Shattered
Flash 80 words15 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Julie,
What a great Flash-80! I have to assume this old woman died as she was looking at the old photograph. She was a spinster, never having married, and spent her entire life in that old house. Her parents eventually passed away, and any brothers or sisters married and moved away. She didn't have enough income to keep the place in good repair, and the weather had beaten it down, much the same as life had beaten her down.
I liked the way you staged her death ... painless, "a whisper brushing by".
Also, the differing moment of time, from her hobbling forward to "She took off, skipping and laughing, as the sun sank below the horizon."
The only thing I wondered about, did she become a ghost or was this her light and happy soul venturing outside and feeling like a child again on her way to Heaven (which I believe is very close to Earth, I don't see our souls zipping off into space.)
Congratulations on winning the contest! It doesn't surprise me at all.
I counted exactly 80 words. Not easy to tell the tale so distinctly in such a short story.
Nicely penned!
Hugs,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2024
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Hi Julie,
What a great Flash-80! I have to assume this old woman died as she was looking at the old photograph. She was a spinster, never having married, and spent her entire life in that old house. Her parents eventually passed away, and any brothers or sisters married and moved away. She didn't have enough income to keep the place in good repair, and the weather had beaten it down, much the same as life had beaten her down.
I liked the way you staged her death ... painless, "a whisper brushing by".
Also, the differing moment of time, from her hobbling forward to "She took off, skipping and laughing, as the sun sank below the horizon."
The only thing I wondered about, did she become a ghost or was this her light and happy soul venturing outside and feeling like a child again on her way to Heaven (which I believe is very close to Earth, I don't see our souls zipping off into space.)
Congratulations on winning the contest! It doesn't surprise me at all.
I counted exactly 80 words. Not easy to tell the tale so distinctly in such a short story.
Nicely penned!
Hugs,
Kimbob
Comment Written 09-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2024
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Thanks so much Kimbob for such a detailed review! And boy did you really fill in details. You have a an incredibly creative mind. The end is open to interpretation. I figure it will vary depending on peoples view of the afterlife. Essentially she went into the afterlife, her time here was done.
And thanks so much for the six stars. I feel bad you did this with an article that was no longer paying anything. All my best to you! Julie
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Having your story reach "Recognized" is enough reward for me, Julie. I often do this for my regular fans. I learned it from Karenina. I had many posts that were stuck at 14 or 25, and one night she reviewed the whole lot right back to when I joined Fanstory in 2010. It was an incredible surprise that following morning... so many messages that I had reached "Recognized" or "All Time Best". Karenina stayed up most of the night!
Hugs,
Kimbob
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That is really sweet! I am still learning the ins and outs here about how things work. So all good information. But again thanks so much!
Comment from Douglas Goff
What an awesome piece of flash fiction. Very creative. I have been spending the evening reading your older pieces and was shocked to see this contest winner had no Six Star Review.
I corrected that injustice. Great piece!
D
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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What an awesome piece of flash fiction. Very creative. I have been spending the evening reading your older pieces and was shocked to see this contest winner had no Six Star Review.
I corrected that injustice. Great piece!
D
Comment Written 03-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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Douglas, you are so kind! Thank you for your encouraging words and all the exceptional stars. :-)
Julie
Comment from Cathy Cade
Loved the "muted ... sepia tones" and "cracks (that) spidered the glass face". I can see this picture. Also the positivity. I can envision her earthly body left behind as she "passed through" and took off into her childhood landscape.
Would that we all passed with "just a whisper".
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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Loved the "muted ... sepia tones" and "cracks (that) spidered the glass face". I can see this picture. Also the positivity. I can envision her earthly body left behind as she "passed through" and took off into her childhood landscape.
Would that we all passed with "just a whisper".
Comment Written 23-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from Wendy G
An interesting flash fiction, and a thought-provoking one, which means it was well-written. The language used was clear and the scene relatable. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2024
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An interesting flash fiction, and a thought-provoking one, which means it was well-written. The language used was clear and the scene relatable. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 22-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much!
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
At first, the old woman was in despair and then looked at a photo, felt sad, and then excitedly skipped away into the sunset. She must have taken her pain pill being she changed her attitude in a hurry.
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At first, the old woman was in despair and then looked at a photo, felt sad, and then excitedly skipped away into the sunset. She must have taken her pain pill being she changed her attitude in a hurry.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2024
Comment from Lisasview
This definitely is a mix of feelings dear mystery writer.
It appears she old, sad and alone in her house of disrepair... and, then she skips off like a child skipping and laughing??
Lisasview
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2024
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This definitely is a mix of feelings dear mystery writer.
It appears she old, sad and alone in her house of disrepair... and, then she skips off like a child skipping and laughing??
Lisasview
Comment Written 21-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2024
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Yes, passing through the photo represents a transition (open to interpretation). This is a greatly truncated version of the original I wrote, so is probably harder to figure out what's going on. Thanks for reading!
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Thank you for explaining..
I appreciate it.
Lisa
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This lovely post has poignancy and happiness blended imaginatively together. I think it's a very creative idea for her to transition back to her youth in this way and what I particularly like is the vivid nature of the scene so beautifully expressed in the last paragraph. Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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This lovely post has poignancy and happiness blended imaginatively together. I think it's a very creative idea for her to transition back to her youth in this way and what I particularly like is the vivid nature of the scene so beautifully expressed in the last paragraph. Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you for your encouraging review!
Comment from Barry Penfold
Liked this a lot. Introduction set the scene nicely and I could envisage the scene as if I was there. Touching story and a happy ending. Really, what more could you want.
Keep safe and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Liked this a lot. Introduction set the scene nicely and I could envisage the scene as if I was there. Touching story and a happy ending. Really, what more could you want.
Keep safe and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Mrs. KT
Hello, Mystery Writer,
How I so wish I had six stars to affix on your exceptionally well-crafted 80 Word Flash Fiction.
Your protagonist reminds me of my own mother...How she would have loved to have taken off at the end of her life, "skipping and laughing, as the sun sank below the horizon." Come to think of it, so would I...
Best Wishes!
diane
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Hello, Mystery Writer,
How I so wish I had six stars to affix on your exceptionally well-crafted 80 Word Flash Fiction.
Your protagonist reminds me of my own mother...How she would have loved to have taken off at the end of her life, "skipping and laughing, as the sun sank below the horizon." Come to think of it, so would I...
Best Wishes!
diane
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind words and virtual 6 :-)
Comment from Mario PIERRE
Very well-imagined story. It evokes emotions, and there is a clear and present cloud of nostalgia all through. The ending lends to interpretation, but I prefer to see it as her vivid imagination carries her eighty years back, when she was skipping ropes as a child.
Neat and clean! Well done!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Very well-imagined story. It evokes emotions, and there is a clear and present cloud of nostalgia all through. The ending lends to interpretation, but I prefer to see it as her vivid imagination carries her eighty years back, when she was skipping ropes as a child.
Neat and clean! Well done!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you!
