Girls like Us
A woman returns to her former home on Halloween20 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Good example of animation It will drive the reader in. The reader is left with mystery of the identification of the male referenced. More mystery: "He still doesn't lock the back door, even tonight of all nights. It's as though he enjoys the thrill of it, thinking someone might try to break in at any moment." The plot thickens: " I know what's coming. It's the reason why I'm here. This is the night he'll kill her." This is excellent. You are a very good writer. A+
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Good example of animation It will drive the reader in. The reader is left with mystery of the identification of the male referenced. More mystery: "He still doesn't lock the back door, even tonight of all nights. It's as though he enjoys the thrill of it, thinking someone might try to break in at any moment." The plot thickens: " I know what's coming. It's the reason why I'm here. This is the night he'll kill her." This is excellent. You are a very good writer. A+
Comment Written 15-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the six stars and for taking the time to read. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Yes don't ever become discouraged march on. If there's anything I can do to make things easier for you on this confusing sight, let me know please feel free to ask
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is incredibly cute. I have to tell you your style of writing is unique in presentation. They engage the reader without your characters being too overwrought or your words too flowery.
If I had to say anything about your work, it would be to show more than you tell. This ending paragraph for example:
With that, we drift off into the night and into the forest, passing straight through the thick trunks as though they're made of smoke, as we disappear to join our sisters.
Perhaps:
With that, we levitate, Goergina's hair flowing behind her as we slip through the night and into the forest. I glance at Georgina, and she flinches as we pass through the thick trunks of the giant oaks. Her arm, outstretched as if to protect her from looming impact. I smile and hold her hand a bit tighter and we disappear into the darkness to join our sisters.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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This is incredibly cute. I have to tell you your style of writing is unique in presentation. They engage the reader without your characters being too overwrought or your words too flowery.
If I had to say anything about your work, it would be to show more than you tell. This ending paragraph for example:
With that, we drift off into the night and into the forest, passing straight through the thick trunks as though they're made of smoke, as we disappear to join our sisters.
Perhaps:
With that, we levitate, Goergina's hair flowing behind her as we slip through the night and into the forest. I glance at Georgina, and she flinches as we pass through the thick trunks of the giant oaks. Her arm, outstretched as if to protect her from looming impact. I smile and hold her hand a bit tighter and we disappear into the darkness to join our sisters.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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Thank you John and for the detailed review as well. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I could swear I already read and reviewed this. It is good. It held my interest all the way through. It is getting colder here in Houston,Texas I hope you have a good weekend. Karen
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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I could swear I already read and reviewed this. It is good. It held my interest all the way through. It is getting colder here in Houston,Texas I hope you have a good weekend. Karen
Comment Written 16-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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Thank you Karen. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Have a good weekend Karen
Comment from karenina
Hello and welcome to FanStory, Jacob!
You have certainly impressed with a creative and unsettling Halloween story...
I'm here late and see others have addressed a few edits.
I enjoyed the pace of the story and the clever way you present the narrator as a living ex, perhaps seeking revenge.
I did not see the ghost twist coming!
Are you settling in here well? We're a helpful bunch!
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or just want to say hi!
I see you have a book started...
I'll head there next!
Karenina
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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Hello and welcome to FanStory, Jacob!
You have certainly impressed with a creative and unsettling Halloween story...
I'm here late and see others have addressed a few edits.
I enjoyed the pace of the story and the clever way you present the narrator as a living ex, perhaps seeking revenge.
I did not see the ghost twist coming!
Are you settling in here well? We're a helpful bunch!
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or just want to say hi!
I see you have a book started...
I'll head there next!
Karenina
Comment Written 07-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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Thank you, yes, I'm really enjoying being here.
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Great... Unpack and stay!
