Right in the Eye
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Right in the Eye, ch 16"The adventures and reaches of people with a divine
9 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
It isn't often that we get to go back and to places in a story where someone was killed the first time. LOL. Repeats, sounds like the way for things to go. Part human, part cat. :-) Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2024
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It isn't often that we get to go back and to places in a story where someone was killed the first time. LOL. Repeats, sounds like the way for things to go. Part human, part cat. :-) Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your very kind review.
I didn't know if this technique would work or not.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is interesting but rather hard to write from so many points of view. Ben is learning several things about his father that he didn't know, but his life has been rather sheltered compared to his father's.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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This is interesting but rather hard to write from so many points of view. Ben is learning several things about his father that he didn't know, but his life has been rather sheltered compared to his father's.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Yes, Ben Paul was very sheltered. I totally different ministry.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
The sentence that begins "I see you have a notebook" should be included in the paragraph above. Without dialogue tags, I assumed Ben was speaking.
less onerous THAN the bawdy Queen and Avalanche
A reminder as to who William was?
Well, I love the blooming romance, as well as the history reminder.
Good read, Wayne. Keep it up!
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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The sentence that begins "I see you have a notebook" should be included in the paragraph above. Without dialogue tags, I assumed Ben was speaking.
less onerous THAN the bawdy Queen and Avalanche
A reminder as to who William was?
Well, I love the blooming romance, as well as the history reminder.
Good read, Wayne. Keep it up!
xo
Pam
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your great review. And for the pointers.
Comment from Jim Wile
This was an enjoyable chapter especially for me whom this story was new because I came into the original story a little after this point. I was familiar with the rest of the story, but I'm wondering if it might be confusing to others who didn't read the original story.
Was there a good reason for having Martha write this account about her mother, rather than just having Livvy write it? It wouldn't require so many references to "my mother" that way if it was in Livvy's words. Just a thought for simplifying it since Martha doesn't add much to the account.
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Ben prayed there would no fires -- missing "be"
culminating with him shooting the attacker - should be "his" for "him"
brushing her breasts of his vomit. -- perhaps "with" for "of?"
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2024
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This was an enjoyable chapter especially for me whom this story was new because I came into the original story a little after this point. I was familiar with the rest of the story, but I'm wondering if it might be confusing to others who didn't read the original story.
Was there a good reason for having Martha write this account about her mother, rather than just having Livvy write it? It wouldn't require so many references to "my mother" that way if it was in Livvy's words. Just a thought for simplifying it since Martha doesn't add much to the account.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben prayed there would no fires -- missing "be"
culminating with him shooting the attacker - should be "his" for "him"
brushing her breasts of his vomit. -- perhaps "with" for "of?"
Comment Written 25-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2024
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Thank you greatly.
I used Martha only because I thought that notes from Livvy would be too contrived and convenient. Also, I think Livvy would have written volumes, not shorthand notes.
Comment from lyenochka
Things are getting rather convoluted now with Sylvia's mother writing about her mother's experiences with the original Ben Persons. And Ben Paul is learning about his father through yet another source. I'm glad that the memoirs have brought Ben Paul and Sylvia together.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2024
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Things are getting rather convoluted now with Sylvia's mother writing about her mother's experiences with the original Ben Persons. And Ben Paul is learning about his father through yet another source. I'm glad that the memoirs have brought Ben Paul and Sylvia together.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2024
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Yes, convoluted. And maybe a bit too convenient? But it's possible.
I'll try not to make it too contrived.
Thank you for your very nice review.
Comment from Wendy G
Is Ben starting to have feelings for Sylvia? The notes Ben is reading and thinking about are filling in some gaps, and are a clever way to help him understand the role and calling of his father, whom he never knew in person. A fine chapter.
Wendy
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2024
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Is Ben starting to have feelings for Sylvia? The notes Ben is reading and thinking about are filling in some gaps, and are a clever way to help him understand the role and calling of his father, whom he never knew in person. A fine chapter.
Wendy
Comment Written 25-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2024
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Thank you.
I hope it's not too contrived, too Nicholas Sparksian.
I appreciate your review.
Comment from jim vecchio
As usual, five seems hardly enough for the work that went into this latest chapter. I like the way you got into Ben's mind and feelings as he read the paper and it was a wise way to both explain some of the past actions and advance your story at the same time.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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As usual, five seems hardly enough for the work that went into this latest chapter. I like the way you got into Ben's mind and feelings as he read the paper and it was a wise way to both explain some of the past actions and advance your story at the same time.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
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I'm running out f superlatives for your work!
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Thanks. I appreciate your support.
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I'll be waiting for the next installment.
Comment from R. Lynn Collett
Because I have not read previous chapters, I had to read this twice to get a good feel. I was first going to say that there are a lot of commas, but they disappeared in the 2nd reading. :)
This seems like an interesting story, from the small sample I just read. I liked the paragraph about being a jailed jailer.
Thank you for sharing!
:) R.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Because I have not read previous chapters, I had to read this twice to get a good feel. I was first going to say that there are a lot of commas, but they disappeared in the 2nd reading. :)
This seems like an interesting story, from the small sample I just read. I liked the paragraph about being a jailed jailer.
Thank you for sharing!
:) R.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Thank you. Unsolicited, but...
Billy was always getting into fights and losing. The sheriff jailed him indefinitely until Ben Persons came back to town for a visit. Billy worked as a jailer, even though he was under arrest. Billy got saved by Ben's witnessing to him.
Comment from royowen
So the story continues of Ben Junior seeking out the story of his dad, and although Ben senior is an imperfect man he had great faith, but eventually God calls all home! And this Life is spent learning how to be like Christ, and as Ecclesiastes says, learning about one's Heavenly Father, and learning what Jesus knows, beautifully written Wayne, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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So the story continues of Ben Junior seeking out the story of his dad, and although Ben senior is an imperfect man he had great faith, but eventually God calls all home! And this Life is spent learning how to be like Christ, and as Ecclesiastes says, learning about one's Heavenly Father, and learning what Jesus knows, beautifully written Wayne, blessings Roy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind review.
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Most welcome
