The wind
A short coronavirus lament20 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
Very nice, Caroline. This was a beautiful poem about the unfortunate separation of friends during the trying time of Covid lockdowns. I loved your use of the wind with it's freedom to be able to go anywhere while we humans were stuck in place apart from each other.
The meter was terrific, and you seem to have a very natural feel for it. Were you dissatisfied with the sound of any of the lines?
To me the only one worth changing to keep that beautiful iambic pattern going would be this one, coupled with the next line:
and we each one is solitary,
confined in our own jar,
Notice the extra syllable at the end of "solitary"? It is an unstressed syllable. Ideally then, the next sound should be stressed; however, "confined" begins with an unstressed syllable. As I mentioned in my previous response to you, it's fine to have an extra unstressed syllable at the end like that, but with iambic meter, it flows a lot better if the next syllable is stressed. The following line then becomes trochaic, but so what? It flows better.
Two options: Change the first line or the second. Here are suggestions illustrating both ways:
and solitary are we now
confined in our own jar
or
and we each one is solitary
----- in our own jar.
Fill in the blank with one of these: held, stuck, moored, trapped, mired
(Incidentally, I found these on a great website for poets called wordhippo.com. You can find not only synonyms, but rhyming words there too. I use it often when I can't think of a word or need one with different accented syllables, or am stuck for a rhyme.)
Personally, I prefer the first suggestion, because I think "and we each one is solitary" just sounds a little odd. But that's just me, and either solution--or something else using the same ideas--would also work. Totally your choice. - Jim
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Very nice, Caroline. This was a beautiful poem about the unfortunate separation of friends during the trying time of Covid lockdowns. I loved your use of the wind with it's freedom to be able to go anywhere while we humans were stuck in place apart from each other.
The meter was terrific, and you seem to have a very natural feel for it. Were you dissatisfied with the sound of any of the lines?
To me the only one worth changing to keep that beautiful iambic pattern going would be this one, coupled with the next line:
and we each one is solitary,
confined in our own jar,
Notice the extra syllable at the end of "solitary"? It is an unstressed syllable. Ideally then, the next sound should be stressed; however, "confined" begins with an unstressed syllable. As I mentioned in my previous response to you, it's fine to have an extra unstressed syllable at the end like that, but with iambic meter, it flows a lot better if the next syllable is stressed. The following line then becomes trochaic, but so what? It flows better.
Two options: Change the first line or the second. Here are suggestions illustrating both ways:
and solitary are we now
confined in our own jar
or
and we each one is solitary
----- in our own jar.
Fill in the blank with one of these: held, stuck, moored, trapped, mired
(Incidentally, I found these on a great website for poets called wordhippo.com. You can find not only synonyms, but rhyming words there too. I use it often when I can't think of a word or need one with different accented syllables, or am stuck for a rhyme.)
Personally, I prefer the first suggestion, because I think "and we each one is solitary" just sounds a little odd. But that's just me, and either solution--or something else using the same ideas--would also work. Totally your choice. - Jim
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Ok this is really useful (again?) Word hippo looks a great site - thanks for the pointer.
I shall give your suggestions some careful thought - but you have clearly explained this. I might keep the "and we, each one, is solitary" - I realise that the grammar is an issue with the singular form, but the stilted nature of this line was deliberate to highlight the separation between us - but trapped is good! I?ll have a think - thanks Jim!
Comment from bob cullen
This is beautifully written. The word flow rolls so easily off the tongue. It's smooth and it maintains a rhythm that delivers a delightful and welcoming message.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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This is beautifully written. The word flow rolls so easily off the tongue. It's smooth and it maintains a rhythm that delivers a delightful and welcoming message.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Hi Bob, thanks so much for your lovely review, I?m so glad you liked it.
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I love the artwork, Caroline. Very nice.
-Your notes are appreciated.
-I like your poem very much
because it comes from your heart.
-Vivid imagery and rhyme create a
vivid word picture and peaceful mood.
-I like how you address the wind in line one
and how you personify it, as well.
-The lines about being solitary,
"confined in our own jar," are excellent.
-I like the rest of your poem very much, too.
-A very good entry; good luck in the contest!!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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-I love the artwork, Caroline. Very nice.
-Your notes are appreciated.
-I like your poem very much
because it comes from your heart.
-Vivid imagery and rhyme create a
vivid word picture and peaceful mood.
-I like how you address the wind in line one
and how you personify it, as well.
-The lines about being solitary,
"confined in our own jar," are excellent.
-I like the rest of your poem very much, too.
-A very good entry; good luck in the contest!!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Thank you Pam, delighted to receive a precious 6th star! Thanks so much. Thank you too for your thoughtful review and yes it was indeed from the heart.
