past the FS search engine that checks for that stuff.) --wink-- Guess we'll find out, huh?
Here are his highlights:
A. START WITH A MENTAL IMAGE, EMOTION, OR IDEA -- The best poetry doesn't spell out an idea in plain language, it illustrates that idea through vivid imagery.
B. END LINES ON CONCRETE NOUNS AND VERBS -- An enduring rule of all poetry writing is to end lines on concrete nouns and verbs. By concrete, we mean words that are visual--you can visualize the word "brick," for example, but you can't visualize the word "neologism."
C. PLAY WITH LINE BREAKS -- The best line breaks accomplish two things. First, they emphasize the most important word or phrase in the line, usually highlighting concrete imagery. Second, they add pauses in the flow of the words, allowing certain ideas to stick with the reader and creating the poem's cadence.
Looking deeper, there are two types of line breaks: end-stopped lines and enjambed lines. An end-stopped line is when the line breaks after a period, semicolon, em dash, or colon. This can also occur when a line ends with a comma or the completion of a phrase, where a natural pause would exist anyway. End-stopped lines emphasize the completeness of an idea.
Enjambed lines are lines where a line break interrupts an unfinished thought. These lines usually do not end in punctuation, and they emphasize the continuity of a thought, often juxtaposing different ideas in the same lines.
***
So, if you take these words to heart, perhaps you'll see what I want to say - and that is that you may be falling into a trap many writers are prey to. When you aren't sure you trust the reader enough to understand what you want them to, you feel you must go ahead and TELL them everything. That way there can be no mistake, no misunderstanding.
When they finish and turn the page, you can be satisfied and confident you told them what you wanted and that they GOT THE MESSAGE. [check and check.]
But readers want to take part in the process. Most readers want moments of discovery - moments where they read and lightbulbs go off. They EXPERIENCE the feelings described WITH the author. They see. They feel. Hear. Taste. Touch. This way they feel everything the writer does. Rather than the writer telling the reader how the WRITER felt when thus-and-so happened, they BOTH (writer and reader) go through those moments TOGETHER. Which, of course, makes it much more impactful and meaningful. This is the difference between SHOWING and TELLING. You will hear a lot on this topic as you continue working to improve your writing. It's kind of a big deal. *smile*
A simple example:
4a.) Her words made George flash with anger.
4b.) At the sting of her words, George felt hot blood rush to his face.
5.) So, in this poem - imo (<--which we know means nothing) - I think you have overshared. You've left no room for the reader. What we have, as readers, is an exact look into your experience - which is absolutely fine, if that's what you're after. Sure! But if you want something that lingers, you may want to offer something more universal - where folks can read and nod... thinking, 'yeah, that's happened to me, too!' They GET it. But they will also hurt alongside you.
5a.) As a side note - there's a line:
"I feel numb(;) I feel nothing." followed directly by:
" I ache like a knife was put through me." This contradiction takes away some of the impact.
6.) Consider this - in FV, you want to use images to great effect. I think you've created some powerful images - but you're not using them as effectively as you could be. These seem to be the strongest:
a.) a lie (all our years/ our marriage/ the man himself / the betrayals)
b.) a stranger
c.) emptiness / numbness / confusion
d.) gifts / knife / pain
If you decide to edit and pare things down, you might choose one or two of these as 'theme(s)' to use throughout. I keep seeing him giving you "gifts"... [a series of knives... ]
Well, I've said enough for 90 reviews. *smile* I surely hope (hope, hope!!) you'll take these thoughts and suggestions as intended. If there's anything you agree with, great - use it in whatever way makes you happy. But, in all honesty - if you don't agree - don't spend another second on it. Toss the lot. Immediately.
My goal is to help, but my mouth and head and fingers often run away and get me in trouble. Thanks for sharing this piece. If you truly are having troubles in romance, I send you my tightest, warmest hugs and very best wishes -- robyn
reply by the author on 06-May-2024
   |
Brenda,
So, after reading your very kind review, I popped over to see a bit of your portfolio. I was surprised to see you've been a member since 2019 - but you've only posted pieces beginning in December. Hmmm... makes me wonder if you were awfully busy, or just reading others here, or if you were missing some self-confidence.
Regardless, I'm glad you ARE posting now. Before I share my thoughts on this piece, I wanted to mention a couple other things -
1.) I did run into your mama bird in the gutter piece - did not know it was yours. Maybe yesterday? I did not review it because, to be frank, I did not understand it completely. The image did not make it clear to me what was happening -- your words seemed to describe it, but in the pic, I couldn't see any water. It looked like, to date, you only had 4 reviews. Made me wonder if others had the same thoughts/questions I did...
