Death, Crimes and Misdemeanors A-Z
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Jessie Sneaks A Peek"Nefarious Deeds
17 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
Whew, it was long! But I forgive you because it had all my favorite things. Target, Pittsburgh, and ice cream. Ha!
Seems like Amy is a nosy Nelly. Good job, my friend.
I think Pittsburgh needs an 'h'. Don't say that I've never helped you!
D
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Whew, it was long! But I forgive you because it had all my favorite things. Target, Pittsburgh, and ice cream. Ha!
Seems like Amy is a nosy Nelly. Good job, my friend.
I think Pittsburgh needs an 'h'. Don't say that I've never helped you!
D
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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I will correct. I am surprised no one else caught it sent you my email in contacts. So I can send you a file of frogs! Karen
Comment from lyenochka
It feels like this is an ongoing book. Which chapter is this? I would think you'd write it as a novel? I like all the details and how Amy is like the female "Encyclopedia Brown"/Sherlock Holmes. She's smart as she lets the sheriff get the credit and knows the main thing is to stop the criminal. I'm wondering if Charlie had robbed her while she was absent??
Had to laugh at your using Jim Vecchio's name!
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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It feels like this is an ongoing book. Which chapter is this? I would think you'd write it as a novel? I like all the details and how Amy is like the female "Encyclopedia Brown"/Sherlock Holmes. She's smart as she lets the sheriff get the credit and knows the main thing is to stop the criminal. I'm wondering if Charlie had robbed her while she was absent??
Had to laugh at your using Jim Vecchio's name!
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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I did warn him in advance. I said I would make him good looking. I have had others ask for more chapters. I am thinking about it. Thanks for the read. Karen
Comment from Brett Matthew West
In paragraph one, Amy comes across as a nosy snoop, even going as far as to "paw through the unguarded underwear drawer in the quest for clues." If she is going to be an investigator the ability may serve her well.
Very overly wordy throughout. A lot of reduction would achieve the same storyline.
POV changes from first person to third person and from past to present tense. Story should be told in the same POV and tense.
The items Amy plans to loan the supposed writer reads like a laundry list.
Dialogue and prose mixed together that should be separated.
"Yes,I am Charlie White" should be Yes, I am Charlie White.
"house wine of the south" is a cliche but accurate expression.
"that i was not any fun" should be that I was not any fun.
"trading book store" should be trading bookstore.
So, Charlie is a scammer wanting to rip off the town.
Wonder what FanStory's Jim Veechio thinks of having his name mentioned in this story?
A couple days in Houston turned into ten days to rid Porter of a no count troublemaker.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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In paragraph one, Amy comes across as a nosy snoop, even going as far as to "paw through the unguarded underwear drawer in the quest for clues." If she is going to be an investigator the ability may serve her well.
Very overly wordy throughout. A lot of reduction would achieve the same storyline.
POV changes from first person to third person and from past to present tense. Story should be told in the same POV and tense.
The items Amy plans to loan the supposed writer reads like a laundry list.
Dialogue and prose mixed together that should be separated.
"Yes,I am Charlie White" should be Yes, I am Charlie White.
"house wine of the south" is a cliche but accurate expression.
"that i was not any fun" should be that I was not any fun.
"trading book store" should be trading bookstore.
So, Charlie is a scammer wanting to rip off the town.
Wonder what FanStory's Jim Veechio thinks of having his name mentioned in this story?
A couple days in Houston turned into ten days to rid Porter of a no count troublemaker.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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I will go back and check on things again. Thanks for the eagle eye and the read. Karen
Comment from kahpot
Driiving, found a typo (I think) what another very engrossing story, I don't write or read many stories but when I find one, I can enjoy, I try to stick with it, and this one leaves me wondering and wanting something for the
puzzle solver to find, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2024
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Driiving, found a typo (I think) what another very engrossing story, I don't write or read many stories but when I find one, I can enjoy, I try to stick with it, and this one leaves me wondering and wanting something for the
puzzle solver to find, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 26-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2024
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I will go edit, Thanks.Thank you so much for the read and kind words.
Karen :-)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Yes, Siree Karen, or Bob, Ben, Bill, or Bar-b-que beef. You sure do make a good ol' country boy feel right home with those sweet southern sayings. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2024
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Yes, Siree Karen, or Bob, Ben, Bill, or Bar-b-que beef. You sure do make a good ol' country boy feel right home with those sweet southern sayings. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much. I was going back to see what of yours I have not read. What happened to your stuff? you only had three pages. I have more than that! Karen
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I have lots more than that, I think. But I don't have that many since I don't post often.
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I am heartened to know that you think we could be red hot again. And maybe so. When you are with someone you care for there is nothing better. You give me hope. :-) Karen
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This profile of Amy proves to be humorous I look forward to reading the rest. This is a nice account of neighbors getting acquainted. I suspect more is going to happen. I near forgot Amy was a snooper. like this alertness: "But we watch over strangers before we let them all the way in, and she is afraid Charlie is setting off her alarms. She doesn't know how to explain it to you. He gets too close when he talks like he is already your dear and close friend."
