What We See
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "What We See - Chapter 2"A wrongly accused teacher reinvents his life
29 total reviews
Comment from Neonewman
Alright, I'm getting a better handle on the situation and have gotten to know David. I have found your novel on dyslexia and will move forward with it. I read slower than others, but I plan to read at least one chapter a day.
You are great at your craft.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Alright, I'm getting a better handle on the situation and have gotten to know David. I have found your novel on dyslexia and will move forward with it. I read slower than others, but I plan to read at least one chapter a day.
You are great at your craft.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Thanks very much, Steve. That's very kind of you. Let me know if anything doesn't quite jibe with your experience of dyslexia.
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In my experience, every person is different, some mild, some extreme. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I struggle with vowels, ght's, and other random letters. At work we abbeviate deposit, dep, and almost everytime I put dpe. Also, Y,X,V and sometimes z.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jim,
At the beginning of the chapter, it would probably be customary fr David to have been escorted to collect his belongs and them off campus.
the mildly dyslexic thing rings true. That's how it works for me.
Another good solid instalment here. I like this piece very much.
just a thought that the cat could be important if you wanted to develop it as a means to prove David's innocence (Tina could be allergic but showed no reaction, fo example).
All the best
G
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Hi Jim,
At the beginning of the chapter, it would probably be customary fr David to have been escorted to collect his belongs and them off campus.
the mildly dyslexic thing rings true. That's how it works for me.
Another good solid instalment here. I like this piece very much.
just a thought that the cat could be important if you wanted to develop it as a means to prove David's innocence (Tina could be allergic but showed no reaction, fo example).
All the best
G
Comment Written 14-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks for your great and thoughtful review, G.
I'm not dyslexic, which you'll see becomes a major theme of the book, and all my knowledge of it comes through research. If you continue reading and see anything that doesn't ring true, don't hesitate to let me know about it. You certainly seem to have compensated very well for your dyslexia, from what I've seen from your work.
Great idea about the cat. I've heard this from others too, and I'll be sure to have him influence the direction in some way.
Comment from Teri7
Jim, This is a really good chapter you have penned. Now I am going to have to go back and read chapter one. You used great dialogue and very good descriptive words. Thanks for sharing. Teri
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Jim, This is a really good chapter you have penned. Now I am going to have to go back and read chapter one. You used great dialogue and very good descriptive words. Thanks for sharing. Teri
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks very much, Teri. I hope you enjoy that one too.
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I did enjoy that one too my friend! Keep on writing! Blessings, Teri
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a good read Jim, and I think things like this would stop many males from going into the teaching profession. His chat with Bobby has brought out some intrigue in the whole setup. Just one thing, though enjoyed the comfort ending with Archie it seemed a bit too wordy. Cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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This is a good read Jim, and I think things like this would stop many males from going into the teaching profession. His chat with Bobby has brought out some intrigue in the whole setup. Just one thing, though enjoyed the comfort ending with Archie it seemed a bit too wordy. Cheers,
valda
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Pearl. I think you're probably right about men and teaching, especially at the middle or high school level. I agree with you about the Archie part. I've gone back and shortened it. Thanks for that!
Comment from lancellot
Well, there seems to be a lot of rumors and convenient circumstances, and timing so far. Of course, we have yet to find out why this is happening to a random guy, and why the obvious isn't thought of or mentioned.
notes:
I am mildly dyslexic,
- Things are adding up.
There's no proof of my version of things,
- Yes, there is. Even in the 80's there were tests for weed. Tina said he was high and smoking. A lawyer and a drug test would show a lie.
"Well, you could be right. I don't know what to tell you, pal. I'm not sure what I'd do about it if it was me.
- Now, this is stretching things. Have neither of these people heard of a Teacher's union or a lawyer?
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Well, there seems to be a lot of rumors and convenient circumstances, and timing so far. Of course, we have yet to find out why this is happening to a random guy, and why the obvious isn't thought of or mentioned.
notes:
I am mildly dyslexic,
- Things are adding up.
There's no proof of my version of things,
- Yes, there is. Even in the 80's there were tests for weed. Tina said he was high and smoking. A lawyer and a drug test would show a lie.
"Well, you could be right. I don't know what to tell you, pal. I'm not sure what I'd do about it if it was me.
- Now, this is stretching things. Have neither of these people heard of a Teacher's union or a lawyer?
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Very good point about the union. I debated whether or not to include that and have gone back and forth on it, but you've convinced me to talk about it. I will do that for draft #2. Thanks, as always, for your great input, Lance.
Comment from estory
I thought this was interesting in that it was told from the accused guy's point of view; so many of these stories today are told from the politically correct girl's point of view. I thought the dialogue brought up the anxiety one feels when accused of a serious crime, the narrative was tense and tight with emotion too. Usually there's two sides to every story, here we have one side, and I have to ask, why would he put himself in this situation and agree to tutor this kid alone in the first place? But these things happen, and I think the story speaks to the fact that women tend to manipulate men in these situations as much as men manipulate women. estory
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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I thought this was interesting in that it was told from the accused guy's point of view; so many of these stories today are told from the politically correct girl's point of view. I thought the dialogue brought up the anxiety one feels when accused of a serious crime, the narrative was tense and tight with emotion too. Usually there's two sides to every story, here we have one side, and I have to ask, why would he put himself in this situation and agree to tutor this kid alone in the first place? But these things happen, and I think the story speaks to the fact that women tend to manipulate men in these situations as much as men manipulate women. estory
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks very much for this thoughtful review. Yes, he had his doubts about letting her in, and he went against his instincts. However, in his favor, he did try to call the mother and tell her where her daughter was and why. He's a bit of a softy, and you're right--hot, young girls can be very manipulative and get what they want often.