2.) I looked at your 5/7/5 about the owl screaming, too. I am a big crazy person about haiku and senryu. Have spent a lot of time in the classes FS offers here from time to time on the topics (and two of the books I mentioned are dedicated to these subjects). It's almost impossible for me to read one of these without going into all the small minutiae that goes along with the beast. *smile* It looks like you are soooo very close to an appropriate haiku - one of the accepted ideas is juxtaposing two images. (BTW, you do not have to write true Western haiku in the form of 5/7/5 - though I know you must follow it in this contest.) Gypsy Blue Rose has a club here and though I don't agree with EVERYthing she teaches, she knows a great deal and shares it beautifully. If you are not a member, you might want to consider joining? There's no cost and the clubs are great fun.
2a.) I almost forgot I also looked at an 80-wd flash fiction piece you had about dandelions. I thought that piece was nicely written and showed some creativity. Please don't only stick to poetry - do share more prose??
3.) Now, to this piece. You are probably going to hate me but I want you to remember that the following comments are the thoughts of one person. In the grand scheme of things, they mean NOTHING. As I understand it, it's my job to read and offer comments. It's your job to read those comments and then do whatever you like. *smile* Choose any bits you like (if any), or toss it all. This piece is yours and only you know what your goal is. Right? Right.
That said, here are some notes...
All The Years
Do all the years mean nothing(? Were they) just meaningless( and) our marriage a big lie?
One betrayal, then another, an(d)[]another, how many are there?[]Or do I really want to know so I can hurt again(?)
How can you hide this much betrayal?[] Do I even know you(?) (*Who) are you? (*maybe italics for emphasis?)
You are a stranger to me. Did you ever love me?
You continue to lie to my face.[] I don't ask you anymore(;) you won't tell the truth(.)
How does anyone deal with this pain? I feel emptiness and confusion(.)
I feel numb(;) I feel nothing. I ache like a knife was put through me.
Do you have any sense of guilt, or do you think[] the[] gifts you give me make up for what you do?
I have this deep pain within[] me(;) it hurts to my very being.
I gave you the best years of my life. I just want to run away, any place away from you.
You just play the[] game like everything is okay. It's always[] about you.
I hope they make you happy(. Y)ou will have to face God someday.
3a.) Above you'll find my first simple edit. Notice the following:
--when you see [] I'm suggesting you remove a space. Some are between sentences - the 'new' rule says to use just one space between sentences; a rule you've mostly followed. Just a couple more of those to 'clean up'. Plus a few INSIDE some sentences.
--the notes within parentheses are items for you to consider - punctuation, mostly, but also a few additions for clarity. (With which you are welcome to disagree.)
4.) I understand you've poured a lot of emotion onto the page -I am not discounting a second of that. Be sure to understand that. But I'd encourage you to consider editing this to about one-half or even one-third the word count. (ACK! I know! I know! OUCH - don't throw things!!)
--This piece probably falls closest to the category of free verse, BUT FV is more than pouring heartfelt words onto a page. Even when the words drip with blood so clearly. (And I'm still trying to decide if this poem is fiction or real-life, since your profile says you've been married for so long and it kinda seems to indicate a 'happily' in there.)
Sean Glatch shares some amazing tips for writing FV at Writers (d] ot (c] com. (Don't know if that will slip past the FS search engine that checks for that stuff.) --wink-- Guess we'll find out, huh?
Here are his highlights:
A. START WITH A MENTAL IMAGE, EMOTION, OR IDEA -- The best poetry doesn't spell out an idea in plain language, it illustrates that idea through vivid imagery.
B. END LINES ON CONCRETE NOUNS AND VERBS -- An enduring rule of all poetry writing is to end lines on concrete nouns and verbs. By concrete, we mean words that are visual--you can visualize the word "brick," for example, but you can't visualize the word "neologism."
C. PLAY WITH LINE BREAKS -- The best line breaks accomplish two things. First, they emphasize the most important word or phrase in the line, usually highlighting concrete imagery. Second, they add pauses in the flow of the words, allowing certain ideas to stick with the reader and creating the poem's cadence.
Looking deeper, there are two types of line breaks: end-stopped lines and enjambed lines. An end-stopped line is when the line breaks after a period, semicolon, em dash, or colon. This can also occur when a line ends with a comma or the completion of a phrase, where a natural pause would exist anyway. End-stopped lines emphasize the completeness of an idea.
Enjambed lines are lines where a line break interrupts an unfinished thought. These lines usually do not end in punctuation, and they emphasize the continuity of a thought, often juxtaposing different ideas in the same lines.
***
So, if you take these words to heart, perhaps you'll see what I want to say - and that is that you may be falling into a trap many writers are prey to. When you aren't sure you trust the reader enough to understand what you want them to, you feel you must go ahead and TELL them everything. That way there can be no mistake, no misunderstanding.
