Me. Her. Him
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Me. Her. Him - Chapter One "A hidden past, a devastating truth.
20 total reviews
Comment from RJ Heritage
Like the imagery you created, made it real and relatable. I look forward to reading the second chapter after resting my eyes for a bit. I found soon easy to fix typos, in the following paragraphs : (My accounting of those paragraphs are just an estimation of where they might be) (6) 'Kristy is scrolling through Hinge, the latest dating up', perhaps, 'dating app'? (9)'...and start the day the again', perhaps no second 'the'. (11) '...and she didn't even both', perhaps, 'bother'. (2nd paragraph from the bottom) '... of morning', perhaps should read, 'on morning'.
RJ
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Like the imagery you created, made it real and relatable. I look forward to reading the second chapter after resting my eyes for a bit. I found soon easy to fix typos, in the following paragraphs : (My accounting of those paragraphs are just an estimation of where they might be) (6) 'Kristy is scrolling through Hinge, the latest dating up', perhaps, 'dating app'? (9)'...and start the day the again', perhaps no second 'the'. (11) '...and she didn't even both', perhaps, 'bother'. (2nd paragraph from the bottom) '... of morning', perhaps should read, 'on morning'.
RJ
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Thank you for spotting those. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
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You?re very welcome.
Comment from Begin Again
It appears to me that the setting leads us to believe there is trouble and intriguing behind every face we see. This should be a very interesting story. Great job! Thank you for sharing.
Smiles. Carol
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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It appears to me that the setting leads us to believe there is trouble and intriguing behind every face we see. This should be a very interesting story. Great job! Thank you for sharing.
Smiles. Carol
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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Thank you Carol, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Maybe you can catch one of my chapters and see what you think. I'd love to get your thoughts. Thank you.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
This is a good start to an interesting story. Good work.
...an old friend from her past, who she hoped never to see again, - You don't need this comma. But your first sentence would read better broken in two.
The only person, who can help Angela, is her once best friend, - neither comma is necessary.
...reopening old wounds, and revisiting a past they'd rather keep buried. - This comma is not needed.
'Sorry it was the traffic - You're going to laugh (I hope), but you could use one of those commas after 'Sorry'.
...but, there's still something - This comma is not needed (I'm beginning to feel like the comma police. I apologize.)
I grab my bag from the passenger seat, sling it over my shoulders - both shoulders? How does that work?
'It was a nightmare, took me forty minutes to get here from Hanningfield. - This comma should be a period or a semicolon.
Your writing improved greatly when you began the actual story. I suspect that you rushed the intro segment.
Best wishes from across the pond.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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This is a good start to an interesting story. Good work.
...an old friend from her past, who she hoped never to see again, - You don't need this comma. But your first sentence would read better broken in two.
The only person, who can help Angela, is her once best friend, - neither comma is necessary.
...reopening old wounds, and revisiting a past they'd rather keep buried. - This comma is not needed.
'Sorry it was the traffic - You're going to laugh (I hope), but you could use one of those commas after 'Sorry'.
...but, there's still something - This comma is not needed (I'm beginning to feel like the comma police. I apologize.)
I grab my bag from the passenger seat, sling it over my shoulders - both shoulders? How does that work?
'It was a nightmare, took me forty minutes to get here from Hanningfield. - This comma should be a period or a semicolon.
Your writing improved greatly when you began the actual story. I suspect that you rushed the intro segment.
Best wishes from across the pond.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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Thank you Wayne, and for all of your comments, I'm pleased that you enjoyed.
Comment from royowen
I like your story, with a great background of past relationships, somehow I think they may be heading on a collision course with the plot, you've got it set up nicely for Middle game, and stretched out accordingly. Welcjme to fanstory. Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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I like your story, with a great background of past relationships, somehow I think they may be heading on a collision course with the plot, you've got it set up nicely for Middle game, and stretched out accordingly. Welcjme to fanstory. Blessings Roy
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Most welcome
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Aha, now I get it why she is so scared... a kid with a guy that has now clue, and it is going to probably be hired and sooner or later will find out the truth.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2024
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Aha, now I get it why she is so scared... a kid with a guy that has now clue, and it is going to probably be hired and sooner or later will find out the truth.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2024
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Thank you Iza, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi Jacob, you've set the stage and setting well. I could see the whole scene from Angela crossing the street in the rain to Angela sitting nervously at her desk.
Of special note:
but I can't shake away the terror, and the thought, that sitting downstairs, only a few feet below me, is my worst nightmare.
(J, sometimes a person just knows. There's no explaining it. They just know.)
Well done. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBloomer
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2024
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Hi Jacob, you've set the stage and setting well. I could see the whole scene from Angela crossing the street in the rain to Angela sitting nervously at her desk.
Of special note:
but I can't shake away the terror, and the thought, that sitting downstairs, only a few feet below me, is my worst nightmare.
(J, sometimes a person just knows. There's no explaining it. They just know.)
Well done. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBloomer
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2024
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Thank you I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm reading this first chapter for the first time, having read much of what follows to date. Am very impressed by how much you set the scene without ever seeming to force any detail upon the reader. The setting of the office is skilfully conveyed as, amid the bustle of working life, we're drawn in to focus on Angela's fear and trepidation of the man who may now be turning out to disrupt her contented family harmony. Thanks for sharing, Jacob. Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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I'm reading this first chapter for the first time, having read much of what follows to date. Am very impressed by how much you set the scene without ever seeming to force any detail upon the reader. The setting of the office is skilfully conveyed as, amid the bustle of working life, we're drawn in to focus on Angela's fear and trepidation of the man who may now be turning out to disrupt her contented family harmony. Thanks for sharing, Jacob. Debbie
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Thank you Debbie. It?s been edited a bit since I first posted it. I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from T.A. Walk
Great job! You captured the anxiety and nervousness of your character well.
Dialog was clean and easy to follow. Everything was great!
No SPAG critique!!
Thank you for sharing your work, keep it up!!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2023
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Great job! You captured the anxiety and nervousness of your character well.
Dialog was clean and easy to follow. Everything was great!
No SPAG critique!!
Thank you for sharing your work, keep it up!!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2023
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Thank you. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Daylily
Just read this First Milestone post and it is very good. The tension and anxiety come through and you leave the reader on edge at the end wondering about what is going to happen when Angela and William come face to face.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Just read this First Milestone post and it is very good. The tension and anxiety come through and you leave the reader on edge at the end wondering about what is going to happen when Angela and William come face to face.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thank you. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very interesting and well written chapter. I wish I had read the ones before this one! I need to go back and check them out. You used great descriptive words. Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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This is a very interesting and well written chapter. I wish I had read the ones before this one! I need to go back and check them out. You used great descriptive words. Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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Thank you Teri. This is the first chapter of my book.
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Thank you for letting me know. I look forward to reading more of it! I hope you have a very happy and Merry Christmas! Teri
