The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "The City of the River God"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
4 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Your descriptions are amazing, K, helped with your use of strong verbs which immediately bring images to the reader's mind. I always love reading your descriptions because they're detailed but not overdone.
Suggestions to consider:
'Caught by soft breezes wafting (down) from the north, hundreds of red petals showered (down) from the top of the grand Eastern Gate.' The word 'down' is repeated in this sentence, and I think you could delete both of them.
'... guarded by statues of Lugal's servitors, (fierce winged bulls) with stone bodies and golden horns.' So, with the phrase in parentheses, I think you either need a comma- fierce, winged bulls, or add a word- fierce and winged bulls.
'The girl (abruptly turned) to look at Ilati,' Maybe switch this out for 'swiveled'?
'Ilati couldn't be distracted by her long, not when she could feel a far greater presence (uncoiling) in the waters of the river.' The word 'uncoiling' has been used a few times now. Maybe switch out one of them for 'unfurling'?
'The voice (came from all sides)... ' Maybe switch out for 'surrounded'?
'Ilati looked (down) at the ground, feeling a sting in her heart.' You can delete 'down' in this sentence.
Your chapters always keep me enthralled. I eagerly anticipate the next one.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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Your descriptions are amazing, K, helped with your use of strong verbs which immediately bring images to the reader's mind. I always love reading your descriptions because they're detailed but not overdone.
Suggestions to consider:
'Caught by soft breezes wafting (down) from the north, hundreds of red petals showered (down) from the top of the grand Eastern Gate.' The word 'down' is repeated in this sentence, and I think you could delete both of them.
'... guarded by statues of Lugal's servitors, (fierce winged bulls) with stone bodies and golden horns.' So, with the phrase in parentheses, I think you either need a comma- fierce, winged bulls, or add a word- fierce and winged bulls.
'The girl (abruptly turned) to look at Ilati,' Maybe switch this out for 'swiveled'?
'Ilati couldn't be distracted by her long, not when she could feel a far greater presence (uncoiling) in the waters of the river.' The word 'uncoiling' has been used a few times now. Maybe switch out one of them for 'unfurling'?
'The voice (came from all sides)... ' Maybe switch out for 'surrounded'?
'Ilati looked (down) at the ground, feeling a sting in her heart.' You can delete 'down' in this sentence.
Your chapters always keep me enthralled. I eagerly anticipate the next one.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, especially taking the time to tell me where I can improve. I really, really appreciate the detail and your time. I hope you have a wonderful week.
Comment from royowen
It's been awhile since I've read your great story, and the gods who are created in man's image, being more human than the humans they rule, more vengeful, than man, but more easily understood than an omnipotent and omniscient God, that loves, and is fond of men. I love the exchange between Ilati and the river god, exceptional writing, well done, it was too long without promotion, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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It's been awhile since I've read your great story, and the gods who are created in man's image, being more human than the humans they rule, more vengeful, than man, but more easily understood than an omnipotent and omniscient God, that loves, and is fond of men. I love the exchange between Ilati and the river god, exceptional writing, well done, it was too long without promotion, blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate the feedback. The gods in the story are very much ancient world gods, so I'm glad they come across as such. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful week.
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Of course
Comment from JP_Ryan
thanks for sharing, this genera is outside of my comfort zone ... so I read it to my son and daughter who are 12 and 14 respectively, they were engrossed and both said it was "cool" I noted you are very skilled at evoking imagery,
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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thanks for sharing, this genera is outside of my comfort zone ... so I read it to my son and daughter who are 12 and 14 respectively, they were engrossed and both said it was "cool" I noted you are very skilled at evoking imagery,
Comment Written 21-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad your kiddos enjoyed it. Hopefully I can keep up the quality. I appreciate your time and attention, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is an enjoyable chapter. Your descriptions are excellent. The use of dialogue works well and moves the story along naturally. Love the pacing - it doesn't feel rushed. Very well written and an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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This is an enjoyable chapter. Your descriptions are excellent. The use of dialogue works well and moves the story along naturally. Love the pacing - it doesn't feel rushed. Very well written and an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate the feedback, especially knowing the pacing was alright. Thank you for your time and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