When they finish and turn the page, you can be satisfied and confident you told them what you wanted and that they GOT THE MESSAGE. [check and check.]
But readers want to take part in the process. Most readers want moments of discovery - moments where they read and lightbulbs go off. They EXPERIENCE the feelings described WITH the author. They see. They feel. Hear. Taste. Touch. This way they feel everything the writer does. Rather than the writer telling the reader how the WRITER felt when thus-and-so happened, they BOTH (writer and reader) go through those moments TOGETHER. Which, of course, makes it much more impactful and meaningful. This is the difference between SHOWING and TELLING. You will hear a lot on this topic as you continue working to improve your writing. It's kind of a big deal. *smile*
A simple example:
4a.) Her words made George flash with anger.
4b.) At the sting of her words, George felt hot blood rush to his face.
5.) So, in this poem - imo (<--which we know means nothing) - I think you have overshared. You've left no room for the reader. What we have, as readers, is an exact look into your experience - which is absolutely fine, if that's what you're after. Sure! But if you want something that lingers, you may want to offer something more universal - where folks can read and nod... thinking, 'yeah, that's happened to me, too!' They GET it. But they will also hurt alongside you.
5a.) As a side note - there's a line:
"I feel numb(;) I feel nothing." followed directly by:
" I ache like a knife was put through me." This contradiction takes away some of the impact.
6.) Consider this - in FV, you want to use images to great effect. I think you've created some powerful images - but you're not using them as effectively as you could be. These seem to be the strongest:
a.) a lie (all our years/ our marriage/ the man himself / the betrayals)
b.) a stranger
c.) emptiness / numbness / confusion
d.) gifts / knife / pain
If you decide to edit and pare things down, you might choose one or two of these as 'theme(s)' to use throughout. I keep seeing him giving you "gifts"... [a series of knives... ]
Well, I've said enough for 90 reviews. *smile* I surely hope (hope, hope!!) you'll take these thoughts and suggestions as intended. If there's anything you agree with, great - use it in whatever way makes you happy. But, in all honesty - if you don't agree - don't spend another second on it. Toss the lot. Immediately.
My goal is to help, but my mouth and head and fingers often run away and get me in trouble. Thanks for sharing this piece. If you truly are having troubles in romance, I send you my tightest, warmest hugs and very best wishes -- robyn
Comment Written 06-May-2024
reply by the author on 06-May-2024
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Thank you for all your advice. I see what you mean about the most recent post. I added a sentence to explain the picture more. I wrote all the years because I'm in a situation like that right now. I was upset and needed to get my feelings out.
Comment from Julie Helms
This poem expresses a tremendous amount of hurt and anguish. The questions throughout are an effective way to convey what's going on. This is a perfect entry for the Love Bites prompt.
Julie
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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This poem expresses a tremendous amount of hurt and anguish. The questions throughout are an effective way to convey what's going on. This is a perfect entry for the Love Bites prompt.
Julie
Comment Written 02-May-2024
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Mymy Khan
A deeply felt poem, a glance into betrayal and heartache, and all its complexity and humanity. This poem touches the soul. Thank you for pouring your heart out in the open.
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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A deeply felt poem, a glance into betrayal and heartache, and all its complexity and humanity. This poem touches the soul. Thank you for pouring your heart out in the open.
Comment Written 02-May-2024
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Andrea Kepple
This poem hit me. It reflects more than one relationship ending for me though in my case it wasn't after years of investment. I think you tapped into the raw feelings someone in this position experiences.
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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This poem hit me. It reflects more than one relationship ending for me though in my case it wasn't after years of investment. I think you tapped into the raw feelings someone in this position experiences.
Comment Written 02-May-2024
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought your poem was a raw and deeply emotional. You show the pain and betrayal within a marriage. The repetition of questions and the sense of disbelief and confusion adds to the intensity of your poem. You share the struggle to come to terms with the betrayal experienced so well. Your word choices are powerful. Feeling like a knife has been put through you. The ache that penetrates is emotional. This was a powerful poem. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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I thought your poem was a raw and deeply emotional. You show the pain and betrayal within a marriage. The repetition of questions and the sense of disbelief and confusion adds to the intensity of your poem. You share the struggle to come to terms with the betrayal experienced so well. Your word choices are powerful. Feeling like a knife has been put through you. The ache that penetrates is emotional. This was a powerful poem. Well done.
Comment Written 02-May-2024
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
It is a sad fact that this sometimes happens in long marriages where one partner drifts away and has no respect for the many years invested in the marriage, I felt the emotions in this post, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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It is a sad fact that this sometimes happens in long marriages where one partner drifts away and has no respect for the many years invested in the marriage, I felt the emotions in this post, love Dolly x
Comment Written 01-May-2024
reply by the author on 02-May-2024
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Thank you