Ghost
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Camouflage"Biography/Supernatural
20 total reviews
Comment from Aiona
I sensed this might be autobiographical, and I see from the author's notes that it is. It's an engrossing story, as I sympathize with the protagonist and want to see her situation be resolved in a good way.
I found several typos:
1. "Not liking that young lady..."
I think you need a comma between "that" and "young," since the bus driver is addressing the young lady.
2. "I popped in a dime and dialled their number."
"Dialed" is misspelled; it only has one "L."
3. "I weakened fast I had to sit down."
I think this is two separate sentences. So it will need a period, or perhaps a semicolon between "fast" and "I."
Another alternative is to make it one sentence by putting "so" between "weakened" and "fast."
ex. "I weakened so fast I had to sit down."
4. "...and I dialled the number now soaking wet..."
"Dialed" is misspelled here again. It only contains one "L."
5. "Hello Oma"
Since Oma is being addressed directly, there should be a comma between "Hello" and "Oma."
6. "She asks in her thick Dutch accent."
"What you doing?" She asks."
These two sentences have tense-hopped. In other words, the rest of your story is told in first person past tense. These two sentences however are using present tense.
They should be
"She asked in her thick Dutch accent."
and
"What you doing?" she asked.
Nice work!
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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I sensed this might be autobiographical, and I see from the author's notes that it is. It's an engrossing story, as I sympathize with the protagonist and want to see her situation be resolved in a good way.
I found several typos:
1. "Not liking that young lady..."
I think you need a comma between "that" and "young," since the bus driver is addressing the young lady.
2. "I popped in a dime and dialled their number."
"Dialed" is misspelled; it only has one "L."
3. "I weakened fast I had to sit down."
I think this is two separate sentences. So it will need a period, or perhaps a semicolon between "fast" and "I."
Another alternative is to make it one sentence by putting "so" between "weakened" and "fast."
ex. "I weakened so fast I had to sit down."
4. "...and I dialled the number now soaking wet..."
"Dialed" is misspelled here again. It only contains one "L."
5. "Hello Oma"
Since Oma is being addressed directly, there should be a comma between "Hello" and "Oma."
6. "She asks in her thick Dutch accent."
"What you doing?" She asks."
These two sentences have tense-hopped. In other words, the rest of your story is told in first person past tense. These two sentences however are using present tense.
They should be
"She asked in her thick Dutch accent."
and
"What you doing?" she asked.
Nice work!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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Thank you so much. I'm so glad that you like it and that you have spent the time to review. I see that you've reviewed a few of them. Thank you so very much for that! For your fun review and you're fine rating. I appreciate I hope you have the best Christmas and a wonderful New Year. That your evening is great too!
Comment from Ginda Simpson
I have read Ghost in its entirety. Reading this chapter again filled me with admiration for your ability to write this account with such clarity and resilience. You prove over and over again the power of the written word.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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I have read Ghost in its entirety. Reading this chapter again filled me with admiration for your ability to write this account with such clarity and resilience. You prove over and over again the power of the written word.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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Thank you that was a really fine compliment. I so appreciate that I really appreciate this fine rating too. And your time as well. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and a great new year thank you again!
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I am glad the busdriver was helpful to you back then and not harmful. In the telling of your story you show us how much it affects the Lea of today, and that, I think, is important.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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I am glad the busdriver was helpful to you back then and not harmful. In the telling of your story you show us how much it affects the Lea of today, and that, I think, is important.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 07-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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You're so smart Valda wow such keen insight you have! Today I have a strong sense of injustice. If I see any kind of violence whatsoever affects me very much. People wacking their children that really angers me. Thank you again my friend. I appreciate you very much. Happy to receive your review as always. You are amazingly insightful and a smart lady! thanks again!
Comment from thoughtgame2
Hi again MS lady.im Enjoying the other sides of your greatness while reading this story, one chapter at a time. It's very good and grabbing if you know what I mean. It also prompts me to add some of my own books to this platform...and I can thank you for that push with the reading of yours. Have a blessed and peaceful journey throughout these crazy times Toni. And than for all the encouragement you have given me and others here at fan story.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Hi again MS lady.im Enjoying the other sides of your greatness while reading this story, one chapter at a time. It's very good and grabbing if you know what I mean. It also prompts me to add some of my own books to this platform...and I can thank you for that push with the reading of yours. Have a blessed and peaceful journey throughout these crazy times Toni. And than for all the encouragement you have given me and others here at fan story.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Thank you again, thank you so much for your encouragement and your kind review. I'm happy to help whenever I can thanks again!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I admit I have not read the rest of the chapter, as I am drifting in and out of this site, but your story caught my attention. It is not easy to be on the road at such a young age.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2023
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I admit I have not read the rest of the chapter, as I am drifting in and out of this site, but your story caught my attention. It is not easy to be on the road at such a young age.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2023
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Thank you for reading, thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate it very much.
