The Last of Winter
A poem about the fleeting beauty of the mountain hare31 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Caroline,
Welcome to the site.
This is a good abcb rhyming poem that personifies Winter well. It shows how Winter tries its best to stay as long as possible. Most times longer than we want it too. That is why he seems so lonely at the end. It leaves some strong images too with your metaphors.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Congrats on placing third in the contest.
Have a wonderful rest of the day.
Joan
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Hi Caroline,
Welcome to the site.
This is a good abcb rhyming poem that personifies Winter well. It shows how Winter tries its best to stay as long as possible. Most times longer than we want it too. That is why he seems so lonely at the end. It leaves some strong images too with your metaphors.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Congrats on placing third in the contest.
Have a wonderful rest of the day.
Joan
Comment Written 07-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Hi Joan, thanks for your lovely review, welcome and comments. With best wishes
Caroline
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You are most kindly welcome on all accounts, Caroline.
Joan
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Beautiful - both the photo and the words you wrote to go with it. You are so lucky to live where you can see these sights on a morning walk. Your poem brought a smile to my lips and I saw nothing that needs correction or improvement. Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Beautiful - both the photo and the words you wrote to go with it. You are so lucky to live where you can see these sights on a morning walk. Your poem brought a smile to my lips and I saw nothing that needs correction or improvement. Great job.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much Sherry. I?m glad you enjoyed it - and it certainly is a lovely place to live. 😊
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
Excellent writing. It is full of good emotion and imagery. The photo image supports your words well and is perfect for the challenge. Thank you for sharing this. Many writers will relate to this. I enjoyed reviewing it.
Best wishes!
Alex
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Excellent writing. It is full of good emotion and imagery. The photo image supports your words well and is perfect for the challenge. Thank you for sharing this. Many writers will relate to this. I enjoyed reviewing it.
Best wishes!
Alex
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Alex for your lovely review. It is much appreciated.
Best wishes
Caroline
Comment from Lisasview
Good morning Caroline,
So strange because I could have sworn that I already reviewed our lovely poem and perfect photo image to go with it... But alas... Ido not see my thoughts on a review for you... Maybe I just read it and did not type anything..
Ah well...
This is such a great poem for the contest...
Lisa
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Good morning Caroline,
So strange because I could have sworn that I already reviewed our lovely poem and perfect photo image to go with it... But alas... Ido not see my thoughts on a review for you... Maybe I just read it and did not type anything..
Ah well...
This is such a great poem for the contest...
Lisa
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much. Much appreciated.
Best wishes
Caroline
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You are quite welcome
Comment from Navada
Congrats on joining FanStory and putting up your first post! I really enjoyed the imagery you employed here and the regal atmosphere it created when describing this beautiful little inhabitant. :)
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Congrats on joining FanStory and putting up your first post! I really enjoyed the imagery you employed here and the regal atmosphere it created when describing this beautiful little inhabitant. :)
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you Nevada, much appreciated. :-)
Comment from Douglas Goff
This is great! I really enjoyed your descriptive talent. You have a great skill at drawing a picture with your words.
One question:
His spirit like some magic here
A lonesome winter king
(Did you mean 'hare' instead of 'here' ?)
Regardless, most excellent Master Poet!
D
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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This is great! I really enjoyed your descriptive talent. You have a great skill at drawing a picture with your words.
One question:
His spirit like some magic here
A lonesome winter king
(Did you mean 'hare' instead of 'here' ?)
Regardless, most excellent Master Poet!
D
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Haha! Thank you very much Douglas for your most kind review. I very much appreciate your comments. I actually did mean here - as I was referring to the top of the moors rather than down in the valley. I wrote the poem sitting up on the moor so it probably made more sense to me up there than it did to you reading it!
Best wishes and thanks again Douglas.
Caroline
Comment from Jim Wile
Welcome to FanStory, Caroline. We are so happy to have you join us, and I think you will find this to be a very enjoyable experience. It sounds like you have a wonderful background from your profile with an interest in sharing your work with and learning from your peers.
You may want to check out, if you haven't already, a book with many tips for new members that was recently compiled by a number of the members here. I can't give you a link to it because links in reviews aren't allowed (for some strange reason), but one way you can get to it is to click on my link--Jim Wile--that you'll see on this page, then on the left you will see a link for Portfolio. When you get to my portfolio, click on the Books tab, and you'll see the second entry down called "Posting & Reviewing for Newbies." Don't click on it but look for the button on it that says "Show Chapters" and click on it to see all 12 chapters in the book. There are many helpful tips in the book.
This is a beautiful poem you have written about the last vestiges of winter that appear on the moor, centering around the mountain hare. Your imagery evokes the frigid chill of the moor in winter, but the hare has begun shedding his winter coat with the promise of spring soon to come.
The rhyming is perfect, and the meter almost perfect with its alternating 4/3-foot iambic structure. I noticed 3 lines that were just a little off that could easily be improved with minor tweaks.
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For the east wind returns at will
You have the double unstressed syllables before the stressed "east," but then the reader has to insert a mental pause between "east" and "wind" for this to stay in rhythm. This 4-foot line could instead say, for example:
The east wind might return at will
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This pair of lines:
I see the very last of winter;
A silhouette on the hill.
There is an extra unstressed syllable at the end of the first of these lines, which is fine to do as long as the the next line begins with a stressed syllable to keep the iambic pattern going, but that isn't the case here. Perhaps:
I see the last of winter's signs:
A silhouette on the hill.
It's fine to have an occasional exceptional word like silhouette with its three syllables here because it can be said in the time of two and keep a steady beat (as in silwet).
