The Fix
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Fix - Chapter One"A mother fights to prove her son's innocence
16 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a fantastic start to a novel with skillful use of in medias res, and extremely good character description of Stacey. Unfortunately I have three chapters to read to catch up,and one six star in my pocket, it was a close shave... but this chapter just lost out. kay
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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This is a fantastic start to a novel with skillful use of in medias res, and extremely good character description of Stacey. Unfortunately I have three chapters to read to catch up,and one six star in my pocket, it was a close shave... but this chapter just lost out. kay
Comment Written 24-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Thank you, I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can't begin to imagine the pain a mother would go through in that position. I'd scream the courthouse down, especially knowing he was innocent. This is a wonderful first chapter, Jacob, the detail of the mother's emotions really come through clearly. I'm now going to read chapter two. Very well done! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2024
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I can't begin to imagine the pain a mother would go through in that position. I'd scream the courthouse down, especially knowing he was innocent. This is a wonderful first chapter, Jacob, the detail of the mother's emotions really come through clearly. I'm now going to read chapter two. Very well done! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 24-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2024
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Thank you Sandra.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a great opening chapter. I am immediately drawn in to the situation. It sounds like the narrator/character's voice is a mother's, considering how her son's hair looks and the expression in his eyes when they meet hers.
Little fixes:
The reporters are all convinced my son is guilty and the newspapers always twist things.
I would just add a comma after the word guilty. That is because you have two independent clauses there.
both ten-years-old
I would go ahead and take the hyphens out of that phrase and just say they were both ten years old. But if you had said ten-year-old boys, then it would have needed the hyphens.
The very first day of the trial, he'd glanced up at the public gallery and his eyes found mine.
I would add a comma after the word gallery. That is also because of two independent clauses there.
The usher, a woman, in, I suspect, her early fifties, turns to the jury.
I think you can take out a couple of commas, like this:
The usher, a woman who I suspect is in her early fifties, turns to the jury.
Before he's led away, he glances just once up at the public gallery and his eyes find mine.
I would put a comma after gallery. Same reason as the comma examples above.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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This is a great opening chapter. I am immediately drawn in to the situation. It sounds like the narrator/character's voice is a mother's, considering how her son's hair looks and the expression in his eyes when they meet hers.
Little fixes:
The reporters are all convinced my son is guilty and the newspapers always twist things.
I would just add a comma after the word guilty. That is because you have two independent clauses there.
both ten-years-old
I would go ahead and take the hyphens out of that phrase and just say they were both ten years old. But if you had said ten-year-old boys, then it would have needed the hyphens.
The very first day of the trial, he'd glanced up at the public gallery and his eyes found mine.
I would add a comma after the word gallery. That is also because of two independent clauses there.
The usher, a woman, in, I suspect, her early fifties, turns to the jury.
I think you can take out a couple of commas, like this:
The usher, a woman who I suspect is in her early fifties, turns to the jury.
Before he's led away, he glances just once up at the public gallery and his eyes find mine.
I would put a comma after gallery. Same reason as the comma examples above.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thank you. I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from tfawcus
You've caught my interest with this one. I like the natural way in which you include a bit of backstory. The mother's emotions come through strongly. The action in this opening scene is well-paced, too.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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You've caught my interest with this one. I like the natural way in which you include a bit of backstory. The mother's emotions come through strongly. The action in this opening scene is well-paced, too.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Thank you Tony, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Begin Again
Bravo, Jacob! I was sitting in the chair next to Joshua's mother, on the edge of my seat, feeling her anxiety as she watched and listened. Your every word led Joshua's mother Mothr and me to a place neither of us wanted to go. Well written and I look forward to more.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Bravo, Jacob! I was sitting in the chair next to Joshua's mother, on the edge of my seat, feeling her anxiety as she watched and listened. Your every word led Joshua's mother Mothr and me to a place neither of us wanted to go. Well written and I look forward to more.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 07-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Thank you Carol, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
this phrase grabs my fancy: "My gaze fixes on my son". It's an attention getter for the reader if they enjoy unique imaging. The back story in her reflections is very good. The reader leans forward but there are heart racing: "Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?' we also are stunned.
We want the verdict to be overturned.
This is an excellent story and it needs to be continued. Another A+... I would have loved to have you in my writing classes.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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this phrase grabs my fancy: "My gaze fixes on my son". It's an attention getter for the reader if they enjoy unique imaging. The back story in her reflections is very good. The reader leans forward but there are heart racing: "Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?' we also are stunned.
We want the verdict to be overturned.
This is an excellent story and it needs to be continued. Another A+... I would have loved to have you in my writing classes.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Thank you for your review and six stars, I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
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I will look for chapter 2
Comment from Ric Myworld
I seldom find time to read many outside those I read regularly, but I'm certainly glad I found the chance to read your first chapter and will be looking forward to read more. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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I seldom find time to read many outside those I read regularly, but I'm certainly glad I found the chance to read your first chapter and will be looking forward to read more. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Thank you, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is quite good. I look forward to seeing more of it.
Told by the mother's viewpoint is a good way to bring us along, As she appears to be at the same point as us. We know nothing. Kareb
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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This is quite good. I look forward to seeing more of it.
Told by the mother's viewpoint is a good way to bring us along, As she appears to be at the same point as us. We know nothing. Kareb
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
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U R Welcome Karen
Comment from Lisasview
Hi Jacob,
It has been quite awhile since we connected.
For some reason I am not getting your posts on my messages and I am assuming you are not getting mine? I decided to check your portfolio and found this great story. Always, good to check portfolios...
I am not a professional editor but I did pick up on an few very small things that I think you should double check
"out of his wound." Perhaps this should be out from his wounds.
and his eyes had found mine. No need for the word HAD here... and his eyes found mine.
"glances just once in our direction and his eyes find mine." I do think it would be OUR DIRECTION... I think MY DIRECTION because Jacob knows exactly where his father is standing.
Just a bit of editing,
Lisasview
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Hi Jacob,
It has been quite awhile since we connected.
For some reason I am not getting your posts on my messages and I am assuming you are not getting mine? I decided to check your portfolio and found this great story. Always, good to check portfolios...
I am not a professional editor but I did pick up on an few very small things that I think you should double check
"out of his wound." Perhaps this should be out from his wounds.
and his eyes had found mine. No need for the word HAD here... and his eyes found mine.
"glances just once in our direction and his eyes find mine." I do think it would be OUR DIRECTION... I think MY DIRECTION because Jacob knows exactly where his father is standing.
Just a bit of editing,
Lisasview
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Lisa for the six stars. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Well, what about the ideas Jacob?
Reviewing is supre important to me..
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This is a compelling first chapter and certainly leaves the reader wanting more. What was his crime? What will his mother do to "prove it"?
The title is a hint as to the theme of the book; I assume Mom is going to be the central character trying to fix the outcome of her son's trial. I wish you luck writing this.
My only suggestion is that you occasionally use the same word several times in the same paragraph. If you read through it, you'll understand what I mean. I Google synonyms when I do that, only because it is noticeable to the reader and can take them out of the story momentarily. Just a thought.
Good luck with your new project.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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This is a compelling first chapter and certainly leaves the reader wanting more. What was his crime? What will his mother do to "prove it"?
The title is a hint as to the theme of the book; I assume Mom is going to be the central character trying to fix the outcome of her son's trial. I wish you luck writing this.
My only suggestion is that you occasionally use the same word several times in the same paragraph. If you read through it, you'll understand what I mean. I Google synonyms when I do that, only because it is noticeable to the reader and can take them out of the story momentarily. Just a thought.
Good luck with your new project.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Pam, it's in its very early stages at the moment. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
