Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Live Wire"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
10 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is so interesting. He is obviously in love with Aiyana, but he got the mail order bride on the way. I think Aiyana maybe is feeling love for him as well. I can't wait to see how this works out.
Beth
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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This is so interesting. He is obviously in love with Aiyana, but he got the mail order bride on the way. I think Aiyana maybe is feeling love for him as well. I can't wait to see how this works out.
Beth
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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Thanks again, Beth. Appreciate your voice.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Super action, super pacing, super language. Cannot fault any of the content.
Little fixes on punctuation:
He stood up and seemed to hardly notice Aiyana who kept her hair under the plainsman hat.
I would stick a comma after Aiyana, since you have a dependent descriptive clause there.
Luke paused. "Sam, would you mind if I read it myself."
I would change the period after myself to a question mark.
"Now who needs to get this."
Same here, add a question mark after this instead of period.
"She was among the Crow. Names Aiyana."
You want to say: Name's Aiyana.
His name is Henry Bragman, a senator from NY.
I would say a Senator from New York.
"You did good Little Bird."
I would put a comma after good.
His heart ached and his stomach churned over her plight.
Stick a comma in after ached, since you have two independent clauses there.
Luke did his best to hide his concern for her and his beating heart that raced whenever she brushed against him.
Stick a comma in after concern for her. Same reason as above.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Super action, super pacing, super language. Cannot fault any of the content.
Little fixes on punctuation:
He stood up and seemed to hardly notice Aiyana who kept her hair under the plainsman hat.
I would stick a comma after Aiyana, since you have a dependent descriptive clause there.
Luke paused. "Sam, would you mind if I read it myself."
I would change the period after myself to a question mark.
"Now who needs to get this."
Same here, add a question mark after this instead of period.
"She was among the Crow. Names Aiyana."
You want to say: Name's Aiyana.
His name is Henry Bragman, a senator from NY.
I would say a Senator from New York.
"You did good Little Bird."
I would put a comma after good.
His heart ached and his stomach churned over her plight.
Stick a comma in after ached, since you have two independent clauses there.
Luke did his best to hide his concern for her and his beating heart that raced whenever she brushed against him.
Stick a comma in after concern for her. Same reason as above.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much for this Crystie. I will definitely make those fixes. I knew going into this installment, my senses told me I left some fixes on the table and worried about it. Appreciate you.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Was the Indian girl Native American or from India?
Great use of dialect: "Is this the place that one speaks through a wire, and it travels across the open plains?" the reader will lean forward with this line: "Lucas Cole, I presume, and I think I have what you came here to find." Excellent statement:
"
"You heard her right," said Luke, worried Sam looked down on her as a half-breed. "Indians have souls." Well written.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Was the Indian girl Native American or from India?
Great use of dialect: "Is this the place that one speaks through a wire, and it travels across the open plains?" the reader will lean forward with this line: "Lucas Cole, I presume, and I think I have what you came here to find." Excellent statement:
"
"You heard her right," said Luke, worried Sam looked down on her as a half-breed. "Indians have souls." Well written.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much for pulling out what resonates. Appreciate it. And it is an important aspect along with needed fixes.
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my pleasure
Comment from lyenochka
Thanks for the explanation of the "live wire" as I thought maybe his mail order bride was the "live wire." I am feeling sad for both Aiyana and Luke as both of them obviously care for one another and it's not clear what would happen with a third member in the cabin and if love would blossom over the "wire."
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks for the explanation of the "live wire" as I thought maybe his mail order bride was the "live wire." I am feeling sad for both Aiyana and Luke as both of them obviously care for one another and it's not clear what would happen with a third member in the cabin and if love would blossom over the "wire."