Comment from Aaron Milavec
Powerfully written. You have mastered the fine art of using conversation to narrate and complexify a story. Throughout the chapter, tension mounts, and the character of David is forcefully portrayed.
Only one flaw I noticed: The [They] said she escaped.
Peace and joy,
Aaron
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Powerfully written. You have mastered the fine art of using conversation to narrate and complexify a story. Throughout the chapter, tension mounts, and the character of David is forcefully portrayed.
Only one flaw I noticed: The [They] said she escaped.
Peace and joy,
Aaron
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Aaron. I appreciate that very much. Thanks also for the good catch.
Comment from Sabrina H.
Great chapter, loved the dialogue. I feel bad for David and I'm interested on what he will do. Call me hooked on the story. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors.
Keep writing:)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Great chapter, loved the dialogue. I feel bad for David and I'm interested on what he will do. Call me hooked on the story. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors.
Keep writing:)
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Oh, I plan to! Thanks so much for your complimentary review. You may get a small hint of the direction he will go soon.
Comment from Julie Helms
You definitely have a gripping storyline going here! David is in a really horrible position he doesn't deserve to be in.
My overall impression is that you use a lot of words. I think it might be helpful, maybe just as an exercise to start, to eliminate 1/3 of the words and see how you feel about it. The phone conversation I think would be more realistic if everything wasn't so explained. And the final section with the cat, could be shortened quite a bit and still get across the sense of comfort that the cat is providing David. Everything just felt too wordy and too fully explained, if that makes sense. Leave more room for the reader to infer motivation and emotion based on fewer well-chosen words.
But I think you have a really good story going and I enjoyed it thank you! Julie.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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You definitely have a gripping storyline going here! David is in a really horrible position he doesn't deserve to be in.
My overall impression is that you use a lot of words. I think it might be helpful, maybe just as an exercise to start, to eliminate 1/3 of the words and see how you feel about it. The phone conversation I think would be more realistic if everything wasn't so explained. And the final section with the cat, could be shortened quite a bit and still get across the sense of comfort that the cat is providing David. Everything just felt too wordy and too fully explained, if that makes sense. Leave more room for the reader to infer motivation and emotion based on fewer well-chosen words.
But I think you have a really good story going and I enjoyed it thank you! Julie.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much, Julie. Those are great observations and suggestions you've made. You've nailed my tendency when writing. It's part of my background as a computer guy to be extremely clear when I write, and I know I tend to get a bit wordy and overly "explained" as you say. I will try to be more subtle and leave a little more to the reader's imagination in the future. Thanks for the heads up.
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I'll have you know, one reason I'm good at picking out that particular issue is because I used to do it really really badly myself. My writing teacher was constantly telling me...fewer words! Stop spoon feeding me every piece of information! Lol! So I got sort of sensitized to it. Thanks so much for your kind response and the reviewer vote. Sincerely,
a fellow wordy addict.
:-)
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Your teacher was spot on. It's great advice.
Comment from Jessica Wheeler
Jim, I've just read the first two chapters, and I'm beyond intrigued! I'm a Meter Man fan through and through- and though your poetry forever remains at the top of my site favorites, I'm excited to delve into the other part of your "Wile Style" penning. I'm digging the idea behind this story, and I love how it explores the other side of an all too common situation. In reality, a young, attractive, high school male teacher could easily face this type of situation. Unfortunately, he is far less likely to receive any benefit of the doubt. It's sad that there are many girls like Tina out there, who would exploit that. In fact, I've known a few girls just like this Tina, lol... I'm so excited to follow along as this story unfolds!
Xo
Jess
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Jim, I've just read the first two chapters, and I'm beyond intrigued! I'm a Meter Man fan through and through- and though your poetry forever remains at the top of my site favorites, I'm excited to delve into the other part of your "Wile Style" penning. I'm digging the idea behind this story, and I love how it explores the other side of an all too common situation. In reality, a young, attractive, high school male teacher could easily face this type of situation. Unfortunately, he is far less likely to receive any benefit of the doubt. It's sad that there are many girls like Tina out there, who would exploit that. In fact, I've known a few girls just like this Tina, lol... I'm so excited to follow along as this story unfolds!
Xo
Jess
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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I'm so happy you've found the story, Jess, and thanks so much for the 6 stars. This is my first non-golf novel (I've written 5 of those), so it's new ground for me. I'm finding it harder and slower to write than those.
What you've said is so true about young, male teachers, such that I'm sure many don't go into the teaching profession anymore for that reason. Such a shame. This part actually will be more of a sub-plot to the larger story which will become clearer pretty soon.