I worked with someone who was just like that she got real close and I backed away and she kept coming closer Oh my gosh It was just irritating That's all. This could have been two or three wonderful chapters to a book. I hope you're going to do more with this. I like this Amy.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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This profile of Amy proves to be humorous I look forward to reading the rest. This is a nice account of neighbors getting acquainted. I suspect more is going to happen. I near forgot Amy was a snooper. like this alertness: "But we watch over strangers before we let them all the way in, and she is afraid Charlie is setting off her alarms. She doesn't know how to explain it to you. He gets too close when he talks like he is already your dear and close friend."
I worked with someone who was just like that she got real close and I backed away and she kept coming closer Oh my gosh It was just irritating That's all. This could have been two or three wonderful chapters to a book. I hope you're going to do more with this. I like this Amy.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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You mean liked "Amy peeked again," " Amy Sneaks a look," "Amy snuck to close," Etc. Good idea. Thanks for the read. Karen
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Amy is a compelling character
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I will write another one, but, I have a few other things going right now. Karen :-)
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I do want to caution you with taking on too many writing activities or any activities.
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m doing better at not spending so much time here. Karen
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It is difficult. I have like 30 people I have kind of promised a review.
When I really need big money to promote mychapter, I go to the one with the little house logo and get big money. Then I can browse through other people's stuff, but I do take serious time to write my own next chapter. I spent about an hour perking up my chapter losing parts of it and then finally being able to reclaim it. oh that was scary. Fortunately I have an undo on my chrome documents. . It will find the work I messed with it about eight times back. For some reason a lot of it disappeared. I highlighted it for some reason and that disappeared scary.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I found this story entertaining, even though you switched from first to third person periodically. Also, I liked the size of the font which made the story easier to read since it was a little long.
I guess you've already been told you need to work on dialogue. You have dialogue and narrative all mixed together within quotation marks.
Just a few examples: "Yes, he was Charlie White, he said. ("Yes, I am Charlie White," he said.)
"Nope, it's just him, he said. ("Nope, it's just me," he said.)
His front room is piled head-high with boxes. He came to see if you could give me a heads-up on where to get things in town. What can he buy here, and what will he need to get in Houston?" ("My front room is piled head-high with boxes. I came to see if you could give me a heads-up on where to get things in town. What can I buy here and what will I need to get in Houston?")
I hope I've been of some help. LJButterfly
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2024
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I found this story entertaining, even though you switched from first to third person periodically. Also, I liked the size of the font which made the story easier to read since it was a little long.
I guess you've already been told you need to work on dialogue. You have dialogue and narrative all mixed together within quotation marks.
Just a few examples: "Yes, he was Charlie White, he said. ("Yes, I am Charlie White," he said.)
"Nope, it's just him, he said. ("Nope, it's just me," he said.)
His front room is piled head-high with boxes. He came to see if you could give me a heads-up on where to get things in town. What can he buy here, and what will he need to get in Houston?" ("My front room is piled head-high with boxes. I came to see if you could give me a heads-up on where to get things in town. What can I buy here and what will I need to get in Houston?")
I hope I've been of some help. LJButterfly
Comment Written 22-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2024
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I am absolutely terrible at grammar in dialogue' And Grammarly isn't much help. Thanks for the read. Karen
Comment from Sanku
Hats off to you for the patience in writing this long story .You weave fine incidents and characters into a complicated tapestry...I feel it is a bit long and meandering ..still a good read...
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2024
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Hats off to you for the patience in writing this long story .You weave fine incidents and characters into a complicated tapestry...I feel it is a bit long and meandering ..still a good read...
Comment Written 21-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2024
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I do tend to meander sometimes. That is a country style of writing. I thank you for the read. Karen
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Actually meandering was a norm in old days. It is interesting. But in these days of instant gratification people dont have the patience to read for long.
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I thank you for taking the time to stick with me. :-)
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting story, although I am not sure what she did in Pittsburg so you may need to explain that a bit. You still have your problem with pronouns and first or third person. If someone is talking about themself, they say I or me or you, not he or she. Writing in 3rd person works well for most stories and this is a very busy story with all her memories.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2024
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This is an interesting story, although I am not sure what she did in Pittsburg so you may need to explain that a bit. You still have your problem with pronouns and first or third person. If someone is talking about themself, they say I or me or you, not he or she. Writing in 3rd person works well for most stories and this is a very busy story with all her memories.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2024
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I hate dialogue. His Dad lives in Pittsburg. His Dad had an accident. So, he had to go home to help. Thanks for the read Karen
Comment from GWHARGIS
This story was fun to read. I was confused by switching from first to third person and there were a few open ended quotation marks. The characters were well drawn out and relatable. I was unsure how old she was. Gretchen
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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This story was fun to read. I was confused by switching from first to third person and there were a few open ended quotation marks. The characters were well drawn out and relatable. I was unsure how old she was. Gretchen
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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I re-edited it since you read me. Amy is 24. So far. Thanks for the read. She may be coming back. :-)
