Nightmare
A girl with night terrors2 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I feel for this girl as I have suffered with nightmares in the past when I was a lot younger, and the unsympathetic Aunt would only make matters worse. In fact the Aunt could be the cause of her night terrors as she fears being put out on the porch to sleep. A vivid and terrifying story, much enjoyed, love Dolly x x x
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I feel for this girl as I have suffered with nightmares in the past when I was a lot younger, and the unsympathetic Aunt would only make matters worse. In fact the Aunt could be the cause of her night terrors as she fears being put out on the porch to sleep. A vivid and terrifying story, much enjoyed, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 31-Jan-2024
Comment from Julie Helms
Hey AK Night Owl! You have a great start to a story here. Clearly you have a vivid imagination. Your first chapter makes the reader wonder if this nightmare isn't somehow reality also.
You say in your profile that you want advice, so I'm going to give you some :-)
1. branches tur at my skin (tore?)
2. A tall shadowy clocked figure (cloaked)
3. by my neck, and forcefully slammed me (When a dependent clause follows the "and", you do not use a comma. For example:
...by my neck and forcefully slammed me...
OR
...by my neck, and HE forcefully slammed me...
Both of these are correct. The first is a dependent clause and the second, an independent clause)
4. as if it was a ghost. (Subjunctive tense: As if it were a ghost)
Some overall advice: In some places you use a lot of words to say something simple. It is a good practice to look at every sentence you write and say, how can I make this less wordy and still get across my meaning.
Just as an example:
"Even though there was a little light against the darkness, the forest still felt uneasy."
(The forest felt uneasy in the dim light)
You also use "was" a lot. This generally means you are using passive construction instead of active voice. You should probably try and re-word about 80% of them.
An example:
"I was doing my best to defend myself"
(I defended myself as best I could)
Your way isn't wrong, it just is not as strong.
I enjoyed your story. Keep writing! Julie
 |
Hey AK Night Owl! You have a great start to a story here. Clearly you have a vivid imagination. Your first chapter makes the reader wonder if this nightmare isn't somehow reality also.
You say in your profile that you want advice, so I'm going to give you some :-)
1. branches tur at my skin (tore?)
2. A tall shadowy clocked figure (cloaked)
3. by my neck, and forcefully slammed me (When a dependent clause follows the "and", you do not use a comma. For example:
...by my neck and forcefully slammed me...
OR
...by my neck, and HE forcefully slammed me...
Both of these are correct. The first is a dependent clause and the second, an independent clause)
4. as if it was a ghost. (Subjunctive tense: As if it were a ghost)
Some overall advice: In some places you use a lot of words to say something simple. It is a good practice to look at every sentence you write and say, how can I make this less wordy and still get across my meaning.
Just as an example:
"Even though there was a little light against the darkness, the forest still felt uneasy."
(The forest felt uneasy in the dim light)
You also use "was" a lot. This generally means you are using passive construction instead of active voice. You should probably try and re-word about 80% of them.
An example:
"I was doing my best to defend myself"
(I defended myself as best I could)
Your way isn't wrong, it just is not as strong.
I enjoyed your story. Keep writing! Julie
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