I?m glad you can see the photo now - I just needed to crop it a bit more as it was too big to show.
With best wishes ago you Pam
Caroline
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You are very welcome and deserving, Caroline. The size of the picture makes a big difference.
Comment from BlueMarble
Welcome to the club - I am so glad I got a chance to see this wonderful description of what we all felt in the loneliness and isolation not so long ago. It was beautifully written and I'm sure it is going to go well in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Welcome to the club - I am so glad I got a chance to see this wonderful description of what we all felt in the loneliness and isolation not so long ago. It was beautifully written and I'm sure it is going to go well in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Thank you Joan for your kind review and welcome. Im so glad you liked it. It does feel a world away now though doesn?t it?! Thank you too concerning the competition. Much appreciated.
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is a beautiful piece written in a time of despair but also a time to reflect and get to know our souls again.
You have done a beautiful job with this, and each friend should feel lucky to have you when friends "so near are far."
Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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This is a beautiful piece written in a time of despair but also a time to reflect and get to know our souls again.
You have done a beautiful job with this, and each friend should feel lucky to have you when friends "so near are far."
Best, JohnC
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Thank you John, yes I think you have that spot on - a real time for reflection without even the interruptions from car engines and aircraft to deflect our thoughts.
Thank you for your sweet comments, I feel lucky indeed to have my friends.
Best wishes John and I look forward to reading your work too.
Caroline
Comment from Jeano
This is a beautifully written poem with so much feeling. Hard to believe it was inspired by such a dreaded time in our history, but people like you can make the most of a bad situation. Very nicely done. I hope you and yours all got through covid unscathed.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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This is a beautifully written poem with so much feeling. Hard to believe it was inspired by such a dreaded time in our history, but people like you can make the most of a bad situation. Very nicely done. I hope you and yours all got through covid unscathed.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Thank you Jeano for your lovely review - it is much appreciated, as too is the 6! I certainly felt the shock and pain of separation when I wrote it and a wistfulness about not being able to hug my friends.
We did get through unscathed thank you, and learnt a few things about ourselves along the way!
With very best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I felt the loneliness in these words, the isolation and the loss is evident in this poem as Covid forced us all to be solitary. I hope that we never have to go through that period of time again. You captured the lonely emotions in this skilful poem Caroline, much enjoyed, you have a wonderful talent at your fingertips, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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I felt the loneliness in these words, the isolation and the loss is evident in this poem as Covid forced us all to be solitary. I hope that we never have to go through that period of time again. You captured the lonely emotions in this skilful poem Caroline, much enjoyed, you have a wonderful talent at your fingertips, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Dolly, thank you so much for your kind review. I can?t tell you how good it has made me feel! Thank you. I partly joined this platform to build my confidence in writing so that I can talk about it as my writing relates to my work. Up until now I have shied away from talking about that fact. I didn?t realise what a lovely community of writers it is too, nor that it would make me step outside of my comfort zone and attempt some of the poem forms I have never attempted. Thank you so much Dolly.
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You will grow as a poet here Caroline and I look forward o reading your work, love Dolly x
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What a lovely comment - thank you Dolly! 🤗
Comment from QC Poet
We in the USA were also locked down in California it was video and phone calls for a year or so. Beautifully written and expressed story of that period. Hope we both don't have to go through that again. Blessings
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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We in the USA were also locked down in California it was video and phone calls for a year or so. Beautifully written and expressed story of that period. Hope we both don't have to go through that again. Blessings
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Indeed! I hope not too, although without it I might never have strayed back into poetry. I started recording myself reading poems I thought my mother would like. Reading so much poetry inspired me to start writing it myself and
I wrote much sitting up on top of the moors. Blessings to you too.
Thanks so much for the review.
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Wendy G
Lovely poem - I guessed it was written in the early stages of the Covid epidemic. Yes, each one was locked in his/her own jar (great expression). I enjoyed the thoughts of the wind carrying love and good wishes to far away loved ones.
Wendy
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Lovely poem - I guessed it was written in the early stages of the Covid epidemic. Yes, each one was locked in his/her own jar (great expression). I enjoyed the thoughts of the wind carrying love and good wishes to far away loved ones.
Wendy
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Thank you Wendy for your review. Talking about the jar also put me in mind of Sylvia Plath and I liked the association with her imagery.
Thanks again Wendy,
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Yusita
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem about your thoughts spoken to the wind. Knowing the backstory/inspiration behind it, the words are even more understandable. A lovely, creative, and well-written piece.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem about your thoughts spoken to the wind. Knowing the backstory/inspiration behind it, the words are even more understandable. A lovely, creative, and well-written piece.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2024
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Thank you Yusita, I very much appreciate your comments (again).
With my best wishes
Caroline