Sometimes but writing about helps, so thank you again. Have a great day!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Your story is so tragic it brings tears to my eyes. The more I read about the suffering you endured, I wonder how you survived. I will watch for more of your story, and I hope it takes a turn for the better at some point.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2023
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Your story is so tragic it brings tears to my eyes. The more I read about the suffering you endured, I wonder how you survived. I will watch for more of your story, and I hope it takes a turn for the better at some point.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2023
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Hi, thank you so much for reading and offering your thoughts, I appreciate that. Yeah, there's a storm which came round to the end of the month, it's no real one answer fix. Unfortunately, it comes in increments. However, having said that my parents never paid for what they did, but in this writing, it will just sit back and see what happens, and then it will all be behind me. Thank you again I appreciate your kind comments and your empathy have a great day!
Comment from Jacob1395
I could really feel what your character was going through in piece, and especially her anxiety when she got onto the bus. I particularly liked this description, "Warmth...it encompassed me like a long-lost friend." I thought this piece was really well written and engaging. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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I could really feel what your character was going through in piece, and especially her anxiety when she got onto the bus. I particularly liked this description, "Warmth...it encompassed me like a long-lost friend." I thought this piece was really well written and engaging. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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Thank you, Jacob for your kind review. I'm so glad you had time to stop in for a read. I really appreciate your comments as well. Your compassionate remarks I appreciate you reviewing!
There's an auto bio in my portfolio called "Ghost" of which this chapter is a part of if you wish please feel free to have a read. I should say some chapters are hard to read. Contains violence and abuse, reader discretion is advised. Thank you again so much, have a great night!
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Lea,
you were fortunate to have run across a compassionate bus driver. A young lady out on her own could be a recipe for disaster. Again, it looked like the Lord was looking out for you. I think not going home was probably a blessing. I'm not sure I understand your grandmother though- guess I'll find out soon.
Blessings,
Tom
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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Hello Lea,
you were fortunate to have run across a compassionate bus driver. A young lady out on her own could be a recipe for disaster. Again, it looked like the Lord was looking out for you. I think not going home was probably a blessing. I'm not sure I understand your grandmother though- guess I'll find out soon.
Blessings,
Tom
Comment Written 26-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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Yes, my family are master manipulators. Smile in your face pat you on the back, just as you're leaving, they'll stab you right between the shoulder blades. I hate saying that I also equally hate it being a reality too. Kind of like a white sheep in a group of black wolves. Thank you again, Tom, and yes, you will find that very soon. It will all come out know, that the rabbit hole goes deep. My friend very deep indeed. Thank you again, I hope you're feeling okay? Love you gotta find out in the world, have an awesome day!
Comment from LJbutterfly
The bus driver showed kindness to a girl who was at the end of her rope. He could tell you were dangling without supportive ground under your feet. Your step-father may have done you a favor. After all, you were asking to return to the thing you were running away from. What's up with Grandma? She should have taken you in first, before calling Social Services.
Your detailed descriptions, inclusion of your thoughts and feelings, and dialogue, all add to your compelling story.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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The bus driver showed kindness to a girl who was at the end of her rope. He could tell you were dangling without supportive ground under your feet. Your step-father may have done you a favor. After all, you were asking to return to the thing you were running away from. What's up with Grandma? She should have taken you in first, before calling Social Services.
Your detailed descriptions, inclusion of your thoughts and feelings, and dialogue, all add to your compelling story.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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Thank you again, really awesome to see you here. And you always have such great things to say? Unfortunately, I didn't know then. I'd know now is that she was not the rescuer but the reason so I should carry on with that. I'm happy and pleased to see your review again, thank you so much.
Unfortunately, and a rabbit hole is very deep thank you again!
Comment from royowen
It must have been one awful time, if any of my grandchildren called me I would come in an eye blink, that life that it seems you're being excluded I would run from it. A harrowing time, but it is amazing how many kind people are out there. Beautifully written Lea. Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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It must have been one awful time, if any of my grandchildren called me I would come in an eye blink, that life that it seems you're being excluded I would run from it. A harrowing time, but it is amazing how many kind people are out there. Beautifully written Lea. Blessings Roy
Comment Written 25-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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Thank you again I appreciate your comments. I really do, and you speak from a perspective of the grandparent.
I wish I had known people like yourself. Growing up. I wish i'd known that there were Mother's, not like mine and there were stepfathers not like mine. What is given is so often presented as normal actions. That is the camouflage.
Thank you again so much for your kind review. Great rating, you don't offering your compassionate comments. Have a great night.
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No child should be subjected to that treatment, to me it?s the worst evil.