Comment from Wendyanne
Wow this is a great Halloween story and I found it to have an unpredictable ending. I thought she was going to kill him after going in the house so you surprised me. Well done an good luck
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Wow this is a great Halloween story and I found it to have an unpredictable ending. I thought she was going to kill him after going in the house so you surprised me. Well done an good luck
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from JSD
Excellent bit of spooky fiction. Has us guessing all the way through to the end. Really well written with effective drama, description and dialogue. Well done and good luck in the competition.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Excellent bit of spooky fiction. Has us guessing all the way through to the end. Really well written with effective drama, description and dialogue. Well done and good luck in the competition.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Navada
This is a really creative and well-crafted story. Thanks so much for sharing it! A couple of suggestions for improvement - take a closer look at your punctuation/sentence structure in places (particularly early in the story) and perhaps don't indent at the start of each paragraph, but just separate them by a line break. I really enjoyed your creation of the characters, especially the protagonist, and their sisterly connection in the afterlife. I hope the murderer gets his comeuppance in a sequel! Good luck for the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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This is a really creative and well-crafted story. Thanks so much for sharing it! A couple of suggestions for improvement - take a closer look at your punctuation/sentence structure in places (particularly early in the story) and perhaps don't indent at the start of each paragraph, but just separate them by a line break. I really enjoyed your creation of the characters, especially the protagonist, and their sisterly connection in the afterlife. I hope the murderer gets his comeuppance in a sequel! Good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Just letting you know that this story came to mind when I saw the A Different Sequel contest and I was prompted to write a response to it. It's called Breaking Through. I have acknowledged your story in the author's note. I hope you don't mind!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh, wow!! What a very cool Halloween story. I like it very much. It had such an eerie vibe right from the beginning that remained throughout but also intertwined with a mature resonance of emotions and caring and loss. Very very well done! A couple teeny spags: BOOK fair, rather than "boot" fair. and also I know what you mean with "I will karma to strike," but it took a couple reads before I did. It feels like you intended the future tense but then left off the second half of the verb.
Thanks for a very enjoyable read! xo
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Oh, wow!! What a very cool Halloween story. I like it very much. It had such an eerie vibe right from the beginning that remained throughout but also intertwined with a mature resonance of emotions and caring and loss. Very very well done! A couple teeny spags: BOOK fair, rather than "boot" fair. and also I know what you mean with "I will karma to strike," but it took a couple reads before I did. It feels like you intended the future tense but then left off the second half of the verb.
Thanks for a very enjoyable read! xo
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you, I?m pleased you enjoyed it, a boot fair is actually something popular in the UK where people sell on second hand items.
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Oh, I'm so sorry!!! Thank you for teaching me something fun today!! xo
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Great imagery; something you don't get a lot of in short stories here.
ten p.m. should be either 10:00 p.m. or ten o'clock.
I was sure the protagonist was alive and was going to take the ex-boyfriend out, but I was certainly surprised!
A good write and entry for this contest.
Pam
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Great imagery; something you don't get a lot of in short stories here.
ten p.m. should be either 10:00 p.m. or ten o'clock.
I was sure the protagonist was alive and was going to take the ex-boyfriend out, but I was certainly surprised!
A good write and entry for this contest.
Pam
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you Pam, I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is an excellently told story which I thoroughly enjoyed reading. From the start I knew that the owner of the house was going to be an abuser of some kind but I didn't realise that the narrator was a ghost (although there was a hint about coming from the forest and, of course, it being Halloween). You managed to introduce her ghostly credentials with subtle credibility as we realised that both girls had been killed and were now ghosts. There are two small edits: "there'(re) four other girl(s) there as well. But very well done on this, Jacob, and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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This is an excellently told story which I thoroughly enjoyed reading. From the start I knew that the owner of the house was going to be an abuser of some kind but I didn't realise that the narrator was a ghost (although there was a hint about coming from the forest and, of course, it being Halloween). You managed to introduce her ghostly credentials with subtle credibility as we realised that both girls had been killed and were now ghosts. There are two small edits: "there'(re) four other girl(s) there as well. But very well done on this, Jacob, and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2023
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Thank you Debbie, I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