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks for mentioning that. I find the little researches to be enjoyable, and I hope others would appreciate those historical aspects. Appreciate the warm vibes over the brewing conflict ahead.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this with us. I really enjoyed reading this post and look forward to reading more.
am handed Luke the letter with a wrinkled brow when eyes met the girl standing next to him. (girl standing beside him)
Aiyana spoke to Sam "I have a message for an uncle." (Sam,)
Sam sat down, dipping his pen in the inkwell on his desk. (you can omit 'down' it's understood)
Luke intervened. "We're not sure how to get a hold of her uncle. (intervened,)
Aiyana spoke up. "No one who knows the Great Spirit is poor. (up,)
"You did good Little Bird." (good,)
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Thank you for sharing this with us. I really enjoyed reading this post and look forward to reading more.
am handed Luke the letter with a wrinkled brow when eyes met the girl standing next to him. (girl standing beside him)
Aiyana spoke to Sam "I have a message for an uncle." (Sam,)
Sam sat down, dipping his pen in the inkwell on his desk. (you can omit 'down' it's understood)
Luke intervened. "We're not sure how to get a hold of her uncle. (intervened,)
Aiyana spoke up. "No one who knows the Great Spirit is poor. (up,)
"You did good Little Bird." (good,)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Thanks for your positive and helpful review Barbara. I wanted to make sure I made those fixes before I stamped your review and it disappears.
Comment from patcelaw
It is a very well written chapter in your book and I enjoyed listening to it. Your sentence structure, and your paragraphing is done very well. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I wish you the best with your book. Patricia .
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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It is a very well written chapter in your book and I enjoyed listening to it. Your sentence structure, and your paragraphing is done very well. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I wish you the best with your book. Patricia .
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much and for mentioning my paragraphs. I needed to hear that.
Comment from royowen
This is really a love story, and it's becoming interesting as to how you've written how Alyana speaks the truth when she said, how can you fall in love with a wire, and that is so true. What a dilemma, but exciting yes? Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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This is really a love story, and it's becoming interesting as to how you've written how Alyana speaks the truth when she said, how can you fall in love with a wire, and that is so true. What a dilemma, but exciting yes? Blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much Roy. I'm motivated to tell this story. So much brewing to the surface soon.
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Bless you
Comment from Ben Colder
Yes, this is good. Now lets watch love do its thing. Amazing how love finds away into places that crazy feelings dare to go. Good one, Bro. Nothing wrong
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Yes, this is good. Now lets watch love do its thing. Amazing how love finds away into places that crazy feelings dare to go. Good one, Bro. Nothing wrong
Comment Written 31-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks again, Gentle Ben.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Stan,
I loved this chapter. It really made me feel more connected to your characters as I could feel the relationship growing between Aiyana and Luke.
I like the part about her having the cross and talking about the Great Spirit.
Going to get sketchy when the mail order bride shows up.
Spam alert: I think you meant to put his rather than her
explain to [her] mail order bride
Take care friend,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Hi Stan,
I loved this chapter. It really made me feel more connected to your characters as I could feel the relationship growing between Aiyana and Luke.
I like the part about her having the cross and talking about the Great Spirit.
Going to get sketchy when the mail order bride shows up.
Spam alert: I think you meant to put his rather than her
explain to [her] mail order bride
Take care friend,
Rhonda
Comment Written 31-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much Rhonda. So motivated to bring to surface a providential path of love.
Comment from Dr. Nad
This is a very complicated dilemma that Luke has gotten himself into. I think we've all been where Luke is concerning a cross roads where we had to pick one way or the other and we weren't sure which way was the right way. I believe Luke will eventually choose the correct path for him. At least I hope he does. Your story was very readable and the dialogue moved smoothly along with relevant interjections that provided color commentary.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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This is a very complicated dilemma that Luke has gotten himself into. I think we've all been where Luke is concerning a cross roads where we had to pick one way or the other and we weren't sure which way was the right way. I believe Luke will eventually choose the correct path for him. At least I hope he does. Your story was very readable and the dialogue moved smoothly along with relevant interjections that provided color commentary.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much. Appreciate you telling me some parts that resonated and worked.
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You are most welcome