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Though his soot dusted twitching ears
Maybe this instead:
Although his soot-like twitching ears
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Other than those very few instances, it flowed beautifully, making this a lovely, melodic poem. A great start! - Jim
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Welcome to FanStory, Caroline. We are so happy to have you join us, and I think you will find this to be a very enjoyable experience. It sounds like you have a wonderful background from your profile with an interest in sharing your work with and learning from your peers.
You may want to check out, if you haven't already, a book with many tips for new members that was recently compiled by a number of the members here. I can't give you a link to it because links in reviews aren't allowed (for some strange reason), but one way you can get to it is to click on my link--Jim Wile--that you'll see on this page, then on the left you will see a link for Portfolio. When you get to my portfolio, click on the Books tab, and you'll see the second entry down called "Posting & Reviewing for Newbies." Don't click on it but look for the button on it that says "Show Chapters" and click on it to see all 12 chapters in the book. There are many helpful tips in the book.
This is a beautiful poem you have written about the last vestiges of winter that appear on the moor, centering around the mountain hare. Your imagery evokes the frigid chill of the moor in winter, but the hare has begun shedding his winter coat with the promise of spring soon to come.
The rhyming is perfect, and the meter almost perfect with its alternating 4/3-foot iambic structure. I noticed 3 lines that were just a little off that could easily be improved with minor tweaks.
-----------------------------------
For the east wind returns at will
You have the double unstressed syllables before the stressed "east," but then the reader has to insert a mental pause between "east" and "wind" for this to stay in rhythm. This 4-foot line could instead say, for example:
The east wind might return at will
----------------------------------
This pair of lines:
I see the very last of winter;
A silhouette on the hill.
There is an extra unstressed syllable at the end of the first of these lines, which is fine to do as long as the the next line begins with a stressed syllable to keep the iambic pattern going, but that isn't the case here. Perhaps:
I see the last of winter's signs:
A silhouette on the hill.
It's fine to have an occasional exceptional word like silhouette with its three syllables here because it can be said in the time of two and keep a steady beat (as in silwet).
------------------------------
Though his soot dusted twitching ears
Maybe this instead:
Although his soot-like twitching ears
-----------------------------------
Other than those very few instances, it flowed beautifully, making this a lovely, melodic poem. A great start! - Jim
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Wow Jim, what an exceptionally useful review! Thank you.
Although I studied English literature at A level, I recall nothing of the rules of Iambic pentameter, and have only recently started writing poems as an adult (I wrote a lot as a child). I write based on what feels right instinctively so your comments are extremely useful. I shall use my time on this platform to learn more and when I stray from the meter or rhyme scheme to do so knowingly!
I have reviewed your comments and changed the first 2 - I used "the last of winter?s blasts" instead of "signs"
You are indeed the right - the flow and meter are definitely enhanced. Thank you so much.
I have not (yet) changed the "soot-dusted twitching ears" as it is the meaning of only the very tips of his ears being black that I want to convey here. I shall ponder this one some more.
Thank you so much for the wonderful welcome and comments. It is very much appreciated!
I?d love you to read two other poems of mine - the wind and Snap Snap and give me any comments/advice should you have time at any point!
With my best wishes
Caroline
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I will, Caroline. Your instinct for meter is extremely good. If you would like to read an essay called "My Thoughts on Meter in Poetry" that I posted a while back, you can find it by looking under the Poetry tab in my portfolio. It's long, but it's not a scholarly essay. It's written more as tips with a bit of introductory background and definition of terms so we are all on the same page.
I'll take a look at your other poems today.
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Perfect, bookmarked and started. Thanks Jim.
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! What a lovely poem about your encounter with the hare. I loved your description of his colors and movement as "ghost of winter's snow-storm;
A blizzard taking flight." Best wishes in the contest!
And Welcome to Fanstory! I see that you just started this month! Please feel free to message any of us questions about how to do things. But I see you know how to promote. Also, in the Social menu, there are various clubs for challenges to do to keep inspired to write about something. Since you are interested in Flash Fiction, I welcome you to try the Flash Fiction/Nonfiction. I try to find an interesting news article to inspire a flash story.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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Wow! What a lovely poem about your encounter with the hare. I loved your description of his colors and movement as "ghost of winter's snow-storm;
A blizzard taking flight." Best wishes in the contest!
And Welcome to Fanstory! I see that you just started this month! Please feel free to message any of us questions about how to do things. But I see you know how to promote. Also, in the Social menu, there are various clubs for challenges to do to keep inspired to write about something. Since you are interested in Flash Fiction, I welcome you to try the Flash Fiction/Nonfiction. I try to find an interesting news article to inspire a flash story.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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Thank you Helen, :-)
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I write Japanese poetry and I can appreciate poems about nature with strong imagery. I never write rhymed poems but I can appreciate when they are well written.
Well done
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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I write Japanese poetry and I can appreciate poems about nature with strong imagery. I never write rhymed poems but I can appreciate when they are well written.
Well done
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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Thank you Gypsy, and lovely quote. :-)
Comment from jake cosmos aller
congratulations on your first poem. I like this pastoral poem about finding a hare in the winter in the mountains near your house. Good descriptive language.
oh an formating tip. if you choose the advance editor, and click paste from word the formating should be better. otherwise it is hard to format properly.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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congratulations on your first poem. I like this pastoral poem about finding a hare in the winter in the mountains near your house. Good descriptive language.
oh an formating tip. if you choose the advance editor, and click paste from word the formating should be better. otherwise it is hard to format properly.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much Jake, I?m glad you enjoyed it. They are wonderful creatures.
Aha - I have just tried that on a subsequent poem and I think it?s worked better - I think I still have much to learn! Thank you. :-)
